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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Unfair contact?

155 replies

bubblybottom · 14/10/2013 23:19

I am very unhappy with the arrangements for contact with my boys(7&8) with their dad.
He works away from home(London, home is northwest)
He picks them up every Friday night and drops off on Sunday evening.
Why am I unhappy?? Because I hear about all the fantastic things they have done, been on a steam train, buried each other in sand on the beach, camped out in the garden etc etc. I never get to do any of that with them.
I cook, clean, sort out uniform, take to school, do homework, drop off and pick up from rugby, BB and karate and put to bed. And I love doing all that. It's my job.
I don't think its unreasonable tho to ask my ex for every other weekend. Or is it?
The boys I have to say are more than happy with the arrangement, however, it's been all that they have been used to for the last 2 yrs..
It's not my fault he works in london(he manages to get time off to to his house up as and when it suits)
I am nervous to ask him
A. He has the money for solicitors, I don't
B. He has no communication skills with me
What do I do?

OP posts:
Wheatus · 17/10/2013 20:30

Good luck OP.

I can see this going two ways, he meekly accepts it or it's court time.

And as this has been the status quo for two years, you agreed to it, and

'The boys I have to say are more than happy with the arrangement'

'In actual fact, when we first split, it was nice for me and my daughter to have so much quality time together,'

'I found his camera in their rugby kitbag last week and it is all of the boys having fun.'

Could be a long court battle.

Hopefully he'll see reason and share the weekends and have half the holidays.

Good luck.

ScaryFucker · 17/10/2013 20:32

I don't think you have really RTFT have you, wheatus ?

Wheatus · 17/10/2013 20:39

I think I have thanks.

And I've experience of divorce courts, child court cases and status quo.

No point getting unrealistic advice.

Original poster
bubblybottom · 17/10/2013 20:51

Just lost that post!!
No. No news yet.
He will be picking the boys up tomorrow night. Do I mention it if he doesn't? I would imagine he will have been frantically trying to contact his solicitor!Confused
Do I drop anything into conversation with the boys? My kids broke up for half term today. Just had bath time and youngest asked me if they were going to be with me ALL day with me tomorrow. When I told him yes, most of the contents of the bath need up on me lol!!
Incidentally, the last line of my email re money and CSA doesn't rest easy with me.,I DID keep,it in, but feel so shit about it. NOT scared of him or anything, and know the kids are entitled and all that. But not sitting easyBlush
Just wondering why above poster reckons 1 in 3 rather than 2 is fairer?

OP posts:
Original poster
bubblybottom · 17/10/2013 20:52

Ok. So I didn't lose it!!!

OP posts:
Twinklestein · 17/10/2013 21:04

Don't feel shit about the CSA OP, this is not about you it's purely about your boys. Any normal father earning what he does would want to provide generously for their kids.

Original poster
bubblybottom · 17/10/2013 21:06

The boys are happy with it cos it's all that they know. They demonstrate daily how much they want to me with ME too.
The pictures on his camera of them having fun are great. Is it wrong of me to want quality time with my own children Wheatus?
Why would anyone deny me that. They are after all my children too. Why should I have to do all of the shit stuff, school, rugby, BB, karate runs. Homework.washing, cooking, shopping, cleaning, doctors, opticians, dentist and much much more on top, and on top of that, get none of the good stuff. Lazy days, lie ins, bike rides, Sunday lunch with my parents(because of course they suffer too)
I am doing the job of a nanny as someone said up thread. Not fair
As I have said, I don't want more money, I just want my boys for some down time. Can't wait for tomorrow when they get into bed with me in the morning.

OP posts:
Twinklestein · 17/10/2013 21:08

In your situation I wouldn't want to talk to him without legal advice.
You can get a free consultation as others have mentioned.

If he's likely to make a row on the doorstep, then tell him calmly and firmly you're not going to discuss it in front of the boys.

Twinklestein · 17/10/2013 21:14

xpost

As regards Wheatus' post, the terms as OP described them were:

"The children shall live with Mum, and Dad shall have contact each weekend as agreed and share holiday time.”

First of all he doesn't share holiday time; secondly the phrase 'have contact each weekend' is open to interpretation - arguably having the boys for the whole weekend every weekend is more than simply having 'contact'; thirdly dad is not ensuring that the boys do their weekend homework which is fairly fundamental to parental responsibility; fourthly, it is difficult for OP's family to bond effectively if the boys are never there at weekends & they may end up feeling left out; fifthly, pics of kids having fun can be found on most divorced dads' phones...

ScaryFucker · 17/10/2013 21:16

Twink, it's all there on the thread. Wheatus chose not to read it properly.

Wheatus · 17/10/2013 21:17

I agree you should have and deserve weekends with your children.

I suppose I was looking at at as he and the courts could look at it.

Hopefully he'll agree to it without any problems.

Original poster
bubblybottom · 17/10/2013 21:17

Thank you twinkle. It's so easy to feel negative about stuff when 24 hrs earlier you feel buoyed up and positive

OP posts:
ScaryFucker · 17/10/2013 21:19

Yes, Wheatus, you were looking at it from his POV. He's not in charge though, is he ?

FlatCapAndAWhippet · 18/10/2013 05:20

"I'd like to discuss my e mail with you, preferably not in front of the boys. Perhaps we can talk when they come back home on Sunday"

heidiwine · 18/10/2013 07:48

Bubbly - I don't know your situation and can see that you're getting support on here from a couple of posters. In my view, the best thing you can do is seek LEGAL advice. I'm glad the ladies on here are making you feel stronger (you need that) but please don't lose sight of the legalities - if your ex is talking to a solicitor then you should be too - they will be able to tell you what's reasonable in the eyes of the law (not the morals and opinions of others - which IME are frequently 2 different things).

Chubfuddler · 18/10/2013 08:04

And a lawyer will tell her what that consent order means. Which is what has been done on this thread.

There's no point the op paying a lawyer to so whst she may be able to do herself. There's very little hard law about contact, other than cases that hold up the principal over and over again that the child's best interests (taking into account the need for family time with both parents if possible) are paramount.

heidiwine · 18/10/2013 08:14

Exactly - you have a clear view on what's best for the children in this situation (I'm sure the OP's ex does too). What it may come down to in the end might not be what you think is best but what the OP's ex does (or something in between both of these).

Lweji · 18/10/2013 08:24

Personally I wouldn't discuss these matters verbally.
I think you need a paper trail and he's less likely to be able to bully you. You'll have time to think and post here.

And don't push for an answer. It gives him power. In a week or so, tell him he has a week to reply or you'll go to CSA and start the every other weekend system.

That was a good point about the wording. How was it exactly? Because contact could simply be a phone call.

Jux · 18/10/2013 08:31

Skype often seems to count as contact.

Original poster
bubblybottom · 18/10/2013 09:29

Thanks ladies
Will wait to see what he comes back with.
Rest assured, if it was in my boys best interests to spend NO time with me and dd at the weekend I wouldn't even think about disrupting things.
If I hadn't mentioned the money side of things, I think he would have been ok Sad

OP posts:
heidiwine · 18/10/2013 10:44

I have no doubt you think that's best for your boys (and FWIW I agree). However you do have all the holiday time (and therefore quality time when you're not woking)... Your ex could use this to his advantage - even though he's not taking any holiday time it's not inconceivable that he could say that he doesn't have the boys as much as agreed. I'm playing devils advocate not to be deliberately difficult but because I have a lot of personal experience in dealing with two people who always believe they're acting in the best interests of their children - it's never as clear cut as she's right and he's wrong. I really think that paying for mediation could be useful and I think that the first thing you'd discuss is who pays the bill so you might not even be out of pocket.

Original poster
bubblybottom · 18/10/2013 10:51

Heidi. I don't have all the holidays as such. He takes them for a few days of maybe 3-4 of the 12 weeks. I cover the rest. Is till have to work so I pay for football club or my mum steps in or I do a shorter day.
I don't think I am right and he is wrong, but I do believe that we need time together. We are snuggled up on the couch now. The last time we did this was the last day of the summer holidays!!!

OP posts:
YoureBeingADick · 18/10/2013 12:06

op I wouldn't mention it when he drops the boys off/collects them. I agree that you need a paper trail and if he is likely to argue infornt of the dcs then that's a defibnite no. keep it to emails from now on.

his lack of response tells me he is waiting to see his solicitor or has already seen them and been instructed not to contact you as they will on his behalf.

mumsforjustice · 18/10/2013 12:19

Take legal advise on anything more in writing. As some other ops note you need to be realistic about the view the court will take. Tbh if I was his solicitor that email is a gift to portray you as the one in the wrong.

Lweji · 18/10/2013 12:37

I agree that you should take legal advice regardless, although agreements are just that. Agreements about children can change (my solicitor) and it is right that it is so, because circumstances change.