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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Unfair contact?

155 replies

bubblybottom · 14/10/2013 23:19

I am very unhappy with the arrangements for contact with my boys(7&8) with their dad.
He works away from home(London, home is northwest)
He picks them up every Friday night and drops off on Sunday evening.
Why am I unhappy?? Because I hear about all the fantastic things they have done, been on a steam train, buried each other in sand on the beach, camped out in the garden etc etc. I never get to do any of that with them.
I cook, clean, sort out uniform, take to school, do homework, drop off and pick up from rugby, BB and karate and put to bed. And I love doing all that. It's my job.
I don't think its unreasonable tho to ask my ex for every other weekend. Or is it?
The boys I have to say are more than happy with the arrangement, however, it's been all that they have been used to for the last 2 yrs..
It's not my fault he works in london(he manages to get time off to to his house up as and when it suits)
I am nervous to ask him
A. He has the money for solicitors, I don't
B. He has no communication skills with me
What do I do?

OP posts:
BlackDaisies · 17/10/2013 00:19

cross post! Very assertive reply. Well done :-)

Original poster
bubblybottom · 17/10/2013 00:22

He isn't paying school fees at all!!!
Neither of us is!
I have access to his emails as I said. He has a very astute accountant who is his solicitors best mate. They all play golf together etc.
He is always after ways to hide his income. Through pension overpayments etc. he claims for everything he can. Petrol, office, accom. Mobile. Meals. You name it
He spends all week in a bloody youth hostel FFS!

OP posts:
Original poster
bubblybottom · 17/10/2013 00:24

I can't, unfortunately take the credit for my reply-thanks Lweji!

OP posts:
ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee · 17/10/2013 00:26

MUCH better email I'm glad that was the one you sent!!

ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee · 17/10/2013 00:27

Well done Lwejii Flowers

Lweji · 17/10/2013 00:34

I hope it works out. :)

Original poster
bubblybottom · 17/10/2013 00:35

I just know that I will get a barrage of abuse nowConfused
Incidentally my lovely partner is very supportive of me. His ex is an alcoholic and he has full custody of his boys. He gets no maintenance but is a good earner as a plumbing and heating engineer. We are financially comfortable and very happy. Home is now a pleasure to go back to at the end of every day
Part of the many reasons I left my ex was that I didn't want my boys to think that what they were witnessing at home was how they should treat future partners.
I got 140k out of our joint house. I bought a house outright which have since sold to buy the house we now all(7 of us) live in x

OP posts:
perfectstorm · 17/10/2013 00:50

That email is much, much better, I'm cheering you here. And I do understand why you settled for so little for yourself - sometimes money is not worth the aggro, is it. But time with your kids, and the (capped, so actually minimal) CSA money they are entitled to for their childhood - that is.

If you get abuse, then just remember how bad that will make him look if he does try to use legal threats. Honestly, I think you might want to call Women's Aid, because he was abusive in the marriage and if he starts it again over money/contact then that's what they are there for.

Again, I think that email is great. Good for you.

perfectstorm · 17/10/2013 00:51

Also so happy to know you have such happy home circumstances now. Honestly it's not fair on your sons to miss out on that, either. They need both parents.

Lweji · 17/10/2013 00:54

Don't read it straight away. Only when you are feeling ready.

And don't back down.
If anything, eventually say "the best I can do is..."

At worst go through CSA for the payment and don't be afraid of potentially going through the court.

My experience was that the more accommodating, the more he takes advantage.

YoureBeingADick · 17/10/2013 00:55

just catching up wiyh this. well done OP!( and those who helped) but especially OP for being so assertive and sending that email. don't worry about him kicking off- he's a toddler throwing the toys out of the pram and the fact that you know to expect it puts you in a better position to deal with it. react calmly. sleep on any response he sends before replying- don't reply with a knee jerk response because he knows how to trigger certain behaviours/reactions from you and will be relying on you caving to his temper tantrum so really think through any replies you send and do come back if you need any more advice here.

good luck. I hope this is the start of him taking you seriously. and you taking yourself seriously. hold on to that assertiveness- you will need it.

((hugs)) Grin

Original poster
bubblybottom · 17/10/2013 00:59

I have just always thought that I had/have everything I need for the kids so anything in excess is just greed. It's easy when with a rich man to just think pound signs. The boys have a fab life with us. Whereas their dad has more money, it's all locked away and forbidden to be spent. With us, we go out for days,bout for tea etc
He MADE me think like a miser, and that everyone was out to snare him and his dosh.

OP posts:
Original poster
bubblybottom · 17/10/2013 01:01

Lovely lovely people on here! Thank you so much xxxx

OP posts:
haverer · 17/10/2013 01:13

I LOVE that you sent that email. You sound like you have a lovely time with your boys. The best you can do for them is let them have a chance to experience that lovely family time some weekends each month.

Original poster
bubblybottom · 17/10/2013 01:16

Am really big into family time/memory making. Feel loads stronger since posting on here.

OP posts:
ScaryFucker · 17/10/2013 06:31
Smile
FlatCapAndAWhippet · 17/10/2013 06:54

I was really willing you to be strong in your e mail, your first attempts were so wobbly and invited the answer "no".

Good on you, you came up trumps. Be prepared to battle it out though, he sounds used to getting his own way. And FWIW, the current set up is not right for you or your boys. :)

dozily · 17/10/2013 09:33

Well done on that very calm, assertive amd reasonable email. If he does email back loads of abuse in return, just think of it as "evidence thtml can be uses to support your case in future. In the same way, try to view your own ails as public documents too - you want to demonstrate how firm and reasonable you are being, so don't stoop to his level.

I think every other weekend plus half of school holidays sounds completely fair. Andmake sure your boys are getting the money they're entitled to as well. Good luck!

dozily · 17/10/2013 09:34

Argh... "evidence that can be used" and "your own emails"

Lweji · 17/10/2013 09:47

You can always put any left over money on saving accounts for the boys, for them to actually use as they please when they are older.
Or as an emergency fund for them.

Wanting money for your children is not being greedy.

Not contributing what is fair to your children is abusive, on the other hand.

Twinklestein · 17/10/2013 12:27

I agree with Lewji, any extra money from him can be put away for the boys' university fees or towards their first property.

You're not asking for it for yourself. He chose to be their father & he should contribute according to the nationally agreed scale.

There is no guarantee whatsoever that your sons will ever inherit a bean. If he goes on to have another family he could leave it all to them.

Jux · 17/10/2013 12:31

Well done you! That email is good, no-nonsense, unapologetic and factual.

ScaryFucker · 17/10/2013 19:35

Any news, OP ?

Retroformica · 17/10/2013 19:43

I think you should have one in every three weekends.

Original poster
bubblybottom · 17/10/2013 20:28

Why one in three, not two?
Incidentally, the comment at the end of my email about CSA and money didn't rest easily with me. DID send it, but feel incredibly uncomfortable with it. He hasn't replied yet. He will be picking the boys up as usual tomorrow night.
Do I mention it or not?
If I do, he will argue in front of the kids which I absolutely won't do.
Do I drop it into conversation with the boys? Just done bath time. Kids have broken up today and youngest was asking me if they are with me tomorrow ALL day. I told him yes and he was that pleased that most of the contents of the bath ended up on me!!!! Lol

OP posts: