How do you keep your relationships in good nick?

[LightningMcGreen]

Hi Mumsnetters. I am very new here and spent time over the weekend reading some of the threads on here. Me and my OH (other half, right?) are expecting our first baby in March next year. We're not married and have been together for 3 years now.

Many of the stories I read on the relationships forum over the weekend I found incredibly sad...some made me weep. So many stories of affairs and abandonment and separation of families.

I have moments of feeling insecure in my relationship. The choice not to marry has been led by OH. He's done it a few times before and it has not worked so he is reluctant to do so again. I can understand this and some days I feel like "well, a ring on a finger doesn't make two people any more loving of one another" and then other days I feel sad that I will never have that moment when a man says "I love you so much, I want you to be my wife." Yes, I am a bit of a romantic! I'm also sad that my child will not have the same name as me.

OH and I have a very good relationship. We have had our bumps but always been good at honest communication...even when its been the hardest thing to do.

I know having a child will change our lives forever but I cannot see HOW this change will look until we are there. We are both genuinely excited/scared/joyous about our new arrival. What I am keen to hear about, Mumsnetters, is from those of you who are in a 'good' relationship with your husband/wife/partner and specifically what you have done in the past to maintain your marriage in the face of challenges such as finances, kids, work, outside temptations etc. How did you adjust to being a mother/father AND a spouse? how did you keep your relationship alive, happy and healthy?

Thank you x

Give the baby your name.

The last thing my DH and I expected when our DD was born was the enormous impact it would have on our relationship. My DH did feel pushed out and as though he wasn't as important to me anymore - because he wasn't. My DD became the centre of my world and it took some adjusting to - for both of us- but 2yrs on (and with another baby on the way) we are genuinely happier and more in love than ever, just in a totally different way.

Personally, I think for your partner to recognise and express his fears about no longer being the centre of attention could - depending on your relationship - be a good sign, to me it could show emotional maturity, self awareness and honesty to admit to that (potentially shameful) fear.

For us what worked was:

Talking. Lots. Being honest about how our feelings for each other had changed- even though this was often hard to hear and say.

Accepting things wouldn't get better over night but knowing we were in it for the long haul.

Remembering to do the little things that matter - like saying please and thankful to each other and being grateful to the other person if they'd done the washing up.

Buying little presents if you happened to see something the other person liked.

Texting like teenagers with tot bits that came into our heads while going about our days.

Dividing jobs fairly and discussing who is responsible for what. We also got a cleaner when things were particularly tiring/ difficulty which stopped us arguing about mess.

Making sure we both had things and friends of our own and time off to ourselves.

Reading the news and talking about it - keeping interests beyond our own little domestic world.

Laughing. Not taking ourselves to seriously. Being able to take the piss out of ourselves and each other.

Good luck! Having a family together is wonderful and I hope it all goes well for you.

OP I can see why people think that your DP is potentially risky, because of the way you describe him in your second post. He sounds less of a family man and more of a 'good time' guy who may not be happy spending nights in deciding who is doing the 10am til 3am shift and who is doing 3am til 6 7am (as it was for us in the first few weeks/months) and your biggest social event being a trip to the co-op to get nappies!

It really does shift things to have a child, especially when you are at home and they work. If you are naturally more introverted you may find that you feel even more different to him once you are in these new roles (even if temporarily). The fact he works away will make it harder too.

You also do not have the energy to give each other all your attention and it can become a case of 'barking orders' at one another sometimes, over a screaming baby!

However it can ultimately strengthen things as you come out of all of that together but it is a testing time.

Don't be offended by people expressing doubt about your relationship on here, they don't know you or your DP so you should go with your instincts.

On the name issue I don't agree with FolkGirl because I have seen more men than you may think who are left with care of children when mother's leave (and I am a family lawyer). Children are a shared responsibility, they don't 'belong' to their mothers any more than they 'belong' to their fathers. I went with DP's surname personally because mine is a pain, being very difficult to spell, and I didn't want to lumber DD with it!

What keeps our relationship good, IMO, after 3 children, is that DP does half the childcare and housework. There's no way I'm going to walk out on that. Whatever his other little foibles.

I'm not a big fan of marriage, but I agree with the other posters about covering your back, inside or outside marriage, for if things go wrong. Because they do for 50% of couples. For us being realistic/cynical from the start hasn't hurt us, we are still together after nearly 2 decades, rather to our surprise. We made a cohabitation contract. It caused bitter rows about potential custody arrangements after hypothetical split. So I don't personally recommend that as a happy move.

My DP does most mornings with DD as I am rubbish in the mornings and more of the cooking but I do more of other things (can't think what right now). Play to your strengths!

Just read this and thought of you OP http://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2013/oct/15/should-my-children-surname-husband-feminist

I will be completely honest here. Be prepared for your relationship to go tits up, would be my best advice to you. Your partner is a twit. He will fuck off when it all gets too hard because that is what he has always done. And by the time he does, you will be an empty shell because you will have turned yourself inside out trying to keep him happy.

Have you thought about double-barrelling your names? I work with kids and this is common for un married parents, for the following reasons:

If you have Baby McGreen-Father you can drop the 'Father' from every day usage if you split. If you marry, you can commit 'McGreen' to a middle name for day to day use.
If you carry on as you are, happily ever after, Baby has both names.

Congrats on your pregnancy, by the way!