How do you keep your relationships in good nick?

[LightningMcGreen]

Hi Mumsnetters. I am very new here and spent time over the weekend reading some of the threads on here. Me and my OH (other half, right?) are expecting our first baby in March next year. We're not married and have been together for 3 years now.

Many of the stories I read on the relationships forum over the weekend I found incredibly sad...some made me weep. So many stories of affairs and abandonment and separation of families.

I have moments of feeling insecure in my relationship. The choice not to marry has been led by OH. He's done it a few times before and it has not worked so he is reluctant to do so again. I can understand this and some days I feel like "well, a ring on a finger doesn't make two people any more loving of one another" and then other days I feel sad that I will never have that moment when a man says "I love you so much, I want you to be my wife." Yes, I am a bit of a romantic! I'm also sad that my child will not have the same name as me.

OH and I have a very good relationship. We have had our bumps but always been good at honest communication...even when its been the hardest thing to do.

I know having a child will change our lives forever but I cannot see HOW this change will look until we are there. We are both genuinely excited/scared/joyous about our new arrival. What I am keen to hear about, Mumsnetters, is from those of you who are in a 'good' relationship with your husband/wife/partner and specifically what you have done in the past to maintain your marriage in the face of challenges such as finances, kids, work, outside temptations etc. How did you adjust to being a mother/father AND a spouse? how did you keep your relationship alive, happy and healthy?

Thank you x

Just carry on being yourselves. Nothing more unattractive than becoming 'mum and dad'.

bf so typing one handed so apols for brevity

• together 6 years married 3 and 2 dcs since.
• agree with plant re sex when I'm narky with him I know its time to so it.
• agree talk respectfully and kindly
• compromise - if it doesn't really matter how washing up is stacked then leave it and be greatful he washed up etc.
• remember your way is not always best esp re childcare. let him get on with it and discuss approaches rather than instruct.
• be kind if one of you is tired etc. it is not compulsory to rise every time some is short / rude etc
• do nice things or celebrate in small ways. ie enjoy a glass of wine with your defrosted cobbled together meal in the way you previously might have enjoyed meals out etc. just enjoy time together. we don't go out much by ourselves by choice - we have babysitter options but don't much want to. we just enjoy evenings and weekends together.
• have a laugh - we are enjoying doing up the house - hiding from each other/ being a bit silly with decorating ideas etc.
• not for everyone but our faith helps keep us together.

some of it seems minor but we are very happy.

also helps that we are on the same page re finances and things like that.

oh and keep working at it!

also when dd1 was born I was consumes by being a mother for the first few months. I remembered him after that and it hasn't happened with dd2 7weeks.

its good to remember dh should be there once DDS are grown up.

We are not married; his choice if I'm honest, though I'm really not bothered these days. We've been together 22 years, our four children have both our surnames, fortunately they sound quite good together. All our property, investments, business etc are jointly owned, bank accounts are joint. To be honest we are probably more of a partnership that most married people I know.
We have both been in serious co habiting relationships before, of four or five years and walked away because it wasn't right. I think there is a big difference when you have children; you really have to commit to making it work. And DH was frankly pretty rubbish when we had our first DC, but he has grown up and is a brilliant Dad and partner now.

"when you are co-habiting, you choose to stay together; when you are married you choose not to go"

Profound - but legally a sad reality.

yes to terrortree

Well love, I've been married for decades and opened this thread thinking I was going to write some tips that have worked for us and kept our marriage happy, but as is often the way with threads, once I started reading I realised I needed to write something very different.

There are some things you write that are red-flag central.

You appear to be in awe of this bloke and almost as though you can't believe your luck, which is probably why he's got so much power in the relationship to the extent that you've capitulated completely on two things that were important to you. And although this might seem like a minor point, don't start calling him your 'other half' because he isn't. You are an individual, as is he.

One who has form for bolting when life gets a bit tough by the sounds of things and who's already projecting that he's worried he won't be the centre of attention when the baby comes along. You seem to think it's a good thing he can say that and it is I suppose, but only if you follow the wonderful maxim of 'when a person tells you what he is, listen'. I'm not sure you are listening.

So here you are, worrying about it and asking people for tips on how you can keep a relationship alive and interesting enough to maintain his attention. I'd guess this has spooked you and you're understandably concerned that if you put your baby's needs first, this bloke who insists on the patriarchal hangover of a child bearing his name but who won't marry you and provide you with legal protection, is going to do another moonlight flit if you don't fawn over him when he enters the room.

So sorry love, I think you're going to have your work cut out with this one unless you dramatically redress the power imbalance, start asserting yourself and stop hero worshipping him. Even then he's going to have to get real about his need for attention and start growing up if he's going to be a father committed to staying the course.

If you are having a baby with a man who has been married 'a few times' before and refuses to marry you then for the love of all that is good and holy see a lawyer. You NEED to protect yourself financially or you will be left in the shit, my dear.

Give your child YOUR name! I did. You can easily change it again later if you marry. I did that too!

I think your biggest hurdle is that you want to be married and he doesn't see it as necessary. I actually think this is going to be a HUGE hurdle for you to overcome. I personally don't think it is a big deal at all, and nor does your OH by the sounds of it. But you clearly do, I think this could become an even bigger issue if you let it.

Oops, I didn't read the whole thread. Being unmarried is the LEAST of your problems. Are you not concerned that he could not sustain a marriage for longer than a few months? Well, clearly you are otherwise you wouldn't have posted. I think you are going to have to remain very strong if you have children with this man, it does sound like when the going gets tough, he will fuck the fuck off.

Oh dear. Sorry to monopolise this thread. But he is worried about not getting enough attention after the baby is born? RUN. Run fast and don't look back, he is a twat. A big big immature twat.

Quite simply - talking to each other.
For us, that is the absolute essential element to our relationship.

You've said the lack of attention might be an issue for your OH. It doesn't matter whether that's right or wrong, the only thing that matters is that he tells you how he's feeling and allows you to tell him how you feel about it. As soon as resentments start to build up things can get hard.

It's hard to make time for each other when you have a baby. Make sure you have couple time- a night off with a family member looking after the baby, a meal together. Don't just talk about baby related things.
Sex life all goes a bit strange after having a baby. Your body feels like it belongs to a stranger and you'll have to get used to that. Be honest about how you feel about that but don't hide away.
Try and catch up on sleep when you can.
Split the parenting workload as equally as possible. Just because he goes out to work doesn't mean he does more work than you and so needs more lie ins. The opposite is probably true. That way lies resentment. Resentment is inevitable (the amount of times I said to my partner "But you spend 15 minutes doing a relaxing poo every morning whereas I have to do a 5 second poo while holding a baby, it's NOT FAIR!"). Be honest and don't let the resentment build.
Don't let money become an issue. You are a partnership and therefore equal in every way.
Remember what made you laugh together before you had a baby.

Agree with the others on the surname thing- your baby should have your surname. Not keen on anyone enforcing a ridiculous tradition like having the father's name.

You will change after the baby, with less interest in yourppartner and an overwhelming sense of focus on your baby. Chances are your partner will not like this. However, the best piece of advice I have is for you to realise and to explain to your partner that this is not forever. It is a phase. I was in 'baby fog' due to hormones, exhaustion, etc for the first year. It's no coincidence that this lifted significantly after one year when I went back to work part time. I got part of myself back and as a result could reengage with dh. At 18 months I felt even more human when ds started to sleep much better. In the first year things like sex, chat, laughs, were just not something I could often offer. But it does come back.he'll need to be patient and understanding. Ensure he spends as much time as possible looking after the baby on his own, it's the only way he will truly get a sense if what you are experiencing and it will be a gift both to your relationship and his relationship with your baby. Do a parenting course together so that you understand the realities of baby care.

Just read this - there are a few red flags. He sounds like someone who might be selfish, immature, entitled and manipulative - I really hope not for your sake.

Make sure the relationship is an equal one - your needs are just as important as his needs. Do not be his substitute mother.

Finances, chores and child free leisure time should be divided 50:50 - caring for a baby is hard work and he needs to do his fair share of the shit work when not at work.

Baby will take up the bulk of your attention and if he is a good dad, his attention, time and energy will also be taken up by the baby. You both are EQUALLY responsible for investing time and energy into the relationship.

thanks everyone for your thoughts and opinion. wow - I heard you could be a tough bunch. i like the idea of a parenting course very much. he's booked all of the antenatal classes for us to go on together (apart from the breast feeding one?!) and i have booked up my post-natal classes for myself and baby. it's been really interesting to read about your experiences. Consistent communication seems a common theme and keeping the physical side of things going too. i think it's also important for us both to remind each other that it wont be like the first year/18 months forever.

i don't hero-worship him. I'm just in love and very happy with the person I am with and enjoying these moments of pregnancy when we are so happy and excited. however, i do want to try to be as prepared as possible for the almighty change that will be coming....both the great and the incredibly tough. some of the comments on here could have sent me running for the hills!! he is far from selfish, immature, entitled and manipulative. i understand how some could reach this conclusion based on what I have said and not knowing him. I choose to believe it's a brave man that can say "I'm scared I wont get as much attention and how I will feel about that" rather than berate him for being weak. that's just a difference of opinion garnished from a wide variety of the experiences people here have had.

I have listened to advice about finances and legals and spoke to OH last night about a co-habitation agreement which is happy for me to draw up so I am going with my dad next week to meet his family lawyer and get the ball rolling. :)

Happily married 22 years, though thick and thin (eldest ds born with severe brain injury, died aged 7, second ds major problems but now OK, I had cancer, he has a very high flying job involving him being abroad a lot etc etc).

The things I think we've done which have kept us going through the times when we wanted to walk away/kill each other have been:

1. Knowing when not to make a big deal about something. Not to say you smile prettily and seethe, but wait until the immediate problem is handleable, then say what you need to say. Don't add drama to a crisis.

1. Spend as much time as you possibly can as a couple away from the kids. When ours were tiny we'd go on holiday for a week alone to recharge batteries (especially important as DS1 never slept through the night and I held down a job as a lawyer and DH worked away all week)

We also used to have one Wednesday a month as a day when we'd take the day off and go for lunch/a picnic/the cinema.

3.If you start arguing about mundane crap like housework, pay someone else to do it. It's just not worth getting wound up about. I know a lot of people on MN expect the dh to come home from a long day at work and start hovering but I never did. The little bit of time we had together was too precious to waste on cleaning bathrooms.

1. Have a laugh together. Sometimes when things have been really really shit we've made our best jokes. We both have a dark sense of humour and it releases tension to make a joke.

Oh, and make a will. But then I would say that, I'm a will writer

I hope I am wrong. What I wrote was based his history of failed marriages, his need for attention, his lifestyle, the surname thing etc and I am concerned that you seem to think its your job to keep him happy.

I am pleased you are taking advice re finances and legal stuff seriously.

Good luck.

So you're knocked up by a bolter, concerned that he may be upstaged by the baby, who won't even marry you, and you call him 'brave'...?

Your child's surname is the least of your problems, if he bolts post birth you have no legal & financial protection.

Does your partner know that if he does not jointly sign the birth register then he does not have automatic parental rights?

I am honestly perplexed as to why you thought it was a good idea to became a parent together with a man who has left behind a good few marriages and now dont want to marry you. I take it the baby was not planned?

Poor you. Can you not do better than this 12 year older man-child who is so self centered that he worries he wont get attention when the baby arrives?

Jayzus, this man is telling you why he wont stick around. I dont blame you for being insecure. Either that or he is laying down the law putting pressure on you to ensure he will stay by working your socks off to ensure you put him first....

Stand by your decision to let the baby have your surname.

Sex, communication and being really kind to each other the first year or so after a baby.