How do you keep your relationships in good nick?

[LightningMcGreen]

Hi Mumsnetters. I am very new here and spent time over the weekend reading some of the threads on here. Me and my OH (other half, right?) are expecting our first baby in March next year. We're not married and have been together for 3 years now.

Many of the stories I read on the relationships forum over the weekend I found incredibly sad...some made me weep. So many stories of affairs and abandonment and separation of families.

I have moments of feeling insecure in my relationship. The choice not to marry has been led by OH. He's done it a few times before and it has not worked so he is reluctant to do so again. I can understand this and some days I feel like "well, a ring on a finger doesn't make two people any more loving of one another" and then other days I feel sad that I will never have that moment when a man says "I love you so much, I want you to be my wife." Yes, I am a bit of a romantic! I'm also sad that my child will not have the same name as me.

OH and I have a very good relationship. We have had our bumps but always been good at honest communication...even when its been the hardest thing to do.

I know having a child will change our lives forever but I cannot see HOW this change will look until we are there. We are both genuinely excited/scared/joyous about our new arrival. What I am keen to hear about, Mumsnetters, is from those of you who are in a 'good' relationship with your husband/wife/partner and specifically what you have done in the past to maintain your marriage in the face of challenges such as finances, kids, work, outside temptations etc. How did you adjust to being a mother/father AND a spouse? how did you keep your relationship alive, happy and healthy?

Thank you x

Thanks mumblechum1 and MissScatterbrain. TheAwfulDaughter, I AM THE ONE drawing up the co hab agreement after reading about them based on listening some folks here yesterday,

Twinklestein, yes I do call him brave but I understand why you think the worse as I only gave a snippet of a long and detailed conversation between us.

I honestly just came here to hear about how others have coped in their relationships when children have arrived. I did not expect people to start try and scaremonger. It's my first visit to mumsnet as I have read about it in the press and it is not really what I have expected! Lesson learnt :)

Another one who thinks the child should absolutely have your surname. This would be non-negotiable for me. If you get married at some point further down the line, you can change it. But particularly as your OH is a bolter, I would ensure that the child has the same name as the main caregiver. I'm not sure it's that 'brave' though to admit he's worried he won't be the centre of attention. More a case of 'If a man tells you what he's like, listen to him!' It sounds almost like a warning so that you won't be surprised if he does flounce off because he isn't the centre of your world.

Ultimately, you both have to be mature and want to make your relationship as a couple work. No amount of hard slog by you will babyproof your relationship if you are with a man-child who doesn't pull his weight and acts like a jealous sibling when you have a new arrival to take care of. I'm afraid it does sound like you have the rose-tinted glasses on - picking and choosing what you're going to believe about him, whilst ignoring the other warning-flags.

It is not scaremongering. Just real life. If people had posted and taken advice before finding themselves in certain situations, I think there would have been a lot less abandoned women with children and heartache.

A couple of questions:

Do you work?
Do you live in HIS home? Or are you renting together?

how is he going to keep the relationship going after you have had the baby?

In a relationship there are two of you, it's not just up to you to keep things going.

I agree with others re the name, would not double barrel, loads of people do now anyway. It's really old fashioned to just give it the dad's name

OP - I know some of the replies sound harsh, but I really think you should consider the issues raised.

For me & DH, it's regular evenings on the sofa with a glass of wine and the Great British Bake-off

My DP and I have been together for 22 years. I also had a couple of much shorter relationships before this.

1. Everyone talks about working at a relationship. Yes that is needed. But if you have to work too hard, there is something really wrong there. You should enjoy being with each other.

1. It takes two to make a relationship work.

1. Power imbalances make it much harder for a relationship to work long term, unless one partner puts up with being a doormat. It sounds like you have much less power than him in this relationship, you need to look at how you can address this.

1. Choose the right person. If someone really is a dickhead, selfish, aggressive, etc, no amount of work is going to change that.

1. Your needs matter just as much as his. So what is he going to do to make you feel loved and cherished after the baby is born?

OP you posted about keeping relationships alive - but the facts of your situation are of far more concern, as is your apparent naivety.

I'm not basing my views on 'a snippet' of your conversation, but on all the facts as you have presented them. The fact that your dad is 'massively concerned' too implies that people here have not misread your situation.

Many abandoned women post here, dumped ante or post natal who then discover that because they were not married, they have no legal & financial protection. They loved & trusted their partner, thought he was their 'best friend, just as you do and ended up with diddly squat...

You've asked how to keep a good relationship alive and you got a reality check on top of that.

That's an added bonus I'd say, so just take a few precautions. Which you are doing, so in the end you are in a stronger position than you are now.

And another strong contender of giving the baby YOUR surname. It is almost the only leverage you have, don't fritter it away!

I would also like to add that it might be time in your life not to always understand every perspective (I do too!) but to put some healthy boundaries in place. You almost have to do this now you're going to have a baby to look out for.

DH and I have been together for 4 years, 1 month, 22 days. We have been married for 3 years, 3 months, 21 days. We have 2DC, one 31mo and 12mo. I am a SAHM.

I think a healthy relationship is a happy relationship. When DH comes home from work I make sure there is a hot meal waiting for him. Once the children have gone to bed I give him lots of attention- I listen to how his day was, decide together what we want to watch on TV.

I think it helps that DH is honest with me (I hope anyway), such as 8 months after DC2 was born he said he was disappointed I hadn't lost much weight and he'd want me to make more of an effort- which I did and he now says he finds me sexually attractive again.

milk - What does DH do for you?

I feel some of these replies may be rather harsh too! It all depends what was said and how. If indeed he did wail about not getting enough attention after the baby is born, fine the OP should be very worried. If he simply expressed the concern that OP and partner might find themselves without much time left over to see to each others' emotional needs with a newborn then surely this is a perfectly relevant and sensible concern? Having a baby isn't something which will bring you closer together but is actually a really hard and life changing event which a relationship must be strong enough to survive. This is something a couple should acknowledge and accept before thinking about doing it. Perhaps OP's partner was trying to do this and she simply explained it badly?
And actually I can understand not wanting to be married after several failed marriages. Perhaps he made some bad decisions in the past and for him marriage doesn't have much meaning anymore?
Haven't we all got a few failed relationships behind us?
However that may all be bollocks and actually he is just unable to commit long term and is only concerned about himself and his own needs. Perhaps he will just leave at the first sign of difficulty.I guess only the OP can judge.

What does your DH do for you, milk?

He provides the money, you provide the labour. Equal split, all good.

You listen and give him lots of attention and he tells you to lose weight is 'honest' with you. I'll be honest, that seems rather less well balanced to me, but presumably you get payoffs in other ways?

I'm being genuine BTW, not passive aggressive.

However advice that you should protect yourself legally and financially in case the relationship ends is definitely very sensible. Do it, regardless of how confident you are in the strength of your relationship.

No, she gives him lots of attention in the evening? Does he return the favour? Is he equally interested in her day, her feelings and opinions? Would he lose weight if she said she was no longer sexually attracted to him?

I don't think I would be sexually attracted to someone who said he was disappointed in me because I hadn't lost much weight

Why do some people put up with their partners being like that with them? (male or female)

I have been with my OH for 18 yrs and it is quite simple, you treat each other as equal partners and with respect and you treat them how you would like to be treated, you listen to them and they listen to you. You both love the children. I am not sure i would like to be in any relationship whereby I was judged for my appearance or by what someone else expected of me all the time, that's not love, that's something else - something i don;t want. But i suppose we are all different

milk your dh sounds like a bit of a prick if I'm honest

I am feeling rather gloomy at the prospect of all this conversation and attention-showering. Can't we just continue to grunt vaguely at each other? Life's too short to spend having conversations with your partner all the damn time.

at MotherInferior

Must admit, can't actually remember the last time DH and I had more than 10 minutes together without at least one of us being asleep on the sofa

Agree with mother inferior!

I dunno what to add really, I don't like a man who would be worried about lack of attention when the baby comes, nor do I like 'man- child' types. The best thing for your relationship would be for him to grow up.

I have to say the last thing on my mind when my baby was small was "am I paying enough attention to her father". I rather wanted looking after myself, what with having a tiny baby and having recently given birth and all. Fortunately, having (for once) taken up with someone who does not pride himself on never having quite grown up, he did look after me.

And eight months after said baby I still looked like a deflating space hopper and I am bloody thankful that he was not 'honest' enough to tell me if it was putting him off or not.

:o Mi

Please someone tell me Milk is taking the piss. A comment about your weight at 8 months? Fuck off.

Give the baby your name.

I don't get why any woman would give her baby someone else's name. The bottom line is that when relationships breakdown, the mother is the one left looking after the baby. And in some cases, the men are never seen or heard from again.

You could end up a single parent (from what you've said, it sounds fairly likely - he's worried about not being the centre of attention and already has several failed marriages behind him).

Give the baby your name.

Give the baby your name.