How do you keep your relationships in good nick?

[LightningMcGreen]

Hi Mumsnetters. I am very new here and spent time over the weekend reading some of the threads on here. Me and my OH (other half, right?) are expecting our first baby in March next year. We're not married and have been together for 3 years now.

Many of the stories I read on the relationships forum over the weekend I found incredibly sad...some made me weep. So many stories of affairs and abandonment and separation of families.

I have moments of feeling insecure in my relationship. The choice not to marry has been led by OH. He's done it a few times before and it has not worked so he is reluctant to do so again. I can understand this and some days I feel like "well, a ring on a finger doesn't make two people any more loving of one another" and then other days I feel sad that I will never have that moment when a man says "I love you so much, I want you to be my wife." Yes, I am a bit of a romantic! I'm also sad that my child will not have the same name as me.

OH and I have a very good relationship. We have had our bumps but always been good at honest communication...even when its been the hardest thing to do.

I know having a child will change our lives forever but I cannot see HOW this change will look until we are there. We are both genuinely excited/scared/joyous about our new arrival. What I am keen to hear about, Mumsnetters, is from those of you who are in a 'good' relationship with your husband/wife/partner and specifically what you have done in the past to maintain your marriage in the face of challenges such as finances, kids, work, outside temptations etc. How did you adjust to being a mother/father AND a spouse? how did you keep your relationship alive, happy and healthy?

Thank you x

Well, I can't speak as someone with a wealth of experience but I am seven months into experiencing relationship changes after a baby and it is hard.

Thats probably not what you wanted to hear but its true, I'm not going to sugar coat it. I still love my DP as much as ever but my DS now comes above everything and anyone else and if I'm not careful it will be to the detriment of my relationship. Sex is the last thing on my mind and I mostly like to sleep. I'm tired and sometimes irritable even though DS is 7 months old and sleeps right through most nights and my attention span and listening skills have gone to pot.
All this has resulted in my DP feeling very much left out and ignored.

We had a good talk about it a couple of weeks ago and we have both made a conscious effort to make improvements (I want him to be more romantic and help more around the house without being asked and he wants me to actively listen to him and fool around more like we used too)

I suppose it takes more of a conscious effort to keep things good when a baby arrives because as i say when you become a mother your DC become your sole purpose for existing (in my opinion anyway).

Separating being a mum and a partner is something i am finding difficult so i will be interested to read any other replies regarding this. we do make sure we have time together away from DS which does help, but its difficult to switch off mu and become 'sexy girlfriend'

Not really answering your question, but if you're not getting married then do make sure all the legal stuff is thoroughly covered in other ways - there are people on here who can give chapter and verse on just what aspects you might assume are covered but in fact aren't if you don't specifically sort them out.

And... why won't your child have your name?

Try to make sure you understand where you stand on things like finances, housework, free time. It is easy to end up with the woman being the one who stays home and irons shirts and has no money of her own. Better to talk it through before it becomes an argument.

Having a baby is life-changing, mainly because you go from being two adults who can have a sensible conversation, to being two adults plus a completely self-focussed being who cannot explain anything and will demand total domination of your world. Accept that this is the way it is, and try to be nice to each other about the effects that stress and sleep deprivation will have. Apologise when you need to, but make sure he is doing his share of the apologising too. Keep communicating.

Thank you for responding Imogencodpiece. I am keen to hear all sorts of experiences, really. I try to imagine what it will be like and try and foresee where the troubles might come, but it's not possible really so i am not stressing about it anymore!

My OH is quite a big kid himself (even though 12 yrs older than me). We had a conversation about 'what are you most scared of when baby comes along' and one of the things he did say was he was worried about not getting any attention anymore. He is a very extroverted person. His job means he travels with work and is on parade in front of clients a lot. he holds a room and is entertaining in any conversation. He's not one to sit still or have quiet time so I can see why he worries about being pushed aside, but I love that he can say that out loud. I'm the opposite. Very introverted and I recharge my batteries by having some time alone. I love it when he goes away for a few days as I can have some peace and watch my TV shows!!

I too would love to hear anymore experiences about how people separate parenting and partnering and can it be done?

Not sure I'm qualified to answer what with two failed relationships and all but I've learned a lot from both and am currently in a very happy relationship (not cohabiting though). So here's my twopennethworth...

IMO communication is key. Most arguments and resentment come from misunderstandings and opposing perspectives. If you can communicate well you can avoid a lot of misunderstandings and often find a happy compromise where your viewpoints differ. If you don't address things, they fester.

I'm a mum of two. My DC obviously affect my romantic relationship but not negatively. We get to do fun family stuff that my BF loves (he doesn't have DC). And my DC have made me a much better person because I have learned about my own strengths and weaknesses as a result of having them. I passionately reserve the right to be my own person and pursue my own interests outside the role of mum or GF and I think this is vital to maintaining a healthy, equal relationship. It encourages your partner and your growing DC to see you as a person in your own right, rather than just a cog in the family unit. This fosters respect - the basis of all good relationships.

ON a day-to-day basis, try to treat your partner with the same degree of politeness and friendliness you would afford a well-liked colleague. It goes without saying that you should love each other "warts and all" and be able to show your vulnerable side and expect support, but a little consideration goes a long way.

Resisting temptation from others is about self awareness. Recognise that your happiness is your own responsibility, and while someone can make you unhappy, no one can make you happy. If you're bored with your life, get a hobby not a lover to get that sense of excitement. If your relationship is flagging, revive it or leave. Take responsibility and you won't go far wrong.

You can't compromise on the issue of whether or not to get married. You either do or don't. You've capitulated. Is that typical of your relationship or is it about equal? It will make a difference.

If you're both happy not to get married, that's one thing, but please, please make sure you are protected against the event of a split. Especially now you're expecting. If your OH won't consider that, I'd consider how deeply invested he is in your relationship.

Also, your child doesn't have to have your OH's surname. Perhaps tell him that as you're not married you'd prefer the baby to have yours. It will make sense if you follow the usual route of being the parent who does the school run/admin, etc.

Congratulations on your pregnancy.

Thanks AMumInScotland. I take that advice on board and will read up on where I legally stand should things go wrong in the future. My dad has talked to me about this as it is something that massively concerns him, even though he loves my OH. my dad loved my mum too at one point, but she had an affair when I was five. my mum walked away with just us kids and the car so my dad never suffered financially but he has lived through things happening you never expect and so I understand why he has flagged it. I guess I am a little naive. I think that OH would have to have a personality transplant to see his own child go without. As for me, I wont be working for at least a year so that does limit my income. I am a home-owner though although not the owner of the one we currently live in.

I hope I can have awareness when I am knackered to be nice to OH and as you say, apologise when I need too...without turning into a doormat!

The mere fact that he has been married 'a few times' does mean he's maybe not the best at sticking to things when the going gets tough, so you need to make sure you take a mature view of the practicalities of life. 'Big kids' can sometimes take the huff when life doesn't go their way. The fact that you can't imagine him letting his child go without doesn't mean that he might not get petulant if things get messy between you, and could for instance hold the financial help over you as a way of getting attention.

I'm not saying he will, of course, but an ounce of prevention is better than a pound of cure in these cases, and takes out a potential cause of stress between you when you are both frazzled with a baby.

I've kept that post Dahlen. Thank you. Lots of good stuff there. Yes, I have capitulated on the marriage thing. Because I respect his past experiences and understand why he doesn't want to and he has never, ever led me to believe that 'one day' it may happen. Although, he has changed a little about this since we got pregnant. He's now open to conversation about it. Is having a baby a reason to get married? The only reason for me would be so we all have the same name!

I capitulated on that too. I PLANNED on standing strong and insisting baby would have my surname but when I examined the real reason why I wanted this it was to, in affect, get back at the lack of marriage thing. It was me trying to have control over something and saying 'HA! if you don't want to marry me then baby will have MY name and that will show you!' Hated myself. That's not the person I want to be. That is not the relationship we have.

I always live by a rule that I will talk to my OH all of the time like I talk to people working in a shop or people in a meeting. I have friends who always have a smile and positivity in their voice for everyone they talk to, except their OH.

I think you should ensure you have financial security. And not be left vulnerable if your relationship doesn't work out. I know that might seem a bit mercenary but I am shocked when I read some posts on here about SAHP's and all the finances being controlled by the working partner.

But be aware of each other. It's not all plain sailing and nobody should expect it to be. And don't go into relationships aware of glaring faults and think the person will change. The chances are they won't.

I am also interested in your comment 'he has been married a few times' - how many times? What makes you feel secure in this relationship? If he is older than you is this part of his 'track record' - ie: moving from one wife/girlfriend to another when things don't go to plan? I would be very wary.

Firstly, it's OK to want to be married to the father of your children. I think the idea that you might be needy in wanting that is something unique to our generation. Of course plenty of people have kids without being married and if that's what both want, who cares? But if one of you does it will cause resentment - and I know this from experience because DH got married when dd2 was 1y.o

Anyway apart from that - yes, communication and specifically being honest about what you need.

Not behaving as if the only right way to do things is your way (you can't help it if you think it ).

Being kind to each other is very important in the early days - for BOTH of you.

And I'm sure this is frowned upon but it's amazing what regular sex will do for a relationship between people who are getting on each other's nerves a bit. Only when you are ready after birth, though, obviously; no point if it's not fun for both of you!

Hello ragwort. 3 times previously. All long term relationships (8 years +) but never made it through eight months of marriage. No children. There are reasons why each failed but I only hear one side of the story so I dont sit hear certain I know everything...I dont. The reasons for the break ups have never been infidelity on either side but he has admitted to moving on quickly afterwards i.e. before divorce papers signed. he was single for 3 years before we met. i have voiced my worries at his past and explicitly that he seems to run a bit too easily when things get tough. He admits that yes he has done in the past. I cant change him and I certainly cant change his past. He has so many wonderful qualities and I choose to embrace and enjoy these whilst taking on the risk of his appalling track record.

So you've compromised on two major issues and he hasn't?

When you say you felt your own motives for wanting to keep the baby's name the same as yours weren't valid, what makes you think that? They're perfectly valid IMO and not because of spite but because of practical sense. If you don't share the same name as your OH it makes most sense for the baby to share a surname with the person most likely to be charged with the child's day-to-day care and the person most likely to be resident parent in the event of a split.

Also, consider why you need a reason. You only need that if you accept the father's surname as the default. Give me one reason - other than rapidly diminishing tradition - why the father's surname should be the default. If you don't subscribe to tradition (and if you're not getting married, you don't), then baby having your surname actually has more merit than the father's name for the reasons above.

I don't think you need to get married at all. I do think that you need to make sure your name is legally tied to any assets you acquire as a couple, that you are named as next of kin for each other and that you have wills in place. If you are financially equal, pension rights will matter less, but are worth thinking about, too.

Howdy plantsitter. Indeed - I know of 4 couple who have been together 10 years+, have children, are insanely happy and never married.

"Not behaving as if the only right way to do things is your way (you can't help it if you think it wink)." yeah, this use to be more. OH and I clean the house together every other weekend and I used to tell him how to clean. that didnt go down too well and I learn't that my way is not the only way! however, there does seem to be just one way of putting stuff in a dishwasher and that is by opening the door and putting item in...not ON TOP of the dishwasher. I dont back down on that one!

We have been very happily married for 20 years (so far ).
We are best friends as well as lovers.
I can tell him anything and he always has my back. MIL had early potential to be a PITA but he always backed me to the hilt.
I trust him utterly and am equally trustworthy in return.
Everything is split 50/50 including childcare and money.
We encourage each other to live life to the full. If he wants to go out, I'm happy that he is having a good time and vice versa. No jealousy ever.
We have brought up 2 children together, survived the hideousness of DDs early teens without it shaking our marriage or our love for each other.
We have healthy respect for each other. We disagree on some things but can see the others point of view at the same time ( except the Pink Floyd worship, which I will never understand )
We prioritise time together, even if it's just a quick catch up after a hard day at work to talk about our day.
We look forward to growing old(er) together and make plans for it.
Is that the sort of thing you mean?

Thanks KatieScarlett. Yeah, this is the stuff I am looking for. I can hand on heart say that OH is my best friend. He is the only person in the world who I have told everything too and this is part of what makes me secure with him. I have had to tell him so pretty hard things about my past at a very early stage, something I was not willing/able to do in previous relationships when I was younger. It's the sort of stuff that a lot of men would say "ohhhh. Sorry you went through that. let's just be friends."

I like what you say about positive encouragement to live life to the full. How did you do that when your children were very young? For example, did you give up work and he didn't? How did you partner encourage you to keep a bit of you whilst being a mum?

Big fan of prioritising time. We have done that since we moved in. We both have wide circle of friends and I have hobbies and was doing a college course part time too until recently. The first thing that went in the calendar each week was our date night, even if it meant one of us cancelling something/someone else.

I have an angel of a MIL. I think it contributes to the depth of feeling I have for OH...he has a cracking family whom I love to spend time with. Fortunately, he gets on great with my family too :).

Sorry but the only thing I can focus on is you saying you will never have the same last name as your child.

You can and should, IMO.

We fell at the child hurdle.....
Here's why I think:
Lack of communication
Lack of couple time
Lack of sex
Lack of friendship (we lost it and became 'just parents' together)

Work on these areas as these are what can go amiss when babies come along...especially 2 in 2 years like we did......
Good luck- whatever comes your way parenthood is amazing xx

Hi Whereisegg. A bit like the marriage thing, my feelings change about this. This worries me as I think this means I don't really have the courage of my convictions. Either that or deep down, I am ambivalent. I admire people who set their stall and stick with it whilst still being respectful to other people's opinion. I sit on the fence about so much. I can see things from many different sides and points of view. The last name of my child won't make me love him more or less. The reason I want my child to have my name is because I am doing the carrying, labour and will be primary carer so I think I deserve it AND I don't want to be judged by people everywhere I go where my name and my son's name are written down and are different. BUT...should I care what these strangers think? My family and my friends know he is my son...shouldn't that be all I need?

Yes, if you already feel strongly about the name thing prior to birth please give it yours. If he wants it to have his, he'll need to marry you!

Mine have a different name to me and I can honestly say I've never been judged for it (that I know of)....and if I was I don't give a fig anyway?! I've got my fathers name, they have their fathers name.....end of. No one else's business?!

I didn't want my children to have a different last name to me, so they don't.

Any reason you have for wanting this is valid.

Of course your dp may want his surname, but you will be the main carer.

Not only are you the main carer but he is the one not wanting to get married...therefore he is the one preventing you all having the same name...therefore you should have the say over which name baby gets IMO

When DC were young we took every opportunity to farm them out to GPs so we could go out together. We also made sure every dinner party we hosted was child friendly ( My best mate and I used to BF between courses) until the kids were old enough to be left for a few hours. Nowadays, they come along for the free booze
My MIL gave me good advice about making time for socialising together before the DC were born. She was right.
I have always worked. That is very important to me. DH and I always shared the unexpected days off due to child illness etc. We always knew whose turn it was

I have rather different advice- don't forget your friends and the other people who're important to you! Make time for them too. Otherwise you'll find you have nobody but your partner.

Your child should have your name. Really this should be non-negotiable if he's not going to marry you.

Having a baby enlarges any cracks in a partnership. You have several issues that you need to work on now. Why does he have such a spectacular record of relationship break-up? Has he sought counselling? It seems like a status change is a trigger for him, so having a baby is a big risk factor.

You need to research your legal and finanical rights and get yourself secured. But you also need to ask yourself what your strategy is for having a child with a man who won't commit to you. You need to get a back up plan in place? I'm assuming this is a biological clock issue?