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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Defining moment that you realised your relationship was over

184 replies

Faffalina · 11/10/2013 16:09

As it sounds, really. Not sure if this has been done already but was there something your partner did / said that made you realise it would have to end?

OP posts:
DebrisSlide · 12/10/2013 19:46

After yet another discovery of hidden bottles by my Walter Mitty-esque fiance, we sat in a counselling session and a big wave of "I have no more chances left in me" came over me. I don't think I've ever had more of a sense of what is right. I said that out loud and moved to the other end of the country the next weekend. I don't know who let out a bigger sigh of relief, me or the counsellor.

His 3rd wife has just left him, I know not why. But I can imagine that he is just repeating "same shit, different woman".

Handywoman · 12/10/2013 20:09

Mine is low key and bizarre! After a week of constant eggshells, tension, laziness, self-centredness and one helping of verbal abuse .... he lost the plot when I refused to agree to the purchase of a sofa, then sat passive-aggressively glueing together a pair of old shoes. I thought how dangerous and unattractive his pent-up anger was. Then about two hours later suddenly declared we needed urgently to purchase (wait for it...) a bureau to hide my paperwork which was an unpleasant reminder to him of my job which was causing all the having to look after his own children on his own in short when I realized I was trying to justify the unjustifiable in my head it was all over for me.

noNicknameAnymore · 12/10/2013 22:09

When my labour started he told me to go and get ready while he was having some party with his favourite team joint and beer

F**up all in big style

theendishere · 12/10/2013 23:41

When I discovered he'd been lying about a big issue, while, wait for it... we were having counselling about, amongst other things, how his past lies had ruined trust, and how he needed to be truthful if there were to be a future for us!

Spelt · 12/10/2013 23:53

On holiday. Woman at next table was in a wheelchair. Her DH went to the buffet for some food for her. I just absolutely knew that in similar circumstances my DH would deliberately choose food I don't like. The thought of growing old with him filled me with dread.

There were quite a few 'lightbulb moments', but that was the first time I really cottoned on to the idea of marriage being for the rest of your life.

Strumpetron · 13/10/2013 00:21

T

Strumpetron · 13/10/2013 00:21

Took

Strumpetron · 13/10/2013 00:21

Took me

Strumpetron · 13/10/2013 00:24

God damn this phone!

Took me four years of abuse, cheating, stealing, hitting, splitting up and getting back together, he'd disappear for days once saying he was going to the shop and coming back three days later with the excuse of 'I got lost' wtf.

Despite all that bollocks I stayed like a coward.

Then one morning, I woke up and packed my stuff and left. I was almost tranquil. Something just clicked in my brain and I just went and never saw him again.

Unidentifiedflyingobject · 13/10/2013 01:16

Laughing at Strumpetron's phone Smile

Some of these are terrible, so sad and serious, mine is more one of the little things...

I asked him for ten minutes one evening to listen to a presentation I'd done for a work assessment. I was in bits about it, really stressed. Continued funding (and therefore a large chunk of our very stretched household income) depended on it. I had literally counselled him through every working day for the previous month because he was having a nightmare. He begrudgingly said he would listen, then went to sleep while I was talking.

Strumpetron · 13/10/2013 01:22

I got there in the end Wink

joanofarchitrave · 13/10/2013 02:09

I'm not quite sure with XH, because there were so many 'that's it' moments... but when he ruined my mother's 65th birthday family party, having a massive tense and very obvious silent sulk all through the meal because there were CHILDREN there (2 well behaved nieces of primary school age) which I hadn't warned him in advance there would be, and after the meal we all went for a walk, and it was a bit squelchy and there was some mud on his shoe, so he got in a massive strop and marched off to sit in our ridiculous sports car that was too low for me to get out of next to a kerb without flashing my gusset, and then when I decided I had to go with him and left my mother's party early for his sake, he drove home too fast for 3 hours without saying a single word to me and then when we got home appeared to think that all was well.... I think at that point it became obvious that the relationship was doomed. Took another year for me to leave Confused

learnasyougo · 13/10/2013 02:28

Emotionally and financially abusive for years, have the digg enthusiastic welcome but would come home without even a hello for me.
Out every single night until (typically) 2am, sometimes 7am, have a shower and then go to work again. He drove an expensive car but I wasn't allowed to have driving lessons. I was a skivvy, hand washing everything because washing machines are expensive.
We had no sex for over a year (his choice, not mine) yet I found condoms in his wallet.

He denied. It was only once I realised it didn't actually MATTER whether he was having an affair as I was so neglected that I finally bought plane ticket (Money from mum by western union)
But them he convinced me to stay, give him a chance. I was not allowed to have a bank account, so the ticket refund (about 400 quid) went to his account. He said he'd send it back to my mum. 3 months later turns out he'd bought tyres for his car with it!

mum sent more via western union and I left. He continued to accuse ME of affairs. Uh huh... Projection!

learnasyougo · 13/10/2013 02:32

Should add I was living in his country, thousands of miles from home. I stopped eating and lost more weight than I could afford (partly sure to the financial abuse. I'd be stuck at home, no car. If I rang to say there is no food in the house, I haven't eaten today and even the dog is hungry, he'd come home (2am) with just dog food.

JanePlanet · 13/10/2013 04:05

When I found a lump in my neck Dr's suspected lymphoma. I had to go for a biopsy, I asked him if he was coming with me. He said no because he'd be in work - but would try to ring if he got a chance. I ignored his calls when he rang. Was over from then on. And thankfully the lump was benign.

PaulineWhatsername · 13/10/2013 09:12

We'd not been getting on for 4 out of the 5 years we'd been married. I'd been out to a club with a friend and got home late. He was up watching TV - it was the night the Gulf War kicked off. I'm very old

"Where the hell have you been?" he shouted. "Don't you realise what's going on?" pointing to the TV Confused

So the Gulf War had been added to the list of problems I'd caused prat

greeneyedcat · 13/10/2013 09:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BodaciousTatas · 13/10/2013 11:52

When I found 5 pairs of boxers in the bottom of the wardrobe all stinking of urine, we had only lived together for about 4 months and I knew then we would not last. It took another 8 for me to pluck up the courage to tell him.

In this time he

Told me I should have the same thoughts and feelings as him about everything as we are a couple!
Wouldn't poo while I was in the house ever and never let me see him naked, he was so repressed where I am total opposite.
Stuffed half empty crisp packets down the side of the bedroom drawer causing mice to move in.

The final thing that finally made me pack his stuff and leave was when I was looking for resident mice and pulling all the furniture out he just stood there and watched.

Oh and he was a hypochondriac and always had something wrong with him.

Wellwobbly · 13/10/2013 11:57

When I was standing in Sainsburys and I realised that the checkout lady was nicer to me than my own H - and she was pain a minimum wage to be so.

Wellwobbly · 13/10/2013 11:58

paid

clam · 13/10/2013 12:16

When I went to a party and met some of my boyfriend's "London" friends. They all asked me how I knew him. We'd been going out for three years, yet not one of them knew of my existence!

verity297 · 13/10/2013 13:09

Strange as it sounds probably not until the divorce was almost completed. He had left me for OW 2 years earlier and I was in the process of selling the family home so he could have his equity. I'd just been told I had a rare cancer and needed major surgery including time in ICU. I had to let him know because I needed to pull out of the house sale.
He came to the house and was completely expressionless, offered no compassion or support and walked away from me again, knowing I had cancer and was alone.
It was a defining moment for me, I don't think I had fully accepted that my marriage was over until then.

Thankfully and miraculously the tumour was benign.

jojoanna · 13/10/2013 13:12

yesterday when he was drunk,,,,again

NickysMam · 13/10/2013 15:26
  1. When I lost my temper disgustingly, and wanted to strangle the living soul out of H.
  2. When he actually put his hands around my throat and spat in my face.
  3. When he allowed his family to disrespect me on a daily basis and told me "what can I do about it? it's their house"
  4. When he then told me he had no intention to move us out anytime soon.
  5. When DS would cry "mummy, daddy" daily cause of fights.
  6. When H would purposefully have his back to me in bed, knowing it made me feel unloved. (small but he knew the enormity of it's impact)
  7. When MIL told me to wait for H to come home from work (10-11pm) to serve him his dinner and wait for him to eat it then wash the dish.
  8. When H agreed to the above, knowing I had a long day with DS, terrible MS and SPD to boot.
  9. When MIL made excuses for him the day I made his dinner and waited up for him (I know) only to be told that he was at a restaurant with his colleagues.. "it's work, I don't want to lose my job". Finally went to bed at midnight sobbing.
10. When H told me it's not a man's role to do any childcare or housework.. FIL and MIL started it and supported it. 11. When MIL shouted at me for having the "audacity" to listen to my parents and accept their help. 12. When MIL woke me up from my nap after finally putting DS down to nap, to make me clean out the fridge and De-ice the fridge freezer. 13. When I complained to H and he just looked at me. 14. When I was called from my room to sweep up the crumbs FIL dropped on the floor and then made to wash up their dishes.

ALL of this happened within 3 days. I'm currently typing this on the national express home to my parents house with my DS and bump in tow. Good riddens. He has no idea but the rings left on his pillow will say it all.

I wrote a post recently stating that I was leaving and he talked me out if it. This time there is no going back

Lweji · 13/10/2013 15:30

NickysMam, well done.
All the best for you in your new life. What a bastard and bastard PILs.