How long does it take to 'get over' and how to immunise myself ?

[redundantandbitter]

So, it's been nearly 4 weeks since being dumped for yoga lady. Bloody hard, long days and crap sleepless nights. Body is falling apart . He has done this previously (2.5 yrs ago) but returned 5 weeks later. We are NC but am panicking at the thought of him tipping up again with his "hi honey, how are you?" emails. I lurk here to distract myself and there's lots of good advice but I still feel weak and confused and like there is more to come . I only say this as I know his behaviour patterns. Last time we spoke was weeks ago and he said see you in a couple of weeks . Not sure why? Argh. In addition, Has anyone truly honestly stayed 'friends' with an ex? (Apart from Simon Cowell).

Euphoric!! Doh

OP - does she know anything about your 4 years of hassle though? You don't know what he's told her. They have only known each other for a couple of months, it's unlikely she knows about him cheating on his wife with you. It's highly possible that he's re-written history.

My H stood up at a big christmas party to make everyone give a toast to her for how happy she'd made him, after 3 months!!! I think he was euphoric too

I'm still having trouble taking on your kind words btw!! always brings tears...

R&B just stopped by to give you a squeeze. The "firsts" are always hard. So tomorrow will be tough, it's true. But it will pass in the end, like all days do. I hope you can find done solace with your friend

And a big hurrah from me for going to the docs. Well done! I too went at about the same stage as you. I hadn't slept properly for weeks and was desperate. Sobbed at the doctor who gave me some sleeping tablets and made me promise I would go back if I needed any more help.

You are doing great (even though you are your own harshest critic) and every day brings you one step closer to the other side

putitonthelist the day he told me he wanted to end our relationship for someone 'warm and nice' he told me that he had told her 'all about us and what we'd been through together' .. So apparently she does know. But who knows how much he's down played things, glossed over the fact that he stalked me for years (He knew where I worked etc).. Emailed me for one year (with random memories that i dont remember!) and then finally we met up and spent the next 4 years forging forward and creating havoc in our wake. I was the one from 25 yrs ago .. Whose name he 'called out in dark moments ' .. Yeah, hmmm. Bet he hasn't told her that.

cjel a Xmas toast- urgh. Bet the guests weren't impressed. Yeah, he sounds like my exp.

boup thanks . :(

they were his friends that he does his hobby with and I heard even they were cringing!!!

I bet they were! I am cringing at the thought! So sorry you had to hear he did that

One of his mates sent me a message to say 'its all
Bollocks' .. And that's his friend!!! It's embarrassing isn't it?

He would have loved our holiday this week, the outdoors and wildlife.

Last night , I sat round a campfire with two couples and 8 kids between us. Chatting in the darkness and I was thinking 'how dare he call me insular!'

they dare to call you what they like as it helps to ease their guilt and assist the transition of belief in their lies to themselves. I find out a lot of what they do as we live in a small place, It is laughable now though he seems to have knocked 35 yrs off his life!! even my daughter and best friend say I wouldn't like him now. When one of my new friends said she didn't know why I married him and I said he wasn't always like this my dd said 'I can remember when dad was nice'

Yep, he's told himself an awful lot of guff. Maybe the insular thing wAs coz I didn't jump on board every idea that came to
Him. Sorry but I'm not going to walk behind him with a wheelbarrow to catch every idea of his. . Grown ups at our age can have separate interests without splitting up. Think
He wanted someone to fawn over him more than I did. Guess I am a bit to northern for all that. More fool
Him.

Cjel Ouch. That must have been hard to hear from your dd. I know my DDs don't see their dad that much, he loves them but doesn't have the same connection as me, coz he doesn't put the hours in. They know I'm the captain! I expect your dd knows you are the rock too. Not nice to have to hear what they are up to though. Urgh.

My lovely EXP's girls will be thinking things about their dad and new girlfriend. Maybe not now, but they'll be posting on MN in a few years time about their dad leaving their mum for the 'love of his life' and then ditching her for 'spiritual awakening' lady... And then whoever after that... It won't have passed them by at such an influential age. I feel
For them.

Morning, How you doing today, I am going to painting class with dgd. Are you going round to WHATS later?x

Fed up. It's his birthday today . 44. It's going to take all my strength to not text him with 'happy birthday' .

Yes, I'll be at whats. The one with the tissues looking shit and miserable

Feel for you x I know how hard it is. It was his birthday in October and I know he woud have expected a message. What plans have you got for today? Try and keep yourself busy. Put some music on loud and have a dance.

Stay strong. I was so proud of myself when I didn't crumble. Don't give him the satisfaction.

Have you had any contact with his daughters? How old are they?

Hi, thanks . Am busy with my daughters today, thankfully,dance classes etc. we will curl up on the sofa and watch a DVD this aft.

Did you hear from him in October?

His vain selfishness will expect some sad heartfelt message from me , so I won't do it. Though god I REALLY want to. I booked our whole half term around his birthday. He has his daughters today and tomorrow so won't be out and about, I expect new yoga lady will visit him this evening. No contact with his DDs. I first met them in January but it wAs sporadic and he fretted , but we had the odd day out etc. I liked them . He's never mentioned my DDs who spent a lot more time with him as he stayed at my house twice a week - that was his decision- 'I need to spend at least 2 nights a week with you' and he moved stations to be closer. Can't see his kids wanting to see me, or EXW allowing it. New yoga lady is much nicer apparently

Sounds good.

No but I think I mentioned that I bumped into him twice despite my best efforts to avoid him. I found out recently that he has moved house and is now living 10 mintues up the road from me which has made my heart sink. He never had a nice thing to say about the village where I live and now he's practically my neighbour!!

Yes! That was my exact train of thought. He will expect a message. He contacted me on my birthday and I was sucked in again for another month until I had a lightblub moment and basically told him to f*ck off or I would tell his OH about us.

I take it that someone has told you yoga lady is much nicer? Would that be his EXW?

No, not EXW. Not heard from her, and I really thought I would. He basically told me himself that she was good with his kids. Well they were at 'camp' weren't they? I've seen the FB photos of them ... His youngest dd is sitting on yoga ladies knee...he's already told me she's nice and warm. Makes me feel like a piece of shit. I was the best thing in the world bit long ago.

Yes, I remember now you says you encountered him twice! And now he's moved to your village? Poo. The cheek. My exp loved where I live, but his area is trying to be the same as here so its all happening where he lives.

Now i am making the kids their favourite soup and I can't help but remember him sitting in my kitchen watching me move around the kitchen.. Making lovely comments....he honestly adored me.. And me him.. Now I just don't know how much was lies and shit and how much was real. It's all
Horrible. I wish I could just have the old him back. He's gone from a married policeman in the family home to this in a couple of years. It's actually unsettling and worrying. Sorry I'm ranting aren't I?

Rant away.

Ouch that must hurt. And he is being incredibly cruel by telling you that.

Yes. It's not ideal. The thing I most dread is bumping into the two of them together. I really don't know how I would react. Thinking back on stuff with a clear head, he was full of contradictions - but moving to the place he 'hated' (his exact wording) tops the lot.

I'm sorry, it sounds like the old him has well and truly left the building. It's still early days for you. You haven't hit the immense anger stage yet. You will do. Don't worry about him, worry about yourself. There's a saying - If someone shows you who they are, believe them. You (and me too) knew that they were liars and cheats, we just believed that we were 'the one' x

Yes, someone else posted that "they show us who they really are, but we choose not to see it".

I've been at this end of the f**ing cruelty before. He can inflict such pain for someone so bleeding spiritual.

I hope you manage to avoid your ex.. Can't be nice knowing they are local. I feel for you. No, I'm not angry , I'm still caught in the misery loop of why, how could he etc etc

Hey Ladies, Nice to meet you at WHATS - YOu don't look shit at all
My H lives couple of miles away in small ton and when I rented he said he 'could never live in this part of town' He bought his flat right opposite (I'd moved by then) An now has moved into OWs house right there - yadrs from dd and ds houses - But he too hated it there!!!

It is very unsettling how quick they go down isn't it? I just thank God that I'm not going down with him.

We have really bad wind here tonight so I'm going for the central heating ,choc and tv option all roundx

That sounds lovely cjel .. Good seeing you today too! We should all go round to whats house more often!!!!

I hate sitting back and watching my lovely settled relationship be destroyed by him and his f'ing whims. Coz that's what it feels like.. A bloody whim. We were a good team... Seperate but together, totally in love. Sexually in tune, great spark and chemistry. It's soul destroying .

It's mean, but I hope he does go down hill. He's lost his anchor and support. But I know him and her are blissful and excited. Disappointed .

It's v windy here though didn't stop me roping the kids in to move firewood to stack by my front door, bless them. In going round to a pregnant friends house tonight... She can stop me texting him 'happy birthday'. Sigh .

put does his wife know what you look like?

I can imagine my exp giving his new girlfriend the low down... Maybe telling her my mobile number so she can block it? Not exactly romantic start to a relationship
Is it? Not that I rang her ... But she's got a website for her yoga classes and recently posted her email address on twitter.. So I could contact her if I was having a 'moment'. I just really hope they aren't as compatible as they think. ..

They aren't married, they don't even live together. They have been in a relationship for 10 years and moved in together briefly but it didn't work out. We've met but she doesn't know about me and him, she is completely in the dark about us. He actually left his pregnant wife for her oh the irony I must have been stupid to ever go there.

Huh? So he started a relationship with you... He spent 10 yrs with his g/friend. .. They moved in but it didn't work out? Poor pregnant wife.. How horrible.., he sounds a proper charmer doesn't he? Sorry... He must have something about him or else you wouldn't have fallen for him too.. How long were you together and did he tell you he would leave... It's a messy horrid life. I was so glad when we shifted out of that world and became less sordid. But I think he likes the excitement and buzz. You sound v sorted - an inspiration

I know you couldn't make it up!
When I see it written down it really is pathetic. We had a very intense 6 months. I ended my unhappy marriage and he ended his relationship - or so he told me. It was lies. He told me he loved me and that was a lie too.

I fell in love with a lie basically. He was charming, interesting, witty, attractive (and very persistent!) but had and still has some deep rooted issues. He is a narcissist, absolutely no doubt about it. I was heartbroken but I now know I've had a lucky escape. He cheated on his wife with his girlfriend and then cheated on her with me.

Oh god. Yeah that's one messed up guy. Kids in a sweetshop thinking they can having anything, whenever they want.

Blimey, 6 intense months. I bet it was intense. Tbh I hated the secret and had I been better equipped, emotionally , I should have ended it . Had I seen this website I wouldn't have gone there at all! But I was a shadow of the person I am now.

4 years... What an effing waste. And I bitterly regret the hurt.