How long does it take to 'get over' and how to immunise myself ?

[redundantandbitter]

So, it's been nearly 4 weeks since being dumped for yoga lady. Bloody hard, long days and crap sleepless nights. Body is falling apart . He has done this previously (2.5 yrs ago) but returned 5 weeks later. We are NC but am panicking at the thought of him tipping up again with his "hi honey, how are you?" emails. I lurk here to distract myself and there's lots of good advice but I still feel weak and confused and like there is more to come . I only say this as I know his behaviour patterns. Last time we spoke was weeks ago and he said see you in a couple of weeks . Not sure why? Argh. In addition, Has anyone truly honestly stayed 'friends' with an ex? (Apart from Simon Cowell).

Hope every time you cry it is one less time you will have to go through it. Sounds a lovely relaxing place. I hope you can get some restoration from itxx

((Hugs)) so pleased you didn't text. daisy is spot on - his interest is in her, that's what's making the other stuff seem interesting.

I went out with the girls a couple of months ago, had too much to drink, DCs were with their Dad for the night, I arrived home and poured out my heart in an e-mail to him and hit send.

I flaked out and when I woke up in the morning a feeling of absolute dread came over me. I had deleted and blocked him on Outlook and thank god the email had gone straight into Junk and hadn't sent. It was a turning point for me. I was so relieved that the email hadn't gone I can't tell you. Maybe getting my thoughts and feelings down was cathartic and helped me on my road to recovery.

I think I've mentioned writing stuff down - I started a journal although there's nothing in it at the moment, it's all been shredded and I have nothing more to say right now. Do you think that might help you?

Texts are the devil. I long for the time before texts, they can cause a lot of damage. They are too easy to send, confusing and stop people engaging properly. I truly wish we could go back to the time of phone calls. Men are cowards these days and getting worse. The art of conversation and wooing will be lost forever .

Thanks... For the hugs too..I can't seem to get the thoughts written down ... Apart from notes for relate ... I read on the other thread what someone said about anti depressants....l have avoided them ... Worried about side effects ..my Exp was rubbish in them... But I feel like I have been literally knocked off my axis... Anxious and fretting... Shouting at the kids... (Not great on holiday) I need to somehow press the reset button.. I am still lost...and beadboy isn't bothering with me anyway so no need to set up email diversion... But glad you did daisy ! Images of us together going round my head in a loop ..then images of them together .. Him appreciating the line of her muscles.. Her body.. Kissing her.. . I still love him

Hang in there R&B - you're doing better than you think. Every time an image pops into your head remember him for what he is - a mid life crisis mental case who lost the best thing he ever had (you).

I took anti-depressants for a while (about six months maybe). They helped and I wish I had gone to my doctor sooner. When I went to my doctor I was having suicidal thoughts and was in a very bad place. The doctor monitored me and upped my level and then when I was beginning to feel more stable took me off them gradually. The difference was enormous. I cannot say it was all down to the anti-depressants because I think time passing helped and having less to do with EXHusband, and generally things being calmer. However, I do think that they DID help and I don't think they are a bad thing. They helped me to cope and to look after my young daughter better. They stopped me sobbing at inappropriate times when I should have been looking after her :)

I also think ADs have a place although I had taken them in the past to get through life with him, I was having counselling to get through three house moves, two deaths and a marriage breakup in a year etc etc and didn't feel the need to take them . Haven't taken them for ten years now. So I'd say counselling is better but ADs can help until you can get some.
(((hugs))) for coping with dcs,xx

R&b you really are doing fine. What you're feeling is all perfectly normal and natural. When I was at the stage you are I was still obsessively checking FB and emails. Literally every few minutes and driving myself absolutely INSANE.

Hang on in there. It will pass.

Thanks you lovely people.. Struggling with signal here I
In country-ville. Just managing to check MN in a blip of signal availability.

Is this really normal? I am still checking twitter A LOT - though we aren't following each other I can remotely see him through mutual friend. Though exp just posts Krishna quotes .. [hmmm]. Dull

I can see yoga lady's twitter account but stopped looking when she posted summat about 'womb yoga'.sorry but no!

Thank you fuckedup I have tried to PM you but sodding trees are making it impossible. Was wondering how you are after Friday???? Update me please

I know this sounds daft but I really was good for him.. Best girlfriend he ever had.. I became understanding and accepting beyond belief. I don't even recognise myself. He had it easy.

A/d's... I think I may look into them .. I should have got them weeks ago when the dark thoughts crept in... Have already started counselling which is really Beneficial but i know my counsellor thinks EXP stinks. But I am stil sobbing at inappropriate moments... Driving the car etc..not good. It didn't help that I had a long day out with Dc's yest and couldn't find way back to ridiculously isolated farm in the dark. Drove round the lanes for over an hour.. It wasn't pleasant .

I downloaded Whatsapp so I can contact friends abroad and I see EXP'S Has it. Then his name appeared in 'chat'. But no text- really hoping that I haven't done that , I'm not sure how it works. Either I have sent him a blank message inadvertently or he's sent me one - blank messaging is some thing he did in the distant past. Deleted it anyhow.

It doesn't help that this place is so frigging quiet and romantic at night. He knows I'm a soft arse and I can't believe he's done this to me just so he can have a different flavour shag.

You know my situation love, if I can give you one piece of advice it would be not to check twitter. You know what I did and it messed me up big time, I don't know how I made it through the night - yes I do - MN. I came off FB and I'm not tempted to look anymore (did it twice). It also means I don't need to hear how wonderful other people's lives are.

Try, try not to torture yourself, I know how hard it is. You will not heal while you focus on him with yoga lady and what they may/may not be doing.

Those thoughts come in my head too, they nearly destroy you and for what? They are not hurting over this, you are. I am trying so hard to focus on my healing (even got a fringe cut today, never had one before but cheaper than botox). My problem now is disbelief at what he's done to me, not what he's doing with her.

I know I'm probably not in the best position to give advice as I am still healing but these thoughts of them are tearing you up. Please try not to do it to yourself.

I know the significance of this holiday for you and know that you will find the weekend hard with his birthday, my H birthday is next week so I understand, but why don't you treat yourself, have a massage, get a fringe cut, buy some clothes, even if online to stop you having panics at the shops.

You no doubt feel terrible when you shout at your DCs, try to make this holiday good memories for them, cuddle them lots. I always get strength from my DS. Take lots of photos and when you get home, go with them to buy some frames and put them in together, let them choose where they go in the house.

With the ADs, I didn't go on them for 3 weeks as I was so worried about the side effects. I have been on them for almost 8 weeks now, I didn't even notice side effects but they did take about 6 weeks to kick in. Not saying you won't get side effects but please get advice from your GP. Don't rule them out, start your healing process. I am also on beta blockers for anxiety. My panic attacks are still there but not every day now and they aren't as severe.

Please look after yourself x

Lovely to read that WHAT you don't realise how much you've changed!!!

Thanks what you have been so badly treated, I appreciate your words. People see what you are going through and are sympathetic and rightly so. Unfortunately for me my grief is mixed up in our history. Most people shrug their shoulders and say 'once a cheater' and 'well you were the OW and now he's done it to you '. So my pain gets down graded as though I deserve it. So you go through the pain and on top of that you have to accept you're a shit person too.

It's his birthday on Saturday. Ive bought 3 different cards.. Even bought a beautiful anniversary one today.. But he won't get them .. I won't send... But my head and heart are still carrying on as though he is still in my life .. I miss his conversation, his kids, job talk,his smell and the withdrawal from intimacy is beyond words. And people look at me and say 'well what did you expect' . Sorry .. I read that back
And it sounds proper shit

It ok to talk shit here RandB!!. I know you shouldn't have had the affair and so do you now, there are a lot of us here sad because of women who had affairs. BUT that doesn't diminish you pain in any way. How your relationship started was crap but so was how it ended.
Some people may think you deserve it, I don't , but it doesn't lessen it.
How you feeling tonight?

Awful. It's just not getting any better

Sorry,

I can't do 'treating myself' coz I feel
Like shit and don't deserve it anyway. Can't shop , I feel like the colour has drained from my life and I am seeing stuff in black and white.

Two Dc's and two jobs etc just means endless pushing through the days - there is so little time for anything. So when I get a rare moment like right now, sat with my feet on the stove , I just break down. How could he do this to me. Where the f**k is he? ?? The silence is unbearable

Did you say you were considering Ads? If you have plateaued you may need a helping hand? There is no time lines for how we are supposed to get through all this but the biggest thing is to not beat yourself up because you can't see any progress. Look at WHAT, she bought flowers and booked a massage. I remember that wretched feeling it really does overwhelm but it does pass and lessen. Hang on there. Have you got counselling soon?xx

R&B - how did the rest of your holiday go? I take it you're back now?

I wouldn't push ADs on anyone, I had never been on them in my life even though I was offered many times. This is something different and I nearly ended my life a few weeks ago, and had those thoughts after that night too. The ADs help, please speak to your GP, Relate on it's own doesn't seem to b helping you. I only mention them as I know you are in two minds about them.

You do deserve sympathy, you are hurting. You know you did something wrong at the start of the relationship but you mustn't keep thinking you are not worthy of support and if you look back on your thread/s you will see how many people are supporting you - it's been such a help to me.

A tiny thing - and I only mention it because you have said it a few times about the intimacy that has gone etc. Some ADs reduce your thoughts of an intimate nature, so maybe for a little while, that wouldn't be a bad thing as it sounds like that is making you hurt so much.

cjel is an angel x

Hey r&b just checking in to see how you are. See, there are people here who recognise your pain and who don't think you're a shit person who brought it on yourself. Every single person in the world makes mistakes, does things they regret. This is not your punishment

I remember in the depths of my pain people would tell me that it would get better. I didn't believe them. At times it felt like it was getting worse. But of course they were right.

You will be ok. Better than ok. Keep going. Keep putting one foot in front of the other and you will come out of the other side.

feel very un angelic WHAT, brought tear to my eye. thank you.x

Thanks

On our way home... Sat in little chef .. If that's not enough to tip me over the edge I don't know what is

Will call docs when I get home. cjel , yes I think
I have plateaued and don't know how to shift myself . Feel stuck in a miserable corner.

Thanks what, yes the intimacy is the most painful thing for me. The things we did together are very very personal and it breaks me to think he's , so easily, doing those things with her. Urgh

I don't have an addictive personality but I guess this is the nearest I have come..the withdrawal is truly horrendous. I know people say it will get better, but this is slipping into worse.

Blimey I haven't been in a little chef for years - hope you survived
Can't hurt to discuss the options honestly with your doctor. If you get the right ones for you and use them it could help you get out of that misery corner

I second what, you are an angel cjel. Called the doc from little chef. Got to call on Monday for an 'emergency app' but least I will see someone. Counselling not til next Friday.. I look forward to it coz she makes sense of him and let's me go on with myself.

Tomorrow will be hard, maybe he will be expecting me to send something for his birthday . I haven't/won't. I am seeing a heavily pregnant friend tomorrow evening - she's promised to keep me busy and occupy my mind. I had planned so many gifts and bought stuff that's been wasted.

I Know we started off in a wrong, tits up kind of way... But I genuinely thought we were seeing the fog clear. Even EXW accepted we had been together for a long time and I could meet his DDs etc. for which I am grateful. I miss them all . Even his smelly dog.

He's an ungrateful git.

Just a thought - do you think the fact that your relationship was finally 'accepted', particularly with his ExW and DDs made the thrill of it go for him? That's what I thought when I read your last post. I could be wrong but it would appear that he's started the whole process again with yoga lady - the betrayal, deceit, etc.

I'm glad you have an appointment with the GP - or at least will get an appointment on Monday.

It's a thought.. But he moved out 2 years ago .. Abs we have been building up and up carefully and subtlety unlike my kids dad who just announces meeting new fiancé, weddings etc. we were so f'ing careful about trying not to tread on anyone's toes any more. Basically I think I'm trying to say we were very aware of the pain that we had I instigated and I, particularly, didn't want any one to have any more hurt.

He wrote in his diary 'one degree of separation' . He wants me to be the one in between the really turbulent marriage and his nice new shiny thing. But he doesn't have the deceit and secrecy this time though the excitement factor is high. He told me is feels 'europhic' .

This time his m&d, kids and sister etc will all be pulling a face at the 'spiritual ' shit. I haven't met a single person yet who hasn't said WTF . My counsellor clearly isn't enamoured. A friend of his messaged me to save its all
Bollocks. So I don't think she'll get much of welcome arms from the people that had just accepted me . Though I'm sure she's nice. Hasn't she stopped to think that he's just ditched me after 4 frigging years of hassle? Alarm bells no?