How long does it take to 'get over' and how to immunise myself ?

[redundantandbitter]

So, it's been nearly 4 weeks since being dumped for yoga lady. Bloody hard, long days and crap sleepless nights. Body is falling apart . He has done this previously (2.5 yrs ago) but returned 5 weeks later. We are NC but am panicking at the thought of him tipping up again with his "hi honey, how are you?" emails. I lurk here to distract myself and there's lots of good advice but I still feel weak and confused and like there is more to come . I only say this as I know his behaviour patterns. Last time we spoke was weeks ago and he said see you in a couple of weeks . Not sure why? Argh. In addition, Has anyone truly honestly stayed 'friends' with an ex? (Apart from Simon Cowell).

Well ... According to FB (yes I know, I did so well to go weeks and not look at it ) .., EXP and yoga lady went to London on Tuesday to have an 'embrace' from an Indian Mahatma.

Yes, I can just see the reactions from his fellow officers on Wednesday morning in the station when he says he went to London for a free hug.... Tumbleweed... Brew anyone?

Yes, the man I loved has well and truly left the building. That's that nail in the coffin then.

I'm sure that I just posted a reply but I don't know where it went!!
Was saying that I understood your post and sooo glad you had a breakthrough of sorts heres to many more.

I used to tell people that OW was just another of his hobbies. he always had to have the latest - sport/motorbikes/building home/business/family/latest food etc etc. It must be that buzz that he gets. IME he should be getting fed up with her in 6-12 months!!!

Oh OP, please don't torture yourself by looking at Facebook again.

Good grief how long has he known yoga lady? Any idea of the age difference? This sudden transformation sounds bizzare!

Good for you for not replying to his emails! Keep that up i think.

Im also glad that you have found a way not to take responsibility for what he has done, as in no way is it your fault. He is flawed.

I used to date a policeman. I can't imagine one of them getting free hugs!

Thanks. It was an ok day yesterday... But it's one good / One bad day at the moment and today isn't so good. Didn't sleep well due to tooth ache.

putitonthelist yoga lady looks same age as me .. I'm
43 .. Shes Prob 40 ish? , he's 44 next week. He met her at sprit camp on aug 20th - BUT they have known each other in a previous life (so that's ok then).

I didn't respond to his email but there's only been one in 4 weeks. I have been totally forgotten and left behind. Trying hard not to feel humiliated and embarrassed. He's not impressed that I contacted a third party to exchange keys but that's more because he's had to have a difficult conversation in the street with his friend who I expect told him I was a little upset.

Urgh.. What a twat. Still a bloody handsome man but seriously screwed up, easily led, deluded, wishy washy and cruel man. What a waste.

Remember the breakthrough you had in counselling, Its hard for him to have to have conversations with real people because him and yoga lady will be on a different spiritual plane than the rest of us mortals and we won't understand

Let him out of your brain today - focus focus on you and your day.
Don't give him the control he wants over your life. It isn't his it is yours. Lets not think of today as a bad day -its only just started- lets all choose to have a good one

Hmm thanks cjel. I read your post..,but he doesn't want control over my life. He couldn't care less.. I' m locked away in one of his many boxes now. Gone. And I can see them
Both sat cuddled up on the train to London (we never went on a train together) and how excited he would be at the prospect. I know it's a load of bull shit but still hurts.

Anyway.... Yeah.. He thinks he's 'different' now

Keys and stuff dumped. My lovely friend came with me. My EXP hadn't returned my keys to the 3rd party despite having a weeks notice. Poor 3rd party had to call round and say she's coming in 10 minutes. Anyway just keys and nothing else returned to me. That's that all done and closed. 3rd party friend was lovely though. Bless him. It's been a shit day.

Giving your hand a squeeze OP. I know how hard it is.

I put everything that he had bought me in a white plastic bag and literally threw it at him. I wish I hadn't now. I wish I'd just thrown it in the bin. I didn't have anything of his, just CDs, DVDs and presents that he'd bought for me - really thoughful gifts. It's hard to understand how someone can change overnight, as if a light has been switched off. I saw him again the other day and he looked like shit. I know he isn't happy, he threw away his chance of happiness and a few months ago I would have welcomed him back with open arms, but not now.

Now I feel indifferent and one day you will too x

On the sofa crying...,

Thanks for your post. So, you gave him his thoughtful presents back... Must have been hard seeing him . I can understand you throwing it at him. , Some things I have kept coz the kids would notice they were gone .. Also my counsellor told me not to cut my nose off to spite my face. .. Which I could easily do coz I don't feel good about myself . I gave him back things I loved.. My favourite underwear.. Books , framed photo of us kissing... Just so he can have the friggin inconvenience of doing something with it. I know him, he will smell the knickers!!!!

He could see from his window yet couldn't be arsed to come out and be a grown up.

I'm glad I looked at FB last night and saw them both in London doing ' spiritual' stuff. Makes me realise I no longer know that person.

So you saw your ex and he looked like shit? Did he speak to you? Our paths won't cross, will never see him again. Prob for the best.

A set of keys... All I have to show for 4 years of emotional f'ing hassle.

Hi - saw your post and really wanted to just say hi and to say that I am 2 and a half years on from where you are. Haven't been able to read all the responses so sorry if I am missing info...

My DH and I split in 2011 and it seems to me you are in the very very early stages of grief. I was still in major shock in your stage. I have since gone through every stage you can imagine and back again. Sobbing, anger, wanting to kill myself, feeling like I dont need him, wanting to kill him, being glad he is gone, more sobbing and feeling that my life is over.

I get stronger every month and it is a very gradual process. Found some photos today and had a bit of a cry. All the contact made it harder for me. Cutting ties does make it easier but is very hard to do in some circumstances.

Just wanted to say don't expect too much too soon. You don't bounce back in a few weeks when you have been in love with someone. If you do bounce back then it wasn't love in my opinion.

I think trying to be friends just keeps opening the wound.

You will be fine but you have to go through all the shit first I'm afraid.

No, it doesn't sound like he is the person that you knew anymore. So he has known her for just 2 months? He really is rather pathetic isn't he? I wouldn't be so sure that you won't see him again.

I went NC in July. I put a plan into place where I wouldn't see him. But of course the best laid plans!! After 3 months I saw him, he saw me, so I turned round and walked the other way, I didn't know what else to do. Seeing him wasn't as hard as I thought it would be. He didn't look great, he looked like he had aged and looked a bit scruffy. I had built it up in my head I think. Then I saw him again and he attempted to speak to me but I completey blanked him. He has made his decision. Nothing I say or do can change that. I realised that I just have nothing left to say to him anymore and I have no interest in anything he has to say to me, I can't believe a word out of his mouth anyway. It's taken 8 months to get to this stage - from total gut-wrenching heartbreak to total apathy. I never thought it would happen.

I've not had counselling or gone on AD's I've just read lots of books and had amazing support from my RL friends. Some days I didn't want to be here anymore. That sounds so ridiculous now! That I would put a man like him above my beautiful DC. So I guess I finally fell out of love with him. Stay strong, stay busy, talk to your friends, to us, keep going, treat yourself and believe that you deserve so much better x

Just had a little cry on the sofa myself, big family 'do' OW will be there and not me or my dcs and dgs.

Better now over it
TV on lovely day to look forward to tomorrow. How a re you now RandB?x

Thanks you lovely ladies. It's much appreciated, you know. daisy I loved him so much, still bloody do . Thanks for posting.

putitonthelist please don't say i might see him again. It sends me doolally .. I have to keep thinking 'that's it. Over'

cjel so sorry that you had to miss the do..,,how crappy for you. Hope your cry let it all go and you have a good day tomorrow. Roger, over and out.

Hi, i have been following your post for the last few days,your story is so similar to mine. I found out he had been seeing a former schoolfreind after finding the hotel booking on my daughters laptop,he had left his email open by accident,Had told me that night he had had too much too drink and gone to a mates,We have been together 16 years and have two daughters 15 and 9years old. He is in a travel lodge at the moment ,still seeing her and coming back to the family home to get clothes and see the kids,he says he wants her and is basically reliving his youth,trendy clothes,going clubbing with her etc. I meanwhile have been blindsided,i had no idea anything was wrong and have gone through pain,anger,crying,getting drunk,pleading,more anger, my emotions are all over the place and just imagining them together is agony,it has only been three weeks but i just want the pain to go away.Daughters are confused and sad.:(

So sorry babycow how awful for you.

Why don't you start your own thread, you will get lots of support. Hope you are getting lots of suppot in RL x

babycow 3 weeks is just hard hard work..I hope you ok right now.. You were together for a long time and the blindsiding treatment is just horrific. I'm pretty shit at advice but just want to say I feel for you. Soooo many people here that have Been through similar pain . It's simply heartbreaking reading.. But we are here for you. Bit of hand holding can mean a lot in dark moments.

6 weeks on from being dumped by my lovely exp.. Today is the day I take the kids glamping and the weather is horrific.. Exp was coming with us.. Booked his leave .. I only organised this hol because of him... Last year me and my Dc's went abroad and missed his birthday (this coming Saturday) so I booked glamping instead (not cheap but i paid) so we could be here for his birthday and he loves the outdoor thing .. I'm not so keen and now I have to run this f'ing trip and everyone's looking to me and I'm so fed up... FFS ... And it's his birthday soon.. And he would have seen me dropping his keys/stuff on Saturday at his friends house as it across the road... But nothing.. I've been blanked out..still so incredibly upset...

Hello RandB, Hope your dcs have settled to the idea of glamping and the gales and rain have stopped for you. Is it a posh as I've heard?

Helo R&B I hope your day improved

I hate outdoorsy things but I went glamping with the dc earlier this year and it was great had a proper bed, heating, light, plug socket and own toilet so it's really not slumming it to much. It will be good to get away OP.

I think if you can manage to take your child/children on holiday when going through this and keep it all together then you can pretty much manage anything :)

Poo..all i keep thinking is 'he would love this'

Sat on my own last night ... Candles and lamps... Owls hooting to each other... My feet in front of a hot stove.. Sobbing .. He LOVES this sort of thing.., countryside and woods ... where the fuck has ' spirit world ' interest come from.. . This is him.., I would have crumbled and texted him 'you would love this' but no signal....

Well thank God for no signal then. I have regretted so many texts that I have sent. His interest in the spiritual is probably non-existent. It is his interest in her that makes the spiritual stuff seem interesting. Anything this new woman does will have appeal. Until the appeal wears off - which it will in due course.
It could just as well have been an interest in pottery, or tight-rope walking or macrame. It is the newness of the affair that is exciting to him. But newness can never last.

Phew! Close shave!

YBeadboy would probably say something all woo like "You had no signal because the universe was trying to tell you something!" or some other shit

Glad you didn't text. I have often regretted sending a text. Never regretted NOT sending one