How long does it take to 'get over' and how to immunise myself ?

[redundantandbitter]

So, it's been nearly 4 weeks since being dumped for yoga lady. Bloody hard, long days and crap sleepless nights. Body is falling apart . He has done this previously (2.5 yrs ago) but returned 5 weeks later. We are NC but am panicking at the thought of him tipping up again with his "hi honey, how are you?" emails. I lurk here to distract myself and there's lots of good advice but I still feel weak and confused and like there is more to come . I only say this as I know his behaviour patterns. Last time we spoke was weeks ago and he said see you in a couple of weeks . Not sure why? Argh. In addition, Has anyone truly honestly stayed 'friends' with an ex? (Apart from Simon Cowell).

Yes I've been there. My relationship took 5 months to end while he messed me around and trashed my heart before I found out the horrible truth about him and cut it off forever.

I cried for weeks. Months. One of my friends drove 100 miles to me in the middle of the night after being so concerned about me after I wailed down the phone. Another had to remind me to breathe because I just didn't know which way was up. I drank myself to oblivion. Didn't leave the house for days and days on end. I honestly believed life was over. That I would never be happy again. I had a pain in my chest and a feeling like I had swallowed a big stone and it was stuck in my throat so I couldn't eat. Every part of my body hurt. Even my bones ached. I felt broken. It was the most utterly shit time of my life and I look back now in amazement that I got through it.

That was 10 months ago and I still have bad days. In fact I cried in the car earier when one of "our" songs came on the radio and I still mourn for the man I adored and the happy happy 5 years we had together.

But I did get through it. I am happy again. Happier in fact. And you will do it too. Time will help. And so will your kids and friends and family and your job. They will bring you back to life.

Jesus that sounds f'king awful . I hate to think there is a whole world of people out there in such intense emotional pain through no fault of their own, just because their other half couldn't talk to them properly about issues and disappeared into the ether. Ok, ok, I was the other woman. For that i apologise sincerely. I never did half the things that people talk about on here. I was a stupid daft lump who swallowed a lot of her own pride and self esteem to 'look after' this man who professed to love her (and loved her 25 yrs ago) . Who thought she was his future and was working hard to keep It all together sacrificing left right and centre. He took and took and took. Nowt left of me now.

I completely understand the stone in your throat and inability to eat. It's horrific. I'm sorry you were in this place too.

other posters talk about the EXP's getting their karma 'just desserts' but he's not in touch with me, we won't cross paths so he'll never know if I'm thriving or dead. He thinks he's being 'kind' by letting me go before there's too much of an 'overlap' but I'm so hurt by the lack of discussion. A problem? Right, lets sort. .. But no. It's a case of 'could you fuck off in a quiet dignified way so I can get spiritual with yoga lady please'. Yeah, sure.....

If its not tmi he wouldn't let me get out of bed after a lovely'lie in' the morning I moved out. We had sex, I went to college and he went to get the van to move me to my new place?!!!!
BUT> I am happier and you will be tooxx

Blimey... Yeah, that's just crazy isn't it? Tell me you found someone who's lovely and kind?

Op I didn't write that for sympathy or a medal (in fact I wish it hadn't, it made me so sad for the myself of last year) but to show you that other people have been in the put of despair and have clawed their way out. To show you that you will too. To give you hope.

All you need to do now is keep breathing. Keep putting one foot in front of the other until it starts to feel better. It will. Stop beating yourself up and just get through this.

When it's over you will be so proud of yourself that you acted with dignity. That you survived this awful time and that you have come out the other side.

For now, just be kinder to yourself and trust your own strength

And fwiw if I was your friend I would come round, force you into your glad rags (or at least out of your PJs) and take you out on the lash!

I had 35years of being with someone( not always lovely and kind!!) and have enjoyed the last 2 years moving and doing up my house, finding out who I am, not being wife, mum nannie etc. I am not ready to look for anyone else yet but I am the happiest I've ever been, busy doing things I love and have some wonderful new friends so another man isn't on my radar yet BUT he would have to be really special for me to want to change my life - although I do miss the sex!!

I have met a man. I'm being cautious and taking it slow but I can safely say he is the kindest man I ever met. And I can tell you something, kind is just what I need and want :-)

bit I'm sorry , I didn't mean for you to dredge up your past year. You do sound past it though and inspirational and happy too. I guess I know I will scrape through, I will survive (!) etc, but I want to be happy, to sparkle, to have people notice that I glow and that's what it was like with him, to chat and laugh and share special dates and cook and walk around naked - feeling SOOO gorgeous. I know at least 10 nice single mums .. Good people, attractive, funny, hard working and ploughing on regardless , taking care of themselves and their kids types... I thought I had something, I really did. I felt lucky .

Oooh bit it's lovely to hear there are kind people out there... Men .. Not just the MN females . I'm 43 with two DDs. I didn't look for him, you know, he found me, chased me , dangled and toyed with me. I was low and i should have said no, but truly I wAs a stupid cow.

cjel 35 yes is a long time .., good to hear you are doing lots of things though. Yes.. Sex... I only just discovered my sex life with him. Feel very hacked off that he's taken it away. Grrrr

WEll he's reverted to type then hasn't he? Finding a woman who wants to feel cherished and honing in on her. He's a predator. Think of her as his next prey

Mine was the restless type as well. He will never be satusfied. Never be happy and settled. And I know for a fact that he will never find anyone who will love him even half as much as I did. Or anyone so goddam fabulous

I know what you mean about missing that casual intimacy with someone. At my lowest I used to look at couples walking along hand-in-hand,all loved up and I used to SEETHE! I was convinced that I would never feel that relaxed with anyone ever again. Convinced that noone would ever love me again. That I must be totally unlovable because I had given him my all. Everything. And it hadn't been enough.

Now I am starting to really believe (not just pay lip service) that the problem lay with him. That I can feel proud that I truly loved someone and gave it my all. And to pity him and his constant restlessness.

Sorry that turned into a bit of a stream of consciousness. I'm having a wistful day but I know that a good night's sleep and wine will see me right tomorrow

Ok.., deep breaths. He just emailed me. I asked a friend of his if I could drop some of his possessions (house keys and presents i can no longer bear to look at) with said friend and friend said he would ask him for my keys back . To be collected this weekend. This is all to avoid direct contact . But now his friend has talked to him EXP has emailed me directly asking what I am returning, have I got his railcard and I don't need to go through 'friend' unless I really want to. Well I wouldn't have f**cking bothered if I didn't WANT to would I?

He has asked me not to return all the cards he sent me (with poems and lovely things written in them) and says I should put them in a box in the loft... I guess that's what he's done with mine. Or the bin.

I haven't and won't respond . I called the 'friend' and apologised for him being caught in the middle . He's going to get the keys. He was so lovely and kind . Of course I'm in floods.

bitoutofpractice your words are my words exactly.

Hes so considerate isn't he, he is thinking of you that you don't have to go through friend if you don't want to because hes such a lovely reasonable man?

Let your tears end and get a good sleep. and well done for ignoring - keep it upxxx

I can feel the panic in his words... He ends email with "big breath out" .., like he is blurting... Like he can't speak to me. Me? , his friend and bloody No1 supporter... Why can't he communicate like a normal
Human being ... Might have had a chance if the railcard..
Not now. Fed up

OP put his stuff in a bag and bin it. Give friend his keys and block him, you don't need to talk to him whenever he feels like talking to you. Why should you be having a good day (hypothetically) and he emails willy nilly and gets to fuck your day up.

Bin his shit rip it tear it burn it throw it off a bridge, fuck him.

I need to return keys coz I want mine! And going through friend was a sensible 'no contact' option I thought. Wasn't expecting him to email. It's been 4 weeks and heard f**k all - he doesn't WANT to contact me. I am returning stuff coz a) it hurts to see the things that were presents to me from me and b) it'll be an inconvenience for him as he only has a small house and he'll have to decide what to go with it all.

I don't know what to do with all the cards .. Birthday anniversaries... I have them here in a pile on my bedside table. Torn between keeping them (not sure why?) and ripping each one up into tiny pieces and returning with keys. Poo

Must admit I haven't thrown my cards/wedding presents etc out yet, Boxed in the loft - who knows what I'll do with them? I did think maybe dcs and dgs would maybe want to see them in years to come as they are their family history.
I'd be tempted to block him if I were you.

He wants to be able to think of you "his lost love" pinning away with his letters in her loft. So on some special days, you Anniversary perhaps, you get them out and re-read them with a little smile on your face. He probably would like/thinks his exW does the same.

I'd return them dumped in a carrier bag, along with everything else. The sooner you get rid of that stuff the quicker you will get over him.

RandB I have been reading your posts over the last month and am sorry you are feeling so much pain. Your ExP sounds like a totally selfish person but I understand how much you are missing him and the physical contact.

One thing strikes me. You left your previous relationship and fell into a very passionate new one straight away and invested all your hopes and dreams into it. Now it has ended so abruptly you have not only the end of this relationship but the pain of ending your previous one to process. The added burden of knowing you left one man for another who had feet of clay. Regret and remorse maybe.

You have a lot of coming to terms to do here. Be kind to yourself. If Relate is upsetting you maybe another type of therapy would be more healing?

Wishing you peace

Email him askin him to return your keys to friend or post them signed delivery so they don't get lost. If he cannot do that within the week change your locks and then you won't give a shit about your old keys.

Send off his keys and box up stuff you don't want, if you can't bare to throw stuff out put in in shed/attic/friends house or dump on his doorstep.

I personally feel better when I'm in control of the situation, I would choose to never speak to this fuck wit again and flush him out your head. You won't get him out your head with keys needing to be returned and his stuff laying about though.

I'm returning keys and stuff tomorrow . His friend can let him know. I'm certainly not contacting him . Arse. Cards can stay in loft for now . I think ... Maybe.

Really illuminating session at Relate today. Talked about how he admits to compartmentalising - lots of boxes with different things/people in. Counsellor says when everything is boxes he will get a high or fix with each box. But we have settled and grown closer in the past 6 months and his 'boxes' have started to merge. I am now threaded through too many boxes and he's not getting his fix of stress highs. But yoga lady presents a new box where he can pretend to be someone else. Get his stress high. Hence his feeling of euphoria and excitement. He freely admits I know him better than anyone but that's the crux. He wants to present an allusive persona. Whatever. You might think its bollocks but its helped my mind shift away from 'what did / didn't I do?'.

She says his approach to spiritualism and mindfulness is 'smelly' (academic term?) and he's just talking the talk . You ain't never going to 'get' spiritual by hanging out with yoga lady . Bloody berk!

Op I didn't really understand your last post but suspect it boils down to what I said about him never being happy or satisfied or settled.

Anyway, let's cut to the chase. You know and I know and he knows that the keys / other shit is just a last gasp way of keeping contact with him. Any contact. I'm not blaming you. I've done the same. But lets not kid ourselves that that is what it is.

It's really really painful but you have to let it go. Let it all go. If the presents he gave you are too painful then bin them. Or eBay them. He doesn't need them back. It's just an excuse to be in contact with him

Hmm dunno. . If I wanted contact I would have arranged to see him directly... I tried to organise the key returning via his friend so that I could get my key back( and return things I can't look at) in a quiet way (avoiding him and his drama). - and i get a little control . it ended up with him sending an email last night. i don't want his crappy emails actually. i didn't reply. Admittedly I want him to have the inconvenience of having a pile of stuff that will need sorting. I don't want it though. And I get to say hello to his mate who I doubt I will see again.

Yeah I appreciate the above post is a bit waffly but its taken 4 sessions for the counsellor to get to grips with his personality and somehow today she hit the nail on the head. I feel SO different. It's like I have permission to say 'its you, not me!'. He had something good but it's his loss. I have turned a corner. Hope I still feel like this tomorrow.