How long does it take to 'get over' and how to immunise myself ?

[redundantandbitter]

So, it's been nearly 4 weeks since being dumped for yoga lady. Bloody hard, long days and crap sleepless nights. Body is falling apart . He has done this previously (2.5 yrs ago) but returned 5 weeks later. We are NC but am panicking at the thought of him tipping up again with his "hi honey, how are you?" emails. I lurk here to distract myself and there's lots of good advice but I still feel weak and confused and like there is more to come . I only say this as I know his behaviour patterns. Last time we spoke was weeks ago and he said see you in a couple of weeks . Not sure why? Argh. In addition, Has anyone truly honestly stayed 'friends' with an ex? (Apart from Simon Cowell).

you have to stop thinking in this self destructive way i feel cruel to say this but am saying it to try to make you think of yourself. At this point in time he doesn't care if you''re crying or not. He is probably not even thinking of you at all.
He didn't do this to you, he has just done what he wants. It is not against you per se
When you were the OW you didn't do anything against his wife did you? It was just that you wanted to do what you wanted - this is not an attack just an observation to help you see it is not against you!
That doesn't mean you are worthless - do your children think you are worthless or your friends and family - of course not!!!
Stop thinking about his motivation for leaving it won't make sense now and try to look after yourself.
This pain will go away, try to calm down and stay busy.
Can you get into a counsellor or someone to talk to?
You are not worthless - you are amazing!!

Oh OP please don't do that to yourself. You are not the tiniest bit shit - he is the shit! It is still early days. Your in shock and going through a grieving process. Being dumped is horrible and of course it's going to have a massive effect on your self esteem but in time when your head is clearer you will realise it's not you, it really is him.

I am 8 months on from being dumped. The first 4/5 months were just awful, I don't know how I functioned some days. I have now been 3 months NC and it's really helped. Try and keep busy, throw yourself into other things, talk to RL friends. One day you will look back and wonder why on earth you wasted any tears on this man. You said he's done it before and then realised that the grass wasn't greener. If this happens again I really hope you'll tell him where to get off.

So sorry you're feeling down OP, it will take time (((hugs))) x

I am going to counselling . Seeing her again o Friday. It does help But I know soon she is going to say 'enough of him' and I'm not at the point where I can just put him away in a drawer marked 'stupid mistake' . I was a stupid OW. I did whatever he asked me to. Come over, go away, wait, don't wait. He talks in riddles and waffles on. I didn't know where I was from one day to the next. Headless chicken. It was so crap - I can't believe I went through all that. Then it settles and becomes more civilised and that's not enough. Ok for the rest of the population but not him. I deserved so much better after all I gave him, sacrificed . And if my pain is horrendous then his EXW must have been so much more. I know life goes on - it drags me along - but the humiliation and loneliness is awful. I felt so happy and attractive and loved, I have never felt desired but he adored me. Sorry to go on .

Thanks hun, he did it before when he decided to 'stay with wife/duty/kids' which is awful to think you are someone's duty ?? I hated the way he Spoke about other peoples feelings. He listens to his own - but no one else's.

He got back in touch when he realised it was going to take a mammoth amount of effort from his side and he just wasn't willing to go there. She actually kicked him out - good on her - he may have stayed dragging it out for years.

But this time it's easier to fuck me over and skip into the distance with a shiny new fresh face. Urgh. I feel sick . He will have doesn't a lot of time on his own recently and I might have crossed his mind. I say I am NC but really he hasn't been in touch - 3 weeks since his last email 'hi honey, how are you?' . WTF?

Don't be sorry, that's what we're here for. The thing is when your the OW and he chooses you, you think you're THE ONE - that's probably what his EXW believed too. You probably believed that things were never that good between him and is wife, he probably made you believe this (sorry a bit of assumption here) and it was you who was his real soulmate. He is a narcissist.

Have you written things down? I started a journal and have written lots of letters to him, the OW, just things in general. Also uplifting quotes about moving on etc. And if you still need to talk to the counsellor about him then do so, your the one paying for the service.

Narcissist? I have heard this a few times. I will have to write something to him. I bought a card that makes fun of his bald patch (made me chuckle) and I will leave it with his things that I am dropping at a friends next weekend , for him to collect at his leisure. I was going to write something simple like ' I loved you, but you're not that person anymore. You're a stranger and I deserve better' . Is that pants? I lurch from day to day so
Should feel differently tomorrow.. I hope so

Honestly OP? I wouldn't give him the satisfaction of a note or the card (although I completely understand why you want to do this) just drop off his stuff. Everything I have written down has been for my eyes only. I have written some hateful things and then shredded them. I would never give him the satisfaction of knowing how much he hurt me and how much he occupied my thoughts. You will be a little stronger every day x

Ok, I wasn't going to tell him anything about me or how hurt I am. Just making a point that he doesn't deserve me, or I deserve better etc. Obviously I don't even believe it myself, I've lost count of the posters on here that say they have met someone more wonderful and lovely but I just won't entertain the thought of another man in my life. I'm
Just too naive and trusting. So i'm looking at a future alone and that's what hurts. We went on a real journey with our sex life and I miss that part terribly. Plus my kids found him excellent company and still chatter about him. He's never once asked about them. I want to poke his eyes out with a pointy stick.

Hi, OP. I am sorry its so hard at the moment.
To answer the thread title question .... I was told that it takes about a month for every year you were in the relationship - and I would probably concur with that. Certainly I turned some sort of corner after the three year mark.

Which is not to say that you won't become a functioning human being much sooner than that!! Simply that it probably takes that long to stop thinking about it at some point each day, and (for me) to not have his voice in my head whenever I needed to make a choice or decision.

I totally understand the "never trust again" attitude, and my best suggestion is that you don't even bother thinking about that side of things for a while. Certainly stating that viewpoint to friends always results in a deluge of advice on how mistaken you are. Which is no fun.
The aftermath of a break-up is not the time to think about getting into another relationship anyway - first you have to learn to live with yourself again, because we are never the same people that we were before.

I have only one piece of actual advice: don't send the card off with his things! it is engaging with him, even though indirect. Do not engage at all. In any way. Don't answer emails, don't respond to texts or comments on FB designed to enrage you into engaging.
It is the ONLY way to stay free. And heal.

You are stronger than you feel. Make the most of RL life support - and brain dump safely here

Ok. I won't send it. There is nothing to engage with. He's sent nothing since 3 weeks ago, I've done nothing since u last saw him 4 weeks ago. He's not even trying to engage with me. He couldn't care less. Out with the old and all that. I expect his EXW to be in touch more than he will. She will want to gloat/talk/create some sort of drama coz she wont be able yo reach shiny new yoga lady. She will give him a f**cking hard time for me. fHe knows he's done wrong and he'll be too ashamed to contact me. Sorry again, I am listening I promise

I wouldn't give him the satisfaction of getting in touch in any way. It would just feed into his massive over inflated pretentious ego.

Is that what he is? A massive overinflated pretentious ego? A narcissist? Is that it? the man I spent years loving to bits. It appears now that I have been loving a 'type' and not a person. That hurts. So what does that make me?

I'm sorry OP but the harsh reality is that you ended up with a man who lied and cheated to his wife while he was having an affair with you. So basically you got a liar and a cheat.

I am not judging you btw but unfortunately for you (and his EXW) this is what he is.

But that's what I am too then. Except I wouldn't EVER to that again. Why have I learnt but he hasn't . We always talked about this in an open way. What shit we'd done, grief we'd caused, mess and upset. But it was always followed with the sentiment that we were honest with each other . I know two wrongs don't make a right but I guess we always thought that something could rise from the ashes. Now I feel like a total twat

This is why I called him a narcissist OP. It's all about him. He obviously loves the attention and the drama of it all. He hasn't learnt anything because he is devoid of empathy.

I understand how you must be feeling right now and I really feel for you. All the grief and upset you went through and for what? He is obviously a repeat offender so I wouldn't expect this new relationship to last either.

putitonthelist thanks so much for your support. It can't be easy giving advice out to the likes of me. I do tell myself that this next relationship won't last. I know it's a petty thing to do but it helps me in dark moments. I hope too, that she is a savvy chick and sees through the handsome exterior and glimpses the shallow interior faster than I did. But for now they will be skipping about ... She knows about me and what we went through.. How does she feel about being his 3 rd woman in 4 years. I feel a bit dirty and used. All this talk of STI checks etc. it's completely f**king depressing. So unhappy.

The likes of you? OP I am you! This was my exact situation 8 months ago so I really do understand.

I am just further down the line so cam look at things more objectively. I went through utter turmoil, told myself I got what I deserved after what we did but he had got off scot free again. But he hasn't. He will be a lonely old man, will have trust issues in all subsequent relationships and when his children are older they will know what kind of man he is.

I felt dirty and used, went through STI checks - it was a lesson learnt. A very harsh one! I actually saw him the other day and felt nothing, it was massive progress for me and you will get there too x

Ok op I'm going to get stern. Thus us not about you or your imagined shortcomings. You could be Claudia Schiffer crossed with Einstein with the social life of Paris Hilton and he would still not be satisfied. Men like this are never satisfied. They are always looking for the next thing. I'm my case it was a Russian tart 15 years younger than us. Next time it'll be something different.

It's not you. It's him. He is the shallow wanker. You are are wonderful, sexy, intelligent, caring woman. It's just he wasn't man enough to realise what he had.

And having just read back...no! Do not send that card. Trust me. It will not have the effect you want (which I suspect is to mans him want you back). It'll just make you look slightly unhinged. Don't do it.

Remember: the best answer is no answer

putitonthelist thank you for your honesty , I always feel like a second class poster on MN , though everyone is genuine and supportive, it's just I will always feel shit about my history with him. So, you have been there and done that. You poor love. It's horrible horrible pain. I have tried to support an OW on MN but have such a crappy few days I can't even help her. Can't believe you saw him recently. That would be weird. I recently thought I would have to go to his place of work (police station) with my volunteer job but managed to go to an alternative place. Proper freaked me out as I knew he was on duty.

bitoutofpractice thanks for your words. Actually it helps to think that he's not doing it to me - he's going ahead with what he wants. It's a subtle but important mental shift. Him not me. Him not me.

Do you think in a parallel universe there's a DADSNET where he's posting about me being dull and boring and loads of others dads are saying 'you dodged a bullet' ?

The card idea wasn't to make him want me back - it was to take the piss out of his bald patch. MASSIVE Achilles heel . But I will resist. I promise

Hope you are okay r&b. Your PM's got me through some very dark days of late and I can't thank you enough. You are going to be fine. For us both it will take time but there are plenty of posters on MN who can testify to the fact that we WILL get there. KEEP GOING.

Hey fuckedup thanks, I'll live .. Which is as
Much as I can manage right now. Hug to you, you must be feeling fed up too. Night x

Hi OP - just wondered how you are doing?

Ah thanks . It's a bad day, less bad day pattern at the moment. Today was terrible til Lunchtime. Spent the morning at work thinking I should phone in sick tomorrow (something I have never done) and spend 2 days on sofa.

Can't geT an app at the docs til 1st nov but will try for an emergency app tomorrow. I don't even know what to say to the doc as I am worried I won't be able to function with the Dc's if I take medication. I am totally wrecked. Tears . I feel a fraud as I'm not a wife and we didn't live together but the things we have been through !! And my future with him has gone up in smoke. All this talk of STI checks is just horrible. He knows I am soft and naive and I though I say I am NC the truth is he hasn't even tried to contact me for 3 weeks...and other posters say things like 'he's not eve thinking about you'. So utterly miserable. Sorry, bet you wish you hadn't asked now.