How long does it take to 'get over' and how to immunise myself ?

[redundantandbitter]

So, it's been nearly 4 weeks since being dumped for yoga lady. Bloody hard, long days and crap sleepless nights. Body is falling apart . He has done this previously (2.5 yrs ago) but returned 5 weeks later. We are NC but am panicking at the thought of him tipping up again with his "hi honey, how are you?" emails. I lurk here to distract myself and there's lots of good advice but I still feel weak and confused and like there is more to come . I only say this as I know his behaviour patterns. Last time we spoke was weeks ago and he said see you in a couple of weeks . Not sure why? Argh. In addition, Has anyone truly honestly stayed 'friends' with an ex? (Apart from Simon Cowell).

I think you are doing alright as you are and you will know when you want to increase (or decrease) the dose. counselling is amazing I'd recommend it every time!! have you looked for a charity that offers counselling? When things were a bit tough for me I was only paying a pound a session as they won't turn anyone away on cost? may be worth asking?x

I assembled leaf blower and then it was a bit cold so I put it in the garage and haven't used it yet!! Hoping to a the weekend of the leaves can dry out a bit more.
Hows work going?xx

Here's hoping you get to use your leaf blower!

Work is ok- I arrived at work this morning and a photographer was literally taking my cost off me and dragging me round the office to photograph me for the company magazine (new project I'm involved with - not that exciting) Not very embarrassing much!! Cue me standing in a very 'catalogue' pose with a letter. Urgh. Anyway it'a a change. Night all x

Ha,Ha, your life sounds more exciting than mine!! Photographer against leaf blower!!!x

Hmm bet the photo is horrendous!

Counselling was a bit grim. I want up be there but not sure what I have to say. Still hurt and upset , obviously. She mentioned, almost in passing at the end of the session, something along the lines of taking responsibility for my actions. Hmm need to explore that next week. Hope you have a nice time with your friend - eat some cake for me!

Hi R&B. I think you do need to explore that?? Hope you're ok x Any nice plans for the weekend?

My head is all over the place. I had an amazing ONS on Saturday night (first time ever). He was lovely and I got enough details off him to find him on Facebook. I now keep looking at his profile - FGS what's wrong with me? I have no intention of contacting him, he's 15 years younger than me for a start!

But the worst thing is that I bumped into my ex at the school disco pick up last night. Despite telling him to leave me alone he cornered me (I had no choice but to speak to him because my DS was with me) and he was chatting, smiling and joking with me like we're the best of friends!! I was just about civil. I texted him when I got home and told me I don't want to speak to him ever again and to stay away from me. He's not replied. I feel more angry that upset. How dare he chat away to me as though every thing is fine and dandy?? I guess I'm not so indifferent after all

What on earth does your counsellor mean by that??

Oh put what a weekend !! A ONS and everything... Eek. Step away from FB.. Put the phone down...

Your ex is a cheeky git. How cruel of him to corner you knowing you have to be civil. Very cruel indeed. It gives you insight into how he thinks of you ... Does he really think you're just 'fine and cool'?

cjel - well we were discussing the fact that he's done this to me before , the circs surrounded that and how / why I let him back into my life when I was seriously f'ed off with him. It's all a bit academic now. Though I could apologies to EXW but told my self I would only do that if she contacted me.

Think me and what are having a bleak Friday . Grrr

Oh It doesn't sound so bad put like that, I thought it was because the counsellor thought you had done something wrong to him!!
Another one here with an empty diary this weekend!!

Hello friends!

put when I read that I am grateful that I have no idea what country my ex even lives in now and I have no chance of ever seeing him again even though sometimes the thought of never ever seeing him again makes my heart contract in my chest

I have nothing on this weekend either. For which I am grateful. Just me and the DC No bf to disturb us!

Have a lovely time BOOP , I will be spending the day Xmas shopping in a hellish mall , but need to start somewhere and it's something I wouldn't normally do. Them presents won't buy themselves.

what I understand your lurking. I know you're keeping a financial eye on things but now youve found out what he's buying- that can't help can it?

I was STUPIDLY looking at yoga lady's FB page tonight on my phone.., scrolling down too fast and making a cup of tea at the same time resulted in me pressing the friend request button. Jesus I freaked and 'undid' ASAP. Stupid stupid stupid. So I know how easy it is. Don't go there - you're doing better than me with FB.

Oh fuck!!

I have done the obsessive FB stuff. More than I am prepared to admit. It's like a drug. But my love, no good will come of it. I won't tell you to stop because you'll only stop when you're ready.

Big love to you xx

I posted ... But appears to have gone astray.

BOOP (may I call you Betty?) . You are right, I'm bored, I miss him. No good comes of FB. There's a massive hole where his communications used to be and struggling to fill it.

I dreamt last night that he was seeing a 22 yr old foreign student in London. I went to see him and rifled through his things, tore up letters. I physically hit and slapped him. I threw a cup of tea at the wall and smashed it everywhere. He silently held the door open for me and rolled his eyes.

Think my subconscious is trying to tell me something. What a complete and utter bastard. It screws me up . Please take a ticket and form an orderly queue to slap me!

No slapping from me OP, just sympathy...you seem to be fighting the pain of the break up, fighting the grieving and the loss, you are bitter and horrified in what you perceive as your "weakness" of not being able to shrug this / him off. Maybe you should just embrace your grief, allow yourself to feel however you feel minute by minute, day by day...you've suffered a massive loss and need TIME, TIME and more TIME to recover from this. Time to heal, time to reaquaint yourself with you as you have put so much ofbyourself into him over the last years, and you may find that in the end you reemerge like a beautiful butterfly from this cocoon of confusion and loneliness you're in at the moment...okay, that might have sounded a bit naff, but you know what I mean:) still holding your hand.

R&B - please step away from FB, it really won't help with your healing. I only looked up OW twice weeks ago and it nearly destroyed me. It's natural to look him/her up but please try and move on from FB at least.

The site I am checking is all because of the need to gather information for my future in terms of finances. It set me back but I need to know what he's buying as I know he'll lie in mediation.

Your vivid dreams could be increased by the ADs you're on, it can be a side effect and if he's on your mind before you sleep then it's bound to come out in your dreams.

Have you read Paul McKenna's, 'I can mend your broken heart'? There is also a CD in there that you can listen to before sleeping to help change your frame of mind. Just turn it off before the end because they count you out of your relaxation state and then you'll feel wide awake.

R&b I have a copy of I can mind your broken heart that I would be delighted to send you if you message me with your address

Thanks cakehappy , yes all all of the above. It's just not going away. I want it back how it was. Yes, pathetic and weak. I guess deep down I don't want up move on.

BOOP yes please, ANYTHING. God I feel like shit.

Ok, thanks

I don't know if it's any good because I never opened it! Friend bought it for me but I could never face reading it. I didn't want my heart mended. I just wanted him back!

Message me with your address. I promise I'm not an axe murderer!

Don't beat yourself up, You are non of those negative things you perceived yourself to be. What you are is a very sad woman who loves her ex and wants to feel the things you used to feel when you were with him. You would be heartless and cold if you weren't feeling crap about it.

I was lucky because 'they' aren't on FB (Yes I did look) but I understand that weird feeling of still wanting to be part of his life. There is a huge 'ex' shaped hole isn't there?

I hate to say this but it really does take time and you are so near to it still that it will be painful, but you aren't stupid and week.

That book sounds good, I always try and read affirming things in bed at night and again to get me up in the morning -they really help me.

What you got planned for the rest of the day?x

I haven't read the book yet but I know it does come highly recommended, by people on MN too. The CD is very good though and If you believe it will help you relax then it will help with your state of mind.

I've just sobbed most of the day. Shopping, in the car and now crying into my dinner. It's madness. I don't seem to have any control. It's controlling me.

And yes, I am a very sad woman and I do still love him. It's a huge loss, lots of reminders today when out shopping today. I went to the big shopping mall where we first met for coffee - 4 yrs ago on Monday. 4 years. I still don't understand

I'm with you R&B. Feel utterly shit today. Have cried under a duvet all day,just want the pain to stop.

I know it needs time time and more time but I just want to wake up one day and he not fill my every waking thought. And yes I am feeling utterly sorry for myself. I want to kick myself up the arse.

Hope you're doing ok tonight

schmoo you poor thing. The pain is just relentless, I hope you are out from under the duvet and maybe eaten something.

My mother has FINALLY gone back to her house for a couple of days so I can sit on my own sofa , with blanket and cry as loudly as I choose. What would our ex's say if they could see the extent of the damage? Hope you're ok?

I even went into a shop and sprayed his aftershave on me. So comforting and upsetting at the same time.

How many weeks have you been on the ADs? I do think it's them that are helping me, and my realisation that my DS will always need me and I need to show him that I am getting stronger. My friend was on the same ADs after her lovely DH passed away from cancer and she told me they really, really helped her get up and function.

Don't get me wrong, I have my bad days and after 11 years of total loving happiness and plans, I know that's natural.

Please try not to torture yourself by looking at FB and spraying his aftershave. My H left his aftershave here and I smelt it - once. I am surrounded by our memories, we bought everything together, were so close and as you know, I still have most of his clothes and belongings here. I have no choice but to be strong. They are not suffering, it's you. You do need to look after yourself.

Thanks what. It's almost 3 weeks on the a/d's. the side effects have lessoned but Having quite vivid dreams - Didnt know that could be a side effect til you mentioned it.

Massively set back today - Dont know why. So much crying my eyes are sore. How has your day been? Did you clean and get much done? How on earth do you manage with your h's things around you? I got rid of almost all his things ASAP. Sick of crying. Sick of complaining. Sick of NC.