How long does it take to 'get over' and how to immunise myself ?

[redundantandbitter]

So, it's been nearly 4 weeks since being dumped for yoga lady. Bloody hard, long days and crap sleepless nights. Body is falling apart . He has done this previously (2.5 yrs ago) but returned 5 weeks later. We are NC but am panicking at the thought of him tipping up again with his "hi honey, how are you?" emails. I lurk here to distract myself and there's lots of good advice but I still feel weak and confused and like there is more to come . I only say this as I know his behaviour patterns. Last time we spoke was weeks ago and he said see you in a couple of weeks . Not sure why? Argh. In addition, Has anyone truly honestly stayed 'friends' with an ex? (Apart from Simon Cowell).

If it helps, why don't you post the letter on here instead?

But R&B youre not still together. Sorry I know I'm being harsh and I hope I'm not upsetting you. The brutal truth is that your opinions and insights don't mean anything to him, aren't welcome and are not really any of your concern any more.

Can you imagine how fucked off you'd be if he sent you a letter now outlining all your faults and mistakes? You would rightly say "My foibles are no longer any of your business or concern! Butt out!" And that is what (sadly) is entitled to say to you

Please trust me. It will make you feel worse not better. It will not help you. It will make you cringe further along the line. And it will not have the desired effect on him Don't do it!!

I'm going to butt out now because I am worried I am going to overstep the mark.

Just one last thing. I thought I knew my ex better than anyone in the world. Knew him inside out. Everything about him and his personality. But clearly I didn't. I didn't know he was a liar and cheat. And I didn't know him well enough he'd been carrying on a double life for over a year.

Obviously you didn't know BeadBoy fully either .

Sorry, I am being brutal but I don't think we ever fully know anyone

So sorry you're feeling so down R&B. I think you've pretty much arrived at the anger stage.

I'm another one who is advising you not to send the letter. I sent a few emails when we first split up which I deeply regret now (regret the fact that he knew he was in my thoughts so much). Type it/write it by all means and when you've said all you've got to say shred it.

You know my story. I composed a letter too, before I sent it I had a coffee with his ex-wife. She had written him a letter when he left her for his OW. They had been married for 10 years and had 2 DC together. She poured her heart out in a 4 page letter and gave it to him. He never replied and has made no mention of it in the 10 years they have been apart. What a pig. He didn't even have the decency to answer any of her question after all that time. He wasn't interested in what she thought, he had moved on.

There will come a day when you don't think about him in any capacity - you're are doing well - just put one foot infront of the other and stay strong x

Just come back from a meeting - thanks for the replies. I know you've all been there. I appreciate your thoughts and experience.

It seems the general consensus is that I'm a bit angry and sending him a letter isn't a good idea. I honestly don't feel angry. I'm still at the sobbing 'we were in love - how could you ' blah blah blah stage. Not really an angry person, more a wallow on my pyjamas type (you may have noticed)

I'll draft it. I'll sit on it. Of course I'm still upset.

I'm 43 and poured myself into that relationship. I would rather be alone now than venture down that path again. I am so hurt. Sorry

I'm with the others, don't send that letter! Don't let him know he is still scratching around in your brain, it will just feed his ego. He won't care what you write:( he will just like the attention. Silence is golden, you will always be on the back foot as you were the last to make contact and you'll always wonder how it made him feel/ what he thought of what you wrote, ect... You just have to ride this out OP. Keep your dignity, you'll be so happy later on that you did.

Nooooo come on. It's a letter. I'm not sobbing on his front door step. Not bothered about being in the back foot etc. he's not arsed about silence coz it suits him. It's not about prodding him into contacting . He won't. That's fine .

This is about me saying stuff I want to get off my chest.

But I'll wait. I'll write it and hold . For now. I really don't see how i'll regret sending him a moment of uncomfortable reading. He might even bin it. Whatever. He's caused me enough sodding grief.

R&B - I can read that you are upset, I'm there too at times, 11 years for me and it's hard, I know that. I would just say that if you feel like sending it then just wait 24 hours. You might feel differently. Once it goes in the post box, it's done and you might regret it the next day or the next week.

Do you think the ADs are having any effect yet? Is it about 4 weeks that you've been on them?

How are your DDs?

R & B, I don't blame you for wanting to get things off your chest and yes writing a letter is a great way to 'let it out but pleeeease don't send it to him. He might do a number of hurtful things with it; ignore it, read it and then throw it straight in the bin without a second thought, read it with his new woman.
You WILL end up feeling even worse than you do now if you don't get a reaction from him!

He's a complete arsehole and the best thing you can do is get on with your life with your daughters.

By the way, I have met someone named Karma and she is a bit of a bitch. Sit back and watch her at work.

I don't want to upset you either but I always think of the worst outcome when I think of doing these things. For me, it would be that he sent it back to me re-addressed and unopened. Is that a possibility?

Are you okay? x

i am in a similar position and every bloody day i want to send emails or letters to my ex(now shacked up with younger slimmer lady).
DO NOT SEND HIM ANYTHING!!!!!!!
ANYTHING at ALL will just feed his ego..
Please keep your dignity,you have done so,so well up to now.
He won't take what you write remotely seriously ,all he'll think is "bless her shes really hurt and missing me and can't stop thinking about me...I must be so special".He will definitely chuck it in the bin.
Its not your job any more to be analysing him.
The only thing that will bother him is you looking happier and
contented without him.

Yeah, thanks what just fed up.

I don't care what he does with the letter - can stick it up his hairy a**e for all I care. Don't want a response. And he'd have to put another stamp on it to send it back and he won't be arsed. Too tight careful with his cash

You have no idea how much i want the karma thing to be true.

ellasmum is right, you have done so well especially since a few weeks ago when you handed his things back.

^The only thing that will bother him is you looking happier and
contented without him^

Can you concentrate on you? It made me feel a bit better just getting a different hairstyle, one that I wanted for years but my H would rather I had one like Jessie J (?)

R&b I hope I have proved throughout this thread that I have your best interests at heart. Your plight struck a chord with me and I truly do want what's best for you. Please don't send it. Listen to what these ladies say. I promise you we are right.

Please don't think I don't appreciate what pain you're in. Every time I read what you say it reminds me very painfully of how it feels. I will never forget. But when you are in the midst of it you don't think clearly.

Don't send the letter.

No offence, and you're all being very patient, but he'll never see me to be bothered about me looking happier and contented. He couldn't care less, he's made that clear with his stupid emails asking if I have his bloody railcard.

Honestly , I could be dead for all he knows/cares.

I only wanted to get stuff out of my head and hand it over to him. It's his choice even to open the letter or not.

I spent too long in two VERY different relationships not feeling able to express myself. Now both of them have got other shiny partners and one letter ain't going to make an iota of difference - but I will have done something. Not just sat back and been walked on.., again.

I know I know. I can practically hear you all sighing and rolling your eyes. Maybe I would be too if I was reading my own shite.

5 yr old dd in my bed now - so signing off

Thanks BOOP . I know you're being so kind. Food for thought, sorry to remind you of your pain. It's not nice for one person and yet what and cjel and so many others have been there. I hurt .

Then do it.We are all here for you either way :)
I emailed my ex last night after NC for nearly 4 weeks.
WISH i hadnt today! Grrrr
Its not so much an issue whether he sees you or not being happy and content,
its the fact that YOU know inside that if it did happen,it looks as if you really weren't that bothered..

It's not shite, it's your feelings and they are so important.

I didn't change my hair or put make up on for my H, I did it for me and I tell you, the compliments I have got, even from those who have no idea what's going on with me, so I know they're not just being 'nice', have been so helpful. Do everything for yourself and your DCs. I've seen my H for a total of 1 hour 10 minutes in 2 months.

It's not weak that you didn't couldn't express yourself in those relationships, you moved on from your ExP and got 2 jobs and brought up your DCs. He didn't, you did that.

Morning r&b. first port of call online today is here. To see how you are and whether you've been near any blummin post boxes

Not rolling my eyes at all. I am only wishing I could give you a hug. I was given advice too when I was at my lowest ebb and carrying out some particularly destructive behaviour with my ex. Did I listen? Did I heck as like! Only when I was ready. I wasn't ready to hear it.

Thanks bit for the hug. Much needed .

I am around post boxes all day! I'm a postie. Not put anything in one . Yet.

Want to send her an email too - wishing her good luck. Telling her to take care Of herself . i seem to be moving in the wrong direction completely! WTF is the matter with me. ?

There's nothing the matter with you apart from having a broken heart and going through the roller coaster of emotions that a broken heart brings. It's all perfectly normal. And natural.

I bet. A million people have told you that he's not worth your tears. But still you shed them. It takes a while for your heart to catch up with your brain that's all

I've tried sending this twice, last night and earlier and it wouldn't go either time.

I am going to go against the grain!! I sent email to mine. I wrote, rewrote, slept on it, read to a friend and counsellor, slept on it re wrote, slept on it then sent!!!
I felt we hadn't had closure as I'd moved out and had 30 years worth of not telling him how I really felt to say, He replied that he hadn't known I felt like that and didn't know what to say so I just sent quick reply that my intention wasn't to get response but just that I needed to say it.

I think it helped us be able to see each other and not be so awkward( Saw him yesterday and we both held each others eye contact when leaving and arriving and that was weird)

I have never had the anger phase and don't think its necessary I know other people who are very happily moved on and didn't get angry. I had counselling the whole way through so maybe that helped.

Hope this doesn't confuse you R&B,
How you doing today?x

Not sighing or rolling eyes just sending a big ((hug)) x

One step forward two steps back is the name of the game. As Bit said all of your thoughts and behaivour is normal. I had a good August and September on the whole and then bam October hit me like a ton of bricks again - having to deal with his birthday and so many memories from that particular month.

I wanted to contact her too. I still do some days after 9 months down the line. But we don't know what the consequences of our actions may be so it's just not worth it.

It's like treading water - sometimes you go under and feel like you're drowning. Others days you stick you head above the water and take gulps of fresh air. You will get to the point of indifference x

I honestly can't wait to get to indifference coz I hate being stuck in this place where I am still in love. I find myself thinking I could actually be one of those strange people that 'pretend' they still have a partner long after they've gone. I still look at things and cards in shops .. Even bought an Xmas decoration for him.., I won't send it... But I wanted to buy it for him. WTF WTF WTF??

Cjel - whoa yesterday must have been strange. How are you?

My email to her is simply 'good luck , enjoy him and run when he starts to drain you'

I am working on the basis that none of it is cruel and I would be prepared to say it to their faces and have to ask myself 'could I face that person again?'. Yes, I think so. They both know I'm not a mean nasty person. I haven't done anthing wrong and neither has she.