How long does it take to 'get over' and how to immunise myself ?

[redundantandbitter]

So, it's been nearly 4 weeks since being dumped for yoga lady. Bloody hard, long days and crap sleepless nights. Body is falling apart . He has done this previously (2.5 yrs ago) but returned 5 weeks later. We are NC but am panicking at the thought of him tipping up again with his "hi honey, how are you?" emails. I lurk here to distract myself and there's lots of good advice but I still feel weak and confused and like there is more to come . I only say this as I know his behaviour patterns. Last time we spoke was weeks ago and he said see you in a couple of weeks . Not sure why? Argh. In addition, Has anyone truly honestly stayed 'friends' with an ex? (Apart from Simon Cowell).

I like the sound of a big get together. I don't have anything like that. I'll be working anyway.

Tbh I hate my job, desperate to get out. But this could pass the time better and keep me instead rather than outside at this time of year. I owe my boss , ages been pretty accommodating over the past 2 years, so I have to volunteer. It's better than my day job though.

Night , hope your cold improves and you feel better tomorrow x

Night ladies. Here's to a peaceful night x

Night x

So.. I have written some thoughts down over the past few weeks... Think I have the basis of a letter.. It's not 'you're a bastard' - his ex wife does a lot of that already and it just feeds his ego/ falls on deaf ears. It's not 'I loved you so much' which would, again, feed his ego. My letter is more a clinical analysis of his past and present behaviour traits and patterns. He always says I knew him very well and listened previously when I gently suggested he did't need to do x, y &z. His behaviour is all over the place. Trying to be too many things.

I'm going to show it to my counsellor on Friday. I feel I still need to close this thing. I don't want/expect a response. I guess I just need to get some stuff off my chest and having a long time apart means I have had time to disassociate.

It's been a help to me to be able to make notes on my phone rather than it ho round and round my head.

My counsellor says i've been too reasonable but I'm just not the 'mad bad action' type. Anyone else sent something similar? Does it make me a raving loony?

Evening. I sent a three page email summarizing my feelings after a few months. I don't know what he thought of it he didn't say , but the point was for me to send it not to start discussion. I still don't feel angry just worried for him, I don't go for all this anger either and think as long as its not to your detriment you can't be too reasonable. I did everything he wanted in a kind way and tried not to add any stress to his life. when he was ranting about things I calmly stated I wasn't going to fall out with him about it and I didn't..However this week he has suggested going halves on the divorce and I am going to reply that I can't afford it, if he wants divorce he can pay!!!

I wouldn't write anything about his behaviour though as it suggest you have been thinking about him!!! I just wrote how I would always love him had always supported him and was sorry that he was going through such a crap time and I was worried for him and always there is he ever wanted someone to talk to or if I could help in any way,(written hoping he never would)

YOu can talk it through with your counsellor and she should help to clarify what you want to leave in, take out or add. Just make sure she doesn't tell you what to put

Wow .. Go you. That must have been hard.

Tbh I could write that I love him always etc etc but a) it's pointless b) makes me look a bit sad and c) would just feed his ego.

I am going for the behaviour analysis as its a bit cold and emotionless, which I can manage without breaking my heart. He wont expect it. Plus it is his Achilles heel - as he doesn't know himself at all - so some of the bullet points might sting a little. Good.

I'm afraid I can't be as kind as you sounded in your email. Quite frankly he doesn't deserve my attention and emotional support hanging around in the wings. He can fall flat on his face for all I care. Not my problem. He's not contacted me or been remotely arsed about me. I'm not trying to instigate a conversation either. It's just to allow me a chance to get some of the sense from counselling down in paper and sent.

It should arrive on his doormat on our anniversary. Not that he'll remember.

That sounds good, I've just heard he may be somewhere I'm going on Monday and I haven't seen him for 8 months!! I'm amazed at the power he still has to upset meHe may not even be there but I'm nervous already!!! tidy clothes and 'face' on!!

I think you need to let it all come out -I was having counselling when it all blew up and I stayed with counselling another year and it was so brilliant to have it every week to talk it all through as it was happening.

How you feeling today?

8 months! Well I hope he doesn't show up, and you don't get churned. Fingers crossed.

Fed up today. Been busy with my kids and a friends 2 kids. She's heavily pregnant so helping out. She's listened to me whine often enough.

I still lie awake in the shall hours remembering his smell, his touch and his kiss and physicality. I find myself saying 'what just happened?' ... It's very hard to absorb. Life goes on, just not as I wanted. Hope you have a good evening x

cjel how's your cold?

Morning , I hope you had a better nights sleep. I always manage to sleep for hours - just the dreams bit weird sometimes- Cold is still going strong I'm afraid making me feel low and sorry for myself!!! Haven't seen anyone again since friday although as I have this cold I haven't noticed. I find I tend to avoid people when I'm like this!! A friend has invited herself for roast tonight so I have to go and buy a chicken in a bit, I love her to bits but she is just learning a lot about herself and I find she can spend hours discussing it.(2 Thurs, 2 Friday and 1and a half last night) I could do with taking my mind off myself and self improvment so we'll see!!!

Have you noticed how many songs are about being with people for ever at the moment
Got any plans for today? I'm just getting a leaf hoover delivered in a bit, 3hrs sweeping last Sunday and doesn't look like I bothered now!!!

Struggling with separation and NC today

its sooo hard isn't it.

Oh no, you're ill and you have to cook for someone else. Hope you are up to it?

Dur posted too early....

Yeah, lots of annoying songs, also avoiding the big Xmas adverts with soppy songs.

Been to the park with DDs and dog this morning and now having a DVD on sofa .

I'm fed up with normal joyless boring domesticity. I want my partner back and to wake up from this cruel dream.

I know they are together and it's killing me.

It won't kill you and you really will move away from the pain.My H said he wpould only babysit for dgcs if she could go this week, The thought of her near them is horrid. My dcs won't meet her so I don't think it will happen but the thought of them together in 'our' life isn't easy. I'm ok cooking I find it theraputic and stops my mind wandering

Hello lades. Sorry to hear you struggled this weekend

had a stomach churning moment last night. Had to turn the car round in front of ex's flat and there was the new occupants sitting on the balcony, overlooking the sea, where I did so many hundreds of times. That made my stomach flip.

But I was OK. Went to a gig which made me BUZZ so I forgot all about him

R&B you'll get there. The pain will lessen.

And I really don't want you to send that letter

Why not?

He's treated me like a bag of shite. We were totally fine before his holiday. He swans back, carries on seeing me while considering new girlfriend option... Shags me a few times.. Sends loving texts.. Then simply says I met someone warm and spiritual and I walk away like the sap I am - and go NC.

I think he's got off lightly - i may even email new girlfriend too and ex wife while i'm there. What the hell. Counselling and anti depressants. I have no self esteem anyway .

Please don't contact them. Please keep your dignity.

I know. It's really really really tempting. Believe me I really truly do. I still have days when I want to contact mine and I have written reams of letters which I haven't sent.

But here's why not

1. It will not change anything. He will not read your letter and want to come back (sorry)

1. You will be feeding his ego. "Oh she's still carrying a torch for me" is what he will think

1. He won't answer any of your questions so you'll have anger about that to deal with as well. Even if he does answer, he won't be honest

1. In a few months time you will kick yourself that you had a moment of weakness and contated him after doing so well for so long

1. It will churn everything up for you again but all he'll do is roll his eyes, shrug and shake his head and forget about it (sorry)

1. He'll probably show it to yoga lady and they'll have a little bonding session over it (sorry)

1. No matter how calm and measured you make it, you'll come across a little bit unhinged (sorry)

1. At the end of the day, knowing reasons won't make it any easier. It might just make it even more painful

1. The answers don't really matter now. It is what it is

10. You will have lost your dignity a bit

Sorry if that sounds harsh. But I don't want you to do something that I know you will regret

I mean all that to help you, not to hurt you. Please learn for others' mistakes.

I'm not asking any questions. Not expecting a reply. Nit wanting him back.

It's a analysis of his behaviour .., compartmentalising etc. he's ALWAYS gone on about it and I have completely sussed him with help from counsellor. Just coldly pointing out that he's not what he thinks he is.

If he doesn't read it, so what?

He won't sit with her and read it coz it'll be full of painful truths and he'd be too embarrassed.

Won't see him ever again. I get closure. I feel quite calm and cold about it. Don't get me wrong I am still f'ked up and in love with him. But none of that's going in the letter. Oh, and I'm typing it.

But how will this give you closure? Any more than writing it and not sending it?

Your outward motive seems to be to hurt him. That can't be something that's worth lowering yourself to, surely? You say you don't want a response. But deep down in your heart you do don't you? You want him sobbing on your doorstep begging for you back after the scales have fallen from his eyes after reading your letter. And that's perfectly understandable. In my darkest hours I would stil love my ex to come crawling back to me - not so I could get back with him. So I could make him suffer like he did me.

And BeadBoy won't take on board anything that you say anyway. He has justified his behaviousr to himself now and he will just dismiss what you say as the ramblings of a woman scorned who has a. lost the plot and b. is still in love with him

I promise you, you will regret it. If not now, then further down the line.

And I would be AMAZED if your counsellor thinks it's a good idea

R&B - I agree with BitOutOfPractice I'm afraid, it might hurt a little to read her list of reasons not to send the letter and you might not agree with them all but I can see - even in my own situation - that what she writes is absolutely true.

I have written my H letters / notes / emails - I have never sent them. I have come close and had moments of what the hell and if I'm honest, it was to make him think about what he's lost. BUT - these men do think about what they have lost, before they leave us and they resign themselves to that. My H said before he left that I am 10 steps behind him as he has done all his thinking and now I was at the start of the torment.

I am so glad that I have maintained my dignity. I have had moments where I thought, to hell with it - and my dignity - but I am so glad I didn't send them to him.

One bit of advice I can add to BOOP's great post is to suggest buying a journal. Write down all your thoughts, swear, scribble, let the pages get crumpled with your tears but keep it for yourself as part of your healing process.

Your ADs will kick in, the tears will reduce and it will get a bit more bearable.

It hurts, he's hurt you terribly, but please don't be responsible for hurting yourself with sending a letter.

I also think that your counsellor needs to focus on you rather than your ExP.

Thanks guys.., its me that focuses on him during counselling... She'll stop me eventually.

Out of the two of us it was me that was the sensible practical one. Me that could see stupid patterns of behaviour and where he was upsetting himself/ex w. they would beat each other up (verbally) and go round and round in circles. I guess I tried to help
Him break free of that and take a step back. He always said I know him too well and that all the letter will be. Just the stuff that I would have said to him if we were still together, nothing mean or bitchy, equally nothing pathetic and begging.

I don't want him back after he's been with her. Urgh.