Day 1 of finding out about Affair by DH

[Dito]

I have been reading MN for about 4 hours, trying to take on board advise but it's only Day 1. How I envy those further down the timeline! DH lied, cheated lied got on his hands and knees and begged me to not throw him out which, after getting together all my strength managed to do on autopilot. All I wanted was him to tell me it wasn't true and love me again. Sledgehammer of an evening. Can't eat, got a headache, smoking continuous didn't go to work, don't want to go out on a pre planned visit to my daughters on Sunday and that's two days away. Feel strong, feel weak, feel sick. I get the message of time but I can't face the long stretch looming In front of me never ending.

Stupidly I'm letting him ring me as I can't face the thought of him not, it's strangely comforting knowing he will phone but what do I say, to say nothing but keep this blanket until I find the strength to make a decision. I want to listen as it stops the desperation I feel. Not sure that makes sense but in between phone calls the sick feeling in my tummy goes for a while and I feel I can cope a little longer. what can I say to prolong this comfort blanket but say nothing.

"He said he would go to a councillor with me if I ever let him back. I guess I have to see if he does."

No. You don't.

Bloody hell this is tough love but I'm listening!

I'd say the website he has been using is notching up another success as his strategy is obviously working. I don't think he is taking what he has done seriously, just playing the waiting game.

What he did [up to the point that you discovered it] was premeditated, deceitful and a total lack of respect for you. He CHOSE to meet another woman. He had a target in mind and a conquest to make - same as now but with you being the challenge......

Can you honestly say you can trust him in the future [counselling or no counselling]?

OP I am in sort of the same boat as you, but about 4 weeks longer. I've read your thread and will look at the links. I'm not going to take my ex back, and I don't think he wants me either, he's quite happy cosying up to OW as far as I know. Keep posting, and I'll keep reading to see how you are getting on. I should really put my story up on here but I have had an awful lot of rl support so I've got a lot of my anger out in talking to people.

I called H to tell him that I didn't want to try and mend our relationship. Our house has been sold for a number of months and just about to exchange contracts - we also had a new house purchase which was going through. I told him to stop the purchase and that we would just split the sale 50 50 and go our separate ways. He is begging me not to end the marriage and wants to book into a councillor (even if we don't live together after the sale goes through,) he doesn't want to stop the purchase as he wants us to have a fresh start together. Why would he want to do this if he wasn't full of remorse and learnt a lesson. He can have his freedom, the house will be gone there would be nothing to hold us together. He can afford to live comfortably but he says he doesn't want to without me. I don't understand this?

Game playing. Look, it really does not matter what he wants. It is what you want. You can make your own decisions you do not have to have his permission. Stay strong, get strong.

Dito my advice, forget the games, forget what the internet says, follow your heart and do what you want. If you want your freedom, cut your losses and walk away. If you feel there is something left to talk about, for goodness sake talk to him. It's not illegal.

Good luck.

You need time before making a decision.

He is rushing you.

He does not want to lose the comfortable life he has - home, family, chores done for him etc.

I would go through with the sale and hold on the purchase. You both can still buy another home together later on should you feel this is what YOU want.

I don't understand this?

Maybe he does really love you & is genuinely remorseful. You will probably find out quite quickly whether he's sincere or not.

I agree with going on with the sale & holding off on the purchase until you've sorted everything out, if that's possible.

I feel so angry at him which is what you all told me i would become, trouble is I just want to yell at him and since he's not here I can't do that. Frustrating but probably for the better. Thank you for keep posting back, it keeps me on track when i wobble. The sale is in the hands of the solicitor and my timeline will be dictated by that. I kind of have it it my mind that the signing of the sale contract will be the deadline for me to decide. I will try and use this time to think about what i really want. Its hard but i will try.

Take it from me, you won't be able to make a long term decision until you have processed your emotions and also you have the full picture of what happened. You also need to see action (i.e NOT words) from him that he is truly remorseful, willing to work on himself and make changes to himself. Pretty words are not enough. He need to be doing things to sort himself out, fixing the marriage and helping you recover.

All of this will not happen quickly.

5/6 weeks. My heads still a mess. I think about this from the minute I wake up till the minute I fall asleep and when I wake in the night. I went into panic mode with thoughts of losing him, so let him home a week ago - spare room. He seems relieved, he's willing to talk whenever I want but we get no where, I get upset and angry and he gets tired but will sit there like a zombie till I run out of steam. I feel frustrated, I want him to crawl constantly but he doesn't. I want to hurt him like he's hurt me. I want him to give me back everything he gave her and when he sends nice texts they're not enough. I feel like I'm going round and round on a merry go round. I'm so pissed he's done this and more pissed that he's just tired and not emotionally destroyed like me. He wants to do normal things like go up town shopping this afternoon ( he's out food shopping now and getting coffee) I want him to crawl down into the doldrums with me.

Hello again Dito. Sorry you're still feeling this way but take it from me (and other's whom I'm sure will say the same) it is:

Early, early days. Too soon for recovery.

For him to show real remorse and not 'tiredness' at your understandable distress. From what you say he isn't making much effort and as a result you're doing the emotional work. It should be a joint thing.

Not too late for you to say you want a separation so that you can decide what you want. It doesn't sound like he's felt the consequences and I'll bet he's secretly wondering why you're not 'moving on' yet.

Lots of women (including me) have made a mistake by not acting more assertively post discovery and, as a consequence, could never be sure if he stayed purely for selfish reasons.

I won't tell you to LTB because I know how hard that is. But the reality is, if he doesn't feel the same gut wrenching sense of having massively cocked-up he probably isn't worth the sacrifice of your own mental health.

The 'tiredness' is disrespectful to you. Is he fighting to save his marriage. Has he fully disclosed and is really trying. I'm 18 mths ahead of you. My STBXH came back for 6 weeks. He tried to be normal, but laid on the settee and told me I couldn't expect him to just drop his feelings for the ow. That's when I knew he was out. He left and moved in with ow. I don't believe the affair ever stopped.

You must do what you want. It isn't that bad being on your own. I'm happy and calm. I'm not sure I would be if he was still here. I would be stressed and non trusting.

Keep posting here. I never did and wished I had. But I do read and post on threads and it has been helpful. I think I'm too trusting and a people pleaser. So I'm trying to build my confidence by doing lots of different things. Xx

I've come up town wandering about on my own, spent a fortune on things I am not really interested in. He's called about 5 times. I Ignored them all. Just feel numb, un loved and alone. In a daze, just walking aimlessly. During work, I'm strong and well respected, if they could see me know eh! I guess at work I am in control, in my personal life I'm weak. I know it has to be what I want. I just want to feel special and I don't.

I think that's the reality of letting this man back in your life and home. It's a case of 'be careful what you wish for' because, even though he's back, it's obviously not produced the outcome you were hoping for. You're not weak but I think you have to undergo this phase before you can let go for good. Good luck

What a hellish weekend! This has got to be the next phase because now I'm all weepy, the anger seems to have gone and BIG proper tears for the first time, infact if I think about it I've not really cried! 4 o clock this morning, big tears. We had a big talk last night. I believe I have full disclosure now and he talked about his research and visiting the local counselling place who have said he needs to try behavioural change people for attention seeking and how he couldn't find one and he went to the doctors to try and find one. I hate him for what he did and for bringing this situation but I know I love him too. However, I'm determined not to make a decision yet about what I want, Do you think this is a vulnerable stage? I think it could be!

I hate him for what he did and for bringing this situation but I know I love him too.
But do you really think you could trust him ever again???

itsme I don't know if I could trust him again, if he goes to the councillor and genuinely tries then I may 'consider trying too. If he doesn't try and sort things out then that would confirm he doesn't care and I would be an insecure wreck if I tried! I also think that I would be able to forget but I doubt I'd forget forever! They say you get flashbacks. I need time, funnily enough I also think I could over time build my life up again, make more for myself, and could probably put myself off him without hurting.

I was where you are. I'm so sorry you're there now.

I only have one piece of advice, with my own painful hindsight. Go with your own instincts. Your friends love you, your family care for you, but you have to live with you. You have to sleep at night and you have to at peace with your decisions.

Do everything that feels right to you now, so that whether it does or doesn't work in your relationship, or you move on to a new future - you can put your own hand on your own heart and know that you did everything in your power to address your difficulties.

Advice from others (which I'm aware this is!) is glorious, but only you know your heart, and only you can mend it.