Day 1 of finding out about Affair by DH

[Dito]

I have been reading MN for about 4 hours, trying to take on board advise but it's only Day 1. How I envy those further down the timeline! DH lied, cheated lied got on his hands and knees and begged me to not throw him out which, after getting together all my strength managed to do on autopilot. All I wanted was him to tell me it wasn't true and love me again. Sledgehammer of an evening. Can't eat, got a headache, smoking continuous didn't go to work, don't want to go out on a pre planned visit to my daughters on Sunday and that's two days away. Feel strong, feel weak, feel sick. I get the message of time but I can't face the long stretch looming In front of me never ending.

Stupidly I'm letting him ring me as I can't face the thought of him not, it's strangely comforting knowing he will phone but what do I say, to say nothing but keep this blanket until I find the strength to make a decision. I want to listen as it stops the desperation I feel. Not sure that makes sense but in between phone calls the sick feeling in my tummy goes for a while and I feel I can cope a little longer. what can I say to prolong this comfort blanket but say nothing.

Thank you latest posters, I still haven't told anyone in RL so MN is my sounding place at the moment - I am not ready and have no-one close by to talk to anyway.

I agree, my mind is filling in the 'blanks' with thoughts I don't need. Ive gone over the evidence I have and imagining the worse for all the in-between bits. I do now think it was the beginning of their 'thing' and it looks like she was not quite there yet in her mind.

Today has just not been a good day. Just when I think I have fathomed it out I realise that I haven't, I am no further forward.

I was the same as Looksgood. I wanted to know everything. I still don't but it doesn't matter now. It's like picking at a scab though - it's irresistible but it hurts so much.

I'm not with my Ex (as mentioned above) although I did have the satisfaction of him begging to come back once I'd moved on. You are in such early days with everything - only you can know what you truly want and if that is reconciliation that is your call. Know that you will get support here whichever path you take. I am genuinely in awe of couples who can get past infidelity and become a truly stronger team. I suspect it is actually harder than leaving the relationship in many ways.

I am rambling and adding nothing useful. I hope you find some peace and space for some calm today. Please think of you - not him - if you can.

It's only been a few days and everything you're describing sounds like a very normal what I'd call 'hyper-rationalisation' process when faced with acute stress and frantically looking for explanations, causes, solutions, all at the same time. You're a little further forward than you were originally but the next step is going to be the RL reveal. Then it'll be more real.

Sorry to hear this OP.

Cheeky bastard - he's just poured your marriage down the drain and he has the audacity to be cross with you for pouring his whiskey down the sink!

Dito, the way in which your dh responds now will speak volumes.

If he is genuinely remorseful he for one shouldn't be the least pissed off about his precious whiskey, how bloody dare he be annoyed about that! That should be the least of his worries.

He needs to be honest and open with you now. The problem with this is all the lies that he's told, makes you wonder what's real anymore. That's where RL support pays dividends as apposed to online support. Your friends (I presume) will know your dh far better than mn. Even though we can of course guide you through the utter devastation, we don't know him as you and your friends do. Is this totally out of character etc...

I don't blame you for not wanting to open up to RL friends, it feels almost like you're betraying your dh trust, the person you love/d. It's a complete mind fuck! Once you do though the relief is immense. I will be forever greatful to one great friend of mine who listened and helped me far more than she will ever know. She didn't judge my decision to stay, she helped me to realise that I could get through the devastation whether we stayed together or not.

The most important thing in my case though was the way dp acted once he'd confessed. Since then he's not lost patience with me, not once. He's been remorseful and full of regret, he will talk (even now 18 months on) whenever I feel the need (which is not so often these days). He's changed as a person and isn't the selfish, self centered twonk he was during that time.

Don't make any decision until the fog has lifted and you can see more clearly. Whichever decision you make is right for you. Take each day at a time, you may have a better day tomorrow and then take a step back the day after. Be prepared for this. Each day you will be getting a little bit stronger (even though at the time it doesn't feel that way), when you look back you will see little turning points. You'll have brief moments of it not being all consuming, the images you see every moment will become less frequent.

You will need to talk to your dh. Come back to us when you have.

Take care

Day 6 - last night was sleepless, walking around the house at 4am but today has been OK mainly because I buried my head in work.

He was only angry for a short while about the whiskey - when he got a shock when he opened the cupboard and saw the empty bottles, he did calm down and try and contain it.

We have been talking when I feel like answering the phone - he's ringing regularly but I don't always answer, depends how i feel!

He has answered my questions and not got angry and I was bordering on believing him about the physical bit - he said 'I am not bullshitting about that!' He never talks like that and the tone was different. He is trying to explain what he did and then he blew my thoughts by telling me the texting started about 4/5 weeks ago. He said it was gradual from a chance work meeting, he said few and far between.

The e-mails i saw, if I think about it were non personal poems (he's always written poems - a romantic) and a conversation where there was nothing developed but obviously developing, getting to know each other - "this scares me" and her "positive and negative" thoughts and that maybe she did not desire this through distance & circumstance.

I feel sick now at the thought of them meeting.

You're getting so much information at the moment that it might be a good time to cut the phone-calls for a while, think calmly and allow yourself chance to process it all. I think you want to believe him but are struggling. Hope it's a less sleepless night.

OK I blew my stack and text him about still lying to me! I Didn't answer the first two immediate calls or two text saying sorry but eventually did when he text he was balling his eyes out in front of a friend. V emotional, he said he was not having an affair, it was stupid text and e-mail up until Thursday night which was meant to be a 'catch up' but never happened as it was scuppered. He said he can't believe that texting and e-mailing would be so destroying!

Ended the convo - too emotional....Time to realise I have all the info I need or am going to get. Wine'o'clock now and I am going to watch the rest of Mistresses, the TV programme I downloaded on iTunes - all three series. I am on Series 2! Recommend to anyone going through this.

Oh he is really feeling sorry for himself now isn't he?
He can't believe emailing and texting could be so destroying---he is unbelievable!!!!
He was having an EA which would have developed into a PA if you hadn't found out ,meeting for a catch up my area. Meeting for a shag without doubt why else book a room.
As you say OP you won't get anything else out of him, what you do with the information you do have is a very difficult choice.
Good luck

1 week over since I found out. Yes, a week makes a difference. good day today, went to work, talked to nice people about everyday things. Still consciously not making a decision, have arranged to meet face to face with H tomorrow evening on mutual territory. Feel non committal, feel strong enough to think about what I want. Starting to feel I can get through this whatever the outcome. Big thanks to everyone who has helped me through my first week. (Thanks)

you will get through this dito, you've handled it brilliantly so far.

glad that today was a good day. hope that tomorrow goes okay for you, be strong. best of luck.

Two weeks, 3 days now! Work has been my saviour keeping me occupied, even although it's taken all my strength to try and motivate myself. I had a good week but then spoke to H on Friday. all the hurt came flooding back and I realised I'd spent a week hiding from it all and I felt really angry at him for mucking everything up? He is very remorseful and is doing everything I ask - still staying away, phoning texting how sorry he is and he will do everything to sort it.

A thought I can't get out my mind! In the heat of my anger I asked if he was willing to sign an infidelity agreement and he said yes. I never really meant it but now I've reflected on it maybe I should! What do you think?

Waste of time and money.
At this point he will agree to anything
Why book a room if he only intended meeting for a drink. You have caught him bang to rights.
He has probably lied about that Thursday night.
I would not be wasting any more time, emotion or money on him. Too little too late.

After doing some digging, the bank account shows he was shopping, her tweets shows she was late at work, whatever the intention it never got that far. The emails also show it had not developed that far. Yes they were starting to trade personal detail so it was definitely going that way. However I'm bordering on giving him another chance and an infidelity agreement (which only costs 100 pounds which he can pay) means if he did do it again There is a real massive consequence in addition to losing me. He's hurt me once and I won't tolerate it again. the internet said these agreements can be an antidote to this behaviour.

Do you really want to be with someone who needs a contract to stay faithful? it shows you don't trust him still - and why should you? It might make you feel better - but it shouldn't be needed in the first place.

A bit of paper is not going to stop his cock from wandering, wake up!!!!! read back your last post it's he was on the verge of a full blown affair no consideration for you, yes he may seem remorseful now cos he's been caught. sorry but your living in a dream world if you think a bit of paper will change anything. I genuinely feel sorry for the trauma you've gone through just don't understand how you can think everything will be ok with a signed agreement, your looking for him to be innocent and proving it to yourself. you also proved how strong you have been these last few days without him too

I really wish I could wake up!!.. I wish I hated him but I don't, even when I went through an angry stage. I obviously need more time. I looked up on the internet 'is it weak to forgive him' and managed to persuade myself It wasn't. 2 and a half weeks and still confused.

No, no, no to him signing an infidelity agreement.

You do need more time to yourself to think OP. It's no wonder you are confused. Anyone in your position would be too, esp when its only natural to want things to be back to how they were, meanwhile he's on the phone promising the earth to you. Course he is.

I think you need more space from him. Anger will come in waves. As will feelings of forgiveness. Keeping busy with work and other things doesn't mean that you are hiding from it, you were coping with it. Hearing his voice will bring things flooding back.

Week 3 and 2 days. H still staying away but he has been reading on the internet and now he is playing it 'cool'. This has been driving me mad as i am now wondering if he will make the decision not to come back. I feel like he has taken the choice away from me. i looked at the website he is using to 'get marriage back on track' and it does say agree with everything she says, back off 'and she will come running back'. My god it working! I have had an up and down week but kept myself so busy, now its the weekend and he hasn't called or text or e-mailed and its driving me mad, I am keeping all my strength to not text him etc, I wanted to have a good think this weekend and now I can't.

So he's playing games to manipulate you?
Other than read on the internet, what is he doing to change himself from the person who gave himself permission to book a hotel room to fuck another woman?

Surely your marriage certificate is a document that is going to keep you faithful?!

Do not go running back. Have some self respect. It is obvious you want him back, why the hell make it easy for him, it has only been days!

Why can't you have a good think? You can manage without him. You just have to decide if you belief that or even want to try.

I thought my marriage certificate was but clearly he didn't. I have gone past that idea now, mn made me see that but with my mind on overdrive it takes a while to sink in..

I couldn't think because I was too busy panicking about what he was going to do, I felt like I had lost the choice to decide because with him cooling off and the resulting panic, I must still not want to lose him, but I feel much more in control now and the phone is off now. Your right I need some self respect, it deserts me at times. I know I can manage without him but deciding whether I want to live with him or not is difficult. I can't get past 50 50. I get angry at him for mucking everything up and making me this way.

katie he said he is going to see a behavioural specialist to try and sort out attention seeking. He said he would go to a councillor with me if I ever let him back. I guess I have to see if he does.

So he's playing games?

Well now you know he's not sorry.

Any man who could devastate a person as much as he has done to you and decide that the way forward was to take advantage of the hurt they caused to manipulate them into doing their bidding, is an out and out BASTARD.

What he is doing is unbelievably cruel.

It is not what someone who was sorry would do.

He thinks he has a right to treat you how he wants and then fuck with your head until you agree with him.

Keep your distance. Not so he'll come running, but so that you will start to see him for what he really is.