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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Day 1 of finding out about Affair by DH

121 replies

Dito · 04/10/2013 19:16

I have been reading MN for about 4 hours, trying to take on board advise but it's only Day 1. How I envy those further down the timeline! DH lied, cheated lied got on his hands and knees and begged me to not throw him out which, after getting together all my strength managed to do on autopilot. All I wanted was him to tell me it wasn't true and love me again. Sledgehammer of an evening. Can't eat, got a headache, smoking continuous didn't go to work, don't want to go out on a pre planned visit to my daughters on Sunday and that's two days away. Feel strong, feel weak, feel sick. I get the message of time but I can't face the long stretch looming In front of me never ending.

Stupidly I'm letting him ring me as I can't face the thought of him not, it's strangely comforting knowing he will phone but what do I say, to say nothing but keep this blanket until I find the strength to make a decision. I want to listen as it stops the desperation I feel. Not sure that makes sense but in between phone calls the sick feeling in my tummy goes for a while and I feel I can cope a little longer. what can I say to prolong this comfort blanket but say nothing.

OP posts:
Original poster
Dito · 04/10/2013 22:02

I'm going to try and watch some mindless tv and hope I fall asleep! Not sure that will work but soooo tired. Have managed to stay off the wine, that's a plus. Thank you all, your right I need to think, to try and remind myself why I'm in this nightmare.

OP posts:
Original poster
Dito · 04/10/2013 22:07

Feel the tears coming for the first time, glad your all there. I'm at 26 hours and still counting - day 2.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 04/10/2013 22:07

Practical suggestion.. got any 'Night Nurse' around? Might help you get some sleep and manage the headache. Mindless TV good too...

neiljames77 · 04/10/2013 22:09

I have just joined this site because there are some things I'd like a female perspective on. ( mainly my daughters' education, etc). I am obviously not used to terminologies and abbreviations you use on here. Is DH an abbreviation for "dickhead husband" or something like that?

MusicForTheMasses · 04/10/2013 22:09

I made a point of watching all the mindless TV the twunt didn't like!

We're here. xx

SoleSource · 04/10/2013 22:09

Dear Husband

CogitoErgoSometimes · 04/10/2013 22:10

I think it's 'Dear'... but often has to be used ironically.

Judybluey · 04/10/2013 22:13

My dad did this to my mum 5 years ago and my mum still feels terribly betrayed...hope you are surrounded by lovely supportive people Thanks

WandaDoff · 04/10/2013 22:16

Close enough, neiljames

WandaDoff · 04/10/2013 22:19

I'm so sorry this has happened to you OP Thanks

neiljames77 · 04/10/2013 22:32

Thanks. I had to ask in case it was a "man bashing" thread and I got answers like, "in your case, yes it does".
I'm seeing the damage this kind of thing can cause because my best mate has just done the dirty on his wife. I've known them both for a long time and I'm hoping that neither of them tell me to pick sides. It's come completely out of the blue to everyone and she's devastated. I don't know what to say to her really. When I said she was my friend as much as he is and still want to keep in contact with her, she burst into tears and said thanks. Maybe I should keep my distance because seeing me might just remind her that he's gone because we all used to go out together.

GilmoursPillow · 05/10/2013 05:18

Neil, it might be better to start a separate thread for this so this thread doesn't get de-railed.
I'm sure you'll get some sound and sensible advice if you do.

MusicForTheMasses · 05/10/2013 07:06

How are you Dito? x

akaWisey · 05/10/2013 08:22

Music I think you must have had the same first waking thought as me this morning - "how's dito"?

dito I hope you manage to rest, if not sleep.

Original poster
Dito · 05/10/2013 09:37

I'm amazed I managed some sleep, spent most of the night staring at all the things in the bedroom, I bagged everything I could find of his at 5 this morning. I thought I'd feel better but today's looking very long again.

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 05/10/2013 10:09

I'm glad you got some sleep. Grief affects everyone differently... for me it cycled through good days and bad days for quite some time. Don't think you can rush it but dig in for the long-haul. Make the most of it when you feel strong.

akaWisey · 05/10/2013 10:57

Dito good morning.

I'm glad you slept. I can remember doing something very similar to you.

For now just do what you feel is right.

Original poster
Dito · 05/10/2013 11:42

Need to face up. The OW is someone he met a year ago but I don't think anything happened then. OW lives 100s of miles away-work means attending events. Looks like over a couple of weeks he has been in a fantasy sending poems and a couple of romantic e-mails e.g "this is scary.", "i think you could break my heart." I assume Thursday night was 'the night' (or 'a' night, can't tell if he's been with her before) as he booked a hotel, although me finding out means they only spent a couple of hours together, (6 - 8pm, time enough). He then lied to her about having to rush off as his Nan was ill. Friday am, i sent her an email telling her the truth.

My phone is ringing and i didn't answer, its now rung 4 times and a text saying ring me urgent - not sure what to do. there it goes again.

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MusicForTheMasses · 05/10/2013 12:18

Ignore. He's trying to save his own back.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 05/10/2013 12:22

I'd switch off the mobile, put the housephone on answer machine and go somewhere for the day. This thinking time is so important. Whatever happens next you need to have a clear mind... not the confusion of more lies.

Original poster
Dito · 05/10/2013 12:32

I cant go out of contact waiting for DD to arrange tomorrow. Don't want DCs thinking something up. After about 11 calls, I text back "i will call in a couple of hours" - he text back "can you talk for 1 min now x". i said "difficult whats up", he said 'just wanted to hear your voice feeling really low don't worry talk later". pff..

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 05/10/2013 12:38

He's feeling really low? Hmm All about him this, isn't it?

McBuckers · 05/10/2013 12:40

He's wants, he's low - yep it's still all about him!

Did he even ask how you were?

marriedinwhiteisbackz · 05/10/2013 12:51

How old are your DC's? If you go tomorrow how will they possibly not realise something is up?

You are going through shock and realisation but this might not be the end; this might be the beginning of talking and resolution and then forgiveness.

Holds out hand x

Original poster
Dito · 05/10/2013 13:10

DD16, her Dad lives closer to the bf so she spends a lot of time over there at the moment, DC20 at Uni. We both have teens from our first marriages - which split for other reasons. Been together 12 years.

If this is mostly about 'him' at the moment - what's next? What happens when he stops feeling low? Is that soon or miles away? I guess no one can answer that but any examples will help me try and figure out what to expect.

Im going to brave the outside, get out my dressing gown and go get a coffee. Im too busy thinking about him that i am not thinking about what to do, I find it difficult accepting the situation. Mixed up.

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