Day 1 of finding out about Affair by DH

[Dito]

I have been reading MN for about 4 hours, trying to take on board advise but it's only Day 1. How I envy those further down the timeline! DH lied, cheated lied got on his hands and knees and begged me to not throw him out which, after getting together all my strength managed to do on autopilot. All I wanted was him to tell me it wasn't true and love me again. Sledgehammer of an evening. Can't eat, got a headache, smoking continuous didn't go to work, don't want to go out on a pre planned visit to my daughters on Sunday and that's two days away. Feel strong, feel weak, feel sick. I get the message of time but I can't face the long stretch looming In front of me never ending.

Stupidly I'm letting him ring me as I can't face the thought of him not, it's strangely comforting knowing he will phone but what do I say, to say nothing but keep this blanket until I find the strength to make a decision. I want to listen as it stops the desperation I feel. Not sure that makes sense but in between phone calls the sick feeling in my tummy goes for a while and I feel I can cope a little longer. what can I say to prolong this comfort blanket but say nothing.

That's why he's keeping it all about him. So that it clouds your thinking. This attempt to worm his way back in may be a short-term thing & he gets bored if you keep him at bay or it may be a sustained campaign designed to break you down. I had an exH that kept ringing to say he was 'worried about me' whilst having no intention of returning. That's why I say you need space to breathe. You're not properly angry with him yet.

I'm guessing you're trying to contain this at the moment and no-one (bar MN) knows? That's another source of stress... keeping his secret.

Completely agree with Cogito.

By trying to get you to feel sorry for him he's trying to stop you from being angry at him.

The anger will kick in soon and you'll be throwing that mobile across the room when you see his number pop up.
Take care of yourself and get RL support no matter what the cost/time

So sorry for you, OP. I hope you are feeling a tiny bit better after braving the outside world this afternoon x

xxxx

Going out was like being on the outside looking in at the happy chatty people. But on a plus, I force fed myself for the first time in 40 hours.

I then caved and answered the phone - some truth, most probably more lies. He has agreed to give me more time, my way, he agreed to collect some stuff on Sunday and stay away for however long i need. Said he would talk when i wanted, he would do this that and everything to put this right. Did broach the details of what really happened but to me could be truth could be lies. He admitted he was going to meet her for a drink as she was passing through. He said no intentions and it was all selfish self indulgence. He said he's now on the cliff edge of our marriage and it is really clear he still wants it. For me, I feel I have bought myself some time to think and try and make the right decision.

Yes, do stay on here. I was in your position last November.

I genuinely couldn't have got through it without the support I received on here. I had no family and very few superficial friendships.

The kindness and support of strangers on the internet encouraged me to reach out to people I barely knew in real life and now I feel like a different person.

I'm happier and more contented now than I have been in years.

He's done all this now he's meeting her for a drink?

It's not relevant what he wants or how many realisations he is having about your marriage. What do YOU want?

I'm sorry you're having to deal with this.

He's going to meet her for a drink?

He'll be begging her to take him on. You know that deep inside, don't you?

I meant he admitted he was meeting her for a drink last Thursday night - part of his flimsy explanation. He's just been to the house, he was here when I got home but wasn't expecting him for another hour. He was very angry that I've bagged up everything and poured all his beloved malt whiskeys down the sink and left all the empties in the cupboard.

My hearts still thumping from adrenalin.

I think you've shown remarkable restraint tbh. You should have been in my house in the days after discovery .

H has told me he is coming back to the house on Friday to stay the weekend (spare room) I objected and he said he needed to come home to do his washing etc and would maybe then think about trying to stay at a friends for one night. He said I can't throw him out his house (in both our names) he needs to do washing and get different things etc. If he digs his heals in, I'll be the one who ends up forking out for a hotel or something? Not sure where I stand on this.

Is he still going to be staying at his mums this week? Doesn't she have a washing machine?

He's worried about his fucking precious whiskeys going down the sink? Oh and HE feels like he's on the cliff edge and its miraculously clear now what he wants.

I'm sorry OP but in my experience you realise they're not the person you thought they were, sooner the better although its a shock. He will turn nasty (nastier) when he doesn't get things his own way. I hope that you get the time and space to think about what YOU want.

And you're right, his explanation does sound flimsy.

Let me tell you what else he is doing while ringing you and telling you he's low.

He'll be having a separate little drama with the OW, my wife found out, she kicked me out, poor me, I still love you, I won't be getting back with her, when can we meet again etc etc

Don't let him back in (certainly not yet). Pack whatever stuff he might need, have it sitting outside for him on Friday, direct him to the nearest laundrette, he can go back and stay at his mother's.

Are you sure he's at his mother's? It would not surprise me that he has been staying at OW's (my wife has kicked me out, it's only temporary, I will sort it out etc etc)

And I agree with anyone who has said, don't engage esp not in the phone - ignore the calls, ignore the texts (put a horrible ring tone on his calls like "duck") so you don't have to keep looking when phone rings.

Only text non-emotional stuff like "packed your stuff, will leave them outside for you Friday" (and find yourself something to do all day Friday so you're not home - massage, trip to see friend in another city)

Oh and a good website which I think Wellwobbly recommended - Chumplady.com

Day 4. Feels similar to day 1, 2 and 3. Groan. Hauled myself out and went to work - lasted one hour and now home again. Luckily i can pretend to work from home but just can't motivate. Last night, after wine, i decided that i was so unhappy that the only way i would be happy again is to take him back and I slept like a log. However, today I know thats not the answer and I know I can't make a decision yet - too soon. Today seems a limbo day. He has conned me into worrying about him. Why am i worried about him?

dontyou and spree. He is not at his mothers anymore (a two hour train journey south) he is back up here for work. He can't be with her as she lives on the other side of the country (north west according to twitter). He works an hour away from our house (north). Regardless of where he is, I'm just panicking he will demand to get back in at weekends and how I stop him till i have made more sense of all this.

Because you still care about the person you thought you were with - not the duplicitous arse he actually is.

I wasted nearly a year on DD's dad when he did this to me. I kept letting him back in and all the while he was still shagging the OW. He lives with her now but "he's not happy". He falls over the lies he told all the time. I don't care any more but it's amazing how much is still coming out.

There is almost a script that people having affairs follow - it's been mentioned on MN lots of times before. I'll see if I can find a link.

Please be kind to yourself. YOU are the important one here - not him.

Here is a link to another thread which talks about typical behaviours: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1634754-Men-affairs-what-is-the-script

Thank you, I will read it now. I am the kind of person who really needs to try and understand things. Pretty difficult when it comes to affairs of the heart.

Why are you worried about him? Read that chumplady website - I think she calls it "untangling the skein of fckedupness

Be good to yourself, one step at a time, now is the time to pamper and go easy on yourself.

I'm not sure it'll give you a "why". There probably isn't one that could adequately explain his behaviour or make this hurt less for you (other than that he's a selfish twat, of course).

Please just take a little time out for yourself. Take things gently and easily, if you can. Your posts give me a sense of you feeling like you "should" be doing something or fixing it or working it out. To use old fashioned therapy-speak, you may just need to "be" for a while.

Day 5 -This morning was a bad morning. First thought was them together when I don't even know if they have really been together. I know the banter by e-mail and probably the intension last Thursday which i scuppered. I feel i need to know if he did turn it physical or not. Thats the deal breaker for me, i could work past the e-mails if it didn't turn physical. I feel I will never know because you all say he will only lie and lie. So confusing. I am going to answer the phone when it rings next.

It's a tough one because there's no good answer to 'did it get physical?' If he says 'yes', it's over. If he says 'no', you're going to wonder if he's lying.

Just sending you support, it's hard what you are going through, you are worried about him because you still love him, why wouldn't you, the love just doesn't disappear. You need a long frank talk with him, maybe not now but when you feel ready and it has to be complete honesty from him, if there's any chance of you two being able to sort things out. Doesn't sound like you know very much about this affair?

Dito, so sorry you're going through this.

I had similar with dp. He did minimise initially. He did eventually tell me everything including things I would never have found out about, things had turned physical.

Your need to know I can totally relate to, it's awful not knowing exactly what you're dealing with, you have so many questions and don't know what to believe.

In my case I wanted to know every sorry detail, that's me though, I NEEDED to know so that I didn't make it even worse in my imagination, if that makes sense. It was awful but then I could start to build my life back again.

We are still together btw. It's not been easy but dp has totally changed from the person he became during that god awful time.

You will still be living in a fog like existence at the moment, your emotions will go from one extreme to the next, be kind to yourself on your worst days and know that you will get through this even though you are hurting so bad at the moment. RL support helped me through my darker days, hope you have a shoulder you can lean on.

x