DP wants babies and I don't

[BigPawsBrown]

DP and I have always been on the same page about babies; we thought we might have them in the future but felt no need to do it now (I'm 28, he's 32).

I have had some set backs which mean I'm not where I want to be in my career yet and also unsure if I could handle having a baby and the exhaustion of it.

DP and I used to chat about how many of our friends had babies and how we had far more interesting (!) things to be getting on with. That chat has since stopped and DP seems to have fallen more on the side of wanting babies and I think that I might never want them.

I think DP wants to get married, and I wonder if we would be nuts to do so? Whenever we discuss it we end up going round in circles; I can't say for sure I never want children, DP says he thinks he does but it's not a deal breaker now but it might become one.

What do we do?

In other words I suppose I'm asking, how worked out do things have to be to get married? We've been together 7 years.

You'd be nuts to get married if you've got this very big issue hanging over you unresolved. If it's your career that's the main sticking-point, maybe a target to aim for would help. If you're worried about exhaustion, that's a different thing. But if it's that you don't want his children... and that happened to me ... then be honest about it.

Id like his children more than anybody else's. But I don't really want to live with/spend my life with children at all...

Only you two can decide the question of babies between you.

If you don't resolve it now it could become a horrible deal breaker in a few years' time.

I don't think you're being unreasonable in not wanting to decide just now, but I do think that in fairness, you're going to have to make up your mind pretty soon.

How do I go about making up my mind? I just don't know

There's nowt wrong with not wanting babies, and at least you realise it's largely exhausting and not necessarily wall-to-wall fun and games! But to answer your question, IMO you shouldn't get married to someone who definitely does want them if you're pretty sure you don't.

You need to talk. Happened to a close friend of mine. She wanted kids, he didn't. Divorced within a year of getting married.

I'd say from your message at 13:53 that you pretty much already have made up your mind. (But you could easily change it again! That pesky biological clock is not to be underestimated. Sorry, that's not terribly helpful, is it...)

So we just wait, until one of us is certain? I'd say I'm 70% sure I don't ever want children. DP thinks he will but they are his bottom priority now, and may stay that way, he says!

How is your relationship generally? Does he still make you go weak at the knees in the bedroom? Do you have fun? Do you share common interests, outlooks and values? Can you picture yourself in old age together?

If it's all good, why not just wait until you're 30 and reassess then? Your career will have progressed a bit, your biological clock will have progressed a bit, and your DP's balancing act on the fence may have resulted in him falling one side or the other. In the meantime though, definitely do not get married or make any other big commitment together like a house purchase.

Gosh, we want so much to buy a house too. Throwing money away renting at the moment.

It's good. He makes me laugh a lot, he makes me come, we do lovely things together...

How do you know?

Well, this is one way to think about it - imagine if someone told you tomorrow that you could never have children, how would you feel, honestly?

I was pretty ambivalent about it, and thought that I wouldn't mind NOT having children if I was with a partner who felt the same way. But I had at the back of my mind this thought that if for some reason the choice was taken away from me, I'd be a bit devastated about it.

As it turns out, my DH did want children and we have two. But I was 40 before I had DS1, so had got all my career stuff, partying and most of my "things I want to do" out of the way before I settled down. I was also very lucky to be able to have 2 DC in my 40s - it doesn't work for everyone.

Another aside - friends of mine got together in their teens. They are still together, over 25y later. She didn't want children, even less than I did at the time! They got married after being together for 15y, still didn't want children. Then a few years later, along came a baby and they were both over the moon. Funny how things can change!

What I'm saying is if you're not sure you never want children, and you ARE sure you want to be with your partner for the long haul, then stay with him and see how it goes. But if you ARE sure you never want children then perhaps you should let him decide if he wants to make that choice too, or if he wants to go and find someone whose wants are more in line with his own.

I was in this situation. I was very open and discussed it with DH, saying I couldn't marry him if he would later turn round and say kids were a deal breaker. He was fine with that.... or so he said. Within a year of marriage the children issue was raised. It destroyed things between us. I felt let down, and lied to. He felt he had a right to a family, and I should change my mind.

I have a baby now though. The biological clock caught me at 40. She is the best thing that has ever happened to me and far more important to me than any man could ever be.

So, my advice, don't get married unless you are on the same page. It's not something you can compromise on, and once someone decides they want kids, it can become an obsession with them. It becomes especially difficult when friends and family all start having kids, which given your ages I'd say will be round about now.

I knew these would be my answers, but I'm pretty freaked out. Feel sick at the thought of losing him.

I'm not sure I don't want them, but I'm close to sure.

All our fam and friends have kids. We say the way they make it sound like a chore and nothing more than a chore (ie no good bits) has put us well off!

OP, I know exactly where you're coming from! I have no idea how you make up your mind. Around your age, DP and I started seriously discussing whether or not we wanted children, and like you said, the conversation just goes round and round in circles. We were kind of on the same page in that neither of us were sure yet, so we decided to keep discussing it every year or so, and assumed that in a couple of years we would know for sure.

Well, we still don't know for sure and have now been happily married for 3 years (been together 10 years altogether). Maybe it was very silly to get married without knowing if we wanted to have a family, and tbh I thought we'd only get married if we decided we wanted children, but he proposed out of the blue and I said yes. Basically, I think we want to be together whether or not we have children. I can see us loving being parents, but can also see us being happy childfree.

A few years ago I would have said we would most likely not have children, but that's changing. As I get older I get less and less scared of the idea of parenthood which I think makes it easier for your true feelings about having children come through. Not sure if that helps at all?

BigPaws if it helps, the reason I didn't want kids because all I ever heard was:

Pregnancy is horrendous, you'll puke for 9 months, have stretch marks to your knees, and end up with huge feet and varicose veins

Birth will leave you emotionally and physically wrecked and you'll never enjoy sex again.

You will kiss good bye to sleep for the next 5 years

You will look like a fat saggy heifer for ever more

Moan, moan, moan etc

The reality:

Pregnancy is fine
Birth is fine
I have no stretch marks or varicose veins and my feet are really quite normal
Sex post baby is great. Better than before in my case
You will sleep, babies sleep through eventually and nap quite a lot in the day.
I am a size 8, and was back in pre-pregnancy clothes after about a month. I didn't diet either, just bf and kept active.
I moan less now, than I did before.
The love you feel for your child is indescribable.

Of course kids are hard, but they aren't that hard, and when they wake up and smile at you. Well it doesn't get any better.

I never wanted children at age 28 either. Like you I was rather put off by the endless reports of sleepless nights, shitty nappies, appalling behaviour, ruined social lives, loss of freedom, etc. Then I accidentally ended up fostering an 18-month-old for 6 months and suddenly got the 'fun'. It totally changed my mind on having DC.

It might not have the same effect on you, but you could try getting more closely involved with friends/family's DC to see if more experience could firm up your decision one way or the other.

But TBH, at your stage of life - young enough to not be fighting the fertility clock and still in the process of establishing your career - I'd save yourself some angst and just decide to revisit the idea in a few years but forget about it for now. As long as you don't commit yourselves to marriage or a mortgage so you can walk away with much greater ease should you decide to split, I don't see what you have to gain by thrashing it out here and now. You may feel very differently in a couple of years time.

All I can do is tell you my story. I have never wanted children, my whole family knew my feelings on this growing up.

Was with DH for 7 years when we got married, told him a while before the wedding if he wanted DCs/saw them in his future we shouldn't get married. He knew this about me all along and was OK with it, neither of us were particularly into the idea of DCs.

Then when I was 30-31 I started having this strange desire to have a child, I felt like I was going a bit mad nad DH was a bit suprised to say the least.

I now have an 11 month old DD and cannot imagine my life without her. I've even found that I'm a good/natural Mum and even my DM admits she didn't think I'd cope as well as I have. When I told her I was pregnant, she could barely speak in shock and asked me if baby was planned!

I hope this doesn't sound patronising but honestly, I was pretty adamant about not having them. I even considered being sterilised. I also used to find other children annoying, but when you have your own, you start liking them a bit more

"We say the way they make it sound like a chore and nothing more than a chore (ie no good bits) has put us well off!"

Ahh. I'm sure there is more to it than that, so I'm going to try not to be trite about this.
Even when I got pg with DS1, I still wasn't sure I wanted to be a mum. The day I went into hospital to be induced, I phoned 3 people in a flat panic, my Dad, my best friend who had a son, and my other friend who was childless by choice. It was a bit bloody late by then to be having second thoughts but I was scared I would be shit at it, and not bond.

I did though. No massive rush of love for me, but instant bonding - as though meeting face to face someone I'd already known for a long time but never seen. And I have to say I absolutely loved it. LOADS of good bits - I'd never liked babies before but completely adored DS1 (and now DS2 as well).
Yes it can be hard work, although IMO there were always upsides to it. It still is difficult at times, but the good bits do make up for it, for me.

However. There are people who wish they'd never had children. Still love them, but would have preferred to maintain their childfree existence.

The worst bit? You have no way of knowing which way you're going to turn out. I would have put a large sum of money on betting that I would regret having children - but I don't at all.

Trouble is, the only way to find out is to have them, and by then it's a bit too late if you find out you weren't cut out for it and it's really hard on the children if you decide that.

So for safety, you don't have children (in fairness to the would-be child as much as anyone!). But you could miss out on something you might really enjoy.

Could it be that your friends are making a point of presenting the less attractive side of parenting to you out of some kind of misplaced tact, because they don't want to feel like they're putting pressure on you to conform, or because they don't want to be seen as Smug Married types?

You need to tell him that you dont want children so he knows the score, that way he can decide what is important to him. Life with YOU, or life with a wife and children.

I didn't want kids at 28. I was adamant for lots of reasons that children weren't for me. Me and my OH didn't get married because I knew that he did want them and I didn't want us to have to go through the pain of a divorce.

We carried on for 4 years quite happily and then out of nowhere It was like I had been hit by a sledgehammer and I absolutely had to have a baby. Now 38, we have 2 girls and are only just planning the wedding.

Don't make any decisions now, if your OH isn't pressurising you just have fun for a few years, stay unmarried and see what happens.

elvsiosa's right. I wasn't ready at 28 either.

I didn't want babies in my 20s and I still don't want babies now (I'm 42 so not much of a window left!). I've always been open with my partners about not wanting children and it's been fine.
I was also sure I never wanted to get married, and still haven't changed my mind about that either.

You may be clobbered by a big biological clock or you might not. He has a longer window to have kids so could possibly wait around and see if you changed your mind. But as Quint says, the best way forward is open and honest discussion.

when I got with dp he was honest about the fact he Had had a vasectomy and I was fine with that because I'd never wanted children and was happy to be a step-mum.

fast forward 5 years and I had a complete change of heart, literally overnight, one day I was 29 and had no desire to have children, the next day I was 30 and desperately wanted a child.

it nearly broke us, I resented him for taking away my choice to have children, it's taken 6 months of talking but we've got through it, he has decided he would like another child and we have an appointment to see a specialist about a vasectomy reversal but my advice to you is if you really don't want children then don't get married because it will eat away at him until he resents you and that's not something I'd wish on anyone.