DP wants babies and I don't

[BigPawsBrown]

DP and I have always been on the same page about babies; we thought we might have them in the future but felt no need to do it now (I'm 28, he's 32).

I have had some set backs which mean I'm not where I want to be in my career yet and also unsure if I could handle having a baby and the exhaustion of it.

DP and I used to chat about how many of our friends had babies and how we had far more interesting (!) things to be getting on with. That chat has since stopped and DP seems to have fallen more on the side of wanting babies and I think that I might never want them.

I think DP wants to get married, and I wonder if we would be nuts to do so? Whenever we discuss it we end up going round in circles; I can't say for sure I never want children, DP says he thinks he does but it's not a deal breaker now but it might become one.

What do we do?

Agreeing that people do sometimes regret children, but it is incredibly difficult to acknowledge these feelings to yourself, let alone share them with anyone else. I really don't think you can assume that no one regrets a child just because they don't talk about it, how could they talk about it in the course of their general life, with family and friends? They probably love their child very much, so they keep their feelings hidden.

I know someone who has 3 boys, and she said to me after I had DS1 that I should stop at one, that although she loves her 3 boys, she really wishes, REALLY wishes that she had stopped at one.

I would have been ok to stop at one, DH preferred to have 2 and so far it's working out well, but DS2 is going to be a PITA, I can see it already. Still glad I have him though. :)

Most couples with children do shag.

I didn't want children at 28, or 30 or 32. I did want children at 33 and my then DP kept on with the 'maybe next year' until I left him aged 37 and had a baby with someone else through IVF.

Point being that you just can't ever KNOW for sure if you will change your mind. You may want to never have children, you may want them when you are 40, you may start wishing you had them when you are 55 and it's far too late.

The thing is - your DP DOES want them and as it stands now you DON'T and you really don't think you ever will so IMO it would be kinder to tell him this and let him decide if he's happy to wait for something that may never happen.

Definitely talk to him and don't marry him if he sees marriage as an IN to having children when you clearly are not sure.

I know it's a cliche but the baby stage is such a short stage that when people say they don't want children because of the pregnancy/not sleeping, I think they're focusing on the wrong bit - those parts are over with in the blink of an eye. I have 3 DCs close together so I had a few intense years of non-sleeping/bfing/pregnancy but now my youngest is 4, I can barely remember that time. I think the disadvantages of having children are much more profound and long-lasting:

• constant worry (and I'm quite laidback) ie, are my children safe/happy/doing well etc, and I don't think this ever eases up.

• money - a family costs a lot! You will be substantially worse off

-career - My DCs' school is full of clever well-educated mothers who have not worked for years because it's just so difficult juggling the two. It is possible but it's very hard work.

But, but, but, still the advantages for me at least far outweigh the disadvantages - happiness, contentment and fulfilment on a daily basis that comes from being a family unit. Plus, other children may be annoying but your own are funny and adorable and give me a sense of purpose that I didn't have in my 20s.

Anyway, as someone else has aid, you're young, there's no need to decide yet - be open and honest with your DP and agree to discuss again in a year or so's time. You're 30% convinced you may want children - to me, that's not enough reason to break up over this.

Fabulous Idiot - "Point being that you just can't ever KNOW for sure if you will change your mind."

How do you explain those childfree people that said they always knew they didn't want kids. That said this in their teens, 20s, 30s, 40s and hit their 50s and 60s and not have one ounce of regret for not having children? Are they deluding themselves?

Of course many people change their minds. But many don't.

Those people didn't change their minds Jessica, but they couldn't have known when they were younger that they never would, could they?

"Fabulous Idiot - "Point being that you just can't ever KNOW for sure if you will change your mind."

How do you explain those childfree people that said they always knew they didn't want kids. That said this in their teens, 20s, 30s, 40s and hit their 50s and 60s and not have one ounce of regret for not having children? Are they deluding themselves?

Of course many people change their minds. But many don't."

erm - that was my point.

I think perhaps you have misunderstood and think I am telling the OP that they will change their mind and want them? Actually I was saying that it is absolutely impossible to know if she will change her mind and want them, just as it is absolutely impossible to know if she won't.

She is basically asking an unanswerable question.

You've definitely interpreted something from my post that wasn't there.

I have no DC. Of course I won't ever know for sure that was the right choice and I may get broody at a tricky age. I have never wanted to hold a baby though and I don't think they're cute (or no cuter than any baby mammal), so that part of our biology is lost to me.

I do not know what broody feels like. I would love to understand it. I do understand what horny feels like (in a let's just do it and I don't think about contraception) but that doesn't mean in the cold light of day I want babies (in much the same way as I know what it's like to want to smack someone in the gob, but I don't want to be lifted so good sense is borne out).

I know many regretters, including MIL. She loves DP but wouldn't repeat it given many isolating years at home and total destruction of career.

Posy - I didn't know what broody was, and didn't have any urge to hold babies or coo over them right up until I had DS1. I didn't like children that much and had no issue with ascribing awful intentions to even the tiniest of babies. All changed when DS1 came out and not a moment before then.

I'm not for one minute suggesting that it might be the same for you and/or that you should give it a go - just saying that these things can change even if you think they are lost to you.

Oh Thumbwitch I completely agree, which is why DP and I have an open dialogue on this. I want to know the minute he thinks he might want a family and vice versa because while we made a decision and a commitment is forthcoming, we both understanding things can change.

Also the same as I said above, but with the correct grammar...

This is what happens when I write something and revisit it for grammar. A in higher English going to waste

Bigpaw it's like I was writing your posts in a way.

I'm a little further on than you, 30 and DH and I have been married 3 years (together 10, he's 29).

We um and ahh about children CONSTANTLY. One minute I'm "Yes I want them", a week later I can't think of anything worse. I overthink absolutely everything, and plan things to death. On the weeks I've decided we should have children I've researched childcare, hospitals, when would be the best time to conceive to ensure the best 'birth date' etc etc. Then when I go back to not wanting them I research about the worse things about having children, I read some of the threads from strung out women who've had no sleep. I can't imagine giving up mine and DH's perfect little twosome to have a screaming child...

I don't think it's a dealbreaker really, because I don't think you can really be 100% certain you never want them.

I should say that my DH shares my thoughts regarding children, he said that he'd like them 'one day' but is in no rush to make a decision. He's also said if I decided I didn't want them then he'd be fine with that too. We panic fairly regularly about how we would ever afford them to be honest!

My advice is to stop stressing about it. It's not the right time for you now, you don't need to go about splitting up with your OH because of it!

On the affording them front - while they're not exactly free, they don't have to cost what the papers suggest they do - DS1, for e.g., the only thing I bought new for him was a very PFB organic natural mattress and bedlinens, because I'd spent literally nothing else on him. I was given or lent pretty much everything else; of course I did have to buy extra clothes and so on, but friends and family kitted him out almost entirely for the first 3 months.

Those figures they put in the papers/magazines are based on people buying everything new and having pretty much every baby accessory known to man, half of which aren't really necessary.

So they're not that expensive, unless you want them to be. :)

happygoluckyinOz - "I don't think it's a dealbreaker really, because I don't think you can really be 100% certain you never want them."

I'm 40 and, so far, never ever even for a second wanted children. I know other people who say the same. In the same way I also know I will never want a pot-bellied pig as a housepet.

Actually it's his call, as long as you make sure he knows how you feel. If he is to marry you he better be damn sure that he will be happy living without children and that he will never blame you for that. He needs to want to be with you enough to sacrifice that. If he wants children more than he wants you then he shouldn't marry you. All you can do it make your feelings clear but it would be a HUGE mistake to get married before this discussion has reached a conclusion.

This is 1 situation where it does matter who is the man and who is the woman here. If it is the woman who thinks they may never want kids you have a lot longer to figure this out. Mens biological clock has a lot more time on it.

In this case, because neither of you are sure about what you want, I think you jave a few more years before you come to a crunch point. You have a good while to really settle your feelings

I would not ve saying this if it were the other way round though. In reality in 6 or 7 years time you could decide kids def werent for you, he could decide that it was a deal breaker for him. You could split up and he would have plenty of time to go on and find someone he could have a family with. If it were the other way around though, in 6 or 7 years time your fertility could be declining and starting again at that point COULD be an issue.

Thanks for so many thoughtful replies. I too don't really know what broody feels like and am quite logical so wouldn't have a baby based on that (unless it was completely all consuming?)

How firm do I have to be with DP? I say I probably don't want kids, are you aware of this..... Etc and he is like, oh let's not talk about that now! I am just worried he might propose and then I'll really have to spell it out to him that this means he is choosing me.

Do you know how you would feel if you hadn't had the setbacks ?

Would you have a mortgage now if things had gone to plan ?

God yeah, I'd be earning twice what I earn now and would definitely have bought a house

But would it have influenced how you felt about having children ?

I don't know - I don't know how to answer that because it is what it is (glandular fever ruined my life for a good three years...). I can't imagine my lie without that having happened so unsure whether it was caused by that or if I would always have felt this way. Am ambitious so not sure I would ever have felt 'up' for mat leave.

DP wouldn't mind being stay at home husband, but he far, far outearns me at the moment.

Basically, I think in your situation it works like this:

1. Your responsibility is to be as open with your DP as you have on these boards about your feelings. I think you should suggest he takes what you feel very seriously since the best indication you have of your future state of mind is your current state of mind.

2. Your DH's responsibility is to go away and think about it whether he can accept not having children before pushing on with the marriage idea. He should take his time, and take it really seriously. If he can't accept the idea you probably ought to separate. He may think that he can accept it and later change his mind - but you should avoid that if possible.

I have a son and another one on the way and have never regretted being a mum (I also love my career). But equally I've got friends who don't want children for what seem to me to be very good reasons and they might well regret it if they forced themselves to have them.

There IS considerable grind, sacrifice of time and resources etc in being a parent. I know plenty of people who don't regret them, but who have definitely been unhappier since children because it they just haven't had the resources any more to enjoy life. I know others who absolutely adore parenthood.

IMO whether one actually enjoys having kids comes down to a complex mixture of factors including resources (it helps being fairly well-off, supportive partner and family, good health) and inclination - having kids is core to some people whatever their circumstances.

I suppose I'm trying to say that it's a really personal decision and you've got to stand by your gut instinct and ask your partner to find his.