DP wants babies and I don't

[BigPawsBrown]

DP and I have always been on the same page about babies; we thought we might have them in the future but felt no need to do it now (I'm 28, he's 32).

I have had some set backs which mean I'm not where I want to be in my career yet and also unsure if I could handle having a baby and the exhaustion of it.

DP and I used to chat about how many of our friends had babies and how we had far more interesting (!) things to be getting on with. That chat has since stopped and DP seems to have fallen more on the side of wanting babies and I think that I might never want them.

I think DP wants to get married, and I wonder if we would be nuts to do so? Whenever we discuss it we end up going round in circles; I can't say for sure I never want children, DP says he thinks he does but it's not a deal breaker now but it might become one.

What do we do?

This is almost the exact scenario in my relationship when we were planning to get married (I was 27, DH was 31). We got married anyway, and 4 years later I decided that I probably would like kids after all. Now we have two and it's all fabulous.

So it worked out fine for us. But basically one of you has to change your mind for it to work out for you. So I'm not necessarily advocating my approach.

Do you really believe that having a child is all boring, shitty drudgery? It's really not.

Many parents love nothing more than to relate horror stories to childless couples. Not sure why.

I'm sure there are plenty of people who have cold-feet about taking the plunge. I don't think I know anyone, however, who has ever regretted having a baby.

Thank you all for such thoughtful responses!

But how DO we sort something out that is hypothetical and unknown? At the moment I feel like I could end up wanting them and him not. There are so many unknowns. How can we sort it out now, PAs?

Re drudgery etc, I don't know, but I think the good aspects of having children are quite intangible and not quantifiable e.g. unconditional love - never felt it, really, so don't understand it/know what it's like. Whereas not sleeping/shagging/never having lie ins/going out alone rarely/nice holidays I can imagine begrudgingly

clam that really helps. I could do with having an accident tbh. Am an over thinker!!

Why do you have to sort it out now?

Clam I hope we don't, but some posters think I should. Just was hoping someone could tell me to continue as I am really, not that I should 'set DP free'.

Clam totally off topic but your dog is AMAZING. I would like a dog baby

He is!

I would also love a dog baby (instead of a real baby) and am really scared about the thought of starting a family! (I'm 29, DH is 38, we got married in June, he is very broody, I'm too busy at work/social life/signing up to run half marathons etc to even think about it)... I totally understand where you are coming from BigPaws, I also have the fear of being at home all day, stretch marks, no lie ins etc.

You get your lie-ins by taking a morning each at weekends. The one on duty is not allowed to disturb the other (unless there is blood) before a set time. You make sure you each have equal "down" time, and you as the woman must not feel obliged to use your "time off" for housework.
If breastfeeding, I made sure mine would take a bottle every now and again, so Friday night was my "go to sleep in the spare room and get 7 hours unbroken sleep" while dh sorted them out.
Stretch marks? Pfft - the least of my worries, but if it's a concern, get yourself down the gym as often as you want.
Home all day - either go back to work, part-time if you can, and whilst a SAHP, make sure you network like mad and get out of the house at least once a day to meet people.
Make sure (as far as possible) your baby is tolerant to noise (no tiptoeing around while they're asleep - washing machine/television/hoover) and sociable and try to get them used to sleeping where they're put, so you can take them with you to friends' houses in the evenings and park them in a travel cot while you get pissed socialise.
I acknowledge that we might have just been lucky with good sleepers and sociable babies, but that's how I got by.
And if I'm honest, I still look at some other people's babies and think

I wasn't ready at 28 either tbh. I enjoyed my hols abroad x 3 a yr and my nice car etc. Then when I was 32 I was told I couldn't have children without help! I was devastated. My choice had been taken away. Anyway, a couple of times without contraception and along came dd1. I couldn't have imagined life without her. Then came along dd2. What did I do with my time before they arrived?!
Tbh OP I think you still have time to make up your mind. Good luck x

I have genuinely never met anyone who regretted having children. Sure some of it is hard and a few people don't cope too well (often those with other problems like alcohol or drug dependency) but babies and the people they grow into are quite literally the best thing that ever happens to many women. Not all of them were hanging out in BabyGap for years either...

I wasn't sure I'd ever have children. I had no maternal feelings, no broodiness to speak of. I got to 35 and thought well if I am going to have children I ought to have them now.

I have two DC- I enjoyed both my births ( not everyone has a horror story) and I loved the baby stage (most people don't) but I do find parenting all consuming and very hard at times.

You can ,however, make it easier or harder for yourself as besides temperement (which you can do nothing about) parenting style does count for a lot.

So whilst I have been having disturbed nights and children in my bed for 5 years, there's no guarantee you would as you might decide to put your baby in their own room, get them into a routine early on. You might decide to formula feed or express milk not insist on breastfeeding them until they are toddlers. You might practise benign neglect not helicopter parenting.

As for lie-ins it depends entirely on your relationship. If your Dp does his share of parenting you will find it easier than those whose partners don't pull their weight.

I don't lie-in because I've lost the ability to do so. I can't switch off whilst the children are in the house.

As for the things you can't do, you may find that the tiniest things give you so much pleasure when you are a parent- a cup of tea in peace at the end of the day is my idea of heaven. I no longer want to go out socially. I don't miss drinking. If you do you just have to find ways round it, socialise/entertain at home, go out seperately or book a baby sitter.

It was only when I became a parent that I really knew what I wanted to do and realised just how much I had wasted my childfree years. I am now working towards realising these ambitions despite having children.
You never know how it will change you but it will change you for better or worse.

Do not go into it lightly though. I am glad I have my children (even though on bad days you are on your knees) but I do think I could have lived happily without them too.

I was completely and utterly honest with DP about my lack of desire for children. To the point of hammering home:

• we're the same age, if you get broody at 40 and you've married me you're out of options bar divorce
• I will not necessarily change my mind.
• I might change my mind, but if this is what we sign up for, I don't expect you to change yours either, leading back to (1)

I think he thought I was being a bit mental at first (no big deal etc), but as more of our friends have kids (we're 32) he's starting to get it. He is very good with children (I am not until about age 5), but I don't think either of us would partner well on the shitty bits (with each other or anyone else, unless we found a martyr!)

Hi Big, I believed I owed it to any child I brought into the world to be bloody sure I wanted it. That feeling never came. So I'm in my 40s and have no children. It's the right choice for me.

Thing is, a man doesn't have the same biological cut-off point as a woman does. If he decides in 10 years time that he is desperate to be a dad and you still don't want children, he can go and find a young-enough-to-breed woman and have some. This is simply not the same as a man dithering and stalling about parenthood while his broody partner sees her fertility fade away.

You are very young to be worrying about this, but it's also true that there are no guarantees in life. You might change your mind. He might change his mind. If you get married/buy a house, one of you might subsequently fall in love with someone else and run off - or be killed by a frozen chunk of piss falling from an aeroplane.

And, you know, if you marry and then divorce a few years down the line it's not the end of the world. It's fine to end a marriage that isn't working.

SGB is right. I had a friend some years back who was in a marriage where he didn't want children, but she started to. They couldn't reconcile their different feelings so they divorced, fairly amicably, she then met an older man who already had children so apparently didn't want any more, but he changed his mind and they had 3 babies in quick succession! She's so much happier now.

Look, you both have time on your side so in reality, you can continue as you are for a few more years. But if your DP is already starting to get broody, he might start to put pressure on you, which could break the relationship anyway, or you might give in and have children. No one has a crystal ball that can tell them what will happen so you just have to make the best choices you can at the moment with the information you currently have.

Agree you don't need to be worrying about this right now OP. Like I said, DH and have been together 10 years and still not had that urge to either definitely have/not have them. At your age I had no clue if I wanted them or not - loads of other people have said the same.

Would you seriously consider ending it with your DP because you can't resolve the issue right now? If not, stop worrying.

"I don't think I know anyone, however, who has ever regretted having a baby."

Perhaps those of you who have children and are obviously happy about it never get to hear the honest opinions of couples who are not that happy. As a person without children (by choice) who likes to talk about the subject in a friendly, non-judgemental way, I have to say I know MANY couples who would not have children if they could turn back the clock. As many as half of the parents I know. How do I know? They have told me.

So yes, you can regret having children, and the feeling is not only terrible, but makes you feel incredibly lonely and judged by other parents. Which is why possibly so many of you have never heard about it.

Echoing aurynne I also know several parents, male and female, who have told me that if they had their time again, they wouldn't have had children or, to the complete extreme, admitted they regretted it bitterly (for varying reasons). Parents will admit such things but probably only to people they know aren't going to think them a heartless bastard/bitch for saying it.