Hello. I'm a long-term MN fan but this is my first ever thread (just joined) so apologies if I do anything unmumsnetty. This is pretty long, so that's my first apology!
Before DS (6 months) was born, I had an excellent relationship with my PIL. I always felt loved and supported by them, and was really looking forward to watching them blossom into fantastic GPs. I have never ever had a cross word with my MIL and have always looked up to her, so when she offered (while I was pregnant) to look after our future DC for 2 days a week when I returned to work, DH and I were delighted to accept. I felt so privileged that she would offer, as I fully understand what a favour it is. (DS will be in nursery for 2 days a week also.)
However, then DS was born. I'm sure some of you who have had similar experiences can see which way this is going...but I didn't and got a massive shock. So: while my PIL are still the lovely, warm, funny, smart people they always were, they are completely obsessed with our DS and seem to think, probably unconsciously, that this is their time again and they will do it better than us. Fair enough, they are first-time GPs. I get that. But this attitude is making them (ok, I'm really sad to say mostly my beloved MIL) behave in ways that I am finding hard to deal with, and consequently I'm really worried about next year.
These ways include never once asking me ANYTHING in six months ie how I am (and DS was born by EMCS and nearly died), what I've been doing etc (we see them at least once a week - I always ask about their week and general lives), walking off with DS without a word and leaving me on my own, making pointed comments to DS like, "When I'M looking after you, you'll be eating PROPER FOOD and using the TOILET" (he'll be 12m!)...I know it all sounds so stupidly petty when I write it out, and I honestly wouldn't be here asking for your advice if all these things (and a 100 more, equally minor) happened alongside a general attitude of "But of course this is your DS and your turn and we're just here to love and support you." That attitude is completely absent and instead there is just an overwhelming feeling of itching to get their hands on DS and do things their (her) way. I don't feel respected or supported at all. DH feels this too but less sharply and is less bothered, so is happy for the 2 days a week to stand - I guess because it's his mum/parents it's easier for him.
Now when I look back I realise I have misread MIL's excitement (and she is one of those people who is completely gaga about babies anyway) ever since we told them I was pregnant - she has most definitely been excited for herself first (because she always hoped she would have a baby to look after) and us second. I feel like an irritating irrelevance and the family incubator.
So I have a big knot in my stomach when I think about next year. On one hand, I think I have to put our son first and learn to laugh off/manage the situation (tricky - DH's family don't talk directly about anything and I have spent ten years being uber-polite and respectful, a habit that is proving very hard to break), as he will indeed have a lovely time with her 2 days a week (I genuinely believe this.) And on the other, I think: how can I hand our son over to someone who, however subtly, acts like she is in direct competition with me? Shouldn't you have a very clear-cut, "I'm (we're) the boss and we can talk about anything at any point" relationship with the person/people looking after your child? But then of course, this is free GP care we're talking about, not a nursery...and should I really be causing a massive ruction for the sake of a principal? Am I just being self-righteous?!
I've been worrying about this for ages (months) and just don't know what to do, so any advice (however blunt!) is welcome.