MIL providing childcare after mat leave - am I right to be worried? Pls help!

[WestCountryBoil]

Hello. I'm a long-term MN fan but this is my first ever thread (just joined) so apologies if I do anything unmumsnetty. This is pretty long, so that's my first apology!

Before DS (6 months) was born, I had an excellent relationship with my PIL. I always felt loved and supported by them, and was really looking forward to watching them blossom into fantastic GPs. I have never ever had a cross word with my MIL and have always looked up to her, so when she offered (while I was pregnant) to look after our future DC for 2 days a week when I returned to work, DH and I were delighted to accept. I felt so privileged that she would offer, as I fully understand what a favour it is. (DS will be in nursery for 2 days a week also.)

However, then DS was born. I'm sure some of you who have had similar experiences can see which way this is going...but I didn't and got a massive shock. So: while my PIL are still the lovely, warm, funny, smart people they always were, they are completely obsessed with our DS and seem to think, probably unconsciously, that this is their time again and they will do it better than us. Fair enough, they are first-time GPs. I get that. But this attitude is making them (ok, I'm really sad to say mostly my beloved MIL) behave in ways that I am finding hard to deal with, and consequently I'm really worried about next year.

These ways include never once asking me ANYTHING in six months ie how I am (and DS was born by EMCS and nearly died), what I've been doing etc (we see them at least once a week - I always ask about their week and general lives), walking off with DS without a word and leaving me on my own, making pointed comments to DS like, "When I'M looking after you, you'll be eating PROPER FOOD and using the TOILET" (he'll be 12m!)...I know it all sounds so stupidly petty when I write it out, and I honestly wouldn't be here asking for your advice if all these things (and a 100 more, equally minor) happened alongside a general attitude of "But of course this is your DS and your turn and we're just here to love and support you." That attitude is completely absent and instead there is just an overwhelming feeling of itching to get their hands on DS and do things their (her) way. I don't feel respected or supported at all. DH feels this too but less sharply and is less bothered, so is happy for the 2 days a week to stand - I guess because it's his mum/parents it's easier for him.

Now when I look back I realise I have misread MIL's excitement (and she is one of those people who is completely gaga about babies anyway) ever since we told them I was pregnant - she has most definitely been excited for herself first (because she always hoped she would have a baby to look after) and us second. I feel like an irritating irrelevance and the family incubator.

So I have a big knot in my stomach when I think about next year. On one hand, I think I have to put our son first and learn to laugh off/manage the situation (tricky - DH's family don't talk directly about anything and I have spent ten years being uber-polite and respectful, a habit that is proving very hard to break), as he will indeed have a lovely time with her 2 days a week (I genuinely believe this.) And on the other, I think: how can I hand our son over to someone who, however subtly, acts like she is in direct competition with me? Shouldn't you have a very clear-cut, "I'm (we're) the boss and we can talk about anything at any point" relationship with the person/people looking after your child? But then of course, this is free GP care we're talking about, not a nursery...and should I really be causing a massive ruction for the sake of a principal? Am I just being self-righteous?!

I've been worrying about this for ages (months) and just don't know what to do, so any advice (however blunt!) is welcome.

[catellington]

Not quite the same but my DM has DD two days a week. We pay market rate for a nanny which is lots more than cm who has her the other days.

My DM is wonderful but very fixed in how things should be done. I wanted to do blw but it's not possible with her, she can't get it. We disagree on lots and I feel our relationship suffers.

If the cm gets space on the other days ideally I'd like to use her but I know it will be reall tough to tell DM. She basically thinks dd is her baby.

It is hard because until I am a gp myself I can't really empathise with her iykwim so not sure if I'm being unfair

[catellington]

Sorry to clarify - we pay DM the amount which would be market rate for a nanny

[Ohfuckohfuckofuck]

No point in me commenting really. Just wanted to say, I've been here and now I'm a SAHM. Your mil sounds like mine and I only have to look at my niece and nephew who she parents (sil gave up trying) to see that I don't want hat for my dc.

Good luck, but you must do what's best for your ds and your family in the long run.

[mewkins]

Hiya,
Wanted to offer some reassurance. ... my dm has looked after dd since I returned to work when she was 7mo. Before returning I was worried (dm made comments about looking forward to having dd to herself with a glint in her eye!) But....it jas worked brilliantly! Dd and dm are thick as thieves and have such a lovely relationship. Of course we haven't agreedon eeverything but neither will you with someone paid to look after your child. We talk about things like adults. Dd is now at preschool but loves the time she sp spends with her nanna. She has never had any separation anxiety or worries about going to school etc.
Anecdotally I have heard that children who have lots of contact with older relatives have good social skills etc.

Obviously I don't know your pils but I wouldn't write them off as toxic or unsuitable to look after your ds just yet. Have a talk to them and give them a chance. When they are actually doing the job they will hopefully relax into it.

[123rd]

I would never use in laws for day to day child care. Lots of the same reasons that have been mentioned. And my mil retired at the same time as DD was born-coincidence ?? I think not! Anyway can you not say that you wouldn't want to use them for babysitting during the week and then wouldn't feel able to ask them on a Saturday night etc?

[angeltattoo]

Walking off with your newborn PFB is not a small thing. It is a massive thing, as she would have known, being a mother herself.

This will only work if you feel comfortable, and to do that you need to have a frank and calm conversation with ILs. State what you want, hear what their thoughts are, agree on s trial period if you are both happy. Tell them that this will only work if all concerned and are open and honest. You will put DS first at all times, you are a parent now and his well being is your only concern. If you can have such a conversation, tell them you and DH will need to look at all options open to you, discuss it between yourselves and come back to them. You need to see some CMs and nurseries too, to fully inform your decision.

A PP had it right upthread; she is testing your boundaries. Call her on every comment, everytime. This doesn't have to be confrontational; a simple 'what do you mean?' Will force her to explain her fucking passive aggressive offhand comments to the baby. Responses can be met with 'well, obviously as his parents we'll be doing what we think best', very polite, but firm too and leaves no room for doubt.

Your son needs you to be strong OP. my own DM has waited a long time for a first GC, and is a bit crazy giddy at the thought of doing childcare. From day one, I have made it clear that big decisions made by us as parents are what goes. Because I am comfortable that she knows and respects this, in turn little things I would be able to let go e.g. Chocolate at Nanna for example.

Good luck!!

[angeltattoo]

It's not unsalvageable, but if is only possible if you have the convo above, and revisit it regularly.

Tell them when you look at nurseries and CMs, you are discounting any that do not follow your parenting methods - lay it on thick, stating your expectations of a childcare provider whilst taking about nurseries two can play the PA game

[catellington]

Like the positive story mewkins

[WestCountryBoil]

Tons of great points here. It sounds so obvious - OF COURSE we need to have an open and frank chat. Why on earth wouldn't you?! And yet the thought of it makes me so nervous, which is insanely cowardly. I can just imagine how supremely awkward and chilly it would be. But I can't not address this simply to avoid awkwardness. (Wet blanket klaxon.)

Need to give myself homework - start a convo next time I see them about, oh anything that's turned out to be contentious (like weaning! Such a cliche) and persevere, even when they don't respond. I almost feel I need MIL to sort of show her hand in full view, if that makes sense.

To those that asked about the 'proper food' comment, I just realised I didn't give you the full quote. It was "...eating proper food. Like spaghetti hoops." DH made a not entirely enthusiastic noise and she said "it was good enough for you! I have done this before, you know."

I sat there thinking, done what - raised a child?! Because you aren't raising one now, madam. We are!

[WestCountryBoil]

And I second that thank you, mewkins, for sharing a positive story!

[3boys3dogshelp]

There are some really harsh responses on this thread! I can understand why you are concerned op, but to me this situation definitely sounds salvageable. We have used a combination of dm and nursery for childcare for the last 4 years and for us it works really well. I agree with pp that family to help when they first start nursery and are Ill every week are a godsend. I also really feel that my children have really benefitted from having a close relationship with their gps. It has not been plain sailing and there are times when I bite my tongue as they are not doing things how I would but guess what?? Sometimes they were right and what they did was better :-). Sometimes I ask them not to do things again. If you used to get on really well are you sure this is entirely a mil problem and not partly a not wanting to leave ds problem??
I suggest you start to stand up for yourself a little more now and see how they take it - if badly use nursery, if they're ok give them a try.
Sorry for the terrible grammar!

[angeltattoo]

Well done. It's a really good thing that you've recognised the situation, and now you can think of potential solutions and responses such as 'we'd have to discuss it as his parents, and do what we feel best', so at least she can't ambush you ad wrongfoot you.

You need to imagine us all standing behind you, if it helps

[Ollybear]

I could have written your post pretty much word for word. It is infuriating and has caused quite a lot of friction in my relationship with DP. I could not entertain the idea in the end and DD has started nursery 2 times per week. MIL made a comment and I said the idea is for her to socialise with other children, end of. I would have hated her looking after DD because of all the frustrations you outlined. Good luck - I really feel for you.

Why do these MIL think the children are theirs? They had their time! They did it already before!! It's our time now!!

[HorryIsUpduffed]

Ah yes. That kind of "proper food". Like no-added-sugar squash instead of water. Ah yes.

[DontmindifIdo]

Returning to work, leaving your PFB with someone is hard - it's upsetting anyway when you are 100% happy with the care you have in place, if you are in anyway unsure about your baby's care, you're going to be a mess. Don't do it to yourself if you can afford nursery.

It might be "ok" but quite frankly, most of us want better than "ok" for our DCs (both PFB and later ones!).

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

It may well be that no matter how politely you approach MIL, she will flip out anyway because it doesn't work to her advantage. You already feel ill at ease about raising any such issues with her and have commented on her being both sulky and defensive.

Boundaries need to be raised by both you and DH as of now. If DH cannot do this (and he may well cave when faced with his mother), you're going to have to do this solely.

[WestCountryBoil]

3boys3dogshelp re 'is it a leaving DS problem' - good question but I don't think so. If I imagine him in nursery 4 days a week instead of two I feel relieved. Like I can imagine being at my desk and being at peace, because there's nothing gnawing away at me.

Well if nothing else this thread and the more robust answers (which I absolutely needed) have made me face up to the fact I'm doing my son a disservice by not being more assertive. I can't bear the thought of being all mousey and quiet around the PIL when i should be speaking up when he's old enough to see the difference in me.

[WestCountryBoil]

And ho ho at the thought of you all standing behind me when I'm nipping those comments in the bud! Seeing as I always imagine you each as looking a bit like your usernames...

[CircassianLeyla]

Been there OP like so many others here. In fact reading this thread has made me cry and it was seven years ago!! On that basis please don't do it.

[FrequentFlyerRandomDent]

I was in nursery all week while my mum worked. I am fine now.

Do what will make you, and thus your baby, happy.

[TotallyKerplunked]

Paid childcare OP, really, I'm stuck in a situation now with PIL looking after DS 4 mornings a week, its only been a month and its a nightmare. We had a long chat with them prior to it starting and felt uneasy but felt on balance that DS would benefit from a good relationship with his GP.

Like your PIL they changed after DS was born and I realised they were nice to me up til that point just to provide the PFB GC. Nothing I say parenting wise is even acknowledged, nothing we chatted about has been taken any notice of and the behaviour difference in DS is shocking. (DH will not tackle his parents at all even though he agrees with me)

A few examples of our differing parenting style include PIL refusing to let DS nap (he's 2), refusing to take him to any of the prepaid groups they agreed to, winding DS up with constant noise until he has a meltdown (I'm mad apparently as all children love loud noise for 4 hours straight), harassing my DM who has DS 1 morning a week telling her how to look after him and making DS refer to me as Kerplunk instead of mommy. I'm looking at alternative childcare now.

[curlew]

Bear in mind that on mumsnet, the very sight of the letters MIL bring out the green pen brigade, West.
Children are not stupid. Your son will always know that you are his mum and grandma is grandma. And it does them no harm at all to be looked after by people with different styles. (Within reason, obviously). Spaghetti hoops for tea one day a week isn't going to do him any harm- my dd still remembers turkey dinosaurs with granddad. And a good relationship with grandparents is a very precious and valuable thing.

[lookingfoxy]

I wouldn't write her off completely. I am often made to feel like an incubator by both my own mum and dp's. They just find the kids as cute as I do and can't wait to get their hands on them.
I know I will get flamed but is it really the end of the world if they get spaghetti hoops once a week if you know they'll be having a great time with granny.
I would play it by ear and just address any issues as they arise.

[ZenNudist]

You need to have ds in nursery 4 days a week. Fwiw I do this (from 1yo, now 3) and its great for him and me.

I don't have gp childcare as an option. Your MIL sounds horrible. I'm sorry. Just where your parenting is concerned. She will totally undermine you and it will affect your ds.

One of my friends got no choice & his MIL does all childcare. It has been to his sons detriment. The manipulative cow puts all sorts of weird ideas into his head. DON'T go there!

2 days pw is a huge amount of time to be under the influence of one overbearing person. Let alone your MIL seeing it as her right to dictate how your ds is raised. A nursery won't do this. They will support you to raise your child as you see fit within some good guidance.

Just find a nursery you like. Sign up. Present it as a done deal. Tell her you've done her a favour. Incur her wrath just once over a big issue rather than week in week out conflicts over 3-4 years where you lose. Stand firm. Make sure dh stands firm too.

Be honest if need be and say you don't want day to day parenting issues to be a battle ground. Tell her you want her to focus on having a good relationship with her dgc not burdened with caring responsibilities.

[lookingfoxy]

Oh and its a grans job to sneak them treats apparently, my mum has a drawer full of tooth rotting crap for all the grand kids.