MIL providing childcare after mat leave - am I right to be worried? Pls help!

[WestCountryBoil]

Hello. I'm a long-term MN fan but this is my first ever thread (just joined) so apologies if I do anything unmumsnetty. This is pretty long, so that's my first apology!

Before DS (6 months) was born, I had an excellent relationship with my PIL. I always felt loved and supported by them, and was really looking forward to watching them blossom into fantastic GPs. I have never ever had a cross word with my MIL and have always looked up to her, so when she offered (while I was pregnant) to look after our future DC for 2 days a week when I returned to work, DH and I were delighted to accept. I felt so privileged that she would offer, as I fully understand what a favour it is. (DS will be in nursery for 2 days a week also.)

However, then DS was born. I'm sure some of you who have had similar experiences can see which way this is going...but I didn't and got a massive shock. So: while my PIL are still the lovely, warm, funny, smart people they always were, they are completely obsessed with our DS and seem to think, probably unconsciously, that this is their time again and they will do it better than us. Fair enough, they are first-time GPs. I get that. But this attitude is making them (ok, I'm really sad to say mostly my beloved MIL) behave in ways that I am finding hard to deal with, and consequently I'm really worried about next year.

These ways include never once asking me ANYTHING in six months ie how I am (and DS was born by EMCS and nearly died), what I've been doing etc (we see them at least once a week - I always ask about their week and general lives), walking off with DS without a word and leaving me on my own, making pointed comments to DS like, "When I'M looking after you, you'll be eating PROPER FOOD and using the TOILET" (he'll be 12m!)...I know it all sounds so stupidly petty when I write it out, and I honestly wouldn't be here asking for your advice if all these things (and a 100 more, equally minor) happened alongside a general attitude of "But of course this is your DS and your turn and we're just here to love and support you." That attitude is completely absent and instead there is just an overwhelming feeling of itching to get their hands on DS and do things their (her) way. I don't feel respected or supported at all. DH feels this too but less sharply and is less bothered, so is happy for the 2 days a week to stand - I guess because it's his mum/parents it's easier for him.

Now when I look back I realise I have misread MIL's excitement (and she is one of those people who is completely gaga about babies anyway) ever since we told them I was pregnant - she has most definitely been excited for herself first (because she always hoped she would have a baby to look after) and us second. I feel like an irritating irrelevance and the family incubator.

So I have a big knot in my stomach when I think about next year. On one hand, I think I have to put our son first and learn to laugh off/manage the situation (tricky - DH's family don't talk directly about anything and I have spent ten years being uber-polite and respectful, a habit that is proving very hard to break), as he will indeed have a lovely time with her 2 days a week (I genuinely believe this.) And on the other, I think: how can I hand our son over to someone who, however subtly, acts like she is in direct competition with me? Shouldn't you have a very clear-cut, "I'm (we're) the boss and we can talk about anything at any point" relationship with the person/people looking after your child? But then of course, this is free GP care we're talking about, not a nursery...and should I really be causing a massive ruction for the sake of a principal? Am I just being self-righteous?!

I've been worrying about this for ages (months) and just don't know what to do, so any advice (however blunt!) is welcome.

A good friend of mine was relying on her MIL to look after DD for one day a week (having dropped a nursery day to enable this), and then there was a big bust up row about parenting approaches (as set out above really)...and now my friend is in the lurch. Back at work and no suitable childcare.

I would be as wary as you, but any discussion you now have is unlikely to have a very happy ending. Good luck. And by the way, mine both went to FT nursery, and have turned out well! They have benefitted from occasional GP care.

Tbh it sounds like a major disaster waiting to happen.

She already makes statements about being the better "mother" even though she hasn't even started looking after your child.
To me it sounds like she is testing the water with you, finding out what you will put up with.

And you do put up with these comments, am I right?

You have a big knot in your stomach -> don't ignore!

I suspect too that you don't have the experience of dysfunctional parents and feel at a loss what's the right thing to do.
Your gut feeling is that is is not right. And it isn't.

In your situation I would book 4 days at nursery and get your dh to support you in this. There is no need to explain this to MIL, it won't go down smoothly at all that you have taken control of a situation she feels in control of.

Start being more assertive. The way they took your child and left without a comment sounds upsetting. No way I would let them walk over me like that (but then I have had experience of dysfunctional families).

Good luck with it all!

WestCountry you sound so much like me a few years back.

When DC1 was born I freely admit that my feelings towards PIL were irrational; I found it difficult to see that my daughter was part of their family, as even I didn't feel like family to them; DH and his parents are not massively close.

I went back to work just 3 afternoons a week when DD was 15 months old and let her go to MIL after a lot of soul searching.

And it didn't work. I felt I couldn't say what I really felt about certain things they did:

• trying to get her to sit on the potty at 15 months
• feeding her a disgusting amount of food, really sickened me actually
• let her sit there in full clothes, shoes etc, heating on, when she developed a really high temperature.

I upped my hours at work and used that as an excuse to send DD to a CM instead and immediately felt so much better and in control.

Like your DH, my DH and his family don't really talk about anything properly and I just felt I couldn't rely on him to sort out issues, although he did promise he would. But I rectified the situation before that came to pass, anyway.

If you're not comfortable, don't do it. That's the only advice I can give.

My MIL has cared for my children for around 4 years now, one day a week. She had my eldest from 12 months and my youngest has just started going to her now at nearly 2 (and she picks the older one up after school on the same day).

The first few months were difficult enough and we didn't have any of the challenges you have with yours. She had a much more supportive attitude than your MIL and clearly struggled with NOT SAYING what she thought we could do better. She'd try and replicate 'our way' (e.g. with how naps worked), fail (partly because she didn't buy into it) and clearly worry about it a lot.

Things only worked better once it dawned on me that there were more than one way of doing things, that DC1 coped with different approaches just fine and that what was needed was for ME TO ENABLE AND ENCOURAGE MIL to do things her way on that day a week, with certain limits. So, for example, whatever she did with naps she wasn't to let DC1 sleep past 4pm (or bedtime was a nightmare).

We had a frank talk about it all and it settled out really well. She'd been biting her tongue because she didn't want me to feel she was undermining our approach/routine etc. Please listen to that knot in your stomach - it can be hard enough when MIL has a supportive starting point, never mind when from the outset she seems set to oppose and undermine you.

I've no really useful suggestions, but I think you need to nip the talking-to-DS thing in the bud. I fecking hate that kind of thing.

'MIL, if you've got something to say about DS's care please say it to me, not him.'

If you are going to let MIL take care of your baby, then you will have to have a talk about rules. This should be a formal talk, where you set down what you him fed, your policy on smacking etc. Preferably put this in writing and ask her to countersign. Of course there will be a lot of resistance to this, she might storm out, she will almost certainly try to put pressure on your dh, but ultimately it is time to grow a pair, no one will stick up for your baby apart from you. And you should start by speaking up loudly when she takes ds away from you, not accepting that without comment. If you do not want him potty trained from 12 months, and fed "proper" food, and so on then you know what you need to do, and you will probably have to do this without much support from dh. I have been there too, and speaking out is not easy to start off with, but it will get easier with practice!

By the way, what's "proper food"? Are you BLWing and she thinks it's nonsense?

Given your circumstances, I would say you should go with the paid, formal childcare: this is the complete opposite of what happens in my family (to enable me to remain in employment) however, our family has very firm boundaries on who is who, and what is expected of us.

Tough situation. I don't know whether a bit of a compromise is for DS to go to nursery 4 days a week but once a week have him go until 3pm with your PIL's picking him up. So they get a bit of one to one time but not enough to do any damage!

Or you could start trying for number 2 so you are back on mat leave before you know it .

Hmmm my gps on both sides not involved as we live too far away so dd was in full time nursery from 10 months. What I would say is you will need backup care for the illnesses. Sometimes they're off nursery for at least a few days and they can get a different thing every week for a while (that's what it felt like!). If DH can take days off too you might cope but GPs can be good in these situations. Personally, I think DH should have a chat with his mother. It can be framed in more general terms, DH would make a point of talking in about how shockingly unsympathetic other people had been, they got the message. Does DH make strong statements to them about what a great mum you are, etc?

I think... I think it would make sense to have DS at nursery 4 days a week, for consistency, but to have a regular time when GPs get to look after him for a few hours as well, eg a couple of hours while his parents shop on a Saturday, say, or one evening a week when they pick him up from nursery and keep him till bedtime. This would allow decent bonding time for them (and a bit of free couple time for you!) but ensure they don't have undue influence. If it all works out splendidly as time goes on you could consider exchanging a nursery day or two for MIL days, whilst if things go massively pear-shaped on the IL front you won't be in the difficult position of having to find fill-in childcare at short notice.

Oh, someone already said it, only in far fewer words.

Thank you all so much for pitching in with your thoughts. (Sorry for my silence - been out for a few hours.) The idea of my MIL doing nursery pick-ups is a brilliant one! Or even maybe half-days rather than full days. I am going to have re-read and digest everything, lots of things have been said that have made me think. Consistency of care, what to do when they go on holidays etc - yes yes, this is exactly what I need to get my head around.

I re-read my initial post and can see I've let my emotions get the better of me in a few places - my PIL really are wonderful people most of the time (I don't think they're any more dysfunctional than anyone else!), and I know all this could be solved with just a good frank chat. In fact, if I'd had more of a backbone to begin with I could have nipped this in the bud 6 months ago, the first time she trotted off with the pram and off out of sight. (Such a small thing, but oh my new-mum, PFB heart!) As much as she is obsessed, I don't think she ever wanted to hurt me. But I suppose the fact that DH and I are both loathe to raise this with her because we don't think it would go well at all - she can be very defensive and sulky - tells me that regular childcare would be a minefield.

Choos123 He has said things on occasion (and to me all the time, which is lovely) and they sit there in silence! Not a judgemental silence, but just...silence. He once said to his mum, in a mild, humble tone, "...anyway, I think we're doing a good job, touch wood." And his mum just stared ahead and didn't say anything! That's rude, right?! How much would it cost to make a few noises of agreement, jeez...

"I re-read my initial post and can see I've let my emotions get the better of me in a few places - my PIL really are wonderful people most of the time (I don't think they're any more dysfunctional than anyone else!), and I know all this could be solved with just a good frank chat".

No to this being solved with just a chat because they are not at heart reasonable (and emotionally healthy) people. They disregard and will continue to disregard any boundaries you care to set.

Also "wonderful people" most of the time would not be so sulky and defensive, also a wonderful person would let you raise any concerns or issues. Both of you feel unable to do so because you know it won't go down at all well with this woman. She has already said a lot of horrible stuff (and she meant every word too) and has cast aspertions on your ability to feed your own child properly; this is not the behaviour at all of a wonderful person.

Wonderful? Don't you see that everything you write about them shows they are not going to be told what to do with their gc?

I know the silent treatment very well. It is not rude, it is calculated. And your dh responds in the way they want.

They very obviously undermine your ability as parents.

If you pay for 4 days a week nursery, it doesn't mean you have to have him there every single week. If you want to make the odd one - off arrangements with the PIL to have him from time to time, even for half a day, that might work. It might also give them their 'fix' without eating into your precious time with him.

Sorry that's not wonderful. My mil wcould just spontaneously tell me - you are doing a great job.

Your Dh sounds very fearful of them (would also guess at him feeling obligated and guilty too) and desperately seeks their approval even now. Approval they will never freely give. They have undermined and continue to undermine you ability as parents.

As MrsZimt stated, the silence is indeed calculated (and deliberate to boot). I am so sorry your ILs are ghastly as people, it is NOT your fault they are like this.

Goodness me you sound exactly like me! Absolutely trust your own intuition and judgement.

You ds will not benefit from being in a childcare setting that undermines his beloved Mum.

Really really go for nursery! This is a disaster waiting to happen!

I didn't act and our own disaster happened.

Oh dear, I am sounding like a right wet blanket! I suppose that's because I'm being one...I simply have to be more assertive, don't I? Anything else is pathetic. And I'm a right bolshy cow with my own family and at work! If anything, I've spent the past few years trying to rein myself in.

Do you know the famous 'cool girl' bit in Gone Girl? I feel like I've tried too hard to be a 'cool new mum' - oh so laid back, la la la - and it's backfired massively.

Imagine if you were looking for a nanny and found one who was sulky, defensive, ignored feedback, spoke to your child about you behind your back, denigrated your parenting and ignored the way you asked her to care for your child.
Would you employ her?

A good rule of thumb here is that if they are too difficult/inherently unreasonable/dysfunctional for you and DH to deal with, they are certainly too difficult for your young child to deal with.

OP- trust your instincts. My MIL is very aware of her role and mine but any time she strays anywhere near commenting in my parenting or our choices as parents, my hackles rise a mile high. She helps out on occasion but not regular GP care so it's ok but I'd listen very carefully to your gut. Before DC I got on very well w MIL. I would now say we're far less close because of comments she has made. She's broadly a good person but I WILL NOT have her undermine my parenting.