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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Abusive OH hassling me. I'm at my mums. Shall/can I report?

107 replies

WhatAPallava · 28/09/2013 22:59

Ridiculous abusive relationship with OH I can't take anymore culminated in a massive argument this evening in public and with my friends.

I am at my mums but he won't stop ringing and texting and threatening.

I am kind of scared, I don't know what to do.

I don't need to call 999 but should I report it to 101?

He is crazy and I don't trust him he will never let me leave him but this is it now

OP posts:

ButThereAgain · 29/09/2013 09:36

Good luck whatapallave. Stay strong. There is so much evidence, a lot of it already on record with the police, of this man's behaviour that you will be taken seriously and his denials etc won't fool people. Perhaps you could ask that your friends give evidence, too -- the onles he threatened for trying to protect you. I hope he is out of your life as soon as possible.

myroomisatip · 29/09/2013 09:37

I am very scared for you. Please do not go back without the Police, if you have to go back at all.

IMO this man is very dangerous.

Definitely get in touch with Womens Aid, please.

ButThereAgain · 29/09/2013 09:37

Tell the police everything, don't hold back, don't feel any doubt that all this stuff is worthy of reporting and entitles you to all the help the police etc can offer.

SpookyNameChange13 · 29/09/2013 09:50

EhricLovesTeamQhuay post is good, OP get everyone who can help you on board.

heartisaspade · 29/09/2013 09:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NettleTea · 29/09/2013 10:10

If you only just started work then I am guessing that the ' norm' of him looking after her hasn't been set, so get that changed as from now - either get a family member to do it or get her registered with a childminder ASAP. Assume from now that you are on your own.
He is from a different culture. His ideas are so ingrained that however much fun you had when you were free and single, those ideas about how you should be will kick in as soon as you have a child or are a fixed ' partner'. He may well have a personality disorder as well, but more than likely his fundamental beliefs are so deep and reinforced by his whole background and society that you will NEVER get him to think it is wrong. And he will NEVER change his mindset. If he mixes with people from his own culture then he will get reinforcement from them that he is right.
I am assuming he was not born here either. You will not be able to understand him. Don't even try. Society rules are so far removed from what we expect that it will drive you crazy to even begin to make head or tail of them. He is caught is an extreme dichotomy and it's playing out in front of you - he is living in a culture that is as far removed from what he knows as his expectations seem to you, and the conflicting between the benefits( like the freedoms afforded him here compared to his family obligations and society pressure of how he should behave, with elder family members always on the watch out, and apparent 'free sex' everywhere) means its probably completely done his head in. It's fried him. He expects to be able to control you. It will take him a long long long time to 'get' how it works here ( the driving without a licence, and no respect for the police or anyone is a symptom) and many girlfriends/ wives in his future are going to get hurt in the process. That's if he ever gets it. My ex came here in '95 and he still doesn't get it, although there are signs that he is beginning to get a little bit of it.

So you need to protect yourself. You are on the council tenancy. You need him removed and an injunction. Possibly a prohibitive steps order too. You need this because he will not take any notice of you or the court until they have banged him up a good 2-3 times. Then he might see. You need steps in place to protect your daughter. No contact now. Only supervised. You say he wouldn't hurt her, but a child is a possession, and a female child a pawn. The mentality is revenge. If you leave it makes him look bad and he needs to even the score. He will not kill himself, but if he threatens call the police and an ambulance. A psych assesment would be great and that might be one way to get one, so he would be doing you a favour to be honest. Lying and cheating and saying what they think you want to hear is again culturally ingrained in this particular personality type. Truth comes avery low second to perceived respect. Which means that he comes top. It's not totally down to his culture, because I have seen many many of his type who come here and play pick and mix with their own culture and this one, to choose the elements which suit them best.

Take care and whatever you do, don't engage further.

onefewernow · 29/09/2013 10:10

Please do not go back to that flat.

You know yourself why not.

Noregrets78 · 29/09/2013 11:17

You mentioned he might cause trouble with your family if one of them look after DD while you're at work? He doesn't need to know your movements, whether or not your at work, and who has DD. Having said that - would definitely be understandable to have a day off! But difficult when you only started 2 weeks ago..

Hope it goes well with the police.

Original poster

WhatAPallava · 29/09/2013 11:27

Haven't had much time to get online, will update later.

Thank you for your support and replies - everything nettletea wrote is completely spot on.

OP posts:

ouryve · 29/09/2013 11:49

If and when you go back to work, explain straight away to your HOD what is happening. That way, if you leave your daughter with your family and he plays up, it's not totally out of the blue if you have to leave in a hurry or can't go in, one morning.

Jux · 29/09/2013 11:56

Please tell all this to the police, and ask to be escorted home, and accompanied while he packs his bags and goes, if they can do that - tbh I don't know whether they can or not, but ai imagine they can. Get a locksmith asap.

See a solicitor tomorrow, some are still doing free half hour initial consultations

Above all call WA.

Featherbag · 29/09/2013 11:57

Please get the police to accompany you back to your flat while you gather your/DD's things, and remove him. Don't move back in yourself yet, get the locks changed and get an injunction ASAP to stop him coming near you! At this point I wouldn't even be letting him have DD, I'd want everything set out legally with as many 3rd parties involved as possible. You're doing so well honey xx

CupOCoffee · 29/09/2013 12:07

Where is he from?

What a scary, scary man! Sounds a lot like my abusive ex in a lot of ways (except he was English.)

CupOCoffee · 29/09/2013 12:09

I personally think that with the nature of his threats that i would do everything i could to make sure he never saw your child again (maybe, just maybe, supervised in a contact centre), but i think i would be moving away and not telling him where i was.

I also wouldn't trust him not to abduct her and try to leave the country. Not meaning to scare you. But he clearly sees you as processions.

Hissy · 29/09/2013 12:43

If what nettletea says resonates then we all 3 have had exposure to men from similar backgrounds.

I think i'm a bit older than nettle, and heaps older than you, so can fortell the future in case you're in any doubt.

This man will NEVER see what he's doing is wrong, because in his culture it simply ISN'T!

I tried for 10 years to have the relationship I thought we could have, but no. Not even baldly pleading to be able to have a life would make my ex think any differently.

Mine had been in London since the late 80s, since he was a teenager, but still, 20 years on he turned from being mildly controlling to being utterly tyrannical when the opportunity presented itself.

Your DD is at risk when with him. He's threatened his own life to get to you, his culture won't stop him here if you don't react. He's threatened you, stated you'll not take his DD, he could easily kill her, and you.

Don't go back. Call the council and explain the situation, get WA to help/advise you here too. Use every resource you can to establish that you are in a seriously dangerous DV relationship and need help to get out.

He's not strong so don't let him intimidate you. This is borne of weakness not strength, so don't allow him access to you or your DD.

Do everything you can to have him sent as far away from the pair of you.

Does he have a right to be here? What is his immigration status?

Bogeyface · 29/09/2013 12:45

Every mother of an abducted child once said "I know he wouldnt do that".

He could, he might, it isnt worth the risk. Find out if there is a marker that can be put on her passport, I am sure I read somewhere about children who are abduction risks being highlighted in this way so airport staff can pick up on them.

No contact away from a contact centre, no time alone, nothing.

Bogeyface · 29/09/2013 12:48

The point of abduction is to revenge themselves on the mother, not to do what is best for the child. He wont care that she is EBF or a co sleeper, he wont care that she will cry for you, he wont care that she wont be cared from properly.

He will only care about hurting you and keeping his "posession".

perfectstorm · 29/09/2013 13:00

If you report him to social services and show them the history they would actually take a VERY dim view of his having unsupervised contact, I suspect. Is there a friend or relative who could have your dd just while you sort out a childminder or nursery place? He really shouldn't be caring for her - this is not a stable man or a healthy environment. He's violent, controlling and abusive.

I'm so sorry you are in this situation. I hope the police are helpful tomorrow. And if you work part time and there's been DV you are entitled to legal aid, by the way. Not many are, but you will be. Which is something? So see a solicitor and get some legal action taken so he is forced to leave you alone.

perfectstorm · 29/09/2013 13:03

You sound very strong. As your flat is a council tenancy in your name, I suggest you make an appointment with the housing team ASAP and explain the circumstances, that he is occupying your home, you cannot return there for fear of yours and your baby's safety and you need to be put on the list to transfer with band A priority. Then you stay away from the place until you can move in somewhere else. They will have to secure the property and ge him out but they will have procedures to do that. It could take 6 months and they may want you to stay with your mother in that time but if you can't they will have to house you in a temporary flat.

This. And also the contact with SS the poster suggests, too. If you co-operate and they assess him as potentially dangerous to her wellbeing you will have backup if he ever tries to abduct her from your care.

I think this is more serious than you realise, to be honest. Your child is the single way he can guarantee getting at you.

Hissy · 29/09/2013 13:07

We are thé target for their hatred, for a variety of reasons which I can go into if important, but won't now for the sake of brevity.

Anything and I mean ANYTHING they can use to get to us/hurt us/destroy us, they will.

Our children, our friends, our family, anything. Everything and anything is collateral damage in thé quest for revenge/retribution/punishment.

They'll use religion often to justify it too.

DiaryOfAWimpyMum · 29/09/2013 13:18

My xh was like this, he still would be if he was allowed any contact with me.

I have no advice to add other than to stay strong and get him out of your life. You can have him thrown out if the house is in your name only, I had an interdict/restraining order taken out on my xh to remove him, it took around 2 weeks in total from lawyers to go to court and eventually him moving out.

No contact is the only way to go. It amazes me how many men are like this. I also contacted WA and worked with them most of last year, sadly my DC witnessed a lot so they had counselling too. We are all finished now and definitely on the other side of this horrid time.

Best of luck OP and keep posting.

Vivacia · 29/09/2013 14:06

Who is "they" hissy?

BillyBanter · 29/09/2013 14:13

I assume she means abusive partners and ex partners rather than some particular set of furriners.

That said there has been a bit of mention, with this particular abuser being foreign, so I'd point out that while some other cultures do have more formally set gender roles abuse is not automatic from that and 'our' culture produces plenty of abusive partners without any outside help.

Hissy · 29/09/2013 17:07

Abusers Vivacia.

It doesn't matter what language they speak, abusers are a breed of their own.

They pretty much ALL follow the same script the world over, just using different bollocks excuses to justify themselves.

I don't know where the OP's abuser comes from, and don't actually care. It's irrelevant.

What I do care about is showing her that culture is no excuse for threats, violence, intimidation, and no matter what justification is used, it's unacceptable.

With foreign abusers, it's easy to make allowances that we wouldn't if he were from Manchester, Bromsgrove or Beckenham.

Vivacia · 29/09/2013 17:19

I wasn't actually challenging a possibly racist implication, genuinely wasn't sure who you were referring to.

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