Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Abusive OH hassling me. I'm at my mums. Shall/can I report?

107 replies

WhatAPallava · 28/09/2013 22:59

Ridiculous abusive relationship with OH I can't take anymore culminated in a massive argument this evening in public and with my friends.

I am at my mums but he won't stop ringing and texting and threatening.

I am kind of scared, I don't know what to do.

I don't need to call 999 but should I report it to 101?

He is crazy and I don't trust him he will never let me leave him but this is it now

OP posts:
BillyBanter · 28/09/2013 23:28

Please call 101 (or even 999)
Tell them he's already hit you, already been to court
Tell them what happened tonight.

Switch your mobile off.

then phone WA and talk about how you get this man out of your life.

If he comes to your DM's house call 999.

ouryve · 28/09/2013 23:30

Put your phone on silent and put it in a room where you can't hear it. That way, you will have the texts on record but won't be riled by them.

Good on your for phoning 101. Stay strong.

AmberLeaf · 28/09/2013 23:30

Definitely call the police.

Noregrets78 · 28/09/2013 23:41

Agree - definitely 101 then 999 if he turns up. You can also tell them that he's threatening suicide - they can go round and make sure he's not. Will be the opposite of what he's expecting you to do.

Original poster
WhatAPallava · 28/09/2013 23:45

I phoned 101. They've linked my mums address to my phone number in case I call off of it (my mums out for the evening).
They've given me a CAD number and I'm to go to the station tomorrow to discuss it properly and show messages etc.

He was trying to call whilst I phoned 101 but it was busy.
So his last texts were "See your phone's busy. I know you're out" and then "you're fucked"

OP posts:
ouryve · 28/09/2013 23:48

Good. Now put your phone on silent, where you can't hear it and try to get a bit of rest, even if it's snuggling under a blanket with some shite TV and a cuppa.

pictish · 28/09/2013 23:50

How dare he?!
I think putting the phone on silent in another room is a great idea. If he turns up, you call 999!

Original poster
WhatAPallava · 28/09/2013 23:57

Yes it's on silent, DD is fast asleep next to me.

Wish I could sleep!

He's utterly shocked that I've said I don't want to be with him. I'm a disgusting two faced slag etv etc.

I care for him because he is my daughters father but I don't love him.

I don't know what's going to happen. He's made so many comments that he'd never let me split up with him whilst he's alive.
I wish he was a normal man who would accept we have no relationshi

OP posts:
Original poster
WhatAPallava · 28/09/2013 23:58

*accept we have no relationship and leave me alone.

OP posts:
Noregrets78 · 29/09/2013 00:09

I spoke to the police after I got veiled threats and non-specific threats. He never said exactly what he was planning on doing to me, and therefore did not consider them threats.

The police were great, in the end all they did was phone him up (and put him on loud speaker), get him to agree what he'd done, inform him unacceptable, and what the potential next steps would be if he didn't agree.

It worked wonders and he's backed off now. Hope they're helpful. Bolt the doors make sure you feel safe, and try to get some sleep. You're doing the right thing.

Jux · 29/09/2013 00:18

Excellent that you've phoned 101, well done. Please don't hesitate to call 999 if he turns up. Also, probably better you continue to ignore calls and texts for the oment, but do keep them to show the police tomorrow.

Now, it will be hard to sleep, but try to have a sleep so you are on top of things tomorrow for your dd's sake.

Also, congratulations on taking decisive action this evening, and going to your mum's. Do you have what you need to get through the next couple of days? Take advice from the police about the occupation of your flat. I think that as it's your name only on the tenency then you can change the locks, but you may have to contact your LL first. On the other hand, if you had lost your keys you could change the locks and then tell the LL Wink

Hope you get some sleep, and good luck tomorrow.

BillyBanter · 29/09/2013 00:31

Well done! This is the first step to freedom. Smile

BillyBanter · 29/09/2013 00:34

Find out if your area has a sanctuary scheme, like this.

www.medway.gov.uk/housing/homelessness/refuges/sanctuaryscheme.aspx

OhDearNigel · 29/09/2013 00:37

Have you considered texting back "I was on the phone to the police. Suggest you stop contacting me"

FadBook · 29/09/2013 00:38

You've done the right thing op.

To remind yourself that you've done a good thing: if your dd was in this situation in 25 years time, what would you advise her?

Try and sleep. Turn phone on silent, turn off vibrate. He's not worth your time.

OhDearNigel · 29/09/2013 00:39

And OP, please do not hesitate to call the police if you feel at all afraid or threatened. It is why we are there x

SunshineSuperNova · 29/09/2013 00:39

Well done lovely. I agree with other advice to ignore. Keep a record of all the threats too.

LapsedPacifist · 29/09/2013 00:40

You are so brave! Smile Stay strong!

But please remember - he IS breaking the law by sending you threatening texts. He could go to PRISON if he carries on saying he will hurt you or your friends and family.

Please save any threatening texts he sends you and show them to the police - this will help keep you safe.

FadBook · 29/09/2013 06:25

How are you feeling this morning OP?

Vivacia · 29/09/2013 06:59

Full of admiration that you've got you and your daughter to safety, but worried for you should you choose to go back, especially if he tries Niceness after Nasty and SuicideThreat don't work. Please never go back.

Original poster
WhatAPallava · 29/09/2013 08:08

I know fadbook that's what I always tell myself - I will never watch her be with someone like this.

So tired!

This is the hard part now, I will still stand my ground but no idea what he will do next, he genuinely believes I will never leave him. I need to go home at some point, if he tries to argue I will walk out and come back to my mums. I've never walked out or told someone how bad it is at home (although most people can guess) so refusing to go home last night is a big step in itself.

He doesn't work, I work part time he looks after DD. I have work tomorrow afternoon.

He will now be using our daughter "you're not taking her from me".
I don't want to take her from him - I just don't want to be with him!

OP posts:
Vivacia · 29/09/2013 08:12

I think you've taken a huge step, and I think you may be in danger if you return.

Do you have someone who can go with you to collect stuff?

Can you trust him to return your daughter when you return from work?

Original poster
WhatAPallava · 29/09/2013 08:32

He honestly wouldn't care if someone was with me - he was threatening my friends in the street yesterday for trying to protect me and get me a cab.
When I called the police before he completely resisted them, they all had to hold him down.
He has no regards for anyone else, he thinks he is above everybody.

Yes and no - he's not English but he doesn't actually have a passport at the moment (it's been taking a long time to renew it) and I will keep my daughters on me. Although I don't think he would do that. She's still breastfed/co sleeps and he knows she would not stay away from me. I don't actually think he would distress her like that.

He doesn't have a driving licence but he can drive - if he took my car (which he has done) I will call the police straight away and say he is driving illegally.

He is definitely going to play the sympathy card (he doesn't have many friends and is not close with the family here - I wonder why?) then he will get nasty. This will ALL be my fault.
He said yesterday he cannot believe I am putting my friends before my family - he really thinks I'm doing this because I didn't go out for friends bday (that was the original plan).

He hates me having friends, he hates me being close to my family!
He thinks once you have a partner that's it, you don't "belong" to your family anymore. I should belong to him now.

When I tell him all this he completely denies it, nooo I'm not like that I don't think that. But he does! He'll cause arguments so he knows I'll avoid making any plans for anything in the future.

OP posts:
Vivacia · 29/09/2013 08:36

Can any of your friends help you with child care?

As for getting your stuff out of the house, that's something you can talk to the police about in your appointment today. Actually, it's a council house in your name. Why don't you get in whilst he's out, change the locks and leave his things for him to collect from outside?

Notbroken · 29/09/2013 08:38

Sounds like my ex, he thought a trip to the supermarket was a social event and timed me, God forbid if I was a few minutes longer than he thought I should be. Also cut me off from my friends and family.
Stay away from this man.