Abusive OH hassling me. I'm at my mums. Shall/can I report?

[WhatAPallava]

Ridiculous abusive relationship with OH I can't take anymore culminated in a massive argument this evening in public and with my friends.

I am at my mums but he won't stop ringing and texting and threatening.

I am kind of scared, I don't know what to do.

I don't need to call 999 but should I report it to 101?

He is crazy and I don't trust him he will never let me leave him but this is it now

I just want to write a list of everything that he does

1. Will always question me about my appearance. Sometimes questions me if I wash my hair!!!
2. Argues if I don't offer him tea enough times in the day. He thinks it's terrible if he has to make his own tea. I come home from work and the first thing I have to do is make him tea.
3. Argues if he doesn't like what I've cooked for dinner. I will ask what do you want tonight, he says whatever then doesn't like something so acts stroppy and it turns into an argument.
4. We had a big argument once - we had a whole roast chicken, I put it on the table, turned around to tend to DD then we had a fight because he said the first thing I should have done was serve his plate.
5. He is racist and homophobic.
6. There is absolutely no reason why I should talk to a man at all (unless family). If I engaged in conversation with a male checkout assistant, for example, this would turn into an argument.
7. Constantly undermines my parenting in front of people.
8. Will not allow anybody to babysit our DD. Not even my family (maybe only my sister). On the rare occasion we've had to do something my sister or auntie have come to our house to babysit.
9. He hates it when I stand up for myself. If he is rude to me or puts me down I argue my case back. I have a "disgusting mouth". He says my mouth is my main problem.
10. He doesn't go to work and has no intention of doing so - this means he is at home alllll day. I cannot breathe.

10. His idea of a woman is someone who should be at home all day, making babies, with food and drinks on tap all day. This is not and will not ever be me. 11. I love music and used to go to gigs all the time. I haven't been to one since I've been with him. He sees no reason why I should want to go out without him. This must mean I'm a slag and I think I'm a single woman. 12. I'm a teacher - the time I finish work obviously varies depending on workload. You can imagine the atmosphere if I am home later one day than another. 13. He is very rude to people all the time - very arrogant. I am utterly embarrassed.

I know there's more.

14. I am 25 years old!!!!!!! I have my whole life ahead of me. There are so many things I want to do. He is completely holding me back in life.

What attracted you to him in the first place and choose to have a child with him?

0808 2000 247 - the number for Women's Aid. You should speak to these people for advice and guidance. They are experts in what you are experiencing.

OP - do not go back there alone, I urge you. Either of two things will happen.

1. He'll wear you down and talk you round just like he always does. He will be so so sorry. You mean everything to him. He cannot live without you. He would kill himself if you left. He's such a poor, lost, fucked up soul that needs you to help fix him. Etc etc. You will crumble because you are a kind, loving, normal, healthy person, who gets nothing out of the pain of others.

You will give him one more chance, and bang - you're right back where you started, with this psycho for a partner.

or

1. You stand your ground. He will be furious. He genuinely believes that this IS all your fault. He will be outraged that you are not doing what you are told, and his usual tactics are not working, and he will seek to punish you. He fully considers that his emotional wellbeing is your responsibility, and look what you're doing to him, by refusing to put up with his shit! How dare you!! He will get angry, and you will be in very real danger.

You owe it to yourself and your dd to remove yourself from this damaged, and damaging man and stay safe. Take someone with you. If he's as bad as you say, talk to the police.

But before you do anything else...anything at all...please listen to me and phone Women's Aid. They can help you.

Believe me he wasn't like this at all before. I would never have stayed with him.

I fell pregnant after 9 months and chose to go ahead with it.

We always had fun, did stuff, were happy.
Once I was further along in the pregnancy it all started to get worse.

I hope you look back at that list and remember why you've left.

If I was you I wouldn't be going back to this man. You know what you need to do, yes?

Set a plan.

Stick to the plan.

Protect yourself and your daughter.

Speak to HV who may be able to put forward local information to help you.

Good for you Op terrifying behaviour have u called police yet? You have witnesses I understand who could testify how bad he was. Stay at ur mums and don't go back for things on your own.

Not that it matters but Why doesn't he work? Who will have ur lo while u go to work not him I hope?

Please don't go back today, not even to drop your DD of whilst you work. If your family can't look after her, call in sick and don't go to work.

If you need strength keep reading through your list, your life is not normal.

You are his prisoner or maybe his slave, give yourself some self respect. He does nothing for you, he won't even work, what is there to go back for.

Your daughter will thank you later when she is old enough.

You really do have your whole life ahead of you!

This man sounds dangerous, do not go to your home alone to get things. Are there any set times that he's out?

Also I don't trust that he wouldn't try to take her, because he'd worry about her distress. He's already said he would basically try and ruin your life.

Everything Pictish said.

Call Women's Aid now.

I really agree pictish I have to get other help.

He hates the police. If the police are involved he will be furious.

I am going to my station at some point today to discuss me reporting the threats yesterday.

In am for you,whAt a vile excuse of a person your partner is. putting that nicely
Please call the police and show them the txts tell them everything and if he isn't on your tenancy agreement then ask the police to escort him with his stuff out of your house with a warning to stay away from you.
I would get an injunction/restraining order if possible too ,he sounds absolutely evil he may be your dc father but your her mother and main carer you should Come first for dc think about his contact for dc later never.

Phone woman's aid too,get as much advice as possible.
Fingers crossed for you and your dc.

I'd see about getting an injunction and/or police escort to have him removed from your home when you go back. Please do not be alone with this man again.

Call women's aid for advice.

OP it is extremely common for domestic abuse to rear up when a woman falls pregnant and/or has had her first baby.
It is at this point they consider you trpped and themselves home and dry, so the facade of decency can fall, and you get to see what they're really all about.

When someone shows you who they are, believe them.

This man will destroy your life if you let him. You must stay away from him and seek help.

Thank you, you are all right I agree with everyone.

He thinks us English women are disgusting for sticking up for ourselves!

I know I owe it to my daughter to leave him - he will restrict her life too when she's older. I know it.

I thought I could go home and deal with it but talking to you here I know it's not going to happen.
I will tell him calmly on the phone there is no going back and he needs to pack his stuff.

Yes I have people that can look after DD, aunty is round the corner. He will think it abhorrent that I'm giving her to someone else to look after. Not sure if he will go and cause problems????

Maybe I shouldn't go to work tomorrow. I'm a teacher and just started there 2 weeks ago :-(

whatapalaver I could have written your message myself. I am in an identical situation to yours. I left 3 years ago after years of emotional/verbal abuse and moved in with my mum. I wish I had known then that there was help available from the police and womens aid.
I went back home a few months later because he was harassing my family (who now have very little to do with me) please stay strong. Contact womans aid and tell the police everything. Take this opportunity to leave, if you go back to him he will be lovely at first, then he will make your life hell for ever daring to leave him. Believe me I know!!
You and your child deserve more.

Have you called WA? They will help you devise a plan to keep you both safe.

These sort of men are at their most dangerous when you try to leave. Please don't underestimate what lengths he will go to to control or punish you.

I will tell him calmly on the phone there is no going back and he needs to pack his stuff.

Well...he certainly won't calmly do so, will he?
No matter how you approach this, he is going to go postal.

Women's Aid can even advise you on how best to approach the first contact. They know this subject inside out, and every trick he will turn.

This guy is dangerous. He is narcissistic and insane, as well as culturally moulded.
He think he is right. He will not go quietly.
Get support.

gotta - how awful for you? What will you do?

You sound very strong. As your flat is a council tenancy in your name, I suggest you make an appointment with the housing team ASAP and explain the circumstances, that he is occupying your home, you cannot return there for fear of yours and your baby's safety and you need to be put on the list to transfer with band A priority. Then you stay away from the place until you can move in somewhere else. They will have to secure the property and ge him out but they will have procedures to do that. It could take 6 months and they may want you to stay with your mother in that time but if you can't they will have to house you in a temporary flat.
That might sound drastic but I really do t think you can stay in the flat he shared with you. He sounds utterly paranoid and would not leave you alone. I don't believe you will be safe in that flat.
I also suggest you phone social services in your area and ask for an assessment as your daughter is at risk from unsupervised contact due to his domestic abuse and you need help to keep her safe.
Finally you need to apply for benefits as a single parent and have correspondence sent to your mum's address.

Don't let him look after your child until the dust has settled. It would be all too easy for him to start using her as a weapon in his desperation.

pictish I am currently having counselling in the hope that it will help my chronic anxiety (caused by the situation) and make me strong enough to leave for good. That's why the op's message struck such a chord with me. I'd hate her to be in my situation in another 10 years time,

Please tell the police everything, the support is there, but you will get more the more you allow them to help you.

Women's Aid would be a good support too, they may be able to advise you on a good solicitor.

It might also be worth seeking advice from social services about contact - I know this seems extreme and scary, but you are looking to protect your DD from her father, and they could help.

It might also be worth mentioning to police that there is a (tiny) chance he might try to abduct her abroad, they will be able to put a ports & borders watch on so that anybody bearing their description would be stopped.