please tell me what happens after a row in 'normal' relationships....

[Ihavethislittlesister]

So I know I've got issues at home with my r'ship with H particularly regarding his anger and communication (sounds great huh?... )

He will tend to refuse to discuss whats pissed him off, favouring the slamming around and the silence approach. He will never apologise and will never accept one from me (if I owe one) so I often dont bother as its thrown back at me and almost makes things worse. He can then stay pretty quiet (you might want to read that as sulking..) for a couple of days. It gets resolved when he decides not as a result of a discussion.

Please tell me what happens after a row or disagreement in your house... I just want to understand the scale of how bad this is...

sorry hit post too soon. the thing is to set the boundary and the reality that a boundary exists and you are drawing his attention to it. you also need to put the onus onto him and the choice onto him that either he wakes up and changes his behaviour or it will be over.

you can even frame it in positives re: you know i want to keep the family together, you know this marriage means a lot to me but you are really destroying my love for you and i'm reaching the end of the line. i want to warn you so you can make the choice to deal with it and save our marriage before it's too late.

My ex was like this, bloody sulked like a child for days

Which is why he's my ex

thanks guys. you are all so kind posting help.

I just dont know how to talk to him about it. If I do it when he is still annoyed he will fly off the handle and refuse to talk/ listen.

If I do it when he is calm- same will happen.

If I send an email- did this once before- he sent me snotty text saying that wasnt the way to communicate in a marriage...

Ho Hum, I need to tell him how it is but i freeze and cannot find words, i would need to rehearse then I will be so nervous. He wont accept or listen I know he will go apeshite at the criticism.

My words above just confirm the issue. The thing is when he isnt like this he is fabulous and since the last issue things have been good. We were respect ful of each other and kind. Its like there is zero tolerance for anything wrong.

Thanks swallowed- thats really hellpful to frame it like that

Cogito- thanks too. You are right. I shouldnt feel like this in my own home. :(

OP are you married to my exH? Sounds exactly like him!

The thing is, the initial problem never gets resolved and just carries over to the next row

The problem isn't you and it isn't communication. When someone isn't interested in taking responsibility for their behaviour, when they are content simply to bully and browbeat with no thought for the other person's feelings, then no amount of e-mails or talks will make any impression.

When whatever you do is wrong, the conclusion is that it's not you, it's them. The only choice you have left is to reject them.

thanks cog. You are very wise.

Thank you but, rest assured, I can be as screwed up and foolish as the next woman :) Twenty years ago I'd have probably put up with the crap you're dealing with but, the older I get, the more I realise that it's not only a waste of precious time but also completely unacceptable that there is anyone in my life that doesn't actually enhance it some way.

Can you record him when he's berating you?

The thing is when he isn't like this he is fabulous and since the last issue things have been good.

Have been good because you have been "good" or because he has managed to be a grown up about disagreements and minor things?

Anyone can be fabulous when life is good, when things go well, when our partner agrees with them, when there are no responsibilities. It's in the bad moments that we see the real person. It's the bad moments that define a relationship.

thanks everyone.
Jux- I could if I was careful. what would I do with it?

I am so on edge today. Anyone banging doors in office feels threatening :(

Your nerves are shot. It's a stress reaction like a dog that is used to being beaten cowering just because someone raises their arm. I can't add much more to what everyone else has been telling you but you really need some time away from this person. It's only once you've got out of the stressful environment that you can start to understand how much it has been affecting youl

Cogito is so right.
Look after yourself.

Make a point to get support from other sources - it's natural to expect your DH to support you when you're feeling like this - but if he is unable or unwilling to do so - you have to look for support elsewhere. Don't just keep it inside you as it will lead to anxiety and MH problems in the future.

DH suffered with depression shortly after we got together and behaved exactly like this. After a while of this, me being supportive and understanding, trying to help him etc i finally had enough of the constant stress - i felt very ill with it - and told him if he couldn't shake the depression, with or without help, i would be leaving him and wouldn't be coming back. It worked, he got help and moved on - thankfully with me.

We now argue very infrequently, but are both quite fiery so when they do happen they can be pretty explosive (less so now we have a 3 yo DS) but invariably they are done and dusted within an hour to two. We each retreat to separate areas of the house to lick our wounds and then the one who feels they were most in the wrong will make a move to resolve and apologise - usually about an hour later when we've both calmed down. We then talk calmly about what went wrong and apologise for our part in the argument, recognising that neither of us is perfect. We've been together for 11 years now and are both very happy for the vast majority of time.

The pattern of behaviour you describe most accurately resembles my bil actually. Perhaps not coincidentally i also suspect that he suffers periods of depression, usually followed by periods of mania. My sister has put up with it for many years and i do think it's extremely unhealthy. Psychologically it's utterly exhausting and results invariably in either mental or physical ill health. Not good at all. Does you H suffer with depression?

I'm not sure what you could do with it, it very much depends on what you want to do about your life. You could play it to your gp, and ask for counselling, or play it to a solicitor, or WA. Or play it back to him so he can hear exactly what he's like; if he's fundamentally a decent bloke then it could (should) be enough to send him scuttling for help. But for heaven's sake don't do it if it's even a little bit likely to put you in danger.

You can't fix this with him. For that you'd need his cooperation and he does not think there is anything to fix.

And I am so sorry that you are feeling like this in your own home, your sanctuary with the person you should feel totally relaxed with.

Incidentally, I wonder what your children's nerves are like - they are empathic little creatures

I agree with Cogito about getting out of the situation. It really is hard to see quite how skewed your feelings have become when you are in the middle of it.

just remember he's their dad. he's making his mind up what he wants them to be around and what his 'best' values and 'best' endeavours are.

if those are - treat your mother like shit and behave like a scary, angry monster then.... good dad?

you are keeping quiet and putting up and shutting up for the sake of a concept of the 'family' being together being a good thing etc. he's realistically pissing all over that. his value is him.

i don't know if you have boys or girls - if you live in a poky flat or a massive house - if your kids are fun and dance routines and questions or bovine little passive things who take whatever is given. not got a clue.

BUT imagine them in a house without eggshells. imagine a place where adults behave like adults and fun can be had without fear of, interuption of, in a strop sulky wanker is home now etc.

imagine a household where love, fun and general permission to be human is the rule.

your kids deserve it and so do you.