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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

please tell me what happens after a row in 'normal' relationships....

121 replies

Ihavethislittlesister · 28/09/2013 20:49

So I know I've got issues at home with my r'ship with H particularly regarding his anger and communication (sounds great huh?... )

He will tend to refuse to discuss whats pissed him off, favouring the slamming around and the silence approach. He will never apologise and will never accept one from me (if I owe one) so I often dont bother as its thrown back at me and almost makes things worse. He can then stay pretty quiet (you might want to read that as sulking..) for a couple of days. It gets resolved when he decides not as a result of a discussion.

Please tell me what happens after a row or disagreement in your house... I just want to understand the scale of how bad this is...

OP posts:
Original poster
Ihavethislittlesister · 30/09/2013 08:16

Morning all

Yoni- thanks for the Bancroft suggestion.

Re counselling. He would never take part. He has always said that it's pointless and of we got as far as needing it, it was the end anyway.

I could imagine how it would go. If say stuff and then get told off at home.

OP posts:
Vivacia · 30/09/2013 12:02

There's the adult-child interaction again.

FrightRider · 30/09/2013 12:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Ihavethislittlesister · 30/09/2013 16:44

Viv. I assume you mean him being th parent (controlling ) and me the child. ?

OP posts:
Original poster
Ihavethislittlesister · 30/09/2013 16:47

Thanks for your positive story fright.

How did he take you leaving him initially ??

OP posts:
Vivacia · 30/09/2013 16:47

Yep. The idea is that with some people you end up playing the role of a child - being reprimanded, being helped, sulking and so on. With other people you play the role of a parent, protecting, ordering etc. The trick, when you recognise this, is to not react like either of these but as an adult, to pull you both back to adult-adult roles.

Original poster
Ihavethislittlesister · 30/09/2013 20:49

Thanks. Will look at some books on the TA theory. Do you have any recommended ones ?

OP posts:
YoniBottsBumgina · 01/10/2013 00:39

I'm not saying don't try the TA stuff, but it's worth pointing out that it won't work if he genuinely believes that his "place" in life/the family/whatever is higher than yours, because he will take your attempt at being the adult as "insolence" and possibly even see it as a reason to lash out further in order to attempt to put you back into your place.

Things like that are helpful when dealing with mostly emotionally healthy people who have got into bad habits - not so when dealing with an abuser. I don't know what the rest of your relationship is like, but if there are signs of control outside of the rows or of him thinking you are beneath him generally, then be careful. Self help stuff tends not to go down well.

Do you specifically not want to say on the thread what provoked the argument in the first place? That's more likely to tell you (if you want to say generally rather than this specific one that's helpful too) whether he is an abuser or has anger problems. Abusers' problems aren't about how they react when they get angry, the problem is that they get angry about stuff that they have no right to be angry about in the first place, and they can tone this down all they like, but they will never stop thinking that particular thing has wronged them.

FrightRider · 01/10/2013 09:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lweji · 01/10/2013 11:03

I think TA may help you deal with him, but not necessarily work for your relationship.
From what you said (by PM too) it seems that he likes to goad you, so he'll do his best to avoid the adult state.
However, you can refuse to engage and play the game.

IMO, it's something for while you bid your time.
You still need to leave, or at the very least make sure he knows you will.

For TA, I borrowed one from my local library, years ago. You can check what yours has available.

LaQueenForADay · 01/10/2013 12:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

adale63 · 01/10/2013 13:04

think everyone is different and have different personalities so its really an impossible question to answer

Original poster
Ihavethislittlesister · 10/10/2013 21:32

anyone around who can help me please?

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 10/10/2013 21:37

Has something happened?

Original poster
Ihavethislittlesister · 10/10/2013 21:44

yes. im shaking. I have no idea if i was in the wrong.

OP posts:
LineRunner · 10/10/2013 21:47

I'm around. Are you ok?

Original poster
Ihavethislittlesister · 10/10/2013 21:48

sorry not a helpful reply. I'm going to have to try and go to bed as i have to be up for work... I want to share more but dont want to be spotted

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 10/10/2013 21:54

If you're frightened, feel threatened or believe you are in danger, call the police.

Liara · 10/10/2013 22:00

It doesn't matter who was 'in the wrong'. It is never OK for you to feel terrified in your own home.

Original poster
Ihavethislittlesister · 10/10/2013 22:09

I'm ok. Not in danger. Just shocked. Will post more tomorrow am. Lying in bed in silence. Hmm

OP posts:
HomicidalPsychoJungleCat · 10/10/2013 22:14

I grew up in a house like this, the mani question was like it towards me as well as my mum. He destroyed my confidence and self esteem and my understanding of what a relationship should be. I needed up having lots of abusive relationships with similarly emotionally challenged men until I (thank god) found my DH. He taught me what a loving, mutually respectful relationship is, without him I'd have been lost.

Don't just accept the hand you are being dealt here OP please, not just for your sake (and you really do deserve more) but so that your kids don't grow up thinking his behaviour is an example of the way things should be between a couple.

HomicidalPsychoJungleCat · 10/10/2013 22:15

Sorry, man IN question. OP you sure you are not in physical danger?

Original poster
Ihavethislittlesister · 10/10/2013 22:24

He's asleep now. I'm wide awake with adrenalin flooding thru me.
No danger. If I argued back I've no idea but he stops at very loud shouting.

The more I participate the worse he gets and longer he stone walls me.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 11/10/2013 06:35

Very loud shouting is not stone-walling, it's 'verbal abuse'. Intimidating, bullying, controlling behaviour designed to frighten you, shake you and cow you into submission. In your own home you should not be lying wide awake with adrenalin flooding through you unless you've just woken up from a nightmare.

swallowedAfly · 11/10/2013 07:27

oh god i feel for you OP. this is no way to live.

when people are saying he needs to know you'd leave in the first instance it doesn't have to be walking out or anything.

it can be as simple as stating your truth re:

i cannot live like this any longer
i am at the end of being able to put up with the way you treat me
if things don't change i can't see any outcome other than this ending sooner or later

or:

if you are unable to treat me with any basic kindness or respect or to communicate with me then i think you better leave the house as i won't have this atmosphere for me or the children.

or:

i won't be treated like this anymore - i really can't put up with this anymore. you need to stop or you need to leave. it's in your hands.