please tell me what happens after a row in 'normal' relationships....

[Ihavethislittlesister]

So I know I've got issues at home with my r'ship with H particularly regarding his anger and communication (sounds great huh?... )

He will tend to refuse to discuss whats pissed him off, favouring the slamming around and the silence approach. He will never apologise and will never accept one from me (if I owe one) so I often dont bother as its thrown back at me and almost makes things worse. He can then stay pretty quiet (you might want to read that as sulking..) for a couple of days. It gets resolved when he decides not as a result of a discussion.

Please tell me what happens after a row or disagreement in your house... I just want to understand the scale of how bad this is...

Sorry baby hit send too soon

Sorry you thought it was rude. However, you were heading off down the road of gathering yet more opinions when it was pretty clear you'd got a consensus that his behaviour was not acceptable - and I'm sure you knew that already. There has to come a point where you stop asking 'is this normal?' therefore, and where you start looking forward and deciding what you're going to do about it... you personally. You're unlikely to change his behaviour.

The stark reality is, if someone feels like 'punishing' you, then him not talking to you is doing you a favour really. Because who wants to have a conversation with someone who does that?

In a healthy relationship, sometimes you disagree. Sometimes it's down to a misunderstanding. Sometimes it's down to a disagreement, about something small, or something big. You talk about it, ideally it doesn't get heated. It certainly doesn't degenerate into verbal abuse. If it does get a bit heated, you take some time to cool down and consider your positions before returning to the subject, sometimes for a full analysis, sometimes for a 'whoops, that was silly, sorry' from one or both people.

Sorry cogito. And thanks.

I would love to pm someone Viva- are you happy for it to be you ?

Thanks for the other messages.

Of course.

Thanks. It might take me a while. I'm juggling 2 kids at the same time.

Similar here, if I don't reply straight away.

I wouldn't leave to make a point either.
I would be very clear I would and that I would be fine.

But only if you are 100% sure he won't hurt you in any way.

If you are physically afraid of him, then plan in secret and leave when you must.

If he has threatened violence at any point he's more likely to carry it out if he feels he's losing control over you.
That's what happened with my exH.

So, take care.

In normal relationships partners don't win arguments, they reach compromises. Even if there was a fight. That's the adult way.
Abusers tend to assume the role of controlling parents, to your perceived rebelious child. That's the role you end up assuming because you react to him. Any attempts to go back to the adult status are met with derision. He won't talk, will fob you off or gaslight.

You could try Transactional analysis techniques to bring back disagreements to the adult status and see how he responds to it.
I think he's still a bastard, but it might just help you cope until you are ready to leave.

Ps- feel free to pm if you think it might be useful. :)

I'm not sure we are all that healthy. DH 's parents are divorced so he really hates any kind of argument, I think it sort of panics him. We have a book called introvert/ extrovert in love which is very helpful. He needs to go away and think things through, that is almost physically painful for me to allow him to do, I have a need to "talk it through" straight away. What has worked for me is clearly articulating this so saying something like "I m not going to feel this is resolved until we have discussed it, when would be good time ?" Don't know if that would work for you or not.

He isn't "strong" OP. His actions are the exact opposite. Strong men apologise, make amends and care for their partners. Weak men bully, stonewall and sulk.

My ex thought he was a strong person. With hindsight I can see he was pathetic and completely lacking in emotional intelligence. My DH amazes me with how he "manages" his ex; he listens, compromises and seeks to make her feel valued and validated while maintaining the values we have agreed for our family.

Note to self: Read thread properly and see that OP isn't really looking for opinions on how people row, she's looking for advice on her relationship

I agree with what the majority are saying OP. Life is just too short to live with atmospheres like this.

Hi all. Been out all day. Just home to catch up now ( in between bed and bath time with kids!)

I have found this a very interesting thread and hope you have too OP. Questioning what is normal when you don't know but feel what is happening is wrong is a good starting point for examining a relationship. Anyone who uses a disagreement to make you feel belittled, frustrated and impotent is probably emotionally abusive.

I used to "have a terrible temper" and my XH was an awful sulker. But after a lot of reading and counselling for myself I realised he is afraid of conflict and is very passive aggressive, while I was over sensitive to criticism and quickly lost my cool as he knew how to press the buttons that got me to express anger, maybe on his behalf. Then I would get flooded and shut down and be unable to do anything other than cry and shake with rage or impotence.

We have since parted and three years on I have a new DP. I warned him of my temper when we met, but after two years it hasn't yet appeared! I was very puzzled by this but have concluded as he doesn't goad me I stay relaxed and deal with disagreement much better. It is such a relief and a joy to know that there was nothing wrong with me at all!

Good luck on your journey of discovery OP.

Right. Kids in bed. Time to breathe

Thanks for your posts. They are all really helpful. And I apologise to cogito again for being prickly this morning

The point about his not being strong but being weak is interesting. I would never have seen that.

Also- sorry for not name checking but the post who mentioned his role being that of a controlling parent: that hits the nail right on the head. He is exactly like that. He talks to me like a naughty girl. And I have let him do that for an easy life which means I'm constantly being berated for my actions. We recently went for an afternoon out. He got annoyed with me trying to help with something (!) and eventually said something to the effect of "if you keep this up we will all go home". He thinks he's fucking dad !

I've pm'd two of you who offered with details of the incident that prompted this thread. I'm sorry it's so long. Any insight would be welcome. I know I should LTB at some point though

Kouign- that's v interesting about your 'temper'.

It goes to show that it really does take 2 to make an argument.

I'm not an expert of Transactional Analysis, but I know it talks about people taking one of three roles, Adult, Parent, Child and each of us can dip in and out of these, depending on who we are with, how we are feeling etc. TA counselling might help you move out of Parent-Child with him and in to an Adult-Adult interaction.

Also, you've spoken about leaving him. Would you consider a separation rather than a complete break up? Or does it feel like the end of the road?

Oh god, yes! XP would always speak as though he was my dad. He was constantly saying "Behave!" and I would make a joke of it because I was just - WTF? You're not my father, you don't get to tell me to behave, and I wasn't even doing anything wrong

Re temper, there is a profile in the Lundy Bancroft book of an abuser who is always calm but knows exactly the buttons to push to make you blow up and then look like the unreasonable one. VV insiduous and can make you feel like you're going mad, especially as (usually) victims of this kind of abuser don't blow up at anybody else and/or haven't reacted in that way before, so it shocks them and then they feel like it's all their fault. Very difficult to explain to anybody as well because it ends up sounding just like the justification of an abuser "Well he was winding me up" "He made me" etc. The "temper" usually vanishes as soon as the abuser is out of the picture. (There are subtle differences that an experienced person can spot, BTW, between the victim-pushed-into-a-corner and the actual abuser trying to waive responsibility, it all boils down to the underlying expectations, assumption of entitlement and attitude)

Thanks. Will look at TA and get some more info.

Re leaving. I'm not sure. Things are fab when it's good but his emotions are non existent to me and I need more. I think maybe a separation is good idea as there are kids to consider but I'm not sure he could do that. He will be utterly horrid once we separate and won't make it easy I know.

Part of me fantasises about anew life. I regularly think about how id decorate my own kitchen

If you haven't read Bancroft, OP, it's definitely worth doing. Hide it in your car or read it in spurts at the library or get delivered to work and read on your lunch break.

You can get it on kindle if you have an American account but it's not on the UK one.

I would be cautious about entering into any kind of counselling with this man; he has some big red flags for abusive behaviour.

Hope you're ok, op.

Dh and I had some pretty unhealthy arguing behaviour in the beginning - I was a dog with a bone about everything, he would sulk/ storm off. Like a soap opera every time. Gladly we both wanted to change, and got counselling together. Now things couldn't be more different. I feel very lucky.
I think it only worked because we both wanted to change, and there was no abuse etc in relationship.

Counselling with him is a no-no.
Counselling for you might be a good idea.

Rows are crap here too. He is instantly defensive and turns everything back on me and makes it my fault. No matter what I say or how I say it, it's perceived as criticism. Even if I apologise for my part in it, that gets thrown back at me too, which makes resolution impossible.

Our days are numbered....

My ex was also a sulker/never apologised.

With my partner, we argue, I cry, but he never gets angry, never loses his temper, just holds me and tells me it will be ok. Then we cuddle and both feel better.