Suspicious behaviour - not sure what to do, feeling sick

[abneysporridge]

Have come here to reach out as I really don't think I can tell anyone my suspicions in real life. Have been with dh for 13 years - 6 married - and have 3 ds's age 4, 3 and 7 mths - so life is pretty mad as u can guess! For a while now dh's behaviour has been really strange and at first I thought it was just stress from work combined with the mentalness of home life, but alarm bells rang when we were at a friends party about 3 weeks ago and he got really shit-faced and was great fun with everyone else but really confrontational with me - accusing me of eyeing up 'that guy' over there and how I'm not interested in him any more. It really blindsided me - we've never rowed or broken up, always been a good team, it was just so out of character. So I started noticing everything at that point - how disengaged he was with the kids, and my daily chatter about them, his over- zealous personal grooming and my god the diet he's on is just insane - it's working he's lost loads of weight - but he's starving himself, and mainly how he never NEVER let's his mobile out of his sight.
Recently I got him a new contract under my account as we can get a discount - his old phone smashed and we did all this quickly before he really had time to think about it - which allows me to look at the itemised bills online (I don't think he knows I can do this) and there were hundreds of texts and short calls to this one number - sometimes at odd hours - which I knew to be his female colleague. When he was in the shower one morning (he'd brought the phone into the bathroom) I checked his messages to see what on earth he's been chatting to her about and he'd deleted them all. Which is very suspicious I think. Honestly I don't know what to do with all this - I don't even know if its really an affair so if I start accusing him it could be a disaster and I don't want to tell any family or friends in case they hate him and it will never be the same again. I feel nervous all the time like my ears are ringing and I'm drowning , but I've got to try and be as normal as poss for the sake of the kids. Admittedly I've been distant and putting him way down the priority list for years, so maybe this was inevitable, I just never thought he was the type of guy capable of doing this. I hate feeling like my world is on shakey foundations, I work so bloody hard to give our kids a good life, which means putting my needs absolute last, I don't get why he can't do the same - maybe men just can't, selfish creatures that they are.
Sorry for sounding off in an essay basically! I just don't know what my next move should be - this past week I've been really positive and kind to him in the hopes he can see he has all he needs at home, but I don't feel connected to him at all anymore - like maybe he's got one foot out the door. So depressing. I always thought we were solid

That's a long time to have to live with him whilst knowing he is having an affair. That's hard op.

I agree that he could still do the memorial if you were split. At the moment you are going to be the one suffering for 6 weeks until this memorial and then all through it whilst everyone, including him, are oblivious. That doesn't seem fair or right.

Even if it all kicked off massively before then and say he refused to do the memorial would that really be so bad? I don't mean to sound insensitive, but would the memorial not going ahead at all or going ahead without him really be that bad? Or playing a recording of the band instead?

Memorials aren't essential after all and no one would blame you for it not happening because of what he has done.

I can't imagine that your family, including you dad, would want you to carry on suffering like this and put you through this just so a memorial could go ahead.

It seems so unfair that you are protecting everyone else at such great expense to yourself.

I would also imagine that this will completely ruin your experience of the memorial.

(and seriously, if you have to book him in somewhere don't make it premier inn as they have massive breakfasts! He shouldn't be waking up to that on his first night away.)

Most importantly, you won't be able to enjoy your Dad's memorial. To remember him, to savour your memories of him, to celebrate his life with all the people who loved him.

You will be a highly strung shell of yourself, watching your stbx being the big man, on stage, doing what he loves, soaking up the applause, taking the credit and being a big fat phoney.

Are you sure you can even do that? The event will be a disaster for you, why put yourself through it and taint all your memories of your Dad?

Talk to your mum, my lovely. People who love you will understand. I would be appalled if my dd felt that she had to do this to herself to keep me happy. Honestly, you really, really don't have to.

My mil found out her long term partner was cheating a fortnight before the wedding. She chose not to tell us and brought him along as she thought it would upset us.

We were more upset after that she felt she had to spend the day playing happy families with him! But hindsight is a wonderful thing.

You need to really consider if this will taint the memory of the memorial. Only you know your family well enough to know what the right decision is. Don't let him ruin this for you.

You are sounding very strong and I know you have a rollercoaster to face but you can do it and it sounds like you have a wonderful family to keep you strong.

I agree with those saying this is too long a wait and too much for you to bare. Why not share this with your sisters and have them help you decide re. Memorial. If you are waiting for their sakes, I don't think they will thank you for it.

I feel for you op. he is a shit.

What's your relationship like between you and your sisters?

6wks is a long time. Could you find someone else to take Dh's place?

Could your family help you exclude H from the event, getting others to help, re-writing the performance accordingly?

I get where you are, but I do wonder if having him there for the sake of others may cause more anguish in thé long term.

You know your family best, if they are supportive, loving and caring, then this IS what your father would have wanted, you banding together to help one in pain, and not suffering in silence because of his own memorial.

Please op tell your mum. She loves you and will want to help and support you.

Take you mum with you to see a lawyer and collect all the documents that you will need and plan for a future for yourself and your kids. Get your self sorted then ask him to leave.

Play a recodeing of the band.

He does not deserve to by at your Dad service.

You need the time to morne your relationship and your Dad. Its an end to an era and the start of a new one.

Looke after yourself xx

Think of everything he is stealing from you right now, emotionally speaking: peace of mind, trust, happiness, emotional security and mental health, etc.

Don't let him steal your Dad's memorial too. That should become a special, precious memory, not another casualty of this selfish, spineless man.

I'm so sorry for your pain at finding the truth.

But sweetheart, I'm not sorry that you know now.

I second (or 64th!) everyone else's advice about not waiting this out until your father's concert. I can't imagine your father would want that either. You run a real risk of creating a terrible memory and association between your husband's infidelity and your father.

Is there anything going on about hoping that in 6 weeks time, this affair will have burnt out, he will have seen sense and you can carry on together as if nothing had happened?

Because logically, your plan honestly doesn't make any sense, unless it's to buy this affair more time and therefore your marriage, more time.

You're not a deceitful person by the sounds of it and I think living a lie will actually damage you far more than you know.

You need to share this with others now too. As long as as your mother, friends and sisters aren't of the disposition that you should save your marriage at all costs and 'men will be men' - lean on them for support.

I think this is your decision, OP, and actually what's important is only that you understand that all options are available to you. As with disovering infidelity or even life generally we tend to have a gut reaction where we 'know' we couldn't leave or couldn't admit or confront or whatever, but actually everything is far more possible that we think.

Decide for you. IF I were you I would probably do the same as you're suggesting, actually. It's a good period of time to sort out finances, solicitors and somewhere for you/him to live. Just please bear in mind what I said about the adrenaline fading and, unfortunately when that happens, physical symptoms a lot like depression can emerge.

Delurking and echo the others that it is a long time to go bearing that secret. I realise how difficult this is but what would your dad think? Would he want him there if he knew what this man had done to you? People do want to know and want to help in these situations and you should maybe think about letting them. I learnt that the hard way.

Hmm, your all giving me pause for thought on whether ill last the 6 weeks. I can feel my adrenaline/blood pressure/racing pulse every time someone mentions dh and the future - we've been talking about extending my mums house and moving in with her as she's finding it hard on her own, so when that gets mentioned I just think 'it will just be me and the kids moving in not dh'.
Yes you've really made me think about this now - I almost feel like I'm facilitating this affair if I keep this secret. Just don't fucking know what to think anymore, he's really screwed with my head.

It is a very long time to be bearing the secret. I would worry about what the stress of keeping going until then will do. Also, on a practical note, you do have time to make alternative arrangements for the memorial. It will be tainted for you and your family if your DH has played an active part when it all emerges that it was D-Day. Do you really want a celebration of your father's life to be so closely linked to the end of your marriage.

Also I think there's a very real risk that he is also planning to leave after the memorial. If you wait you risk losing the initiative.

Six weeks is a long time to keep up a charade. You may be so emotionally exhausted by then that you don't have the energy to deal with it.

Right now you are strong - you have the facts and he doesn't know it - and you have the fight or flight reaction running through you. If it wasn't for the memorial event, what would you do? Ask yourself that, maybe it would help.

Take back control. He doesn't get to decide, you do.
Show him the evidence you've found, tell him you expect him to honour his commitments to your father's memorial, then you will talk.
Don't do this on your own while he's merrily shagging another woman. Get angry.

Another thing to think about - 6 weeks time means it'll be 6 weeks till Christmas and you may feel honour bound not to make waves for your dc until the new year. And it goes on and on...

I think it's very likely that he planning to leave or confess after the memorial too. Perhaps if you end up confronting him he might want to play the memorial anyway. He is going to feel so incredibly guilty that pulling out of that aswell will really hurt his self-image. Also, you need to start realising what are his problems, not yours. You are used to thinking of yourselves as a unit, I'm afraid that's just not the case anymore.

Think of it like in a film, you've discovered your husband is having an affair and is in love with someone else. You get to respond to that, you get to have your reaction, plot point. you don't have to wait for it to happen at a more opportune moment. What happens after that is his issue. He is the one who has had the affair. he is the one scheduled to play at this concert. I think you are too used to shouldering his concerns. Whether your family find out about it or not (and I think you should seek support) it is still HIS problem and decision what happens next regarding his responsibilities, choices and life. Not yours. You get to live your own life, and a right to react to your husband leaving you and your children to fuck someone else and lie to you is part of that. You will not be ruining anything. Only his response and prior actions will be.

tell him you expect him to honour his commitments to your father's memorial

I wouldn't do this. For one thing, he has lost the privilege of playing at the memorial and, secondly, this would give him a hold over you.

Don't give him the power. The aim is to pull the rug from under his feet, not give him something to bargain with.

Good point about the 'six weeks til Christmas' though. There is always something on the horizon.

He might not even be in love with this OW. People in the bubble of an affair often think they are in love, when actually all they are in love with is the nice feelings it gives them about themselves. So when the whole shebang gets brought out into the open, BANG! 'love' disappears as quickly as it came. The secrecy itself sometimes keeps the whole thing going, but it's hard for 'love' to survive the hassle of separation, pain and for the first time, others' more objective views about the two people and the affair they've been having. They are in a bubble now, with no-one condemning them aren't they?

Another thought OP, you will inevitably detach during the next six weeks and he will just take that as further permission/excuse for what he's doing. When confronted he'll tell you how dead the relationship has felt, especially in recent weeks etc.

He absolutely might not really be in love with her. But he also might say that automatically to try and preserve his marriage, not hurt OP and not suffer consequences. And it will be impossible for the OP to tell the difference. It takes a long long time for full truth to emerge and in the meantime, abs, you should look at the evidence that you have and not try to make excuses for him and a best case scenario in your head in order to justify staying if that ultimately isn't what is best for you. You'll have to respond to what he says and what you know in tandem, when it happens.