Suspicious behaviour - not sure what to do, feeling sick

[abneysporridge]

Have come here to reach out as I really don't think I can tell anyone my suspicions in real life. Have been with dh for 13 years - 6 married - and have 3 ds's age 4, 3 and 7 mths - so life is pretty mad as u can guess! For a while now dh's behaviour has been really strange and at first I thought it was just stress from work combined with the mentalness of home life, but alarm bells rang when we were at a friends party about 3 weeks ago and he got really shit-faced and was great fun with everyone else but really confrontational with me - accusing me of eyeing up 'that guy' over there and how I'm not interested in him any more. It really blindsided me - we've never rowed or broken up, always been a good team, it was just so out of character. So I started noticing everything at that point - how disengaged he was with the kids, and my daily chatter about them, his over- zealous personal grooming and my god the diet he's on is just insane - it's working he's lost loads of weight - but he's starving himself, and mainly how he never NEVER let's his mobile out of his sight.
Recently I got him a new contract under my account as we can get a discount - his old phone smashed and we did all this quickly before he really had time to think about it - which allows me to look at the itemised bills online (I don't think he knows I can do this) and there were hundreds of texts and short calls to this one number - sometimes at odd hours - which I knew to be his female colleague. When he was in the shower one morning (he'd brought the phone into the bathroom) I checked his messages to see what on earth he's been chatting to her about and he'd deleted them all. Which is very suspicious I think. Honestly I don't know what to do with all this - I don't even know if its really an affair so if I start accusing him it could be a disaster and I don't want to tell any family or friends in case they hate him and it will never be the same again. I feel nervous all the time like my ears are ringing and I'm drowning , but I've got to try and be as normal as poss for the sake of the kids. Admittedly I've been distant and putting him way down the priority list for years, so maybe this was inevitable, I just never thought he was the type of guy capable of doing this. I hate feeling like my world is on shakey foundations, I work so bloody hard to give our kids a good life, which means putting my needs absolute last, I don't get why he can't do the same - maybe men just can't, selfish creatures that they are.
Sorry for sounding off in an essay basically! I just don't know what my next move should be - this past week I've been really positive and kind to him in the hopes he can see he has all he needs at home, but I don't feel connected to him at all anymore - like maybe he's got one foot out the door. So depressing. I always thought we were solid

Good point, ALittleStranger, that happens a lot, I think. The more one discovers, the more one detaches, the more the cheater takes it as an excuse. That's why the limbo stage is so so deadly.

Also, what if you put yourself through the agony of these next 6 weeks then, just a few days before, he can't stand the pressure of the pretence anymore and ups and leaves?

You would be in even more of a mess with it all blowing up just days before the event and will have lost the upper hand. It will completely wreck you, emotionally.

You're not thinking straight at the moment, understandably, but take the memorial out of the equation and ask yourself why you would want to stay quiet for another six weeks whilst he carries on his affair.

If the idea of you moving in with your mother is already in the pipeline I am afraid it's conceivable he could be anticipating a 'nice straightforward' process. He may be detaching to the point of viewing life as a sequence of tick boxes -

FIL's memorial concert = tick
Announce breakdown of marriage and move out with immediate effect = tick
Regrets and upset inevitable but necessary = tick
Installed with OW in time for Christmas etc etc.

He himself may not have any fixed plan beyond this week or this month. But you can't torture yourself thinking that until you challenge him, you're facilitating or condoning his tawdry antics.

Whatever you decide to do (or not do) today is not cast in stone, you can adapt. If he thinks you are in the dark you can plausibly put any jitters or nerviness down to concerns about 16th November.

I've been lurking on this thread & was hoping, as everyone was, that the OP's concerns would be unfounded. I'm really sorry OP, what a shit.

Another aspect to consider regarding the memorial service, forgive me if this has been mentioned, is that your family deserve to know, and to be given the choice as to whether they want him at the memorial service in the circumstances. It's not just your memories that may be sullied, but theirs too.

What may happen for the whole family is that in retrospect, the fact that he was there, you didn't tell them, you went through it on your own, will completely overshadow the day which should be about your father. And they might feel that you sort of tricked them into it, albeit with the best intentions.

Tbh if BIL cheated on my sister I don't know that I'd want him at my dad's memorial, I certainly would not want to play with him.

So I don't think you're being fair on your family or yourself, and your strong urge to protect them, while commendable, may not tally with what they feel to be their best interests in the long run.

Please don't wait, you are putting off the inevitable and the longer you leave it the more it becomes 'normal' to you.

I was "lucky" in that I was caught out completely unawares when I found out about my husbands affair and had no choice but to deal with the realisation and fall out immediately with no time to take on board what was happening. To be honest, I think that's what made me deal with it all so effectively as my back was to the wall and it was fight or flight mode I was in at the time; had it been the situation you are in, I too would have probably dragged out the inevitable and lived in a sort of denial.

Stay strong, it will be tough but it has to happen; you will come through the other end - whether together or apart - and you will have support here. xx

I agree - please don't wait 6 weeks. There is really no purpose to this - your dad wouldn't have wanted it, your family will be upset afterwards that they've played in the band with him and treated him as part of the family, and so on. Your kids do not need you having a stroke in the meantime either when your blood pressure is constantly battering your eyeballs.

Also - are you planning to not sleep with him for the next 6 weeks? I don't think you could/should be intimate with him under these circumstances, both for your mental health and your physical health (STDs). Get yourself checked out, by the way hun.

You know all you need to know and you have proof. Time to tell him to leave, calmly and with strength.

Besides having to live with him knowing what tou know, 6 weeks is a long time to go without real life support for what has happened to you and your kids OP. Youve suffered a massive shock, and probably feel like you've lost your life as you know it.
If something equally as life changing happened to you, road traffic accident etc crap analogy but you know what I mean , no one would expect you to carry on as per usual. Be kinder to yourself OP. speak to your mum and sisters.
Think of it from a parents point of view, look at your kids, would you want them to go through 6 weeks of mental torture just so their cheating spouse could sing at your memorial?
Use some time to get your affairs in order, most important financially, see what your entitled to tax credits etc gather together paperwork, see solicitor for free half hour etc etc. even if you don't spilt up its worth doing this to get back some control. Best of luck.

You will ruin the memory of your father's memorial for everyone you care about if you continue with your plan of having your cheating husband centrally involved.

6 weeks is plenty of time to rearrange things so that he won't be missed.

You must know other people who do sound and who are decent musicians, given the company you keep.

Get the support you need and stop this ridiculous charade.

If you let him play at your father's memorial, HE wins by that and you (and your family) lose.

There really is no bigger way you can force him to face what he has done than make him live with the consequences of his betrayal of you by being exiled from an event like this.

Please don't think that by delaying you are facilitating the affair.

What you could be said to be doing is however preventing yourself from accessing the support you so truly need right now.

If you strike on this now, starting with you gathering your family for a crisis meeting - keeping H completely out of it until you, as a family, have decided what you can do.

THEN, ideally united, you and your family will present HIM with the wake up call.

I guarantee that this man will either ruin the memory of your concert by delivering the blow immediately after the concert, or he'll fuck up christmas.

Worst case scenario, he does nothing and you bite your lip till the New Ffing year!

Unthinkable.

Gather your siblings. With any luck, by the time the concert comes around, the shock will have passed and everyone'll be constructive and strong.

Please listen to all this good advice and tell your mum and sisters as soon as possible. You will need them.

Agree completely that no one, especially not your mum, will thank you for delaying until after the concert.

My memories of a huge and otherwise happy family event are forever tainted by finding out shortly afterwards that my H was shagging elsewhere and was plotting his escape, and I hate him for that.

(For the record, once his secret was blown wide open and I'd thrown him out, the OW wasn't such an attractive option and he is now living alone)

It rankles that you suffer and put on a brave face while he walks around thinking he's so clever. Racing heart or sick feeling in the pit of your stomach "in sickness and in health" indeed.

By the time the memorial comes round, you could be in a much happier place and all this indecision could be behind you. You will have had the confrontation and be rebuilding your life, surrounded by loving family and friends.

Fairenuff - u suit ur name, your absolutely right I could be better off by then. And I really feel ill at the moment like my jugular is about to burst open. Should I definitely tell fam before I confront dh? My sisters are coming down again next weekend so I could in theory tell them on sat night - dh is out, he claims he's recording a demo with his friend but I bet he's lying about that too. Then he's going to see his fam alone on sun for his step-dads bday, which would give us planning type time. I feel nervous just thinking about doing all this. I'm really not one for confrontation at all and am well used to internalising everything, but you're right, I'm going to go mental if I don't address this soon. Feels like control of my life has been snatched away from me.

OP - I think you really need some real life support - sisters, friends? Let someone listen to you, hold you, rage with you... You've had some really insightful help here but I do think you need to speak - hear yourself say it out loud, hear someone else's views who knows you and him.
What a horrible time for you but your inner strength which shines through WILL enable you to deal with this.

I think you should talk to your DH when he gets back tonight.

De lurking to say please tell your sisters next Saturday night, have Sunday to plan and then do it. Honestly, it'll make you ill to keep it to yourself for 6 weeks. The relief you feel when you tell your family will surprise you. So much better to surround yourself with people who love you and want the best for you. Done spend any more time than necessary with him. It sucks the life from you.
Good luck op. hugs. Keep strong xxx

I think you need to gain support from family first tbh. Knowledge is power.

Knowledge, a supportive family and a baseball bat is absolute power! :)

If your family are supportive and won't urge you to Stand By Your Man or Turn a Blind Eye then ask to see them before next weekend, if you must. If they are proper family supporters, they'll come instantly to help.

Personally, I'd need supportive people after something like this, but I wouldn't need them before. I can't see at the moment what extra value they'll bring to the proposition of confronting your husband with all the evidence. I guess if you're not good at confrontation and they are, they could spur you on, but if that's the case, get their help now and don't wait till nest weekend.

I think the denouement needs to happen now or within the next couple of days. The more delays you build in, the more likely it is that you'll keep shelving it.

I'd tell them after I'd confronted him.

Do what you would have done if you hadn't had your father's concert to consider.

I think you probably need to have this out with your husband first. Keeping this to yourself is evidently doing you a lot of harm.

Then, once you know what is what, you turn to your family for support.

Then, you and your family can decide if any changes need to be made re the memorial concert.

I think your only purpose in telling them first is to put off the inevitable.

Agree with WhiteandGreen. Confront him now, get him to leave so you can have space and phone your family.

Be strong and remember, he is wrong for what he has done/is doing - there will be time to talk things over with him (about your relationship etc) at a later point, but right now your emotional, physical and mental health is what is most important.

You have to take control back, and the sooner the better (for you). Good luck. xx

It depends- you know that he and the ow have been 'a secret team' for some time now - if you feel it would make you stronger to have a team behind you now, then get their help. This is no way to live.

But what a scumbag he is to do this to you.