Suspicious behaviour - not sure what to do, feeling sick

[abneysporridge]

Have come here to reach out as I really don't think I can tell anyone my suspicions in real life. Have been with dh for 13 years - 6 married - and have 3 ds's age 4, 3 and 7 mths - so life is pretty mad as u can guess! For a while now dh's behaviour has been really strange and at first I thought it was just stress from work combined with the mentalness of home life, but alarm bells rang when we were at a friends party about 3 weeks ago and he got really shit-faced and was great fun with everyone else but really confrontational with me - accusing me of eyeing up 'that guy' over there and how I'm not interested in him any more. It really blindsided me - we've never rowed or broken up, always been a good team, it was just so out of character. So I started noticing everything at that point - how disengaged he was with the kids, and my daily chatter about them, his over- zealous personal grooming and my god the diet he's on is just insane - it's working he's lost loads of weight - but he's starving himself, and mainly how he never NEVER let's his mobile out of his sight.
Recently I got him a new contract under my account as we can get a discount - his old phone smashed and we did all this quickly before he really had time to think about it - which allows me to look at the itemised bills online (I don't think he knows I can do this) and there were hundreds of texts and short calls to this one number - sometimes at odd hours - which I knew to be his female colleague. When he was in the shower one morning (he'd brought the phone into the bathroom) I checked his messages to see what on earth he's been chatting to her about and he'd deleted them all. Which is very suspicious I think. Honestly I don't know what to do with all this - I don't even know if its really an affair so if I start accusing him it could be a disaster and I don't want to tell any family or friends in case they hate him and it will never be the same again. I feel nervous all the time like my ears are ringing and I'm drowning , but I've got to try and be as normal as poss for the sake of the kids. Admittedly I've been distant and putting him way down the priority list for years, so maybe this was inevitable, I just never thought he was the type of guy capable of doing this. I hate feeling like my world is on shakey foundations, I work so bloody hard to give our kids a good life, which means putting my needs absolute last, I don't get why he can't do the same - maybe men just can't, selfish creatures that they are.
Sorry for sounding off in an essay basically! I just don't know what my next move should be - this past week I've been really positive and kind to him in the hopes he can see he has all he needs at home, but I don't feel connected to him at all anymore - like maybe he's got one foot out the door. So depressing. I always thought we were solid

Yes! Shitty b&b! Premier inns are way too comfortable! Preferably a room without onsuite and no options to have dinner. Maybe even room only. You really don't want to make it nice for him.

What's whatsapp?

Ok, what I don't get here is why she needs further proof that he is cheating. He is and the fact that she knows about it is what counts.

He can deny things but denial or acceptance is not what would solve the problem.

I think OP that what you have here is a fantastic opportunity to evaluate your relationship, your life and what you want out of it. And the perfect opportunity to change course.

You say he doesn't seem interested in you, but you also say that you can't be bothered about his interests either. Neither of you seem to have taken much care in keeping the relationship alive as you both are more focused on other more pressing subjects. You both may have fallen out of love years ago, so don't try to sort this marriage out of pride or the idea of what marriages/parenthood should be.

I spent 7 years with a husband who was a nice person but I no longer loved. Looking back I cannot understand now why I didn't leave him earlier on, but I remember endless conversations over the years where I was begging for a divorce and he kept saying we were all right. It blows my mind nowadays why on Earth I thought I needed to have his approval to leave him.

You are afraid of being a single mother, well... Single parenthood is not for the faint hearted but you will find the strength to do it, when you need to cope you just do, and probably you are doing that already anyway. You say you work hard to provide for the family which sounds to me like you already have the tools to survive and make your family thrive. Don't forget that the children will continue to have a dad even if you don't live under the same roof.

I would like to say that one thing I have found interesting about being a divorced woman is that most of us agree that it was far more difficult to take the decision to leave than dealing with the consequences of that decision.

Best of luck!

Think through what you're going to do if he refuses to leave - you can't just chuck him out if he doesn't want to go and hasn't threatened you in any way.

Perhaps he'll go meekly - as he certainly should if he has a shred of decency in him - but if he doesn't what will you do? If you've 'rehearsed' this in your mind and not considered the possibility that he might refuse to go then you'll find it even more difficult to deal with.

Don't wait. Tell your mum and sisters now. They wouldn't want to put you through a month of waiting for the concert... there has to be other ways of making the concert work. Don't let him be the one to take charge.

I mean if he is googling stuff about how to leave you he may well drop the bombshell soon and wrong foot you.

Oops cross posted but I stand by what I said, decide what you want to do, forget about his needs when thinking about what decision to take.

But whatever you do, don't "save" this marriage out of pride.

Thanks again for your responses. My 'd-day' is nov 16th, the day of the concert. And no it couldn't go ahead without dh as he was in a band with my dad and sisters and they will be performing together, plus dh is running sound for the other performers. I'm stage managing the whole thing so will be kept busy, which is good I think. I feel if I told him now that I know and that I want him out I would lose some power if that makes sense - I would have shown my hand but still have him under my roof, and in my bed, giving him time to try and lie, minimise, blame me, blame the kids, bargain, plead etc.. And I don't want to be susceptible to that. I must hold firm or we will just continue living a lie.
Tessa - ur right about the adrenaline, I feel it everyday, my pulse is racing I'm twitchy and nervous - one night i snuck a look at his phone while he was snoring away and my heart was beating so fast I thought I was going to have a cardiac event right there. To that end, I think I will visit the gp and 'confide' what's going on in a broad way, maybe get a counselling referral or something, because I don't want my own health to suffer because of this. I am definitely stressed - sometimes i feel like a grenade has gone off inside my body and im trying to conceal it - so I think your right I need to confide in a real person and I think I have a person in mind - a mum at the school who I've gotten to know pretty well and has a lovely calm manner. And I will defo write things down, maybe in diary format, because ur right he will skew things when confronted and I need to remember the next 6 weeks in fine detail. I also feel like this is a sort of countdown - 6 weeks exactly and it will all be over (the cloak and dagger phase anyway), 6 weeks and then I can tell people, let them help me, let them pick up the slack while I openly mourn my marriage. Also it's 6 weeks of us being a unit, a nuclear family of five, in which I will try to get us doing fun stuff, spend some quality time, and will tell dh off if he neglects his time with the kids. Feels a bit like a death sentence but I know it needs to happen, he has hurt me so very deeply and I won't tolerate it beyond that date.

Hey babes, you sound like you have changed, you sound stronger and as tho you are making your own decisions about this. Like you know it is true and you are taking your own time to deal with it. Well done you xxx huge hugs and yes def tell your GP and that mum at school xx and us xx

Yes, get your support system round you tight and book a free session with a solicitor.

Abby, you seem very clear about what you want. it is a fantastic idea to seek some counselling, Relate is great (and quicker to access) and it could help you organise your thoughts and feelings so you can start with your new life with the right foot either if you decide to stay or leave.

I would warn you the next few weeks will be very very sad, as you already know you are leaving and you will start seeing things in a very different and painful way. But this time will also help you to prepare and sort things for whatever comes next.

However, as juvenile as it sounds, it is easier to put yourself together after a split if you try to avoid seeing yourself as a victim, so if he comes to tell you that he is leaving you. Just say "no, you are not leaving me, I know about it, I don't see in you the person I once loved and I was just putting some things in place before I asked you to leave" or something in the likes, keep your head high if you can.

Something2say - I feel I have changed since seeing the evidence for myself and being made to believe it. I feel empowered but I find I struggle to hold onto that feeling sometimes as I'm also really sad, and stressed obviously. My mum has been using a lovely lady solicitor for my dads affairs so I will try to see her I think. Tuesdays and Thursdays I have both ds's at school and pre-school so that's my window for getting stuff done with just the baby in tow.

If he tells you that he is leaving, just say 'Bye then'. He will be shocked that you don't care after building himself up for the big confrontation. Just tell him 'Fine, I don't want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me. I'm worth more than that'.

I think you are using the memorial service as an excuse or put this off. And then you will decide that given how emotionally charged the service is, then that is not the right time either. There really is no right time.

You talk about putting your own needs last, and you are angry that your DH doesn't do that. Putting your own needs last is not healthy and it is exactly what you are doing here, putting your own needs behind your mothers. Six weeks is enough time to sort out something else for the service.

If your DH is a cheater and a liar why do you want to let him do the concert knowing that is what he is? I highly doubt your family members would want him to be part of something so memorable whilst doing what he is doing.

Chandra - I know I said earlier I've lost interest in his art, I didn't put that very well... I meant that while seeing him perform on stage used to be thrilling and impressive for me, these days I'm more thrilled and impressed by him when he, say, spontaneously takes the kids to the park so I can have a shower, or offers to do the shopping on the way home - and those things do happen, he's not a complete douche when it comes to pitching in, but those are the things that see me through. When he writes a song or a story and wants me to listen I'm like 'yeah I will, but can I sort this out first' and he takes that as a slight against him. He thinks 'Him' is his music and creativity, and I would argue that 'him' should now be husband, father, with artist coming a dead last.
I think after he leaves and reality kicks in, he will come to his senses and see what he's losing - especially when no-one is talking to him anymore - and he will beg to come back. I think however the trust is too broken to rebuild but we'll cross that bridge...

I have just read the whole thread and I'm so sorry this is happening. It's truly awful ( been there myself)

You are a strong woman, bringing up 3 young children and working and running a house and coping with so much emotional turmoil is no mean feat. Be kind to yourself x

Someone once told me to look at a picture of myself when I was little and ask what I would want in life for this innocent toddler. It helped me get my angry head on .

I would also look at your situation from your Dads point of view. I understand you not wanting to rock the boat until after the concert but how would your Dad have felt about your DH's behaviour towards his daughter (you)? Would he really want him to be paying tribute to him when he was behaving so despicably towards you?

I wish you nothing but strength. You will be ok xxxx

Wowserz - this is the question I have been wrangling with - I know my family wouldn't want me to be suffering as I am now, I know they will look after me when I tell them. But I also know I need time to bring this out into the open. I am at my mums now having stayed over, my sisters too, and I almost told them all everything, but I kept it in and do feel better for it. They will mourn my marriage almost as much as me and now is not the time for that. Maybe I am stalling...but I know now is not the time. And premier inn is only £25 which is why I thought of it! Dh can pay me back later

So sorry Abney, this sounds so horribly stressful. Is there any way you could confront and get rid of him now? To avoid carrying this around for the next six weeks.

He could still do the concert for your dad couldn't he? I understand he played with your dad and sisters, and that he is an integral part of the concert, but perhaps that could still go ahead, even after he'd had his marching orders. You don't necessarily need to be together for him to pay tribute to your father.

Just worrying about the stress of keeping this under your hat for the next six weeks while living under the same roof. The grief and preparation for the concert is more than enough strain, without having to carry this around with you

Whatever you decide, I wish you the strength you need to get through this dreadful and shocking time

I think you should tell your mum and sisters. And I really think that it's ok to cancel the band for the memorial. You can do something else instead. What if your dh broke his arm or something, you would have to cancel then and wouldn't think twice about it.

Why is your broken heart less important. Stop putting everyone else before you. Tell your mum and ask her to support you.

I would not bother with booking him a Premier Inn room and he won't pay you back either. Where he goes is not actually your problem.

Your children are likely sensing that something between you two is not right but cannot articulate their feelings of unease.

I would use the next few weeks to work out fully where you stand legally in terms of finances and residency re the children.

It may well be an idea to start talking to your mother as well, your body's stress responses are going into overdrive and too much adrenaline can make you ill.

I would call time on this now, if you continue with your part of this charade of your marriage till the memorial service I feel it is something you will deeply regret in the long run and will perhaps even affect how you feel about such a highly emotionally charged service in years to come. You need to put yourself first now for a change. Why should your H now be a part of this at all after all his actions towards you?.

have been lurking for a while, Abney, but now want to say how strong I think you are. You have made a decision that you believe is right for you. I think you are incredible and I wish you all the best for the future.

Please consider how tainted your future memories of the memorial will be by his presence.