Suspicious behaviour - not sure what to do, feeling sick

[abneysporridge]

Have come here to reach out as I really don't think I can tell anyone my suspicions in real life. Have been with dh for 13 years - 6 married - and have 3 ds's age 4, 3 and 7 mths - so life is pretty mad as u can guess! For a while now dh's behaviour has been really strange and at first I thought it was just stress from work combined with the mentalness of home life, but alarm bells rang when we were at a friends party about 3 weeks ago and he got really shit-faced and was great fun with everyone else but really confrontational with me - accusing me of eyeing up 'that guy' over there and how I'm not interested in him any more. It really blindsided me - we've never rowed or broken up, always been a good team, it was just so out of character. So I started noticing everything at that point - how disengaged he was with the kids, and my daily chatter about them, his over- zealous personal grooming and my god the diet he's on is just insane - it's working he's lost loads of weight - but he's starving himself, and mainly how he never NEVER let's his mobile out of his sight.
Recently I got him a new contract under my account as we can get a discount - his old phone smashed and we did all this quickly before he really had time to think about it - which allows me to look at the itemised bills online (I don't think he knows I can do this) and there were hundreds of texts and short calls to this one number - sometimes at odd hours - which I knew to be his female colleague. When he was in the shower one morning (he'd brought the phone into the bathroom) I checked his messages to see what on earth he's been chatting to her about and he'd deleted them all. Which is very suspicious I think. Honestly I don't know what to do with all this - I don't even know if its really an affair so if I start accusing him it could be a disaster and I don't want to tell any family or friends in case they hate him and it will never be the same again. I feel nervous all the time like my ears are ringing and I'm drowning , but I've got to try and be as normal as poss for the sake of the kids. Admittedly I've been distant and putting him way down the priority list for years, so maybe this was inevitable, I just never thought he was the type of guy capable of doing this. I hate feeling like my world is on shakey foundations, I work so bloody hard to give our kids a good life, which means putting my needs absolute last, I don't get why he can't do the same - maybe men just can't, selfish creatures that they are.
Sorry for sounding off in an essay basically! I just don't know what my next move should be - this past week I've been really positive and kind to him in the hopes he can see he has all he needs at home, but I don't feel connected to him at all anymore - like maybe he's got one foot out the door. So depressing. I always thought we were solid

I think one problem is, if he is careful, proof might be a long time coming.

I was fobbed off with lies for over five years. Mind you, I did confront early, so he was well warned and it made him even more careful.

Believe me, when you've made bargains with yourself that long about how you might just be wrong and you should stop being so suspicious, the truth when it comes our makes you angry and resentful as hell.

Don't do what I did. It was a terrible waste of my life. If you must have proof, and I can see why, then set all out to get it, and bring this phase to an end.

Proof is completely unnecessary if course. As I said below. But it does help with other people and it can help if you do divorce from a financial viewpoint. And i think some people forget how gaslighty and charming cheaters often are, with people other than their wives.

Oh sweetheart, patience really isn't your friend here. You will become an absolute shell of a woman if this goes on for much longer.

Most women in healthy relationships with good men would have a default of expecting a partner to tell the truth if confronted. Whether they get the truth is irrelevant to this point. I agree that a scared person who doesn't want his lies uncovered will lie, but in this post I'm focusing on th mindset of the person seeking the truth, not the person asked for it.

You believe he will deny, lie, minimise and try to make you feel worse.

Doesn't that tell you so much about how you regard him as a person, let alone as a partner?

Would you keep a friendship going with someone who you thought would lie, deny, minimise and make you feel worse when you asked for the truth? Would you?

francesca - I totally agree with you. No matter my H's failings and idiocies it never occurred to me that he would lie when I found texts. In fact he minimised, gaslighted me and hinted that he wanted to leave for about 24 hours before he finally admitted what had been going on and we started from there. But that 24 hours knocked my feet from under me.

That's what she's scared of, orm.

Onefewr - and affair my not always help financially with a divorce - someone I know spent £15000 trying to 'prove' his wife's adultery. Once they'd decided to go with 'irreconcilable differences' she admitted it...

when I confront him I need him to a) admit he has strayed, b) tell me if he loves her and wants to keep things going with her , and c) formulate a plan with me for our future as a family

When you confront him he will most likely a) deny or minimise b) tell you more lies and c) expect you get over it because 'nothing happened'

I think your expectations of his honesty are skewed. This is a man who is already cheating, remember. Hiding it and deleting the evidence. Cold, calm, calculated.

He is not going to suddenly change. You will never be able to truly trust him again. How you want to live your life is up to you but don't rely on him to make you happy because he can't.

Hi all , just typed a massive essay which appears to have been lost - v annoying! Just wanted to update u on my situation as you've been kind enough to let me bend ur ears. I have found and photographed loads of chat between dh and ow, and I think he might actually love her ffs. He had been using whatsapp rather than texting. I also looked through his browser history and found searches like 'in love with another woman' and 'want to leave wife and 3 kids' so I think his mind is made up. I am heartbroken tbh, but did need to see it in black and white with my own eyes before I could believe it. He is completely not the man I thought he was. Re what happens next, I know some of u will think I'm mad but I'm going to wait until after my dads memorial concert to confront him - and I mean literally right after, we'll thrash it out all night if we have to. The concert literally can't happen without dh and it means so much to my mum , I can't let it be ruined on top of everything else. Im gonna book him a premier inn now for the following night, where he goes after that is up to him, but he needs to leave. The trust is completely broken, and its the lies that hurt the most - the bare faced lies to my face.
So for now I'm just going to keep gathering intel, play it cool and try to keep a lid on my emotions. This will be the hardest time ever and I want to be fully prepared for it.
Thanks so much again for all your virtual support, it has meant a lot xx

You must be reeling but if/when you feel cold hard anger, harness it and accomplish what you can. Do what you think best regards timing of confrontation. It might be as well to have an approach in mind in case he for whatever reason bails out sooner..

I am sorry OP. Vent here, confide in a trusted rl friend to relieve some of what you're carrying by your self.

So sorry to hear that. Though given how strong the evidence was before surely it's better on the long run to know.

How soon is the memorial concert?

So sorry you are going through this.

I think booking him into a hotel is a brilliant idea.

We will be here for you.

Hi abs, so sorry for the pain of what you've discovered. Yet also congratulations at having taken control of the situation and now knowing what the truth is. You are much stronger and better off now. You've dealt with this brilliantly. If you'll permit me a little advice, here it is.

As you have done, keep proof of everything. It will help you to refer to it and he is likely to delete or 'misremember' it.

Confront whenever you want. Bear in mind that he may have the family event in mind as well as a marker to be reached and he may even have told OW that: 'after that, we can be together' etc etc.

That feeling you are having? It's adrenaline. It's a very important physical response which is designed to protect you and keep you strong enough to say and do what you know to be right. The issue with waiting to confront is that you should be prepared that the adrenaline might subside. That doesn't mean anything. It can be good because when you finally discuss it you will be calmer and more rational. But it also means that you will be more susceptible to explanation, rationalisation and lies. When you fake an 'everything's normal' phase, the brain and body can't help but try and justify that on some level and you will find a weird split emerges between a version of you that has seen all this and is shocked, angry and decisive and another version of you that begins to notice all the good things, that begins to grieve for and romanticise the relationship whilst you are still in it. This is natural but complicated and you may find yourself far too reasonable and understanding come D-day. It might not feel like that now but Iw ould really advise you seriously to write down what you feel right now so you can refer to it later. Actually. As in do it now. If you wrote down your bottom line, like I suggested before, I suggest you look at it again now and draw comparison with what you have discovered. If you feel that you are are tempted to now write down another, different bottom line, by all means do so, but cross out the old one and make sure you can see how many of these you are prepared to crash through to keep hold of someone who is consulting google as to whether or not he should leave his wife and kids. He will frame this as panicky 'thought experiments' probably. But you have access to what he thinks are innermost, private thoughts. There is no agenda there. Anything he tells you will have a massive, biased agenda and be very very hard to trust.

Be strong. You're okay, and you will be okay. Everything from now on will be truer and eventually better, whatever happens, I promise. However painful. The hotel and so on is brilliant. Plan ahead. Take control.

The concert is one month away?

What a twat DH is. You however are brilliant. I am worried that coping with three small children, missing your dad and keeping this a secret will be too much of a burden for you. Can you confide in your sister or friends?

abneysporridge How stressful for you, please keep posting to offload. You are carrying a huge burden. I wonder if it wouldn't be better to let dh know you know, but will continue until the concert to put on a united front.
Then he'll share the burden and you hopefully will feel empowered.

How awful for you. Have you told anyone in real life yet? If not then please so so that when it all blows up you can have someone to talk to in person.

I wouldn't let on you know until after the memorial concert. I would stick to your plan. You need to keep your powder dry.

"I know some of u will think I'm mad but I'm going to wait until after my dads memorial concert to confront him - and I mean literally right after, we'll thrash it out all night if we have to. The concert literally can't happen without dh and it means so much to my mum , I can't let it be ruined on top of everything else. Im gonna book him a premier inn now for the following night, where he goes after that is up to him, but he needs to leave".

I would reconsider this re confronting him after such a highly charged emotional event. Its going to be a tough day for you and your mum. To do this to your H afterwards is just going to add to your own pain re your Dad's passing and could well further mar the memories of this memorial service. You could well collapse physically and mentally under the whole strain of it all.

Your H needs to leave now.

What part is H playing in this memorial concert; I presume he is providing the music. Is it really the case that this service for your Dad cannot happen without H?. There may well be someone else now who can step in. Your H has checked out completely from your family, why should he be a part of this service at all now given his actions?.

You sound like a very strong woman abney. I think you plan will empower you in having some control. Can you get friends on board to help you between now and then, mind DC so you can consult a solicitor (first 30 mins are free)

There is often an overwhelming exhaustion after such an emotional trauma and you will have to continue with life and 3 DC. ArsewipeH is going to be no use.

He will add to your stress by going through the thrownoutafteranaffairbehaviourcycle. This consists of denial, anger, attacks, anger, denial, pleading, lies, pleading, kindness, generous, sobbing, anger, offering to do anything he can..... emotional blackmail, anger, lies until you don't know what to expect or believe. You need RL support to get through this

I in some part agree with the concern about 'thrashing it out after the memorial concert'

I think, some how, find the ice cold fury you need to deal with this, and when you get back to the house, give him a bin bag and tell him to go.

Your immediate need for him is passed and now you need to focus on those who add to your life.

If you wait until HE decides to leave, you'll have little chance of recovery or working through this.

The only way you can bring him up short is by surprise, pulling the rug from under him and showing him what loss is all about.

Hold firm and show him every other weekend dad, and show him how much his dick will cost him.

You have a LOT more power than you think you do atm, so use it! If there's a chance your marriage can be saved, this is one of the tactics that can increase those chances succeeding.

Agree with the hotel too, and yes, we'll be here IN SPADES!

Don't think you won't have support, cos you will. Mumsnet is 24 hours, what the European dayshift can't do, the rest of world night shift (awesome bunch) will!

:)

So sorry that you have had your suspicions confirmed. Maybe he does love ow - I guess it can happen - but that doesn't give him any excuse for deceiving you and his 3 children. He's pretty naive not to clear his browser history isn't he?

First take some legal advice and make sure that you are 100% certain of what you can and can't do. eg if he hasn't been aggressive or threatening then I doubt you can chuck him out of the house at this stage.

Print off the sheaves of evidence that you have gathered. Present him with it calmly and coldly. Practice this if necessary. Do it soon - don't wait a month!!

He will break down. Tell him you're only asking one thing of him - his role at your father's concert. I think this will prevent him kicking off at it's giving him a little control.

Then following the concert tell him you want him to leave - you haVe the room booked. But I don't think there's anything you can do to force him to go.

If there's any chance you want him to stay with you, any chance at all, you should confront him now.

Stuff like being exiled from his family and unwelcome at his old bandmate's memorial service will help in bringing home to him what he is giving up for this secret "love" affair.

So sorry you are going through this and your husband is such a dick. Please dont let him play at your dad's memorial. Would your dad have wanted the arse who cheated on his beautiful daughter and his 3 grandchildren playing there?
The other problem with waiting for that date is the dickhead could also be waiting for that date before he leaves if you kick him too touch before you have the best chance of blindsiding him.
Good luck whatever you decide look after yourself and never blame yourself. He is an idiot and you are fabulous. And keep repeating x

If you really have to wait until the concert is over, I would use the time till then to start seeing a lawyer. Knowledge is power.