Suspicious behaviour - not sure what to do, feeling sick

[abneysporridge]

Have come here to reach out as I really don't think I can tell anyone my suspicions in real life. Have been with dh for 13 years - 6 married - and have 3 ds's age 4, 3 and 7 mths - so life is pretty mad as u can guess! For a while now dh's behaviour has been really strange and at first I thought it was just stress from work combined with the mentalness of home life, but alarm bells rang when we were at a friends party about 3 weeks ago and he got really shit-faced and was great fun with everyone else but really confrontational with me - accusing me of eyeing up 'that guy' over there and how I'm not interested in him any more. It really blindsided me - we've never rowed or broken up, always been a good team, it was just so out of character. So I started noticing everything at that point - how disengaged he was with the kids, and my daily chatter about them, his over- zealous personal grooming and my god the diet he's on is just insane - it's working he's lost loads of weight - but he's starving himself, and mainly how he never NEVER let's his mobile out of his sight.
Recently I got him a new contract under my account as we can get a discount - his old phone smashed and we did all this quickly before he really had time to think about it - which allows me to look at the itemised bills online (I don't think he knows I can do this) and there were hundreds of texts and short calls to this one number - sometimes at odd hours - which I knew to be his female colleague. When he was in the shower one morning (he'd brought the phone into the bathroom) I checked his messages to see what on earth he's been chatting to her about and he'd deleted them all. Which is very suspicious I think. Honestly I don't know what to do with all this - I don't even know if its really an affair so if I start accusing him it could be a disaster and I don't want to tell any family or friends in case they hate him and it will never be the same again. I feel nervous all the time like my ears are ringing and I'm drowning , but I've got to try and be as normal as poss for the sake of the kids. Admittedly I've been distant and putting him way down the priority list for years, so maybe this was inevitable, I just never thought he was the type of guy capable of doing this. I hate feeling like my world is on shakey foundations, I work so bloody hard to give our kids a good life, which means putting my needs absolute last, I don't get why he can't do the same - maybe men just can't, selfish creatures that they are.
Sorry for sounding off in an essay basically! I just don't know what my next move should be - this past week I've been really positive and kind to him in the hopes he can see he has all he needs at home, but I don't feel connected to him at all anymore - like maybe he's got one foot out the door. So depressing. I always thought we were solid

Betty's list is brilliant.

Abney, please believe in yourself. Some of us have been in your shoes, and thoroughly regret being taken in by gaslighting and bullshit. We understand that the backing off is due to the fear of being wrong, and a bad person for inventing it.

It isn't that you are wrong. You saw what you saw. It means only one thing: he is unfaithful.

But being in this situation can mess with your head. I swear that i was just like you, but looking back now I CANT BELIEVE I WAS EVER THAT GULLIBLE.

Don't let that happen to you. Stick to your guns, whoever he is and whatever he says, and regardless of what he was like before.

If he cries, it's damn certain he will be crying for himself.

I wish I had Bettys list before confronting my DH. He did everything on that list apart from plead with me and has never actually apologised. He cried - but for himself.

I'll be thinking of you. You have a whole lot of people here thinking of you.

YY to wishing I had Bettys list. Mine cried for hours but I think it was relief that yet again I'd saved him from having to do anything!!!
He did every single one of the others as well over time.
If you keep the list in mind Abney and Leaving, you could even smile as you tick them off ready to tell us later?x

It might be a good idea to pack an overnight bag for yourself so that if he won't leave, you can. All you need to do is pick up your bag and go to your mum's for the night. Hopefully that will shock him into taking you seriously. Especially if you have it packed and ready.

Good luck. You sound very clam. Keep it together.

Can you find out in any way whether he really is at 'Mike's' tonight? Subtly, without raising the alarm? Would be a nice bit of information to have before tomorrow.

Of course, if he was really at Mike's don't let that throw you either, as you know that the rest of the lies and deceit still exist.

Good luck. We're all here for you.

I agree with cosy. If you do have way to find out if he is sleeping at mike's then it would be handy to know. Good luck tomorrow.

I'm not sure that where he is tonight isn't a red herring. It doesn't matter where he is tonight, you know what you know.

Another lurker here Abney. Just wanted to wish you good luck and to let you know I'll be thinking of you. You sound like an incredibly strong, fantastic person. You will get over this, and you will be fine.

I've been lurking since you posted but you had such great advice I haven't said anything. I just want to say that I hope you're ok after this evenings chat

I just want to add how strong I think you are, you are a much much stronger person than I. How you have managed to keep a lid on this is beyond my comprehension. I was a total wreck when I found out what h had been doing, I hit the roof sideways, cried and blubbed like a child. I was devastated at what he'd done, not just to me but to our DC's. I wanted to hurt him and the OW. I couldn't eat or sleep properly for weeks, it was a living nightmare. My heart goes out to anyone going through a situation like this xx

In all honesty from what you said... It looks like he is......However it is very likely it's an attention and sex thing. It might be worth having a frank conversation with him and then seek some counselling to save your marriage... If that is what you both want?
This must be a totally crap time for you ....

Good luck today, thinking of you.

Quick update: last night my mum sent me a text asking if she could use h on Saturday to do some bits in a flat she's doing up for rental (a project my dad started and sadly couldn't finish), and I thought 'uh-oh, Saturday, I might have chucked him out'. So I asked her to swing by and see me and she did and I told her everything, and showed her everything I 'd found, to say she was shocked is an understatement. She says she thinks its almost like he's had a personality change, into an irresponsible manchild and was so angry, but supportive. She couldn't believe I'd kept this to myself, but glad I'd told my friend and the gp. She laid things out from a purely practical perspective, and we concluded that I would be absolutely fine, supported and ok financially. Whereas he stands to lose everything, starting with a bloody place to live. It felt really good to get it off my chest and to explain my weird behaviour of late, but I felt like I was giving her another bereavement .
Thank u Betty for that list - I have no doubt he'll go thru all of them!x

So glad you've been able to telk your mum, and that she has been really supportive. Thinking of you today.

You didn't give her a bereavement. He did and none of you could control that. Your mum will want the best for you.

Sounds like a great mum you've got there. You haven't done anything - he has. I'm sure your mum would rather know the truth and be able to support you, rather than be excluded but know something is up. Grief can be very wearing and having another thing to think about may not be so bad for your mum, even though it is a loss and a horrid thing, she can support you through this as I'm sure you've supported each other with the loss of your DF.

for you both

I've been following your thread for days and wanted to wish you good luck!

I had several confrontations with my husband and he never really spoke until I had hard evidence he had slept with the woman in question. I sat on that info for a month to plan my moment as he would lie deny and couldn't get him to talk. When my dday came I was very calm I spoke about what I knew (bluffed a little) but stayed very calm and I knew it was working he started talking but still admimant he didn't sleep with her. So I calmly said my final statement to him as were going round in circles. I've had enough of being lied too and I want to know if you slept with her, if you tell me know we can get through this and move on. If I find out down the line you have lied to me again I will be filing for divorse for adultery, so I'm going to ask you again.... Did you sleep with her?? ..... He stared crying and said yes! BINGO months of trying to get the truth.

Don't let him know how you got your info as they try to find out what you know and will lie and. If you need to bluff do it,
I got very sneaky and said I know something and kept repeting it and new info came out.

Stay calm don't scream don't shout

And never reveal your sources of info or what you have be vaige as it drives them mad not knowing what you know!

Good luck

I'm so glad your mother knows. You have proper support in place now and you're in a really strong place.
Personally, I'd consider printing off Betty's list and having it on my person when I confront him. Then, when he's been through a few I'd ostentatiously produce the list and tick the 'phases' off. That'd take the wind out of his bloody sails.
Good luck tonight.

Good luck tonight love. Hope it goes well and you get the answers you need.

abney - well done on telling your mum. It is so nice when family are behind you. I haven't told my family everything, but they have still been really supportive and it has helped immeasurably.

I had a pre-emptive strike on DP last night. When I got home late, I walked in on him in bed and he acted all suspicious - immediately clicking some stuff on his phone and putting it down on the bedside table. I went over and picked it up to look through it, and the panic on his face was a sight to behold! I could actually feel him quaking in the bed. I said "what's wrong? Why can't I look at your phone?" And he said it was just uncomfortable and he hated that I didn't trust him (lol!). He was fidgeting and sweating. He then tried to snatch a look at it but I pulled away. Really his reaction told me everything.

As it happens I did find some things on there (the "Tinder" app hidden in a secret folder for example) but I played it cool and pretended like I didn't see anything, cleared the history and handed it back. He was in a huff with me for the next hour which again tells me all I need to know about what a manchild he is. He swore he hadn't done anything wrong since the last time I caught him out and that it was awful how I didn't trust him. He also gaslighted ruthlessly by saying it wasn't true that he always had his phone on him (it is literally glued to him) and that he was baffled I would say such a thing.

I'm glad I got in this little pre-match warm-up in order to see how far he is prepared to lie and manipulate me. If anything it has just made me more determined to make mincemeat of him tonight.

abney I'm sure your DH would have done the same had you innocently asked to have a look at his phone. And TalkativeJim still has the best advice - ask him if there's anything he needs to tell you and then be quiet. Let him hoist himself with his own lying bastard petard.

I'm going to let him make me dinner tonight and confront afterwards. It feels apt

Popped in to say good luck later.

SO glad you've confided in your mum

It's not another bereavement for her. You are her daughter and she will feel sad for you and worried of course, but happy that you have been able to confide in her rather than feel you couldn't talk to her.

I would always want my daughters to come to me with their problems, no matter what else was going on/had been going on. That's what family are for.