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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Suspicious behaviour - not sure what to do, feeling sick

615 replies

abneysporridge · 28/09/2013 09:22

Have come here to reach out as I really don't think I can tell anyone my suspicions in real life. Have been with dh for 13 years - 6 married - and have 3 ds's age 4, 3 and 7 mths - so life is pretty mad as u can guess! For a while now dh's behaviour has been really strange and at first I thought it was just stress from work combined with the mentalness of home life, but alarm bells rang when we were at a friends party about 3 weeks ago and he got really shit-faced and was great fun with everyone else but really confrontational with me - accusing me of eyeing up 'that guy' over there and how I'm not interested in him any more. It really blindsided me - we've never rowed or broken up, always been a good team, it was just so out of character. So I started noticing everything at that point - how disengaged he was with the kids, and my daily chatter about them, his over- zealous personal grooming and my god the diet he's on is just insane - it's working he's lost loads of weight - but he's starving himself, and mainly how he never NEVER let's his mobile out of his sight.
Recently I got him a new contract under my account as we can get a discount - his old phone smashed and we did all this quickly before he really had time to think about it - which allows me to look at the itemised bills online (I don't think he knows I can do this) and there were hundreds of texts and short calls to this one number - sometimes at odd hours - which I knew to be his female colleague. When he was in the shower one morning (he'd brought the phone into the bathroom) I checked his messages to see what on earth he's been chatting to her about and he'd deleted them all. Which is very suspicious I think. Honestly I don't know what to do with all this - I don't even know if its really an affair so if I start accusing him it could be a disaster and I don't want to tell any family or friends in case they hate him and it will never be the same again. I feel nervous all the time like my ears are ringing and I'm drowning , but I've got to try and be as normal as poss for the sake of the kids. Admittedly I've been distant and putting him way down the priority list for years, so maybe this was inevitable, I just never thought he was the type of guy capable of doing this. I hate feeling like my world is on shakey foundations, I work so bloody hard to give our kids a good life, which means putting my needs absolute last, I don't get why he can't do the same - maybe men just can't, selfish creatures that they are.
Sorry for sounding off in an essay basically! I just don't know what my next move should be - this past week I've been really positive and kind to him in the hopes he can see he has all he needs at home, but I don't feel connected to him at all anymore - like maybe he's got one foot out the door. So depressing. I always thought we were solid Hmm

OP posts:
Fairenuff · 10/10/2013 08:16

Go you!

Be prepared for him trying to turn this around to be about something else. It's a deflection technique, to gain more thinking time.

For example, he might say, is this about last night? If he does things like that just say - you tell me. I know what I know, now I want to see if you can be honest with me - or something like that.

Fairenuff · 10/10/2013 08:17

Oh, and don't get him to swear on the childrens' lives because he will do that and that is soul destroying.

stowsettler · 10/10/2013 09:06

I feel really like I've achieved something by holding on til now

You really have! Must've been so hard but on the plus side, you've had a week to plan what to say, to anticipate his denials, minimising, deflecting and to generate the strength to treat them with the contempt they deserve.

I'll be thinking of you tomorrow. Good luck.

TalkativeJim · 10/10/2013 09:44

I've lurked on your thread and just wanted to say that I am sorry for what you're going through, and think that you're doing exactly the right thing.

Without a doubt, the best strategy is silence. He will be flustered, panicking, desperately trying to think on his feet and come up with excuses, how to minimise? How to make it sound as ok as it can be? Every point at which you talk gives him a breather during which he can think and come up with something to parry the accusations. So don't talk - tell him you know, ask him to tell you everything and then very patiently sit and listen. Listen hard and don't jump in with questions or start to argue or discuss when you know he's starting to lie. Just keep your eyes on his face and listen. When he stops, pleasantly ask whether that is everything you need to know. Don't let him goad you. If he asks you questions, just say that you know what you know and you'd rather hear what he has to say to you in it's entirety first. If he explodes and stomps off, tell him you will be with your family and will be ready to listen when he is ready to talk.

Quiet listening will achieve several things:

  • you will have a clear idea of what he has said. Rather than you half thinking of what to say next as he's speaking, you will really be listening...giving him a fair chance, if you will. Later, you can remind him of that.
  • what he says will be less open to later denial. Conversations are more complex- if he's speaking as you are angrily saying 'no, actually blah... -then two days down the line it's far easier for him to say, no, I didn't say x, you said this and then blah and I never actually said y...' He will have far less wriggle room.
  • As said, it will put him on the spot and give him no 'rest time' to frantically come up with stuff while you rant.
  • Silence will panic him. He will want to fill the horrid silence. He will therefore say much much more than he would otherwise. And he will probably start to trip himself up. You will get ten times more information out of him if you simply look impassively at him and let him talk.

Finally- you know that no matter what he says, what excuses and promises and manipulation he uses, there will be nothing he can say in reply to you simply saying, this is enough for me. I don't so much care about what you haven't done- you haven't slept with her, fine, ok. The point is what you have done - you've destroyed what we had, things won't be the same for me again, and no you can't make that right. So I'm out, because I don't want to live with it never being the same again.

Good luck.

onefewernow · 10/10/2013 11:32

TJ, I think you are right. The only thing is, if he is a manipulative type, he may try silence back eg deny and sit there looking right back, in silence.

Abs you have done well, and he certainly is in for a shock, the smug lying B. All this talk about the weekend plans, he is pretty good at the Jekyll and Hyde stuff, isn't he?

Spelt · 10/10/2013 11:33

Good luck, hope it goes as well as it can. This is probably good timing as having spent the night with her he will (presumably) be feeling guilty.

fluffyraggies · 10/10/2013 11:48

abney the tone of your posts have changed and it's so good to see :)

You're using words like 'empowerment' and 'achievement' and you haven't even confronted him yet! It's all good. I know Friday night is going to be an emotional storm for you - but it's going to be so good for your soul to have this out in the open, have him know his dirty secret is about to be laid bare for friends and family to see, and for you to no longer be treated like a mushroom - kept in the dark and fed bullsh*t!

We'll all be sending you strength on Friday :)

skyeskyeskye · 10/10/2013 11:50

well done for getting this far. stay strong and don't take any bullshit from him

leavingthebastard · 10/10/2013 12:02

abney I will be with you in spirit on Friday night as I am intending to have precisely the same conversation with my DP. So not only are you not alone on this board, but you're not alone in life either :)

I will start by asking for his phone, followed by getting him to log into his email. Then I will take it from there. TalkativeJim has some excellent advice. What I've already discovered is enough to end things, but I want to know if there is any more.

Be strong and try and stay in touch with your fury. Anger is what will get you through this. It is what I am telling myself! You sound brilliant and I wish you were my friend IRL and we could commiserate about our bastard lying partners together over a cuppa!

cjel · 10/10/2013 12:10

Abney and Leaving, In a way having mn friends is better because you can talk 24hrs a day and none of us get fed up listening. A lot of us are at different places to you two but clearly remember the pain that follows such betrayal.
I will be thinking of you both tomorrow and abney your RL friend sounds like she is doing wonders for your self esteem,
Stay strong (and quiet)Smile

SassyPants · 10/10/2013 12:21

TJ that advice was really tops.

Abney I'm in awe of the grace with which you've handled this. Your NSDH may not have learnt it,but it sounds as though your boys will definitely Know how a woman deserves to be treated.

Hissy · 10/10/2013 12:42

I'll be thinking of you both abney and leaving too!

We're here if you need us!

You are both so strong! Really!

something2say · 10/10/2013 13:09

I'll be thinking of you all tomorrow night too. Well done xxx

TalkativeJim · 10/10/2013 13:13

Onefewer, yes he might do that...and I guess that OP's reply to that approach would be to say, 'fine- your response of no response still tells me everything I need to know. Goodbye.'

See, the thing that's really giving OP power here is that she's made her decision already based on what she already knows. While it would be much better if he had the guts and the respect for his wife to at least be honest with her, it isn't going to change things now anyway. She isn't exactly a going to be a tearful mess hanging on his every word hoping for an explanation. So, I guess if he were to completely stonewall, it would do nothing save to underline just how little respect he has for their life together and just how much she is making the right decision to end the marriage.

onefewernow · 10/10/2013 14:15

Yes, I agree, TJ.

Original poster
abneysporridge · 10/10/2013 14:26

Leaving - I am with u in spirit! When are u planning on confronting your dp?
I've been finding my nerves have crept in again this afternoon and I'm doubting what I know...what if I've jumped to conclusions? What if he thinks I'm paranoid and laughs it off? I just hate that I have to face this and be stressed out by it in the mean time. It's not fair is it.

OP posts:
Glenshee · 10/10/2013 14:29

Stick to your guns abney!

impatienttobemummy · 10/10/2013 14:35

Good luck tomorrow you are going to smash this, forearmed is forewarned and you are both. I really admire your patience and grace, I mentioned before my Dsis had the same approach and boy did it work. Shock for him didnt even cover it! You have cried and felt sad and now are ready for action. Ill be thinking of you tomorrow night

OrmirianResurgam · 10/10/2013 16:23

No it's not fair abney. But you are doing so well x

something2say · 10/10/2013 16:31

Talk us thro it again Abney.

What have you found? Lets get it straight xxx

JoinYourPlayfellows · 10/10/2013 16:38

"What if he thinks I'm paranoid and laughs it off?"

He told her he LOVES her.

If he tries to laugh that off you just tell him to cop the fuck on.

Twinklestein · 10/10/2013 16:45

He will try and make out that you're being paranoid & he will try to bluff.

Stick to your guns & keep repeating "I have concrete evidence you are having an affair, please leave."

He'll ask you what proof you have: you do not need to tell him.

Don't be drawn into splitting hairs over exactly what you know & how far they've gone. Even it's an EA that hasn't got physical yet, he's still been unfaithful, so it's not relevant.

Thisisaeuphemism · 10/10/2013 16:51

But also be aware there is a possibility he might say, yes, that he wants out.

Expect the unexpected- you cant anticipate his reaction but you can prepare your own. You've been v strong.

BettyBotter · 10/10/2013 17:05

Hi Abney
Be prepared for any or perhaps all of the following reactions:

  • The gaslighting He will bluster, laugh and act like you're a crazy neurotic. (He'll say it's all in your mind.)
  • The aggression. He'll get angry with you. How dare you check his phone? How can he live with someone who spies on him?
  • The blaming You drove him to it because you're such a nag/ so mean/ so boring/ so busy/ so overweight. (Delete his excuse as appropriate.)
  • The rewriting of history - In fact, he'll say, he's been miserabable for years.He's never been happy.
  • The stone walling - This is the cold, cruel refusal to respond to you at all. You'll see a side of him you don't recognise while he packs his bags.
  • The rubbing it in your face - He may enjoy flaunting his 'love for the OW in front of you. (He'll say she's his true love, his soul mate, she makes him happy unlike you etc.)
  • The begging - He may resort to apologies, pleading, pathetic snotty,appeals to you to give him a chance.

The advice to listen and stay quiet is good. Say your piece and watch his reactions. check them off the list above Don't make any decisions straight away, let it sink in and respond when you have had time to calm down.

Good luck. You sound strong.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 10/10/2013 17:07

He might counteract with accusations you are losing the plot, overreacting or unreasonably jealous or possessive. He could become spiteful and unleash a list of hitherto unspoken complaints and criticisms. If he is going to try and turn it around he will twist any discomfort and distress and make you feel responsible.

Stick to the facts of what he has said and done. You may find that you have to repeat yourself if he tries to laugh it off or evade giving any answers. In spite of all, he may try and brazen things out from habit or because he can't grasp you have caught him out.

Don't empathise or make excuses for him, don't backtrack and fgs don't apologise. Breathe and sit down if your legs feel they'll give way. Stay sitting if you are sitting, or if standing up physically step back to keep emotional space. If you stay calm and he erupts or starts shouting, step away.

He may react badly then suddenly do a 180 degree turn and apologise. If he cries or reels off self justification it doesn't exonerate him. If he blames her for ensnaring him remember his ardent texting and contrived get-togethers, the time at work they've had to cook up deceit and all the time you were sitting at home, oblivious.

Good luck abney.