Suspicious behaviour - not sure what to do, feeling sick

[abneysporridge]

Have come here to reach out as I really don't think I can tell anyone my suspicions in real life. Have been with dh for 13 years - 6 married - and have 3 ds's age 4, 3 and 7 mths - so life is pretty mad as u can guess! For a while now dh's behaviour has been really strange and at first I thought it was just stress from work combined with the mentalness of home life, but alarm bells rang when we were at a friends party about 3 weeks ago and he got really shit-faced and was great fun with everyone else but really confrontational with me - accusing me of eyeing up 'that guy' over there and how I'm not interested in him any more. It really blindsided me - we've never rowed or broken up, always been a good team, it was just so out of character. So I started noticing everything at that point - how disengaged he was with the kids, and my daily chatter about them, his over- zealous personal grooming and my god the diet he's on is just insane - it's working he's lost loads of weight - but he's starving himself, and mainly how he never NEVER let's his mobile out of his sight.
Recently I got him a new contract under my account as we can get a discount - his old phone smashed and we did all this quickly before he really had time to think about it - which allows me to look at the itemised bills online (I don't think he knows I can do this) and there were hundreds of texts and short calls to this one number - sometimes at odd hours - which I knew to be his female colleague. When he was in the shower one morning (he'd brought the phone into the bathroom) I checked his messages to see what on earth he's been chatting to her about and he'd deleted them all. Which is very suspicious I think. Honestly I don't know what to do with all this - I don't even know if its really an affair so if I start accusing him it could be a disaster and I don't want to tell any family or friends in case they hate him and it will never be the same again. I feel nervous all the time like my ears are ringing and I'm drowning , but I've got to try and be as normal as poss for the sake of the kids. Admittedly I've been distant and putting him way down the priority list for years, so maybe this was inevitable, I just never thought he was the type of guy capable of doing this. I hate feeling like my world is on shakey foundations, I work so bloody hard to give our kids a good life, which means putting my needs absolute last, I don't get why he can't do the same - maybe men just can't, selfish creatures that they are.
Sorry for sounding off in an essay basically! I just don't know what my next move should be - this past week I've been really positive and kind to him in the hopes he can see he has all he needs at home, but I don't feel connected to him at all anymore - like maybe he's got one foot out the door. So depressing. I always thought we were solid

Hi Abney, I have'nt posted on your thread before but I have been following events as they have unfolded. Just wanted to lend you my support for today. You are doing the right thing. I'm sure it will be a difficult evening but you may feel a relief to get it all off your chest. Stay strong. Sounds like you have good support from your friends and family in RL and also MN is always here to listen and hold your hand too.

Hi Abney,

I've been following your thread and just wanted to wish you luck for later.

Really pleased you confided in your mum. She sounds lovely

Another one just popping on to give you my support and admiration. You are incredibly strong.

I just want to add my support ! You will come through this!

Hi abney have been following your thread and I'm so pleased you've told your mum, she sounds wonderful

Wishing you strength and good luck for later

en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Psychological_manipulation

Look at the list by Simon, under 'How manipulators control their victims.'

That's what they do, when confronted.

I hope your conversation goes as smoothly as it can tonight. I hope it's not too much of a battle and he spills his guts without being horrid and difficult, because you don't deserve that.
Remember you have the upper hand, the power here, you are forewarned and therefore forearmed. He has not had time to make a battle plan, (at least not for today, it may well be he was planning such a thing for after the concert?) your catching him off guard. So good luck

Another one de-lurking to wish you strength and support. You will be fine, my love, you really will. Well done for doing the right thing! both for you and your DSs.

Hi abney,

I haven't posted on this thread prior but I have followed what has been going on.

I just want to offer you some support (having been in your situation myself) the best advice I can offer is to stick to your guns, don't settle for anything less than what you feel is the truth for you.

If when confrontation time comes and he refuses to be truthful or to confess you have to keep the cold, calm collected stance up. Don't let him break you down with niceties or begging and pleading that it was only a text/email/kiss, essentially you have to treat him like you would a toddler who says they didn't draw all over the walls when the crayon is still in their hand. If you don't believe what he is telling you then don't believe him....don't let him talk it all round into seeming reasonable or less than what it really is. The sooner he realizes that he can't talk you round the sooner he will tell the truth as that will be the only card he has left to play.

On my d-day I can't believe how far I had to go in the end to get the truth....he covered his backside, denied, lied, minimized, begged and pleaded, loved me etc etc then finally when there was nothing left that he could do and no where else to go I got the truth....though sadly it came from the OW before it came from him. That is how far it went, I had to bloody ring her (from his phone) in front of him!!! She was lovely and I thanked her for the truth, if only I'd had MN back then I doubt I would have had to resort to contacting her.

I am wishing you lots of strength and I hope you get the truth.

Good luck tonight abney. Be prepared for what you want out of the conversation, his response may surprise or shock you, but try and remain in control. Thinking of you.

Thanks everybody, lurkers and advisers alike, it's been so reassuring to know other women have lived thru this and survived - with or without their marriages intact.
My mum came to help me early this morn, then my friend who I confided in on mon came back for a cuppa after the school run , and we sort of had a brainstorming meeting type thing about it - it's so amazing to have it out there and not crammed in my head anymore. The whole situation is just so sad and we concluded that dh has massively lost his way and just isn't thinking about the consequences of his juvenile actions. I need to know from him tonight what he honestly thought was going to happen - would he have carried on indefinitely with this double life charade if I hadn't confronted him? Would he have just left abruptly one day? I want him to really think about it and vocalise it, because he has been my best friend for so many years and he needs to treat me like it, instead of the ball and chain he slinks home to reluctantly. Whatever happens tonight , he needs to start being honest with himself even if he can't stretch to doing that with me, for the sake of our boys who need to know and see what a real man is.

Go abney go :) Be strong

Good luck sweetie,
Everyone is rooting for you and no matter the outcome you are doing the right thing.
I went through this pre marriage. we managed to move on but the trust has never quite rebuilt itself 100%.
Stay brave!

What's the Tinder app?

Great to have that support Abney.
Very best of luck to you.

Your DH is an idiot.

And yeah, my mum is frickin amazing - she has deep reserves of strength I can only aspire to achieve. She was on holiday with my dad pretty much this exact time last year and he all but dropped dead after going for a swim and his aorta ruptured. She was suddenly flung into chaos and has come thru it with her dignity and grace well intact, and as she says regarding my errant dh 'nothing surprises her anymore'. In a way I'm glad my dad didn't have to see how dh turned out as he would have been heartbroken - they were good buddies. Urgh, dh why did u have to go and be such a twatttttt??!!

The hardest thing for me was trying to get my head around how a man so involved in his family could just give it all up for an inferior model My dd was working with us so had to have contact but ds didn't have contact for months and months and H missed out(and still does) on the dgcs he used to see daily.

One thing I would say would be to not waste time thinking why he is an idiot/not thinking straight/having a breakdown. Those really don't matter, he has done something you don't like and its time to think about you and what you do like.

Hi Abney,
Just read your whole thread and you are just doing so amazingly well. MN can be such a great source of support and advice and I can see that you've taken on board all the wise words offered to you.

Be true to yourself tonight and your little ones and drop kick your scheming h out of your life.

Thinking of you.

Loop - it's a hook up phone app. You put in your photo and location and other people near you can IM you. Then you arrange to meet. It's all in real time - not like a dating site. So the intent is really just sex.

Best of luck. Remember the list. You'll be amazed at how he'll probably go right down the list and tick practically every box. (plus being prepared means he's less likely to sway you with his behaviour as well)

OP just read this - I could cry for you.... So sorry you are having to deal with this.... Good to read you have a plan and such great support.

Best of luck today.

Another here wishing you luck tonight.
Hope it goes as well as it can!
Will come back and check on how things went later.
Thinking of you!

All the best tonight abney and leaving. It is so unfair that you have to go through this. Wishing you both every bit of strength that you need.

Thinking of you tonight, Abney. Remember, when it is you speaking, less is more.

There will be a lot of people holding your hand tonight.

Absolutely less is more- although a well placed 'my dad would have been disgusted with you' might make him pause.

I'm so sorry he's put you through this - three very young children, a grieving wife. Whatever he comes out with, he is a shit.