Suspicious behaviour - not sure what to do, feeling sick

[abneysporridge]

Have come here to reach out as I really don't think I can tell anyone my suspicions in real life. Have been with dh for 13 years - 6 married - and have 3 ds's age 4, 3 and 7 mths - so life is pretty mad as u can guess! For a while now dh's behaviour has been really strange and at first I thought it was just stress from work combined with the mentalness of home life, but alarm bells rang when we were at a friends party about 3 weeks ago and he got really shit-faced and was great fun with everyone else but really confrontational with me - accusing me of eyeing up 'that guy' over there and how I'm not interested in him any more. It really blindsided me - we've never rowed or broken up, always been a good team, it was just so out of character. So I started noticing everything at that point - how disengaged he was with the kids, and my daily chatter about them, his over- zealous personal grooming and my god the diet he's on is just insane - it's working he's lost loads of weight - but he's starving himself, and mainly how he never NEVER let's his mobile out of his sight.
Recently I got him a new contract under my account as we can get a discount - his old phone smashed and we did all this quickly before he really had time to think about it - which allows me to look at the itemised bills online (I don't think he knows I can do this) and there were hundreds of texts and short calls to this one number - sometimes at odd hours - which I knew to be his female colleague. When he was in the shower one morning (he'd brought the phone into the bathroom) I checked his messages to see what on earth he's been chatting to her about and he'd deleted them all. Which is very suspicious I think. Honestly I don't know what to do with all this - I don't even know if its really an affair so if I start accusing him it could be a disaster and I don't want to tell any family or friends in case they hate him and it will never be the same again. I feel nervous all the time like my ears are ringing and I'm drowning , but I've got to try and be as normal as poss for the sake of the kids. Admittedly I've been distant and putting him way down the priority list for years, so maybe this was inevitable, I just never thought he was the type of guy capable of doing this. I hate feeling like my world is on shakey foundations, I work so bloody hard to give our kids a good life, which means putting my needs absolute last, I don't get why he can't do the same - maybe men just can't, selfish creatures that they are.
Sorry for sounding off in an essay basically! I just don't know what my next move should be - this past week I've been really positive and kind to him in the hopes he can see he has all he needs at home, but I don't feel connected to him at all anymore - like maybe he's got one foot out the door. So depressing. I always thought we were solid

This is the perfect strategy. I agree 100% that no man leaves before having sex (of some sort at least) and you know he was googling leaving. He will be frantically wondering what you know and how, but keep all that to yourself and deflect questions about it. You are bound to get counter accusations of snooping, for example, but you don't need to respond to them. In those frantic few minutes, he'll also be wondering whether someone's seen them, if the OW has contacted you, if an anonymous informant has been in touch, if someone he's confided in has spilt the beans. A whole range of things.

Might be useful to practise saying: "It's not important how I know, please tell me the truth about what's been going on" and keep saying that, like a scratched record.

I still think you've got some way to go before convincing yourself that your objective is not to prove this, your objective is to decide what you will do in response.

BTW, one practical tip gleaned from many a cheater, if you give him long enough after the convo, he will forensically cleanse his phone of any evidence. Might be a good idea to ask for some time with it on your own before he gets that chance. A person with nothing to hide hides nothing, as they say. While he might be deleting conversations and texts, I bet there are a few trophies stored on that phone that he won't want you to see.

Be clear about what you want to achieve.

1. You want him to know that you know he has cheated
2. You want him to know that you will not tolerate this
3. You want a separation

There will be lots of other things you want, like a full confession, an explanation, more details, etc. but I wouldn't expect all that on the first discussion.

All you need to achieve at first is those 3. He may say he hasn't cheated because it wasn't physical, blah, blah, blah. But what you mean by cheating is inappropriate contact with another woman, secretly, deliberately hiding it and lying about it. That is enough. That is cheating.

It's important to show that you won't tolerate it by not accepting any excuses, denial or minimising. By not telling him exactly what you know, you keep the upper hand. Just keep repeating, 'I know what you have done, I want you leave'.

The separation is the most important. He should leave the house right away, that same night. If he refuses you should tell him that you need time and space away from him to think and if he won't respect your wishes, you will go straight for divorce.

If he wants to save the relationship, he will leave. If he still refuses to leave, then just go to your mum's for the night and leave him at home with the children.

Of course, he may just walk out anyway, he may say he wants to be with OW and that will be hard but, remember, you don't want to be with someone who would treat you like this anyway.

Thanks everyone. I have just been to the park after school with the ds's and it was a real good head clearer. I was incredibly tense before pick-up but feel a bit more clarity now. Bring it on dh! Thanks again for your continued support x

abney I'm glad you feel better. I agree with Fairenuff, be clear about what you want from the discussion.

I agree about the trophies, he will have kept something on his phone. My DH was really really good at deleting everything and never being on his phone in the evening, it took me a week to find a message he'd forgotten to delete.

But he did keep a photo if her on his phone - he just couldn't help himself, I found it in a stored folder.

As others have said, when he asks how you know it found out. Just say 'that's not important, what's important is you tell me the truth now, if you lie then it's over' then just stay very quiet.

His reaction will tell you everything you need to know. My DH went Into full on panic mode as he didn't know 'how' I'd found out so spilled his guts. He finished with the ow straight away, even after telling her he loved her less than 8 hours earlier. A cheater doesn't realise what they have done or lost until the reality of what they are losing hits them.

Good luck OP

I can't add anything to the fantastic advice you have had already here but I know it is hard (been there myself) and you WILL be okay without him.

Just agreeing totally with everything Francesca has posted.

Oh i'm so glad you've confided in your friend OP.

Yes, remember you don't have to prove to him he's having an affair. He knows he is :(

Your job on Friday is to convince him that you know about it and wont stand for it.

I agree you don't have to tell him how you know. Just stay right up there on that moral high ground where the air is clean my lovely

I'm following too Abney. Sending love and hugs for tonight, can you watch a film or something or have a long bath tonight, to keep yourself out of his / harms way? X

OP, I hate to read your story I don't know why men think they have a monopoly on being bored by having a young family - I hope you can do what you need to hold on till friday, I must admit that I couldn't hold on like you and had to bring it all out as soon as I saw him. I just rented and moved out, didn't give him chance to waffle or lie.
Hang in there my lovely.

Loving the 'I know everything' and leaving him to sit alone and let it sink in.
Just in case you dont know what will happen next its pretty much always the same.
Denial, Minimise , Deflect.

Hope your Gp helps and your family are there for you .
Just ensure you get copies of bank statements , pension plans etc . Save them to a memory stick or SD card if your pc or laptop has a slot for one.
Keep strong , your doing great.

I've just read this whole thread. Abney, you can't keep this to yourself until your Dad's Memorial Concert. It is too long a time to wait. You have seen evidence on his phone and so you need to speak up. Please listen to the other posters about what to reveal and getting important documents together. But holding onto this secret is hurting your health and is enabling him to carry on. Good luck

Abney, I think actually you are in a much better position for your patience . Most if us have been in your shoes in this thread, I think. Most of us are probably telling you how we think it ought to be done, rather than how we did it.

Certainly i wish it had had the patience to create and implement a strategy for the "reveal". Believe me, it will make you feel much better and more in control afterwards than if you had been taken for a sucker, and put up with it, etc.

Also, don't forget that he thinks he is in charge of this, and in charge of what happens next in your marriage. He thinks he can wait, or choose to leave, if and when he wants. He is in for a big shock.

For that reason alone, and because you have every right to be angry, I think you will handle that conversation fine.

If he denies, just laugh. You know it is bollocks as you have proof otherwise .

Your doing so well to hang in there, it's great that you have someone in RL to speak to, good luck with the GP tomorrow, I hope they can help too. Loads of good advice on here from people, don't give him any wiggle room, you need to have the upper hand and hold onto it.

So just blubbed my way thru a doctors appt - confided everything in, what can only be described as, the most good looking young male gp I've ever seen in my life! Poor guy was a little overwhelmed but very reassuring. He took my bp and it was insane but he said he would expect it to be so given all I'm going thru - he made a follow up appt for next Monday and said he suspects it'll go down once I'm less stressed, which hopefully I will be by then with this all out in the open. In the meantime he suggested I call relate and poss bereavement line as well as he thinks all my stress has compounded over the last year. Again, feel better having shared this with a human.

I'm glad you feel a bit better - a good looking gp never hurts either

I agree, Relate and Cruse counselling would really help you.

Stay strong, you're being amazing!

You're sounding better already .
Seriously though, am glad you went to the doctor and with practice, the telling of your predicament will come more easily. It is nothing for you to be ashamed or embarrassed about. Part of voicing it is seeing the response of right thinking people. H has been underhand and devious and you're definitely not overreacting.

For goodness sake, get this all out in the open. Why are you putting your health at risk to get to Friday?

Sharing it with someone else is a big deal. Well done.

I totally agree, this is silly now if you health is being affected to the extent of your BP being off the scale.

I think you need to grasp the nettle, only then will you be able to start the recovery process.

Wishing you well

Glad you're getting help in RL, Abney. It can be a lonely journey when the pain is in your head and your heart with no release. You're doing so well.

I think you are doing well too.

well done, it will b e less horrid the more it isn't a secret. Have you talked to H yet?

I'm on your team too, Abney. I know what it is like to know your DH is having an affair but deciding to hold back the denouement until the children have had Christmas. It was torture.
Best of luck.

Abney Nothing to say but wanted to show you some support

Morning all. Feeling a strange sense of empowerment today, with destinys child "I'm a surviver" going round in my head. Tonight dh is going out with his crew (which is true, but ow is part of said crew) and staying over at his friend michaels house (i suspect not true). So the next time I see him will be Friday evening, ill drop baby to my mums while he gets the other 2 in bed, then ill come back and frankly, he won't know what hit him. I might even demand he hands me over his phone at the start of the discussion. Yesterday I was mourning my marriage a bit, as I knew it would be the last time we would share a bed (with this secret between us at least), and nothing will be the same. I feel really like I've achieved something by holding on til now - it has been very tempting every time he's commented about where they're all going out tonight, or what we should do as a family this wkend, to just blurt it out and go nuts at him. But I have restrained and 'kept my powder dry', which is a brilliant phrase btw! Was with my friend a lot of yesterday and talking to her about it I feel really prepared me for not being a blubbering mess when I confront dh. And again, thank u ladies on here for getting me started. It was hard getting to 'almost' Friday but I'm so glad I did because now I will have his full attention and my family are all around this wknd to look after me. X