Suspicious behaviour - not sure what to do, feeling sick

[abneysporridge]

Have come here to reach out as I really don't think I can tell anyone my suspicions in real life. Have been with dh for 13 years - 6 married - and have 3 ds's age 4, 3 and 7 mths - so life is pretty mad as u can guess! For a while now dh's behaviour has been really strange and at first I thought it was just stress from work combined with the mentalness of home life, but alarm bells rang when we were at a friends party about 3 weeks ago and he got really shit-faced and was great fun with everyone else but really confrontational with me - accusing me of eyeing up 'that guy' over there and how I'm not interested in him any more. It really blindsided me - we've never rowed or broken up, always been a good team, it was just so out of character. So I started noticing everything at that point - how disengaged he was with the kids, and my daily chatter about them, his over- zealous personal grooming and my god the diet he's on is just insane - it's working he's lost loads of weight - but he's starving himself, and mainly how he never NEVER let's his mobile out of his sight.
Recently I got him a new contract under my account as we can get a discount - his old phone smashed and we did all this quickly before he really had time to think about it - which allows me to look at the itemised bills online (I don't think he knows I can do this) and there were hundreds of texts and short calls to this one number - sometimes at odd hours - which I knew to be his female colleague. When he was in the shower one morning (he'd brought the phone into the bathroom) I checked his messages to see what on earth he's been chatting to her about and he'd deleted them all. Which is very suspicious I think. Honestly I don't know what to do with all this - I don't even know if its really an affair so if I start accusing him it could be a disaster and I don't want to tell any family or friends in case they hate him and it will never be the same again. I feel nervous all the time like my ears are ringing and I'm drowning , but I've got to try and be as normal as poss for the sake of the kids. Admittedly I've been distant and putting him way down the priority list for years, so maybe this was inevitable, I just never thought he was the type of guy capable of doing this. I hate feeling like my world is on shakey foundations, I work so bloody hard to give our kids a good life, which means putting my needs absolute last, I don't get why he can't do the same - maybe men just can't, selfish creatures that they are.
Sorry for sounding off in an essay basically! I just don't know what my next move should be - this past week I've been really positive and kind to him in the hopes he can see he has all he needs at home, but I don't feel connected to him at all anymore - like maybe he's got one foot out the door. So depressing. I always thought we were solid

My DSis had similar thoughts she sent me all of the evidence and said... If anything happens to me you will need this! Of course nothing did but your not alone in thinking it. I'm a rash hot head who would've cut his clothes up by now but you are handling this like my DSis, with patience, planning and poise. You will only get this first impact of confronting him once, I second other posters advice to see a solicitor.. Just to be confident in your options, ie get a handle on your finances so that you are sure there aren't any other areas of your life he is lying about.
Your family sound amazing, I really do
Think you will come through this strong.. You're doing great. Stay strong

It's a worry that you think that. If course he won't, and you can point out your family know you are telling him too. Ie the secret will already be out.

I think you are right not to wait. Apart from anything else you need to be in charge of this- if you wait, I think the stress will boil over, and you will end up blurting it out in a temper over burnt toast or some other small thing. People snap under that kind of stress.

I think if you wait until after the concert, many years from now you'll look back on the memory of the concert with regret that he was part of it.

Just wishing you strength abney

So glad you're not going to prolong the torture for another 6 weeks. No one will want this man at your fathers service :(

About confronting him first - without anyone else but you in the world knowing before hand - is there a friend you could tell now? Before the confrontation. Someone who is going to be slightly less emotionally involved than your family?

It might help to have someone to call straight afterwards, for whom it isn't going to be a shock, who can go straight into support mode. You may feel weak and shaken after the event (even if it goes 'well') and need to lean hard on someone who's ready for the call.

I agree with fluffyraggies. Before I confronted my H, I spent the previous night talking it through with my close friends. They offered me excellent advice and helped me to plan what I was going to say and I knew then that after I wouldn't feel so alone because they all contacted me that day and gave me strength.

I am so sorry you are going through this and it would have been so hard to wait 6 weeks to confront him. I was going to wait a week to get more evidence myself but then was offered sound advice that why would I need to see more evidence as it would just hurt me more. If you waited, you might find out other things and that would just tear you up inside.

I wish you strength and am glad you have a close family, they will be there for you.

Thanks guys. Today has been hard a - I took ds2 to a bday party while H looked after the other two and I felt like a nervous wreck the whole time. I was chatting to people and all I could think was 'they have no idea the bombshell that's going off inside me'. Am defo going to the gp on tues - I'm sure my bp must be thru the roof. This is real cold hard stress mixed with a lot depression I think - never experienced this before, I so hope this feeling lifts once everything is out in the open. I almost confronted H tonight but he was going out so I knew I would calm down after he left. Friday is definitely the best option. I have a play date with a friend tomrw and I think I'm going to offload some of this - lucky her! I still can't believe it's come to this. I'm sure it's a cliche but I honestly never thought he would be capable of crossing that line.

abneysporridge of course you're still reeling from your discovery. But I'm sure your friend will be amazing. We've all supported friends through this sort of thing. You're definitely doing the right thing to get this out in the open rather than sit on it. Be prepared for your h to break down and cry. Yes he may minimise etc but I think it's more likely that he will have a sudden overwhelming realisation of what he's about to lose because of his actions. The joke is that his relationship with ow will more than likely break down in about 6 months - I've seen it happen so many times.

Oh me too fortyplus, me too. I've seen so many of these shiny new relationships come to grief when reality sets in- and also those that are given up as soon as the secret comes tumbling out.

If Friday's the best day to do it and that's a considered decision- and you can access some medical help to calm your nerves and manage your blood pressure, that's the best course of action for you of course.

I hope your friend comes good for you tomorrow. If possible on the run-up to Friday, try to carve out some de-stressing activities like a long hot bath when he's at home watching the kids for you and trite though this might seem, even a visit to the hairdresser's to boost your confidence a bit and remind yourself that you're a strong, wonderful woman who deserves to treat herself well.

Just harking back to something you raised yesterday. With regard to your safety when confronting him, two things occur to me. You won't be telling him anything he doesn't know, and he has been cheating on you long enough to have overcome any moral scruples or crisis of conscience. So you'll either take the wind out of his sails or he'll be relieved at you knowing. Any bluster or denial will be a knee jerk reaction.

You can wait for him to run out of steam or storm out or whatever, you're not obliged to fill a silence or equally, listen passively to self-serving justification or bargaining. He may even become Mr Reasonable himself, genial and helpful.

And when it comes to it you may surprise yourself.

Tell him you know but don't tell him how you know. Don't tell him that you have proof. Let him deny it. He will just dig himself a bigger hole.

Just say 'I know the truth and now I want to hear it from you'. See if what he says matches up. You will never get the full truth out of him but you will at least be able to watch him squirm.

Don't wait too long, your family will support you... They wouldn't want you putting yourself through this for them.

I sat on my knowledge for a week and it almost broke me. I ended up on tablets as I started having panic attacks, I was so relieved when it was out in the open.

I agree - get it over with honey.

There's no point in offloading on your friend - plus any knowledge that is 'out there' before you confront him could get back to him and give him time to delete e-mails, get his story straight etc.

Just talk to him. You need to do this now.

My Dsis did as posters advised didnt tell him what she knew... Just that she knew... Watched him dig hole after hole for himself. I agree, let him fill the silence, when you say nothing people can't help themselves but to speak. It will help you to feel in control of the situation.
Good idea about the haircut! I feel so much better with new hair and a new top. Go in confident and feeling good about yourself.

Sorry overtaken , only just read your post and have just got back from my friends having spilled my guts! I was completely normal at first , chatting about the usual stuff, I even thought maybe ill just get thru it and not bother telling her. Then she asked me how my weekend was and I just burst into tears - I mean up til that point my heart was pounding so hard I thought I was going to have a coronary so something had to give. We went into the kitchen and I explained everything I found out and what I intend to do on Friday - she was completely shocked, she's met him and wouldn't have thought it of him in a million years. She echoed what you've all said, that I need to get this done no matter what and not hang about, and defo should tell my mum and sisters. She understood tho my reasons for waiting til Friday - my family can't be there for me til then, geographically more than anything else, and I know I will need them. She's going to be there for me this week - at the drop of a hat she said just come round, give the kids dinner, whatever. Very glad I told her. And I've booked a dr appt for tomrw morn at 9.45 where I will, again, spill my guts I'm sure. I would hate to be medicated at this stage but I am so so stressed I can feel it.
Snuck another look at his phone this morn, and of course, he'd deleted all messages/chat from her. I'm really worried now I don't have 'enough' proof to get him to admit it. I think he'd be happy to just carry on living a lie, and by me confronting him he'll go with the knee jerk reaction of deny deny deny and I won't have the strength to stick to what I know. But neither do I want to get really worked up and cross, I just want to know where I stand so that I can stop feeling like this.

I'm glad you've told someone in rl so will have support. It's good that you've booked to see your g.p. too, they may be able to refer you to counselling.
With regards to his texts being deleted, you've got the screen grabs on your phone and I would agree with others who've said don't tell him what you know, just tell him you know.
Fingers crossed that Friday sees your family supporting you. It will be hard, but you can't bear this stress indefinitely.

You DO have enough proof. The key to this is to try and bring it up as calmly and maturely as you can. Doesn't matter if you fail, but he's much much more likely to spill and be honest if he doesn't think you are going to scream at him or leave him in that moment. Of course you can and should scream at him/leave him anyway(!) But that first encounter can begin in suspicion and guilt and furtive anger or a relaxed, adult, breaking of the dam of secrecy.

Don't forget he may already have a sense you know something. Atmospheres are very pervasive and he'll be keeping his powder dry too.

You will stop feeling like this when it is out in the open - you are in shock and are trying to process everything whilst he is unaware.

It will be hard and awful and there will be tough times emotionally ahead for you, but it will never be as bad as it is right now. The sooner it is out there, the sooner you can access support and use your family and friends as a sounding board/shoulder to cry on/emotional support - you will not go through it alone as you have up until now.

I'm glad you told your friend as you are now not completely alone in real life, but don't delay the necessary any longer. Good luck with the docs tomorrow. xx

I've been following this thread and I'm so glad you've got some rl support now.
I agree with the others - you DO have enough proof. Don't let that add to your stress. Just concentrate on getting to the end of the week, take up your brilliant friend's offer of help and see your GP.
I don't know how you've kept this to yourself for this long, you must be so strong.
tessa6 is right. Try to be as calm as possible, don't let his bluster deflect you from your aims. Don't let him divert you from the issue and just tell him you know - not HOW you know.

Good luck and take care. X

You'll be fine. You will.

You took pics didn't you? And you saw stuff before it was deleted?

You know what . . . you don't need to convince HIM that he is having an affair. YOU know he is and that is enough. YOU don't need to PROVE it to HIM.

^^Exactly this.

Exactly. He is the defendant, not you. Anger is a sign of guilt, aggression is a sign of guilt, trying to make out you are crazy is a sign of guilt. Trying to leave the room indicates trying to buy time to contact OW or think of a believable story. As does crying, self-pity at being caught and time buying.

The worst response is accusation you are mad, storming out angey, then coming back in tears.
Ugh.

I think I'm just panicking because even if he admits there's something between them, he could say they've never acted on it so I'm making a mountain out of a molehill...whether they have acted on it I don't know for sure. To that end I think your idea of saying as little as possible is a great one - he can fill the silence, and hopefully ill learn more what's been going on. In fact once we have the kids in bed, I might just open with 'I know everything', then leave the room while that sinks in, get a glass of wine or something. Fuck knows ill need it!

he will definitely say that, abs. He will minimize, so remember that, even is he admits something very bad it's going to be the least of it. NO man in the history of the world (!) has ever seriously considered leaving his wife and kids for a woman he hasn't slept with.

When you do speak, don't get into using the language of 'I don't know if I can believe you'. Don't apologise. Don't try and prove your argument. Stay strong in it. Say 'That's not true, is it." Or better just the statement, 'that's not true'. Say it over and over again if you have to so he can see there is a brick wall when he lies, rather than something he can wind his way round. Then he will back up and try again with something closer to the truth. It depends what sort of a liar he is.

Don't panic. You're in a good place. You just need that adrenaline back.

If he says "what do you know?", just reply "you don't need me to tell you".

Try not to get tricked into letting out the limits of what you do know.

But, all this isn't even necessary. In a way you don't even need to have a conversation about it in depth. (unless you want to of course) You know enough. He has betrayed you. That's enough.

You don't have to convince him that he has betrayed you, your feelings are enough.

You don't have to have this all out until you are ready.