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Original poster

Suspicious behaviour - not sure what to do, feeling sick

615 replies

abneysporridge · 28/09/2013 09:22

Have come here to reach out as I really don't think I can tell anyone my suspicions in real life. Have been with dh for 13 years - 6 married - and have 3 ds's age 4, 3 and 7 mths - so life is pretty mad as u can guess! For a while now dh's behaviour has been really strange and at first I thought it was just stress from work combined with the mentalness of home life, but alarm bells rang when we were at a friends party about 3 weeks ago and he got really shit-faced and was great fun with everyone else but really confrontational with me - accusing me of eyeing up 'that guy' over there and how I'm not interested in him any more. It really blindsided me - we've never rowed or broken up, always been a good team, it was just so out of character. So I started noticing everything at that point - how disengaged he was with the kids, and my daily chatter about them, his over- zealous personal grooming and my god the diet he's on is just insane - it's working he's lost loads of weight - but he's starving himself, and mainly how he never NEVER let's his mobile out of his sight.
Recently I got him a new contract under my account as we can get a discount - his old phone smashed and we did all this quickly before he really had time to think about it - which allows me to look at the itemised bills online (I don't think he knows I can do this) and there were hundreds of texts and short calls to this one number - sometimes at odd hours - which I knew to be his female colleague. When he was in the shower one morning (he'd brought the phone into the bathroom) I checked his messages to see what on earth he's been chatting to her about and he'd deleted them all. Which is very suspicious I think. Honestly I don't know what to do with all this - I don't even know if its really an affair so if I start accusing him it could be a disaster and I don't want to tell any family or friends in case they hate him and it will never be the same again. I feel nervous all the time like my ears are ringing and I'm drowning , but I've got to try and be as normal as poss for the sake of the kids. Admittedly I've been distant and putting him way down the priority list for years, so maybe this was inevitable, I just never thought he was the type of guy capable of doing this. I hate feeling like my world is on shakey foundations, I work so bloody hard to give our kids a good life, which means putting my needs absolute last, I don't get why he can't do the same - maybe men just can't, selfish creatures that they are.
Sorry for sounding off in an essay basically! I just don't know what my next move should be - this past week I've been really positive and kind to him in the hopes he can see he has all he needs at home, but I don't feel connected to him at all anymore - like maybe he's got one foot out the door. So depressing. I always thought we were solid Hmm

OP posts:
Original poster
abneysporridge · 05/10/2013 21:00

Gosh u ladies have flipped everything upside down and around! I thought I had a plan laid out this morning and now it's completely changed! You are right , I would feel almost as deceitful as him if I keep this charade up any longer. And my health is important, I have put it on the back-burner for so long but i need to look after myself now more than ever. I'm going to get my head together this week then talk to dh on fri night (once the kids are in bed so we can concentrate). Quite sad about this now.

OP posts:
Fairenuff · 05/10/2013 21:02

I would be inclined to tell him first. Then you can go to family with the fait accompli - he's left, it's over, I've finished it, however you want to phrase it. They will all be supportive and help in whatever way you need.

If you tell them beforehand there is a danger that they might try to talk you out of it.

Whatever he says, the best advice is to tell him to leave. Even if he declares his undying love for you and you want to work on repairing the relationship, making him move out and face up to what he has done is the quickest and easiest way for him to fully realise the gravity of the affair and the hurt and harm he's caused.

Tell him sooner rather than later and you can let all those feelings out. Holding it in is doing you no good at all.

Hissy · 05/10/2013 21:03

No love, you've done nothing wrong, it's not deceit. It's called managed response.

Please don't blame yourself for any of this.

Really!

Get your family support, know that you've got them behind you, and it'll all feel so much easier.

Original poster
abneysporridge · 05/10/2013 21:30

I'm worried that when I tell him all I know he'll down play it and make out I am completely overreacting - I'm going to have to dig deep to keep the momentum going. I just want this over, I want everything out in the open and no more secrets. It's horrible.

OP posts:
Fairenuff · 05/10/2013 21:31

He will downplay it. Be prepared for that. It doesn't matter. You do not need his permission to end it.

Have you printed off the evidence you found?

sarine1 · 05/10/2013 21:34

You know what he's going to do - minimise, blame, deny etc.... You're prepared for this. There's some excellent advice upthread about dealing with this. it's going to be horrible but all the evidence you have is that he is involved with the OW.

impatienttobemummy · 05/10/2013 21:38

De lurking to say I think you sound like such a lovely person and god knows he doesn't deserve you. Go for it Friday, you have all the evidence you need. Kick him out and get your family around you. He's got a lot of work to do to come anywhere close to gaining any respect from you. Hang in there

nopanicandverylittleanxiety · 05/10/2013 21:43

I've just read this entire thread and I'm so sorry to hear what you are going through x

I'm glad you have reconsidered waiting until after the concert to tell your family and confront him. Living with someone not saying anything when I knew what they were up to would be incredibly upsetting for me. Once your family know what he has been up to, they would possibly resent that he had been part of the concert for your dad.

jellyfl00d · 05/10/2013 22:03

Don't take any blame for what he's done, I bet he will try and transfer blame onto you! Don't accept it!
Stand firm, be strong, and swap his adios tablets/ capsules for some laxatives, that will make things less amorous between him and ow!

FrancescaBell · 05/10/2013 22:28

He probably will downplay it and accuse you of overreacting, but I'm basing that purely on you believing he will presumably based on your knowledge of his character. Like I said, other people would expect the truth, especially with the amount of tangible evidence you've got.

Thing is, it doesn't matter if he minimises or accuses you of overreacting.

You know and your feelings based on that knowledge are all that count.

Why wait till Friday?

FrancescaBell · 05/10/2013 22:54

Oh and by the way, this isn't about your 'deceit' being as bad as his. Of course it's not. But for a truthful and honest person, any prolonged period of living a lie or keeping up a pretence is very self-damaging and causes terrible internal conflict. Most people find it very hard having to be inauthentic and based on how you've come across on this thread, I think you'll personally find that particularly hard and will suffer more because of it.

To explain this further with something really trivial as an example- sorry Blush but this is why I personally hate surprise parties. I feel really uncomfortable pretending that nothing's been arranged or lying to friends about plans. Just hate it.

This is clearly a much more extreme example of the feelings involved, but maybe it will illustrate what I'm saying.

Original poster
abneysporridge · 06/10/2013 00:03

Fairenyff - I haven't printed anything as my printers broke but I have saved the photos in about 4 different places and emailed them to myself. I must say it feels kind of a relief to know I won't have to hold out for much longer. I was quite bonkers to think I could last another 6 weeks. Your all right my family would be so upset if they knew I had been quietly dying inside while keeping the truth from them. It's just all so sad. It didn't need to be this way, if only he could have been patient and waited for easier times, instead of thinking 'the grass is greener'. Now I don't know what will happen next. But I will find it near impossible to forgive him, as will everyone else. His own father walked out on them when dh was 4 so I guess he doesn't really have a good example to follow. God I hope my boys don't turn out the same.

OP posts:
nopanicandverylittleanxiety · 06/10/2013 00:15

I worry about that with my boys too abney. Fingers crossed they won't.

Feckitanyway · 06/10/2013 00:21

abney feeling for you so much, as are many of who have walked in your shoes. There's no right way to go, we're all so different. All I can say is that you are probably now in shock. That need for proof is so strong - and now you have it, maybe don't rush into any decisions, just take time to grieve, cope on your own and gather some strength. I think the anxiety and shock caused by this whole thing, especially the proof - makes it really hard to make decisions, so if possible, don't. If he's going to be out of the house that may give you space to gather your thoughts and emotions to think straight.

Original poster
abneysporridge · 06/10/2013 08:04

Thank u feckit - I am in shock I reckon, certainly got the shakes most of the time. Just sucks that everything I thought I knew has been turned on its head. A scary thought went thru my mind... what if when I confront him he decides to kill me to save his secret getting out..then he could get together with ow later and no-one would suspect... Nah, I know that's crazy, but i cant help having these thoughts when the man I thought I knew inside and out blindsided me so profoundly.
Also just to retort to Francesca I think re my family: they would in no way tell me to 'stand by my man', quite the opposite I think. I wouldn't be surprised if they never talk to him again.

OP posts:
Thisisaeuphemism · 06/10/2013 08:14

I imagine that in a while, when it sinks in for him that he is not playing at the concert etc, he will start weeping like a baby.

Stay strong op, and get real life support too. Your family sound v loving.

Original poster
abneysporridge · 06/10/2013 09:26

Another thing I've forgotten is we're all due to go away together during half term as its my dads anniversary on 30th, so he won't be joining us for that, and I will gladly be in the bosom of family at that time.

OP posts:
ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee · 06/10/2013 09:45

I'm so pleased you have decided to deal with this sooner rather than later... you'd have been a total wreck by then.

Fairenuff · 06/10/2013 09:54

Have you taken any legal advice yet Abney? It would be a good idea to collect together bank statements, etc. Do you have joint accounts?

Any evidence that is saved on a computer should be printed out. Take screen shots, print them and keep them in a safe place. Do this before you tell him because he could find and delete them otherwise.

Clobbered · 06/10/2013 10:11

Sorry, haven't read all of the replies, just OP's.
Is it possible he's waiting until after your Dad's memorial before telling YOU?
I think you should tell your family, show them the evidence, and have them in the house to support you when you confront him. The weekend sounds like the perfect time. You can pack a bag for him while he's out and tell him to fuck off when he comes back on Sunday.
Good luck.

saffronwblue · 06/10/2013 10:47

Read the whole thread and I think you are doing the right thing to confront him before waiting longer. It gives you back control - you can tell him to leave and what arrangements your family will now put in place for the concert. Good luck.

heartisaspade · 06/10/2013 11:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

skyeskyeskye · 06/10/2013 11:58

I am sorry that you have found out more but at least you can start to make some sense of it all now.

I am glad that you are not going to wait the six weeks, it would slowly eat away at you to live like that.

Stay strong, save all the evidence and remain firm in your decision.

CultureShock · 06/10/2013 12:10

I also think you need to do this now and not wait till after your dads memorial

Good luck

FrancescaBell · 06/10/2013 12:24

That's really good your family are like that. I hope you didn't think I was criticising them?

Why wait till Friday?