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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My daughter found a man in my bed :s

93 replies

TrulyTerribleMother · 22/09/2013 15:24

I have really really screwed up. Namechanged obvs.

I'm a single mum. 2 DD, the youngest is 9.

Been seeing a lovely guy for a couple of months, but not at the meet the children stage yet, although I'm fairly sure this is a good thing and that will happen eventually.

My childcare arrangements this weekend were that the DD stayed with their dad Fri night, dropped off Sat morning at 10, then were being collected by their friends mum at 10.30 to go on a day out and a sleepover.

Lovely chap and I decided to start our weekend early, so he stayed over Friday night. I thought it would eb fine, I got up to sort the kids out in the half hour window with them, he'd stay quietly in my bedroom, they are none the wiser. I know.

Naturally, I got distracted and DD9 walked into my bedroom, where lovely chap is in bed, reading his phone. All covered up, no issues there. But FUCK. she walked in, put whatever she was returning down, gave him a big smile and walked out, closing door behind her. AND SAID NOTHING. He tried to text me to tell me but I didn't pick it up til they were gone.

She does not appear to be one bit traumatised, but they are due back this evening and I have no idea what to say. Please help?

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 22/09/2013 15:29

Golden opportunity to introduce your new man I'd have thought. Kids are small, not stupid. They talk to each other about all kinds of stuff - including what their parents get up to. Don't make a big deal of it and I'm sure they won't either.

MissDD1971 · 22/09/2013 15:33

You want my honest opinion?

Not only did your DD saw a strange man in mum's bed but it looked like you hid it from her? And after 2 months?

IMO you should have been doubly, triply etc careful to keep this from her and her sibling. She needed to see him clothed. Also what if she has issues about seeing nakedness even if he wasn't?

MissDD1971 · 22/09/2013 15:33

and I suppose I'd bring this up. There's not much you can do now about it.

I only hope their dad is more understanding.

Original poster
TrulyTerribleMother · 22/09/2013 15:35

Not really that simple as he lives 3hrs drive away. They have heard me mention him definitely. But now there will not be an opportunity for another month probably.

Also, I was trying to do it all properly and wanted to wait a bit, I thought 6mths was the approved time? It's not even been 2 and that's long distance... I did know him before we started dating however, and we are talking about it in the long term, not just a fling.

I've only ever introduced them to one chap before, and that was after 3 months and I ended it pretty swiftly after...

I'm REALLY trying not to screw them up, and massively failing :(

OP posts:
Original poster
TrulyTerribleMother · 22/09/2013 15:36

I know. I've made a bit of a mess MissDD

OP posts:
Fairylea · 22/09/2013 15:38

At 9 I think you just need to be really honest with her.

My dd is 10 and went through me dating people (she only met the one who turned into my now dh) and she thought it was funny. She used to ask me questions and so on. They know a lot more than you think.

I'd just explain that Xx is your boyfriend and he stayed over, you didn't expect her to meet him like that.. oops ... but he's very nice and you hope she likes him and you're all going out for a pizza etc? Something like that. It might be a bit early to meet but they've met now so go with it. Include her.

Original poster
TrulyTerribleMother · 22/09/2013 15:39

if you could flame me alongside some advice on what to actually say, that would be great.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 22/09/2013 15:39

You've not screwed them up, don't worry. You've probably started a bit of curiosity and I think, if there's a lesson, it's simply to be more up-front with your kids. You're allowed to have friends and you're even allowed to have friends that stay over. This 'six month' thing ... I don't know where it comes from exactly. As long as you don't make a big deal of the next boyfriend being some 'new daddy' or anything silly like that, I think kids can cope with the idea.

Original poster
TrulyTerribleMother · 22/09/2013 15:39

Thanks Fairylea, that sounds sensible. But they still wont be meeting him for a while.

OP posts:
Original poster
TrulyTerribleMother · 22/09/2013 15:41

I'm usually totally honest with them, they knew his name and that we had been out a few times. They asked last week if he was my boyfriend and I just said he might be one day, and he was really nice, and I liked him.

OP posts:
grumpydwarf · 22/09/2013 15:43

Its long term and yes maybe a bit early but like u said its not the end of the world. One day you could be married and your dd could tell it as a funny story!

Tell them you are seeing someone but its early days and you wanted to make sure it was serious before introducing them. They'll understand.

Cut yourself some slack.

As for the poster who said I hope their dad is more understanding it frankly has not a lot to do with him unless the op is still married to him! Jeez!

CogitoErgoSometimes · 22/09/2013 15:43

So you lied :) Why did you lie about him being your boyfriend?

rainbowfeet · 22/09/2013 15:44

People are very quick to judge!!! Hmm

There is no written rule as to when to introduce a potential partner to your children... It's your life!

I would just explain.. What is basically the truth that because he lives so far away he had to stay over & you were not being secretive but just want to make sure you really like each other before any introduction takes place so that there is no confusion. At the moment he is your friend but you do hope he will become more.

You don't have to mention why he was in your bed unless dd asks of course, my dd is 10 & I doubt she'd automatically think anything along the lines of sex... She would without a doubt accept the above explanation. Smile

Original poster
TrulyTerribleMother · 22/09/2013 15:46

I don't know Cog. I really don't. We're such a tight little unit and the last man I went out with, and introduced turned into a massive arsehole as soon as I let him into their lives, he tried to move in to our house and parent them, it was awful and we were all so relieved when I dumped him. I didn't want to worry them that that might happen again I guess. That was 6mths ago.

OP posts:
CbeebiesIsMyLife · 22/09/2013 15:47

I think as she smile at him and left and disnt ask who he was, and you've spoken about him, I'd say she knew who he was!
9 year olds seen stupid, they talk to friends they've had some sex ed lessons and they know about relationships. Just bring it up casually when she gets home 'x said he saw you in my bedroom today? What do you think is it ok if he stays over sometimes hen your at daddy's? Next time he's in town why don't we all go out for pizza so we can meet properly?' Just keep it calm and casual like its normal and fine. Allow her to ask questions and allow her to revisit talking to you about it in the future if she needs to.

For what's it worth I don't think your screwed them up!

Original poster
TrulyTerribleMother · 22/09/2013 15:48

Thanks rainbow

I don't know if she has told her older sister or not. I guess I have to tell them both really. In case. I'm such an idiot. We run a no lies house and I'm the one that screwed it up :s

OP posts:
CbeebiesIsMyLife · 22/09/2013 15:49

Argh stupid stupid iPhone update. Typos are atrocious since :(

CogitoErgoSometimes · 22/09/2013 15:49

If I was your DD and had experienced Mr Arsehole, I'd actually want to meet prospective partners earlier and give them the once over.... not risk that Mum would get serious again and I had no say in it. It could actually bring you closer and make her feel more secure/valued if you say that you're meeting someone new and you'd welcome her opinion.

MissDD1971 · 22/09/2013 15:50

I'm the poster who said re their dad.

This is what friends of mine with kids have said, they leave a gap generally and they wouldn't like their ex partner introducing so quickly.

If OP was fine about this then why is she posting?!

I don't think its terrible per se as what's done is done now but I think the rest of you are a bit deluded if you really want your kids to see mum's new partner in bed (kids aren't stupid) and after a short period of time.

A lot of kids (me included) can be embarassed etc by sex at that age but MAYBE kids have moved on since 70s/80s when I was a kid and are au fait with nakedness etc.

Original poster
TrulyTerribleMother · 22/09/2013 15:51

Cog that is a really different perspective to anything I've read on here, thank you. It also makes sense. Always appreciate your advice.

OP posts:
Fairylea · 22/09/2013 15:52

I think you need to have a cup of tea and a calm down :)

You haven't scarred her for life :)

SPsTwerkingNineToFive · 22/09/2013 15:52

I dont think you have screwed them up. I think she knew who he was and that's why she smiled at him and didn't say anything.

It has nothing to do with there dad, why should he be understanding? Confused

CbeebiesIsMyLife · 22/09/2013 15:52

I agree cog, get them involved, let them 'interview' him over dinner or something. (If he agrees!) just keep it really relaxed and let them think they're playing a big part in choosing you a man.
Have you spoken about previous bf before? Could this be a good opportunity to revisit it? See if there are any worries about future partners?

Original poster
TrulyTerribleMother · 22/09/2013 15:53

He wasn't naked! He had a T-shirt on and a duvet over him...

OP posts:
SPsTwerkingNineToFive · 22/09/2013 15:54

MissDD But she wasn't meant to see him. It was an accident. OP thought he could stay there and the kids would be dressed and out without knowing.

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