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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My daughter found a man in my bed :s

93 replies

TrulyTerribleMother · 22/09/2013 15:24

I have really really screwed up. Namechanged obvs.

I'm a single mum. 2 DD, the youngest is 9.

Been seeing a lovely guy for a couple of months, but not at the meet the children stage yet, although I'm fairly sure this is a good thing and that will happen eventually.

My childcare arrangements this weekend were that the DD stayed with their dad Fri night, dropped off Sat morning at 10, then were being collected by their friends mum at 10.30 to go on a day out and a sleepover.

Lovely chap and I decided to start our weekend early, so he stayed over Friday night. I thought it would eb fine, I got up to sort the kids out in the half hour window with them, he'd stay quietly in my bedroom, they are none the wiser. I know.

Naturally, I got distracted and DD9 walked into my bedroom, where lovely chap is in bed, reading his phone. All covered up, no issues there. But FUCK. she walked in, put whatever she was returning down, gave him a big smile and walked out, closing door behind her. AND SAID NOTHING. He tried to text me to tell me but I didn't pick it up til they were gone.

She does not appear to be one bit traumatised, but they are due back this evening and I have no idea what to say. Please help?

OP posts:
Original poster
TrulyTerribleMother · 22/09/2013 15:54

He would definitely agree to an interview, he'd find it hilarious. That is a GREAT idea! We often meet halfway for dinner in the week, maybe I should just take them with me next time?

OP posts:
waikikamookau · 22/09/2013 15:56

well they knew aobut him already, it is no big deal. it is the future that is the big deal. your dc wont judge him being in your bed. that is what adults do

grumpydwarf · 22/09/2013 15:56

If the op had purposely held an orgy with the local rugby team starkers in her living room when her kids were home I'd agree with you. As it was a simple accidental meeting I think ur overreacting missdd!

Yes she needs to talk to her dd's yes she feels bad. But she did not do it on purpose!

Original poster
TrulyTerribleMother · 22/09/2013 15:59

I still feel horribly awkward about it. It really isn't how I do things Blush We're horribly middle class and proper as a rule... And random bloke in my bed was not childhood I was planning for my girls.

OP posts:
ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee · 22/09/2013 15:59

This is an 'oops' not an 'oh fuck'.

Really, it's not a hugely big deal.

You might run a 'no lies house' but YOU are the adult and you do not have to tell your children everything - that way madness lies.

I would say to DD - 'So you met Fred then :) It wasn't meant to happen quite like that, but next time he's down here from x, I'd like us all to do something together :)' End of.

ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee · 22/09/2013 16:02

random bloke in my bed was not childhood I was planning for my girls

Grin - Nah, probably not what you envisaged!!

...but I guess neither was the juggling act of being a single parent :( Life is what it is, not what we want it to be! (sadly).

Original poster
TrulyTerribleMother · 22/09/2013 16:05

you are making me feel a bit better, I was expecting a universal flaming Smile

I just want her home now so I can talk to her!

OP posts:
SPsTwerkingNineToFive · 22/09/2013 16:06

My son would have started the interview the minute he walked inGrin

Original poster
TrulyTerribleMother · 22/09/2013 16:09

I'm really amazed she didn't say a THING. If anything that worries me more...

OP posts:
TiredDog · 22/09/2013 16:10

Its a really tricky one and I know the MN wisdom is leave it ten yrs before introducing a new partner but I also agree that if he isn't going to get on with your kids then dump quickly

My DD walked in on new partner and I found it very tricky even though she knew and I knew they would meet. I posted on here about how to introduce him staying over (he lived 3 hrs away) and I have no childcare + ex wouldn't have DC overnight. I was slated as an utter Trollope for daring to meet a man. The collective view was that DC came first and if my circumstances were as they were then I needed to stay single until they left home (I'll be 57...)

Dahlen · 22/09/2013 16:11

I think it is more embarrassing than anything. I wouldn't get too uptight about it.

FWIW, I think the 6-12 months 'rule' for new partners is a load of hogwash. Leave it too long and you become emotionally so invested in the relationship that it's a lot easier to overlook problems and make excuses for faults. And a new lover can make a great partner but be rubbish with your DC. What then? The temptation is to keep trying, and that sets a precedent for the relationship and a sort of hierarchy which will affect things from there on in.

Like Cogito says, as long as there no "this is your new daddy" or anything, it's fine for children to grow up seeing mum (or dad) having friends, some of whom are 'special' friends - unless you think only sex inside a committed relationship is morally acceptable. It's the effect that friend has on the children directly, and, because of their influence over the parent, indirectly, that's important. As long as children see the friend as very much outside the family circle initially, until such time he or she has earned the right to be welcomed inside it, dating people and introducing them to your DC, isn't a problem IMO. Children form far stronger attachments to people they move on from and leave all the time with no ill-effects, so the old-fashioned anecdotes about "a succession of uncles" don't really apply unless you're moving in these men and encouraging them to play happy families far too soon.

edam · 22/09/2013 16:12

Probably too embarrassed! Grin

Honestly, I don't think this will lead to decades in counselling. Not the way you would have planned it, but hey. The interview is a great idea!

namechangeforaclue · 22/09/2013 16:13

I don't really see how this is a problem.
Did the children not know about him at all?
This happened to me, the kids got dropped back an hour early.
Not the end of the world and hardly a traumatic event.
If she asks about just say he is a good friend, you like each other. If it get serious she will meet him again.
That's all she needs to know until you know more yourself.
Relax and have fun.

FlapJackFlossie · 22/09/2013 16:14

MissDD - I only hope her Dad was more understanding - absolutely none of his bloody business !

namechangeforaclue · 22/09/2013 16:15

Interview! !!! Seriously.

TiredDog · 22/09/2013 16:17

Anyway DD walks in having obviously forgotten DP was here and walks around in a dozy state to his side of the bed to jump in with me (her usual pattern of behaviour) I just managed to grab her at the foot of the bed and pull her into my side. (Yes pearl clutchers this is all horrific and verging on child abuse...I know).

From then on she still came in but jumped in my side and read stories to us, talked...played on her kindle and generally made a nuisance of herself but it was all really normal (yes really) and relaxed. As far as she was concerned it was nothing odd. He is the only man this has ever happened with and I cannot imagine doing it again but tbh it wasn't as awful for any of us as you might imagine. Kids were not traumatised at all

Original poster
TrulyTerribleMother · 22/09/2013 16:22

Ok, you are all being great :)

I think the problem is me imagining her shock at strange man in my bed, in my bedroom, when she had been home 20mins and I'd not mentioned a visitor.

Also, her imagining it will go like like time with a flipping annoying bloke always in her house and not going home.

OP posts:
CbeebiesIsMyLife · 22/09/2013 16:22

Not a serious interview namechange, more of a game to get them involved. Pre teens love that sort of thing!

Original poster
TrulyTerribleMother · 22/09/2013 16:24

Yes, as regards the 'interview' my kids are very funny and would ask funny questions and the boyfriend is also very funny and quick witted, so can imagine it being very ice breaky. Not like your worst job interview!

OP posts:
MissDD1971 · 22/09/2013 16:25

FlapJack - I'm only saying re the dad as I had a friend of mine who was a bit lax sometimes re men coming back (she had good intentions).

One time her DC were in by mistake (misunderstanding) they ran off to tell their dad (who was separated from their mum) and all hell broke loose - he said he wouldn't introduce his new partner so soon etc.

THAT is why I am saying what I say. and several of my friends give the possible xxx months before not introducing to new partner and being careful as and when they stay over. Not saying they're all perfect and I know things happen.

I had thought the boyfriend here was naked.

FlapJackFlossie · 22/09/2013 16:27

I'm only saying re the dad as I had a friend of mine who was a bit lax sometimes re men coming back - so are you tarring the OP with the same brush from a few words on a forum?

skyeskyeskye · 22/09/2013 16:28

I think that meeting the partner has to be different for everybody as everybody's children and families are different. I don't think that anybody should parade a new man in and out every week, but if you have been seeing somebody for a few months and all seems well, then why not introduce.

I think that people say 6 months because as a rule, it takes around that long before you start to see the real person and not just the loved up rose tinted glasses person..

Original poster
TrulyTerribleMother · 22/09/2013 16:31

Just to clear up - their dad has introduced girlfriends too early IMHO. So he has not a leg to stand on IF he knew about it. Which he doesn't and wont.

OP posts:
TiredDog · 22/09/2013 16:34

I don't think in an ideal world any of us would wish DC to meet new partners in your bed (or the exes!). I certainly wouldn't repeat my events but it all worked fine

Original poster
TrulyTerribleMother · 22/09/2013 16:39

OK. So I think I'm going to go with...

"So you met Fred then? He stayed over on Friday, but I thought it would be too much of a rush for you to meet him before going out for the day, which is why I didn't introduce you. He's my boyfriend now though, and we'll go out for dinner all together soon, might be a little while as he lives so far away though"

OP posts:
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