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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My daughter found a man in my bed :s

93 replies

TrulyTerribleMother · 22/09/2013 15:24

I have really really screwed up. Namechanged obvs.

I'm a single mum. 2 DD, the youngest is 9.

Been seeing a lovely guy for a couple of months, but not at the meet the children stage yet, although I'm fairly sure this is a good thing and that will happen eventually.

My childcare arrangements this weekend were that the DD stayed with their dad Fri night, dropped off Sat morning at 10, then were being collected by their friends mum at 10.30 to go on a day out and a sleepover.

Lovely chap and I decided to start our weekend early, so he stayed over Friday night. I thought it would eb fine, I got up to sort the kids out in the half hour window with them, he'd stay quietly in my bedroom, they are none the wiser. I know.

Naturally, I got distracted and DD9 walked into my bedroom, where lovely chap is in bed, reading his phone. All covered up, no issues there. But FUCK. she walked in, put whatever she was returning down, gave him a big smile and walked out, closing door behind her. AND SAID NOTHING. He tried to text me to tell me but I didn't pick it up til they were gone.

She does not appear to be one bit traumatised, but they are due back this evening and I have no idea what to say. Please help?

OP posts:
Original poster
TrulyTerribleMother · 22/09/2013 16:42

And I've just been chatting to him and he's suggested I bring them to one of out midweek dinners, so I think we're good Smile

OP posts:
ivykaty44 · 22/09/2013 16:44

Don't beat yourself up about this - it has happened so now just go for damage limitation.

I doubt you have had a string of men your dd has called uncle.

fred is your special friend and he came for a sleep over.

You may well be suprised that your dd is happy you have a friend and not lonely when she is away - my dd used to worry when she went to her dads I might be lonely

Original poster
TrulyTerribleMother · 22/09/2013 16:48

Certainly not a string Ivy! Just one disaster...

OP posts:
Maryz · 22/09/2013 16:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee · 22/09/2013 17:02

That sounds perfect :)

Really, don't worry about her not saying anything. She smiled at him and closed the door politely - she didn't run screaming from the room :) She's 9, not stupid... but probably wasn't quite sure what to say, exactly, in the few minutes she had... but if she's like most 9 year olds I know, will have plenty to say when she gets in!!

Original poster
TrulyTerribleMother · 22/09/2013 17:15

Yes Maryz, it's all a bit ridiculous isn't it? With other friends they just rock up at my house and I'm all "This is my friend/these are my kids".
With someone I like enough to want to have in my bed it all gets so complicated and over thought.

OP posts:
Mojavewonderer · 22/09/2013 17:25

Don't worry about it, it's not like your bringing home a new bloke every night and having loud sex which they can hear. You won't have done any harm at all. I think its a great opportunity to let them know your seeing someone, they are old enough to understand. I think its important you are open and honest to your children about this.

Lizzabadger · 22/09/2013 21:10

I think just chill out about it. I don't suppose for a moment that your daughter is traumatised. Pizza and 'interview' night sounds like a great idea.

Original poster
TrulyTerribleMother · 22/09/2013 21:16

UPDATE:

We're all good. She was very funny about it. Said she didn't know what to say, she hadn't told anyone. Had assumed it was him. The word 'AWKWARD', which we hear rather a lot from the pre-teens, was used with much comic effect Grin

I mooted the 'interview over dinner' idea, and she asked if she could interview him for the school newspaper Grin. I suggested she used him as practice...

So I officially have a boyfriend... and the kids are cool. What a relief!

Thank you for talking me down all x

OP posts:
Maryz · 22/09/2013 21:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Fairylea · 22/09/2013 21:24

:) Aw, I'm glad all is good. It will be fine!

Original poster
TrulyTerribleMother · 22/09/2013 21:25

DD1 is 12, thought it was hilarious and is also cool. She's the more pragmatic sensible one too, so I was less worried about her. I reassured he definitely was not moving in, and was the total opposite of the last one (he really is too). All fine Smile

OP posts:
TravailsInHyperreality · 22/09/2013 21:32

What a lovely turn out. Things sound very good all around (and your daughter sounds adorable!)

Glad you're feeling better OP - now go and enjoy your new status. Smile

TravailsInHyperreality · 22/09/2013 21:33

What a lovely turn out. Things sound very good all around (and your daughter sounds adorable!)

Glad you're feeling better OP - now go and enjoy your new status. Smile

TravailsInHyperreality · 22/09/2013 21:33

Oops - sorry for the double post!

Maryz · 22/09/2013 21:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
TrulyTerribleMother · 22/09/2013 22:11

Smile Thank you

fingers crossed this will all be The Right Thing To Do... you never know do you?

OP posts:
ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee · 25/09/2013 09:37

That's great. I'd loved to have been there... err, when she was telling you how AWKWARD it was, not when she saw him in your bed

Writerwannabe83 · 25/09/2013 09:50

I'm glad it has all worked out ok!

My parents split up and got divorced when I was 5 and my sister was 6. In general children are raised knowing that adults have relationships and like to be in couples and whenever we met one of mummy's new boyfriends or daddy's new girlfriends we just accepted it - from a very young age we were of the mind set that they should have partners as much as anyone else should and that just because they were our parents it meant they shouldn't. We would have seen them in bed together of a morning, and I mean in their night clothes, just having cups of tea etc, and it was never an issue. The idea of sex never crossed our kinds but we knew adults generally shared beds and certainly didn't find it strange.

We certainly weren't traumatised or screwed up because of it! Grin

It probably wasn't the ideal way for your daughter to meet your new boyfriend but heh- ho, no harm done Smile Things happen for a reason and now, on the back of that 'awkward' situation it appears your relationship is going to move forward and that your children are completely on board with your happiness. The best of luck with it all Smile

Cabrinha · 25/09/2013 10:16

I'm with Cog. There's an issue if you have a new man every week and expect your kids to call him daddy. Or if by making him a massive part of your lives, they also get hurt by a split.
But... Boyfriends - not so much.
I've just started seeing someone, and I expect I'll introduce him quite quickly - same age child, so it'll be fun to hang out.
I will tell my child that you date to decide how much you like someone - actually, we had that conversation already (she's 4).
I think you have to be comfortable with the behaviour that you model.
For me, if my daughter learns that dating is fun and how you get to know someone, good. Tbh - if she learns that it's OK to have a man stay over when they're not your one true love, also good. I don't WANT her to grow up thinking "I have has sex with him therefore he loves me, or I must love him". We will talk about respect, waiting, only doing things you're comfortable with, all of that. But really, if she learns "we dated, we had sex, he wasn't the one long term, we moved on" - is that so bad?
That is what her life will be - not a virgin til her wedding night.
I want her to see me happy and in control of my relationships.

wannaBe · 25/09/2013 10:36

glad things worked out.

Fwiw I think the six months rule is a bit overrated because, as someone said above, it's a long time in which to become emotionally invested in a relationship and to then get hurt if things don't work out with the kids.

Having said that, I had planned to wait around that length of time but my xh forced the issue after giving my ds a key to walk into my house where the guy I have been seeing was sitting at my kitchen table after only six weeks! Shock and then told me I needed to tell ds the truth or he would. Hmm it certainly wasn't ideal, but as it turned out ds and bf get on great and it saved having to have a conversation/make a decision as to the how's and why's and so on.

Obviously if it was a different boyfriend every other week then things would be different but if you're planning for long-term then it's not a big deal really how soon the kids are introduced, and once they have actually met they probably won't remember that the first encounter happened in your bed. Grin

cronullansw · 28/09/2013 04:22

You want my honest opinion?

I'm sure you don't, but here goes - your kids were away Friday night, home for 30 minutes on Saturday morning and away again until Sunday, and you couldn't be bothered about an accidental encounter enough to say, ''hey. could you please pop out for a coffee / walk around the park for an hour so my darling kids don't see you and get the wrong impression?''

Instead you weren't thinking about your kids at all, but were only thinking about getting back into the bed you'd obviously only recently got out of.

You kids are worth a little bit more of your attention - aren't they? Or is fucking the new man more important?

My boy is away this weekend, I'm missing him already. If I was only seeing him for 30 minutes in three days, I'd make sure it was quality time.

I fully expect to get slaughtered by the lovable MN crew here, but this is my honest opinion and isn't me simply trolling for a bite. I could have phrased this much more provocatively if that was my aim.

MrsBramleyApple · 28/09/2013 06:40

cronullansw............ Nice..............NOT!!! Biscuit
It might help if you read the whole thread as the situation has been rectified!

thistlelicker · 28/09/2013 07:01

Cro .... Hope u have ur flame proofs on!!! That was very harsh!! Had u read the post u would have seen the op was a bit "meh" over the way it happened!!!!

Anyway who dictated that it needs to be "x"months before a chappy is introduced to kids???

Op glad it worked out for the better!!!:-)

Sparklysilversequins · 28/09/2013 08:25

Ignore Cro OP. I have literally never seen him/her post anything that wasn't unpleasant and provocative. Its her mission in life to blame the OP and make them feel like crap and quite frankly I wish he/she would just piss off out of Relationships because its not the place for it is anywhere?

Its It sounds like its all ended well. Your girls sound lovely.

Interesting point about not waiting too long to introduce as you are more emotionally invested etc. I had thought that before but it seemed 6-12 months was set in stone Grin.

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