Can I get a female perspective?

[Octopus7]

Hi,

I'm 34 and my wife is 36, we've been married for 7 years and have 2 amazing sons. We're a really tight family but over the years the relationship between my wife and myself has become almost entirely about the kids. My wife has little to no interest in sex and hasn't since she became pregnant with our second son 3 years ago (we've probably had sex 5 times in the last 3 years). She's quite a shy person and doesn't like to talk about such things and she always has a reason why she rejects me (generally it's tiredness). As its been going on so long I've tried a lot of different things from asking her to talk about it to backing right off.

The obvious assumption is that she isn't attracted to me anymore, well to me it is anyway so a couple of years back I joined the gym, started hitting that pretty hard in my lunch breaks and taking a lot more pride in my appearance. I'm not the best looking guy in the world but I'm in decent shape, I like to think I'm a good father and a lot of people comment on how close we are as a family. Outwardly I'm a very confident person but this is really ripping me apart. I could never leave because I love my wife and sons far too much - how do I get this back on track? I'm not out for sympathy, I just need some help!

Thanks everyone

winters my DH did this "I'm going to bed" and off up the stairs too leaving me with the final tasks. Drove me mad.

I argued about it with him a few times. Then I started making sure I went to bed first so he had no choice but to do it (or risk leaving the house unsecured). I would also call down "oh and the washing needs taking out, or else or your clothes will smell ".

Then I introduced the concept of sharing the tasks. Ie Him: "I'm off to bed". Me "Well before you go, you check the doors and windows and I will put the last bits in the dishwasher". (or whatever). I changed it around so we both got to do all the last minute tasks including waiting for the washing machine, locking up, letting the cats in or out etc etc.

Now we do it all between us without discussion because we both know exactly what needs doing. I believe if you know pretty good in other ways, then it's a bit of a blind spot/learned behaviour.

So over the weekend I've done a lot more around the house, put work on the back burner and we've generally spent a lot more time together as a couple (watching movies and things) - my wife totally caught me off guard and asked if I wanted to come up to bed this afternoon! Maybe it's coincidental, maybe not!

amazing!! Chuffed for you! Now, before your coach turns into a pumpkin, ask for the thread to be pulled!

WOW!

where were the kids

Blimey, OP! See what a few changes in your behaviour have made to your wife, eh?

My two penn'orth on this is that, when my (many) DC were tiny and in nappies or potty training and waking a lot at night, sex was just another job on the to-do list. Even worse, it was yet another job that involved dealing with someone else's bottom! At that time all I wanted to do was either SLEEP or BE ON MY OWN.

So, erm, think on, OP. You may, perhaps, have cracked it by actually doing a bit more supporting stuff.

Things that make you go hmmmm

And don't underestimate EVER how much women need affection.

Affection: non-sexualised touching. Hugs, cuddles, kisses, stroking hair and non-erogenous zones.

In my next life I want to come back as a Englishman's horse. Those long lovely brush strokes ...

She felt equal, appreciated and loved. It's not all about physical stuff, it's working together and having joint goals. That has some mileage.
I'm happy for you both :)

Feeling on top of the priorties list makes me feel special. Freedom of course each way and space, but you need to appreciate what dw does for you.

I'm coming back as a dog in my next life not really

Sounds like she has replaced her life with children.
It is far to common and not very healthy.
Try to get her out more just the two of you.
Try to have some fun.
Be really frank about how you are feeling, think about counseling for you both. Maybe a sex therapist.
You shouldn't have to be without intimacy.

Missed the update. Very cool, keep making her feel special and hopefully it won't be a one off