Can I get a female perspective?

[Octopus7]

Hi,

I'm 34 and my wife is 36, we've been married for 7 years and have 2 amazing sons. We're a really tight family but over the years the relationship between my wife and myself has become almost entirely about the kids. My wife has little to no interest in sex and hasn't since she became pregnant with our second son 3 years ago (we've probably had sex 5 times in the last 3 years). She's quite a shy person and doesn't like to talk about such things and she always has a reason why she rejects me (generally it's tiredness). As its been going on so long I've tried a lot of different things from asking her to talk about it to backing right off.

The obvious assumption is that she isn't attracted to me anymore, well to me it is anyway so a couple of years back I joined the gym, started hitting that pretty hard in my lunch breaks and taking a lot more pride in my appearance. I'm not the best looking guy in the world but I'm in decent shape, I like to think I'm a good father and a lot of people comment on how close we are as a family. Outwardly I'm a very confident person but this is really ripping me apart. I could never leave because I love my wife and sons far too much - how do I get this back on track? I'm not out for sympathy, I just need some help!

Thanks everyone

age do try harder :)

Do you take her out for meals, do you make her feel special, attractive, loved/ get time together both as a family and a couple? Do you listen to her, make her laugh, laugh at her jokes, smile at her, talk to her, and as upthread does she feel appreciated?

That would work for me.

Good luck. :)

Mike of course sex isn't a marital duty. No one would argue that; I certainly wouldn't.

But 'too tired' for three years?

Bowlersarm, because you implied that if he had put more pressure on, they would have had more sex - even though she clearly didn't want to. That's abuse.

Realistically, surely you have to accept that either she has gone off sex full stop or she doesn't fancy you any more. If you fancy someone you want sex with them even if you're tired. Even if they haven't done the hoovering. Sad though it is, you will have to face the fact that your sex life with your wife is over.

I stayed with my husband for years after he stopped wanting sex. I wish I hadn't.

Wow, so many replies!

Reading all the replies really makes me think I need to really show her that I love and appreciate her. I mean, I do but I probably aren't showing that enough. I know the communication isn't perfect but I'm also of the opinion that all relationships will have some flaws - I'm very much the kind of person that would rather work at something than throw the towel in.

I do hold out hope that she still finds me attractive as she is quite jealous and I also believe that she still loves me - whether this is because of the life I give her and because of I'm the father of our kids I'm not so sure.

I am pretty encouraged by a lot of the replies though.

Get on with it then, book that babysitter and table :)

well, good luck and I hope I'm wrong...

Minimal sex in 3 years is unlikely to be solved by cleaning loos or "not putting any pressure" on, or romantic dinners. Try it by all means, as if it works thats great, but I'd not be surprised that will probably just get you where you are now, several months from now.

I strongly suspect she is avoiding communication because she doesn't want to communicate, as in all likelihood then it'd all be over and out.

If the problem was the same but the sexes were reversed the advice would be very different. MN tends to bias towards the woman in a situation, understandably, but read those threads where its reversed and take that advice on board too.

Ah see, now you're showing your true colours, your post at 11.00pm about the life that you give her.

That's arrogant, selfish in the extreme and I wouldn't counter your presence with that attitude to be quite frank, what wanker talk.

What about the life she has given you?

I would leave you, imminently. Let alone have sex with you, no wonder she has no confidence.

Sorry to hear what you are going through OP Im not going to say any more in case i get accused of derailing again. Someone has already had a dig upthread even though my first appearance on this thread is this post.

I hope you and yr DW can get this resolved OP.

OH Monty i didnt spot that.

Monty How the heck do you know that OP's wife doesn't take advantage of him in some way? I'm not saying she does or doesn't, but your response of calling OP arrogant and selfish in the extreme, that you would leave him immediately, blaming OP for W's lack of confidence is very extreme especially when you don't even know OP or OP's W , because he has used the phrase "the life that I give her".

Why not ask what he means by the life that he gives her instead of jumping to conclusions? You've taken one sentence and built a whole raft of unpleasant characteristics from it.

Dark I did after having sympathy initially.

Hey well the OP can come back on thread can't he? I'm sure he doesn't need you to make suppositions. I'm quite entitled to construe his post in whatever context I feel when I read it, as the OP is quite entitled to post what he wishes and respond as he wishes.

Of course I don't know the OP or his wife, I'm just responding in the way I feel appropriate .

Yup, not very reasonable Monty. In fact rude, and presumptuous.

The OP might mean that in a nice way, like he wants to give his wife a good life, it's only an expression that you are choosing to take literally.

And what about 'the life she is giving him?' Are you referring to that sexless one?

Shape she has given him dc's. Maybe she's not happy.

And I am never rude or presumptious, I'm responding to OP's 11.00pm comment. Which I'm quite entitled to do.

Your presumption that I was making reference to a sexless marriage is way off, I certainly wasn't. As I say, maybe the OP's wife isn't any happier or even unhappier then he is. We don't know what 'life' the OP gives her? Do we?

Ouch, 3 years "too tired" and no communication about it. That's not right at all.

As previous posters have said, sounds like there are much deeper things going on, likely things that won't be resolved by cleaning more (?!) or wining/dining.

Are you prepared to live in a sexless marriage forever? My gut is saying "she's just not that in to you"....anymore....

No, we don't know what 'life' he gives her. Maybe if he'd put lifestyle instead... I think that is probably what he meant.

I wasn't assuming you were talking about the sexless marriage, I was pointing out myself that this is 'the life she is giving him' - a sexless one.

Shape but maybe she doesn't like the life he's giving her. Let's not have a row, his posts are too wide. By the way I'm about saying dw gave him dc's. They had them together of course.

I'm clearly a bit biased. That could be my exdh posting that. Shy? That was me because I couldn't express my feelings to him because he was so arrogant. (He pulled me once for using a split infinitive). No luxury or holidays or cash would compensate me for that humiliation. I would have preferred to live in a tent with my dcs.

So, we just don't know enough of OP's story really.

Had to check we weren't in AIBU because the OP doesn't seem to be being taken seriously here by a lot of posters. If it was a woman posting, she'd get far more kindly and careful responses imo. I'm sorry you've been subjected to some vile posts here OP (the lesbian one stands out ) as well as some posters largely talking over your head and treating the whole thing (which is 'ripping you apart') like a joke. Shame on you MNers.

OP, one thing: how do you get time to go to the gym? What is she doing while you're at the gym?

ok, two: what do you mean 'the life you give her'? You have a deal: she keeps the home, you go out to work. It could be the other way around, she could go out to work and you'd get the thrilling home job. Working at home can be soul-destroying - you have to be endlessly creative to make cleaning up for the 5,823rd time seem a worthwhile thing to do. You, meanwhile, get to see people, go here, go there - you're a free agent during working hours, up to a point (and, it seems, after working hours re gym). If she's at home with a 3yo she probably isn't a free agent for hours/days/weeks/months on end. Do you get up in the night for the kids?

If you're 'giving her' a 'good' life (what is she 'giving' you? She gives you a lovely home, domestic set-up and lovely kids) and you've time to regularly go to the gym, you could be acting like a single bloke - life not changed too much since the kids came along (whereas hers has probably changed beyond recognition). If so, that would piss her off BIG time and all ardour would vanish. Have you ever had the kids for the w/e while she goes off to do something lovely for herself? 1. She'd get a break and 2. you'd see how gruelling childcare is in a big chunk. Which is her daily life and has been for years.

I'm not saying you don't work hard and I'm also not saying that going to the gym is a crime (though I can't honestly see how you have the time to go regularly if you have a young family). I also don't know what her day looks like - she could be getting help and mummy-free time etc.

I'm sorry this is so painful for you.

*child-free time (it's late ok)

I would honestly ask her outright OP whether she is a lesbian. You sound like a nice guy, you deserve to know what you are dealing with.

There are many things that can put a woman off sex, particularly if she is tired or worried, but also if she is in any way annoyed.

Yes, she may be getting off you.
But it may be that she's just not happy, or has lost her sex drive.

A lot of physical affection without leading up to sex may work wonders.

The best way will be for you to talk to her about it and to listen to her.
She may not know herself.
Perhaps you should both go down the counselling route to be able to get to the bottom of the problem?

Op I have a version that you may not want to hear. My dp is kind, thoughtful, cooks, cleans, brings thoughtful little presents and plays rugby/goes to the gym so looks great. We go on spa days together. He supports my rugby and riding and encourages me to go out with him ans alone. He gets along with my rather difficult mother ans can often do it better than i can. He is Mr Perfect and I love him so much.

I still don't want to have sex with him. It upsets me that that's the way ii feel and I get on with it (thanks to lube) so he doesn't really know that's how I feel. I feel I can't tell him as it would be so dreadfully hurtful. I thought it was because I was on the pill/tired/stressed. Then I met this guy and the chemical/hormonal connection or whatever it is hit me big time. My goodness I DESIRED him so badly. He wasn't tall or handsome, not as easy going or kind as my dp. Yet my body of its own volition reacted and prepared itself for sex!

I am so disappointed with my own body. Why can't it react in that way to my wonderful dp? Sorry to give you my negative story. I guess I'm also wondering if anyone has been in my situation and switched their bodies back on somehow? Advice sought here as it may help op understand his wife. Though I hope it isn't true for her, because I find myself in a sad position and my dp deserves better.

Can you find a way to talk about the subject obliquely? Gossiping about a made-up colleague with relationship issues/discuss something from a Sunday colour supplement (my dh and I are very good at talking about relationships in the context of discussing Mariella Frostrup's latest advice column in The Observer!) I guess I'm wondering whether there are ways to help you communicate about your relationship which don't make her feel pressurised and therefore clam up.

Has she got a really good old friend you could get on board? I don't mean to tell the friend about your sex life, I just mean to say you'd really like your dw to have a bit more 'me' time and can the friend suggest something that she might enjoy/take her out for the evening or weekend to do something totally unrelated to childcare and housework.

And flowers! (But that might just be me.....)

Fwiw I think you're right to hang on in there and be optimistic that those posters suggesting your relationship is over/she must be a lesbian will turn out to be wrong. I agree with whoever it was up-thread who said that you can just get out of the habit of having regular sex, but that doesn't mean you can't get back into the habit, and who knows - that whole process might turn out to be really enjoyable for both of you. Think positive and good luck!