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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Can't believe he's doing this!

378 replies

AuchAyethenoo · 18/09/2013 09:26

I posted a last week about some financial issues I'm having with my dp, basically he works full time on a decent wage, I receive CTC, cb and maintenance for my eldest dc. I pay half of all the bills, mortgage etc plus buy all of the food and all of the children's clothes, activities etc, etc. This has, of course, caused major stress for me to the point that my mum takes me food shopping just to ensure we have food in the house for my children.

Yesterday he comes home telling me he has just found out his brother (9 years old) has rattled up a £700 bill on his x-box on his mothers credit card. That she has no money at all now. MIL is on benefits, I suggested she could contact DWP to apply for a loan for food and essentials and perhaps speak to her sons father to arrange buying food for them.

I've now found out that dp has given his mum about £300. I don't grudge his mum help for food, but what I am struggling with is that he has no issue giving his mum money but never has any to give to me for our children.

OP posts:
MissStrawberry · 18/09/2013 14:52

It isn't easier for you.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 18/09/2013 14:52

Take all help offered in order to leave, that deposit from your mother and sister will be helpful.

You need to be away from this man asap. At least then as well this twunt would not be having sex on you either. I stated earlier than financially abusive men are often abusive in other ways, the example you quoted was yet another example of abuse on his part.

fuzzywuzzy · 18/09/2013 14:57

Oh honey, just get out. You don't have to live like this he is incredibly abusive, your body, finances and mind are not his property.

Let us know if you need a hand house hunting, I'm pretty sure the property porn lot can turn their hands at finding suitable places for you.

cls77 · 18/09/2013 15:09

AuchAye - I did the same this time last year, and it was terrifying, but within weeks I knew my daughter would be so much better off for it, as was I. I too felt exhilarated and proud that I could manage on my own. From paying all the bills, to working full time (or whatever suits your situation) I could do it. It made me realise that my "normal" was not at all, and I went through all manner of emotions to accept that. Family and friends helped me when I thought I was on my own. The best thing, is that although I missed the person i fell in love with all them years (15) ago, I knew that that person didnt exist in the "man" he is today, hes proved that with his horrendous letting down of our daughter since (who is 11), you can do this. You will be stronger for doing this. We are here for you xxx

Lweji · 18/09/2013 15:16

Reading your last post, it's even more urgent that you do leave the bastard.
ASAP.
I hope all goes well. Fingers crossed for you.

MrsZimt · 18/09/2013 15:31

Yes, it's ABUSE! Hold on to the anger and turn it into positive energy. Find somewhere else to live, don't give him any more money and get legal advice about everything you paid (half) for in this house, which he is very likely keeping and not selling.
Making you pay cash for everything, what a cunning piece of ....
He knows exactly what he is doing. Tread carefully and get out.

hellsbellsmelons · 18/09/2013 15:34

So pleased you are getting help with a deposit.
Have you contact CAB yet?
What is the next step with WA?
Your last post is heartbreaking all over again.
Get away and fast. I was thinking you could take your time but you really need to get out of there and quick sharp!
Good luck and keep us updated.
Ask any questions on here - so many helpful people to guide you!

Original poster
AuchAyethenoo · 18/09/2013 17:14

Thank you so much catsmother, the wonderful support really is giving me so much strength.

OP posts:
Original poster
AuchAyethenoo · 18/09/2013 17:19

I've got an appointment with CAB tomorrow. I've called some letting agents and have found some places that would enable dd1(12years) to stay at her school.

He is home now, though just gone straight to bed. Thank you for the advice to log out, I'd actually forgotten to delete the history as well, so done that now.

I've managed to find some bank bits, but it's not making much sense to me. The mortgage looks to be with abbey national, but as suggested the amount is roughly £150 less than what my half would contribute to.

OP posts:
whatdoesittake48 · 18/09/2013 17:23

it gets worse...you are paying 3/4 of the mortgage! I hope this is spurring you on.

Tortington · 18/09/2013 17:25

what would happen if you asked him to take the kids to shop for coats and him to shop for food?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 18/09/2013 17:25

Abbey National as an institution no longer exist, they were taken over by Santander. Anything related to them on his bank statement?.

My guess is that he has tricked you into paying more than 50% of his mortgage payment. Take the financial stuff you find to the CAB if safe to do so.

Xales · 18/09/2013 17:27

How can any person think it is right that they stand there in a £300 coat and begrudge £40 for coats and shoes to share between 3 children?

Nasty selfish wanker.

Are you the one who has been handing over cash rather than paying via the bank for the mortgage etc? I think you are screwed over that. All you can do is consider your share rent for the length of time you have been there and a bargain to get rid of this entitled ass.

Fluffycloudland77 · 18/09/2013 17:32

Christ almighty, and I thought my Dh's ex was a class act.

If your mum and sister have offered you money for a deposit take it, they must know just how bad it is and want you out of there.

TeWiSavesTheDay · 18/09/2013 17:36

I remember your other thread Auch. You are doing the right thing leaving, and I'm glad you've got the support of your mum and sister.

Flibbertyjibbet · 18/09/2013 17:44

Hate to sound negative but CAB is often run by volunteers who don't have any legal training.

(my ex boss used to do it one day per afternoon and some of the advice she told us she gave out re employment and tenancies etc was jawdroppingly wrong.)

So I'd ask them for advice about benefits etc but as regards any share of the house you might be entitled to, I'd have the free half hour with a solicitor. Although, going back to my own experience of contributing to a house that I wasn't on the deeds for, you may have to write that off as 'rent' for the last few years. I DID get a share of the house but most of that went to the solicitor who did not warn me that his fees in fighting for it would actually take most of my settlement. I've always regretted not walking away from that money and looking on it as rent - would have saved myself 3 years of stress.

If he HAS been overcharging you for your share of the mortgage then he is truly scum. The only thing I can think of is that the mortgage figure you saw was the interest only bit and there might be an endowment somewhere that he also has you paying half of. BUT those havent' been popular for about 10 - 15 years now. Also, if you are looking at that figure on an old statement (blood now starting to boil on your behalf here) its very possible that with the interest rate plummets of the past few years, he still has you paying the figure that it was years ago while his actual payments have reduced. OR he is using your money to make overpayments and benefit himself in the long run.

facedontfit · 18/09/2013 17:58

Wow, AuchAyethenoo you sound like you are on a roll - keep it going, onwards and upwards. Your thread has made me want to cry. If you feel yourself weakening imagine yourself in a few months time in a new home with your children, happy and content - you deserve it. He's a c*nt, he won't change and you deserve better. Flowers

captainmummy · 18/09/2013 18:04

You and the dc will be so much better off without this piece of crap in your lives - financially and emotionally.

expatinscotland · 18/09/2013 18:15

Another abusive fuckwit half-starving a person and their children.

JumpingJackSprat · 18/09/2013 18:26

youre so.brave and im so glad youre making plans to leave him... keep strong for yours and your childrens sake.

Somethingtothinkabout · 18/09/2013 19:03

Auch, well done. You are doing great.

I know it must be galling to think of how much money you've lost with nothing to show for it, but it's the old sunk cost fallacy, no matter how long you were to stay, you'd be throwing more and more into this black hole.

You need to just cut your losses and go. You'll probably find things are a lot easier for you than they have been.

The wise women here will talk you through the whole thing.

Flowers
lunar1 · 18/09/2013 19:31

I posted on your last thread. So glad to see that you are making plans to leave. Hope you can get sorted quickly.

KatyTheCleaningLady · 18/09/2013 19:41

He will only make you feel like you're leaving over nothing if you let him. Try to resist the temptation to explain yourself in such a way that he will see reason. He's unable to do that. He will only try to twist things to his view of things.

BatwingsAndButterflies · 18/09/2013 21:20

Well done OP, you are doing excellently

nkf · 18/09/2013 21:26

Wouldn't you be financially better off without him. You'd get the benefits and some child maintenance.