Can't believe he's doing this!

[AuchAyethenoo]

I posted a last week about some financial issues I'm having with my dp, basically he works full time on a decent wage, I receive CTC, cb and maintenance for my eldest dc. I pay half of all the bills, mortgage etc plus buy all of the food and all of the children's clothes, activities etc, etc. This has, of course, caused major stress for me to the point that my mum takes me food shopping just to ensure we have food in the house for my children.

Yesterday he comes home telling me he has just found out his brother (9 years old) has rattled up a £700 bill on his x-box on his mothers credit card. That she has no money at all now. MIL is on benefits, I suggested she could contact DWP to apply for a loan for food and essentials and perhaps speak to her sons father to arrange buying food for them.

I've now found out that dp has given his mum about £300. I don't grudge his mum help for food, but what I am struggling with is that he has no issue giving his mum money but never has any to give to me for our children.

[Flibbertyjibbet]

((((hugs))))

It was a random comment from a work colleague that had my world crashing down around my ears (I will never forget that moment as long as I live) and had me realise that my 'normal' was other peoples 'holy shit how can you live like that'

so, the fact that you feel its normal, is perfectly normal iyswim.

You don't have to tell him that you are planning to leave. Keep a note of the date that you last had the discussion with him about money. When the time comes you can take that discussion, and the £40 for the three kids, as your 'final straws'.
If similar things come up in the meantime before you leave, then keep a note of dates, times and discussion too.
You have tried to broach the subject with him. He has brushed you off. He WILL make you feel like you are leaving for nothing, because to him it IS nothing. Your happiness and financial situation to him are NOTHING. He has been sponging off you, your children, and your eldest's father, for years.

As I said in my last post, its very much in his financial interest to get you to stay on the current arrangement. He will shit himself at the thought of having to pay all his bills and maintenance, but then any future maintenance will still probably be less than what he should have been contributing to the pot anyway.

WHEN you leave, if you need any discussions with him then get someone to be with you whenever you have contact with him, who can support you, stick up for you and not let him talk you into coming back.

No more. Can you go to your mums, it sounds like she is pretty much aware of the situation already.

I have an age 6 woollen navy duffel coat in the charity shop bag. if you want it PM me.

[LookingThroughTheFog]

Could you try to think about it from an outsider's perspective?

Imagine this was your daughter. Imagine seeing her with no coat in the winter, struggling to feed her children, having no security in the house she lived in, and all the while her husband bought nice cars, nice clothes, had gym membership, and constantly asked her for extra money.

Do you think that you would feel enraged that someone was treating her this way? Do you think you can start letting that rage build for yourself a little bit?

There's also this to consider - all the time that you stay in the house (and it's fine if you want to), your children will be learning from your example. You are teaching them that this is an acceptable way to be treated/to treat others.

How would you answer their questions when they get older and start asking whether the situation is completely fair? Would you be able to look at them in the eye and say 'yes, of course this is fair! Of course I am happy?'

[LookingThroughTheFog]

But yes, also massive, massive hugs. It's hideous when that realisation starts to happen. Be gentle (but firm) with yourself.

[Feckssake]

It is such a relief to hear you saying you're definitely going to leave. Stick with us, we'll get you through.

[EhricLovesTeamQhuay]

He doesn't get to decide what you will put up with. That in itself is abusive - trying to make your decisions for you. You have the right to say 'your treatment of me is not acceptable to me and I'm leaving'.
Wrt the mortgage - he's fucked you over, sure. If I were you I'd view it as rent and let it go. You need to get out and on your own two feet, that's more important than chasing equity that you may never see.

[fuzzywuzzy]

Don't give him a penny towards anything from now on.

Are you married?

Tell your mum what's happening get as many things and people on side before walking out (I'd ebay his worldly goods pocket the cash before going).

you'll be amazed out how much better off financially, emotionally and physically you are when you've dropped the dead weight.

[AuchAyethenoo]

I'm on right move just now looking at houses.

What do I tell my kids, are they going to blame me!?

[Lweji]

Yes, you are being abused, as well as your children.

I'd suggest you stop doing things for him and buying him food, plus leave it to him to supply half the meals for his children.
See if he lets them go hungry.

[fuzzywuzzy]

you'll be amazed at how much they've picked up.

They'll be delighted to have food on the table, clothes that fit and an unstressed mummy.

[Lweji]

Your children will understand if you explain it in plain terms to them.

If they do end up having a better life (he'll have to pay maintenance as well) they will thank you.

[SisterMonicaJoan]

Auch Honey, your children won't blame you. They love you and will be content just having their happy mum back.

You've had such an awakening on this thread and you've been so brave to contact WA and start looking for somewhere to leave to.

Please go to CAB too for a benefit check. They can let you know what you are entitled to and signpost any other help you may qualify for.

Good luck, we're all rooting for you

[johnworf]

Just reading through this thread and I'm really shocked that a man can put football, new car, expensive coat etc before feeding and clothing his family. What on earth are you getting from this relationship?

Glad that you've put the wheels in motion to get out of there. You'll probably find your children to be more resilient than you think.

Good luck with the move and think positively. You've wasted far too much time and energy on this man already. xxxxx

[captainmummy]

Of course your dc are not going to blame you! You are doing the right thing for them. And for you.
HE is a selfish twat .

[hellsbellsmelons]

Well done again for talking to WA.
I'm sure it's all quite a shock for you at the moment.
Take some time for you to get your head around all of this.
You have had it confirmed whole-heartedly by a professional organisation that specialise in this - that you are indeed suffering some serious abuse.
Now it's time to get your plan together for leaving.
It won't be easy.
There will be all sorts of things to consider.
Other MNers will be along soon to tell you what you need to get out of the house.
If you have passports for yourself and the children - get them to your mum for safe keeping.
If you can get any of his payslips or bank statements then get copies and again give them to someone else for safe keeping.
Any other paperwork you can get your hands on. Birth certificates etc.... Do it and do it quick before he notices anything is amiss.
As you start to formulate your plan, you will relax more and looking forward to leaving so he may notice your mood change and may suspect something is up. So try to keep as normal as possible.
I hope rightmove have some suitable places but your first stop is definitely CAB for all your benefits and entitlements!
Good luck - so pleased to see you are finally understanding this man's (I use that term loosley) horrible abuse of you and your children.
Keep it together and then get out when it's best for you and the children.
You will start to find yourself again and your children will be so much happier away from seeing their mother being abused day in and day out.
Well done and keep the momentum going.
((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))) from me too!!

[Flibbertyjibbet]

If you have decided to leave him, he may notice a change in your attitude towards him (from dependent person begging for money to a calmer 'meh') and it may worry him. He may even start being nice. Don't fall for it.

[AuchAyethenoo]

Thank you all so much! I'm scared, very actually, but exhilarated!

[AuchAyethenoo]

Honestly I don't he'd notice if I was on fire, unless he wants sex or something else from me.

[DistanceCall]

You're doing the right thing. This man is stealing from your children. He is making your children go hungry and cold. Courage. Everything will be SO much better sooner than you realise.

[hellsbellsmelons]

Of course you are scared.
The future is now unknown for you.
But please take comfort that no-one has left an abusive man and regretted it!!!
Here's to the beginning of your new happy life away from the fuckwit!

[Hegsy]

I'm so glad to hear this auch I'm guessing from your username you are in Scotland somewhere? I'm in the central belt, feel free to PM me if I can do anything to help you I will.

Your children will NOT blame you. They will be happier because the will have a happier mummy. Could you move in with your mum and contact the council about getting housed through them rather than a private let? This is a positive thing you are doing and I am happy to hold your hand and help as much as I can

have some unmumsnetty hugs ((hugs)))

[MrsTomHardy]

The best thing you can do for your children and for yourself is leave.

You will be so much better off financially and emotionally. You will be in control of your own money for your family.

He is an absolute tosser!

[MissStrawberry]

He is abusing you.
He is abusing the children.
The children will not blame you for leaving once they understand and if they do blame you they are just too young to realise.
Do not give him anything else.
Stop sleeping with him and cleaning up after him.
Stop buying and cooking food for him.

[RiotsNotDiets]

Good for you OP! Stay strong and take care of yourself.

Keep us updated, we will support you through this

[catsmother]

Auch, I'm sorry to admit this, but your thread has just made me cry. I was raging before - still am - but have just read that you've called WA, which is so brave and so brilliant - and then you said you felt exhilarated at the thought of going - and that set me off.

You are absolutely doing the right thing. Please take all the advice WA offer you - and don't be scared to come on here when you need support - virtual or otherwise (lots of people will want to help practically if they can). I hope you're accessing MN via a passworded log-in ? .... please take care that he doesn't get wind of what you're planning just yet because he will try to persuade you otherwise as you're his cash cow.

I think once you're away from him it'll feel like a huge weight has been lifted from you. It's hard to envisage now because you've been used to this for so long and have been so worn down and worn out by it, but believe me, you will be amazed by how much better things suddenly become. I also strongly suspect that you'll see a big difference in your kids - I'm totally sure you're doing your very best for them now and obviously trying to protect them from what you're enduring, but at the same time, very sadly, they will probably have absorbed (even if not consciously) the fact that their mum is so stressed and worried all the time. You are absolutely doing the best thing for them by sorting this appalling situation out once and for all. Your standard of living - and theirs - is going to improve so much ..... okay, it may not be easy, but it will be miles better than now, and you'll have no-one to answer to but yourself, and no-one to manipulate you either.

I'm sorry to say he doesn't love you, and nor does he love the kids. If he did, there's no way he'd have behaved the way he has. I missed the earlier detail about your heart condition - how dare he fucking well put your health at risk by withholding money and/or snaffling a greater share than can possibly be fair ? And the rest of course. If he doesn't love you then what would the point in staying be anyway ? By leaving, you start on the rest of your life - and have the opportunity to meet someone decent at some point in the future (if that's what you eventually want) who'll treat you with real love and kindness.

As for him - he can go to hell. As others have suggested I too wondered exactly how much of the mortgage you're actually paying. Come to that do you actually see the other bills ? - or does he just demand "his half" ? Also agree that it's prudent now to copy everything you can possibly find - mortgage statements, bank statements, bills, wage slips and so on. Whether you can actually use this I don't know but it can't do any harm to gather as much written evidence as you can about your household set up. Just be careful you do this when he's guaranteed to be out for some time. Yes - solicitors cost, but many do still offer an introductory session at a reduced fixed rate so far as I know, and WA may also be able to recommend a solicitor experienced in this area who won't charge the earth.

You're being so brave. Keep posting and let "us" all try to help and support you through this - whether with reassurance, sympathy, advice/suggestions or whatever - however silly it seems, if it's worrying you, or if it's making you waver, don't feel ashamed of posting it - someone will always reply.

[AuchAyethenoo]

Moving in with my mum isn't an option, she's a saint but smokes like a chimney (80 a day) so I couldn't have the dc in that environment, but I have spoken to her in the past about my situation being difficult and between her and my sister have offered money for a deposit.

My life is made hell if I 'withhold' sex, he stomps around the house, is snappy with the kids and is utterly belligerent, grabs at me constantly. It's easier for everyone just to lie there and think of winning the lottery.