AIBU to be annoyed at DH

[MisselthwaiteManor]

I have a 13 week old who screams all evening, 3-4 hours almost solidly, she has done this for weeks. She also has reflux which is controlled pretty well during the day but this screaming often sets off a vomit fest.

I have PND and anxiety and basically just hate being alive right now and this screaming doesn't help.

DH often works late (to 11pm) but after me calling him home in tears several times his boss allowed him to change his hours so he could work earlier and get home at a normal time. This happened for one week, DH has now switched his hours (by choice, not his bosses say-so) to working till 11pm EVERY FUCKING WEEKDAY

I am on day one of this and the baby is screaming right now and I am feeling like he has done this on purpose so he doesn't have to deal with it and I can't see past the next 3 hours let alone doing this every day for the next however many years.

I have no other local support and he knows this. I fucking hate him right now and I feel like telling him to not bother coming home. I don't know if my judgement is being clouded by this incessant noise and stress but I don't want to see his face after he has done this to me.

She will be angelic when he comes home so he is of no use to me then.

[MisselthwaiteManor]

Honestly, if I didn't bring him food he just wouldn't eat. And then I feel guilty.

Hes home now and standing staring at me! Jes staring at me right now while I type this. He sort of blocks my way so I have to make a point of squeezing around him and then I look like I'm storming off.

[Tiredmumno1]

Then stop right now. If he does not want to do anything for you, then withdraw your services to him.

It's little things like that, that makes him think he can walk all over you. Time to take back the reins.

I also agree that you sound like a great mum. He is the one failing in the father department at the moment. It's not you.

[MadBusLady]

he just wouldn't eat.

And is that a problem?

It's not Woman's Task on Earth to feed the men. I am still getting my head round this - I have this terrible instinct to serve up huge hearty meals every day when I'm in a relationship where on my own I'd probably survive on cheese and biscuits.

He sounds utterly passive aggressive and weird. Can you go off to bed?

[Tiredmumno1]

Just look at him and say, yes you look like you have something to say?

And see what the response is. If its a stupid response, then tell him to stop staring cos it's weird.

[maddening]

I remember 12weeks being hard - growth spurt then too so as bfing it was hard - and we didn't have reflux - it does pass. I found swaddle bags good - woombie in particular.

[Tiredmumno1]

Oh well he will have to starve then. Don't feel guilty do you think he does?

[BishBashBoshBoo]

His behaviour (the staring and the blocking) sound very wierd and Not Right to me. Certainly not hallmarks of a healthy relationship.

Is it a control thing?

[MadBusLady]

Also, don't worry about what it looks like if you have to squeeze past him. That's his kind of thinking. He's the one playing some weird psychological staring game. You're just a normal person going about your business.

[AlwaysWashing]

Sounds like enough is enough now.

You had the time & energy to indulge him before your DC now you simply don't. Make yourself and your baby your priority.

No idea of your financial situation but however it's possible just get out and start again. Home Start will give you plenty of help to give you a break.

I have no experience of reflux but do have of screaming babies - noise cancelling headphones - just for half an hour to stop your brains rattling. You can be there with your DC but without the pain of the noise.

LTB lovey, you're doing it all yourself already.

[MisselthwaiteManor]

I've come downstairs and left him with the baby. Im too tired to get myself worked up with a one sided argument tonight. I know I'm painting myself as really pathetic and downtrodden housewifey, but he never forces me to do anything and wouldn't get angry if I didn't.

[maddening]

And if he has chosen to work he must accept that there is jo time to cook when on your own with a screaming baby.

Just go to bed with the baby and leave him to fend for himself.

[Tiredmumno1]

Of course he doesn't force you, why would he if all he does is look at you with puppy dog eyes.

It's all about control and he has you where he wants you.

[MisselthwaiteManor]

I don't know if it's a control thing because he's really quiet and not what you'd think of as controlling but manipulative maybe?

I have no income of my own but have been squirrelling money for 6 months thanks to advice on the last thread I posted so if I wanted to leave now I could. Practically I could get up and go right now but it's just such a mammoth thing to do while battling PND and a difficult baby and everything.

[BishBashBoshBoo]

Get some sleep OP.
And tomorrow look after yourself first and not him.
You're a new mum coping not only with a baby but PND. Make sure feeing yourself and getting enough rest and time for you is your priority.

[ATruthUniversallyAcknowledged]

Exactly what BishBashBosh said. Take care of yourself love.

[MadBusLady]

Well done on the squirreling. Circumstances are just conspiring against you at the moment - concentrate on getting better.

I am particularly that he thinks it's ok for you to miss therapy. That does not suggest that he wants you to get better. He may be being a whole lot more manipulative than it first appears. Is there anyone who could babysit for the hour or two that would take?

[satsumagirl]

Yanbu! Reading your post OP has reminded me how hard it was when my two children were newborns. It's such fricking hard work.

I think your DH is avoiding being at home and he needs to man up. I second the poster who said take him to one of your GP visits and don't hold back on describing your PND symptoms whilst there.

It will get better, I promise. Xxx

[beepoff]

Hang on, you cook hot food for him to take to work since you had your colicky refluxy 16 week old?

I've never said this before except in jest but I really think your life would be easier without him... LTB.

[Tiredmumno1]

Agree with Bish, get some sleep and think more tomorrow.

It's good that you are in a position to leave if you make that decision. Just try and be in the right frame of mind before you decide. Easier said than done i know. No matter what happens you will get there, you are a strong woman, even though it may not feel like it at the moment.

I am just so sorry you are not getting the support that you need xx

[satsumagirl]

And you are not a shitty mum! A million miles from it. I would have left the country by now. I did lose the plot slightly when both of mine were around 12 weeks old. I was just so tired and fed up. But it gets much easier

[Longtallsally]

Why is there marmalade - sending loads of sympathy. My DS1 was exactly like this for 13 weeks - waited ages for the magic 12 weeks tp arrive but nothing happened to stop it. Then we went for cranial osteopathy and it stopped after 2 treatments, so seconding that suggestion.

DS2 was the same but cranial osteopathy didn't work for him. Colief did though.

Keep on trying all the different options suggested by folks. One of them will work for you and then this phase will pass. Then keep on posting. You are not alone. It's horrid, awful, and leaves you totally exhausted, we know, but it is a phase, and you will get through it.

Best of luck

[KatOD]

First things first. You're doing a good job, you're coping with a tough illness and a challenging phase of your DD. I had similar and it was hell. You are doing brilliantly and are being really strong.

I don't know what I'd have done without my DH, and your OH is being a completely selfish arse - I really feel for you.

Could you ask your MIL to come over and help one evening so she can see what it's like (and actually help?) and maybe enlist her help in persuading your nob of a son to contribute?

Oh... And stop cooking for the selfish twat, if he won't support you why the hell should you support him. Treat yourself better, it will help you start coping with the PND more too.

Good luck. X

[MisselthwaiteManor]

Im having an appointment on a morning next week so it's ok I don't need to find a babysitter it just means pushing it back a week which is annoying.

He knows the extent of my PND because I have cried to him about it a lot but he doesn't seem to properly listen, so I wrote it in a letter and made him read it but again half hour later it was all forgotten. I think there's something wrong with him and he can't process other people's emotions.

Im off to get a bath and some sleep if the baby will allow, thank you all for listening to me tonight and thanks for all the practical advice

[MrsTerryPratchett]

Does he behave this way with friends, co-workers and family? I mean entirely fail to empathise or understand or help?

[Tiredmumno1]

You take care marmalade, hope you have a lovely peaceful bath and some sleep x