Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

Coping strategies needed (probably tmi)

343 replies

Toastandstrawberryjam · 15/09/2013 10:14

This isn't an easy subject to ask about and possibly some people will find it distasteful and for that I apologise.

I need coping strategies to help me get through having sex with my H. For reasons I can't go into leaving is not an option for a few years. It just isn't. I wholly wish it was.

But because we are not intimate with each other (my choice) tension is very high in the house. Intolerably so. The only answer to this (and I know because I know it's all that works) is for me to recommence relationships with a man who quite frankly makes my skin crawl. He is EA and has no respect for me, not exactly a turn on.

The last time I finally gave in after a month of demands, I felt ill and dirty for days afterwards. Is there anyway (other than getting very drunk) I can cope better with this? Meditation gets me through the act, so to speak but the thoughts afterwards are the problem.

I'm wondering if it's better done in the morning, hold it together and get the kids to school after then a very hot bath and try to blot it out. Sleeping afterwards never works.

I know it shouldn't be like this. I just need help getting the next few years out of the way. Any ideas?

OP posts:
MrsMinkBernardLundy · 15/09/2013 11:52

Ic it would totally solve the problem if he would leave, start gathering evidence against him, contact the police (and WA) and force him out. he is breaking the law. you can have him excluded from your home.

use the law.

ALittleStranger · 15/09/2013 11:52

Is it a school fees issue? I agree with other posters, it's very unlikely you're going to out yourself (and you say friends know of your situation anyway?) and without more details posters offering advice aren't going to be able to get past the idea that you're chosing to stay.

TaudrieTattoo · 15/09/2013 11:52

What Oxford said.

PenelopePitstops · 15/09/2013 11:53

You are not putting them first. Leaving would be putting them first.

Their futures will be better without him.

I struggle to understand Any reason for putting your children through this

MrsMinkBernardLundy · 15/09/2013 11:54

And what is it that will be different in two years time Confused

forumdonkey · 15/09/2013 11:54

I wondered that ALittleStranger and if it is it is the worst reason to stay.

OxfordBags · 15/09/2013 11:54

I want to re-iterate that you are NOT putting your DC's needs first. Putting aside the rape issue, just by staying with a man who is EA towards you and them, you are failing them. I am not saying that the responsibility for abuse lies with the victim, not at all, but by staying, you choose for them to be abused, not just by him mocking them, etc., but by the indirect abuse always suffered by the children of abused women. ALWAYS SUFFERED.

CailinDana · 15/09/2013 11:55

Can you explain in what way you staying is best for your children?

KatyTheCleaningLady · 15/09/2013 11:55

Well, I don't know what to say, then.

I can't imagine how you are trapped, and you won't tell us.

I guess the only thing is for you to disassociate. Grow a thick skin, go cold blooded. If condoms, lube, and ritual Dettol baths help, then do that. And try to convince yourself that it's just your body. No big deal. I'm not being sarcastic, either. It's what prostitutes do. Some of them manage ok. But no feeling sorry for yourself and making a big sentimental deal about it. Taking control of the situation, rather than lying there passively may help, but will require cynicism and a bit of acting.

It's not something that you can really come back from.

OxfordBags · 15/09/2013 11:56

I would rather have no qualifications to my name, ever, than have my mother be raped to keep me in school, if it is to do with schooling. Being a martyr is actually putting yourself first, as it is thinking about yourself in the guise of selflessness.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 15/09/2013 11:57

As I have stated there is no realistic chance of you being so called outed. Your fear is understandable, but wrong.

There are others in EA relationships and the dynamics are similar; no problem is insurmountable.

You are not putting your childrens needs first either let alone your own. You are allowing yourself to be sacrificed for no good reason ultimately.

What did you yourself learn about relationships when growing up?.

What lessons do you think you are also teaching your children about relationships now?.

LividofLondon · 15/09/2013 11:57

Oh Lord, enough with the lube and condoms. Really

Tawdry the OP has made it clear (that for reasons she's refusing to share) that she only wants practical advice on how to cope with having sex. So, yes, really. FWIW I think she's making a terrible mistake by staying but she's been told this enough so I wanted to add something that may help, even just a little. I hardly think another person telling her to LTB is going to sway her, do you, especially as she's working through the issue with a councellor? It's a bit like a drug addict being given clean needles; it goes without saying that they shouldn't be taking the drugs in the fist place, but if we can help them until they decide to stop then that's what we do, right?

EachAndEveryHighway · 15/09/2013 12:02

OP, the only scenario I can possibly imagine is that you're worried that he would get custody of the children if you split up?

So maybe the situation is one or more of the following?
He is a SAHD
You have a severe disability
You are a drug user or former drug user etc.
You or he is involved in criminal activity
He knows something about you that you fear he would use if you split up.
Etc.

Any of these scenarios can be worked through and people could advise. And you wouldn't be outed if one or more of these are the case. Please, please give some idea of the background, so people can help you.

TaudrieTattoo · 15/09/2013 12:02

I don't think telling her to buy lube and condoms will help her.

Or any other abused woman who might be reading this board.

OxfordBags · 15/09/2013 12:05

Is he terminally ill, is that it? Is it some scenario that makes you fear that he will get custody? Still struggling to understand any scenario that could keep you there, you poor thing.

MrsMinkBernardLundy · 15/09/2013 12:05

Op you do what you have to do but not to let you stay for another two years, but to let yourself realise that you can leave. that whatever this is it can be sorted. the only reason to stay would be if the alternative was actually worse e.g. you were going to be deported to somewhere more dangerous.

In abuse cases sadly there is often no happy choice. no item on the menu that would be your choice. happy well adjusted family life is not a choice you have. it is not on the menu. you can only choose from the options you have. Stay or go. go now or plan more and go later. But two years is a long time to hold on.

Have you discussed the legal.options for having him removed from your house/life with your solicitor, WA or the police?

KatyTheCleaningLady · 15/09/2013 12:05

LividofLondon That's pretty much how I am thinking, too.

I would rather see the op leave, but if she's not even willing to tell us why she must stay, and why she must have sex with him, then I can't help her except with the stuff she's asking for.

I do think that we could explore the option of staying but refusing sex. That's still a possibility. Him being a grump to the kids isn't good enough.

It may be that if she stands her ground, he will leave.

TondelayoSchwarzkopf · 15/09/2013 12:05

I agree with what Oxford said.

You know what happens to DCs who grow up in marriages like yours? Mental health, anxiety, depression, alcoholism & drug abuse, OCD, failure to form healthy relationships, agoraphobia. I grew up in an EA and PA environment and this describes what has happened to me and some of my siblings.

WhoNickedMyName · 15/09/2013 12:07

There is no scenario that should keep the OP there, unless he has her under lock and key, and even then she's got access to the Internet so she can get help.

MrsMinkBernardLundy · 15/09/2013 12:08

If you have not at least discussed those options then you have not explored all your avenues..you should at least find out if there is an option.

forumdonkey · 15/09/2013 12:12

I read many threads on MN and I can have an objective opinion on most but DV and EA I have experience. The EA imo was worse than the DV, some have had it worse than me but I am missing teeth due to the DV (just to give you a bench mark). None of it was directed at my DC's but they suffered, they walked on egg shells they witnessed the EA against me, they couldn't watch what they wanted on TV, avoided being in the same room as their father or was forced to spend time with him in his attempt to be the doting father and saw and heard their fathers remarks to me.

I know how hard it is but it can be done and if you were to ask either of my children now if they have any regrets they would tell you it was the best thing that happened. We have a lot less money and I work hard for the little we do have but we have something money can't buy - a happy and safe home.

MissAntithetic · 15/09/2013 12:19

So sad.

Just don't. Please.

You might be able to practically get through it but the damage you will do to your mental well being will last a lot longer.

MushroomSoup · 15/09/2013 12:42

Toast would you feel more able to be open in the 'other place'? Or would you rather not?

SomeDizzyWhore1804 · 15/09/2013 13:07

I think that the psychological implications of doing this outweigh any benefits unless its a life and death situation.

I know that's been said but I'm just adding my voice.

Wellwobbly · 15/09/2013 13:20

Instead of telling Toast who she is, what she is, what she should and should't do,

how about we all LISTEN to her? She is managing this situation to the best of her ability. She has got a long term plan, and she is not being a helpless victim.

Way to go, Toast. This isn't going to be for the rest of your life! Implement that plan, squirrel cash, hopefully get a job and then onwards and upwards.

How is he EA, and what happened to make the scales fall off your eyes? How do you cope day to day? Tell us your story.